|
|
Post by Cake on Nov 3, 2011 16:42:58 GMT -5
Ruth, first off it's wonderful that you're falling for someone. When you have feelings for a guy (assuming he's a good guy), go for it!! Otherwise you will regret it as some point sooner or later. Yes, it is possible that it won't last, but that could be for so many others reasons besides your devness. The risk that a relationship fails is always there, whether you're a dev or not. But that should never stop us from trying. I can understand your worries concerning how to manage your devness. It's such an interesting and complex topic! We all have those issues. What has become clear to me: The more you'll try to fight it, the harder it will haunt you. I say "haunt", because it has literally haunted me in my dreams in the past whenever I tried to not think about it. In my experience, the best way to treat your devness is trying to integrate it in your life, like every other part of you, especially when you're in a relationship with an AB guy. Keep your fantasies, your dreams, keep your desire for a man on wheels. Neither try to "keep it at a low", nor look at it as the one thing that defines you and has to define your life. That has worked for me. But I'm not saying it works for everyone, we all have to find our own way to become happy devs  BTW, I think seeing high dev as an addictive state is very accurate. High dev is so consuming, unhealthy and makes us neglect everything else. Like a drug. |
|
|
|
Post by ruthmadison on Nov 3, 2011 17:59:31 GMT -5
Thank you, Cake.
I love when you said "Neither try to "keep it at a low", nor look at the one thing that defines you and has to define your life."
I think that's the balance that I'm searching for, to not try to destroy it because that will make it come back with a vengeance, but to find a way to have it in my life without it being all consuming.
|
|
|
|
Post by devogirl on Nov 3, 2011 18:38:45 GMT -5
Yes, Cake, right on! I totally agree. The more I try to fight it or repress it, the more it comes back. I think it's impossible to keep it at a low point, but for me what makes the high points more manageable than they used to be is just letting go of guilt. Riding it out and enjoying it, rather than agonizing.
I happened to meet my AB guy when I was in a particularly low dev moment, and I also was really worried it wouldn't last. What made the difference for me over the long term was talking with him about it, so that when I am in a high moment I can indulge in reading/watching/writing whatever I want without feeling like it's a betrayal of our relationship, and without hiding it from him. Once I gave myself permission to enjoy those things even within the relationship, it felt less overwhelming. It did take a several months into the relationship before I brought it up, though, and many conversations. And like I've said before, also having met/dated many disabled guys, so I no longer felt like I was missing out on experiences I really needed to have.
But if you are attracted to this guy, go for it! Relationships work or don't work for so many complex reasons. Don't feel you have to recuse yourself from dating someone you like just because you're a dev.
|
|
|
|
Post by ruthmadison on Nov 3, 2011 18:41:11 GMT -5
Thanks, DG. Your insight into this really helps me! It relieves me to hear that you manage high dev periods while with your guy!
|
|
|
|
Post by Peony on Nov 4, 2011 5:44:22 GMT -5
...It did take a several months into the relationship before I brought it up, though, and many conversations. And like I've said before, also having met/dated many disabled guys, so I no longer felt like I was missing out on experiences I really needed to have. But if you are attracted to this guy, go for it! Relationships work or don't work for so many complex reasons. Don't feel you have to recuse yourself from dating someone you like just because you're a dev. You totally don't have to answer this, as it's quite personal, but how did he take it? It sounds like it might have been a bit of a process (which is would be totally understandable)? I feel pretty comfortable being a dev, for the most part, and my own sexuality in general, now, and I often feel like it would be no big deal to share it with my partner. But a big part of me also feels like it's quite a fundamental thing to be attracted to, and that he would feel that he wasn't truly satisfying me. I could never undermine him like that....obviously it completely depends on the person, situation etc. Anyway, sorry to bring that up in the midst of your situation, Ruth! Every relationship/start of a new relationship is so amazingly different-I'm sure you'll be able to follow your gut, and handle it with aplomb! Exciting  |
|
|
|
Post by devogirl on Nov 4, 2011 19:28:40 GMT -5
Peony, I don't mind answering. It was a process, but for me, not him. He took it great, didn't mind at all, didn't think it was weird. I introduced him to the idea gradually, always making it clear that I love him and wasn't "settling" and talking about my devness in a positive way, not apologetic or guilty. It took a long time for me to be certain he really got it, but he definitely does, and it doesn't bother him.
I'm not necessarily recommending my path to other single devs. I do think you have to get out there and date disabled guys. However, I don't think we have to avoid all AB guys just because we are devs. If you feel strongly for him, go for it. Try everything, that's my policy.
|
|
|
|
Post by Inigo Montoya on Nov 4, 2011 20:19:27 GMT -5
Ruth, I don't have any advice... but I wanted to wish you luck. |
|
|
|
Post by Peony on Nov 4, 2011 20:58:29 GMT -5
Peony, I don't mind answering. It was a process, but for me, not him. He took it great, didn't mind at all, didn't think it was weird. I introduced him to the idea gradually, always making it clear that I love him and wasn't "settling" and talking about my devness in a positive way, not apologetic or guilty. It took a long time for me to be certain he really got it, but he definitely does, and it doesn't bother him. I'm not necessarily recommending my path to other single devs. I do think you have to get out there and date disabled guys. However, I don't think we have to avoid all AB guys just because we are devs. If you feel strongly for him, go for it. Try everything, that's my policy. Thanks for answering, I really appreciate it |
|
|
|
Post by ruthmadison on Nov 5, 2011 23:17:40 GMT -5
Thanks for the good wishes from everyone and Peony, I'm glad that you asked that question!
|
|
|
|
Post by Peony on Nov 6, 2011 4:34:52 GMT -5
Thanks for the good wishes from everyone and Peony, I'm glad that you asked that question! I'm glad you're glad! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2011 23:25:48 GMT -5
I also agree with some of the above statements, you should go for it and not worry too much about being a dev. The more you think about it the harder it will be to give the able bodied guy a fair chance. I think he deserves it and if he is a nice guy just go with it and see what happens down the road.
I wonder if my life would have took a different turn if I would have known the things now back when I started dating...would I have only looked for disabled guys? I don't know but I don't think so...
Who knows if I would have ended up with a disabled partner, would I have maybe longed for an able bodied one after a while? I don't know, maybe the attraction would have turned into more a routine and normal thing just like with all the things we long for so badly and once we have them, they loose their glamour.
I am lucky enough to be fulfilled with just phantasizing or since I told my husband about it all with him pretending for me on those occasions where I just need my "fix"...it is funny, because that is what I call it...it does sound like an addiction, doesn't it? I also write and that helps me. He knows about my writing and he lets it happen without any problems.
He is too much of a good guy and also a great father to our two sons so after all these years for me, the initial butterflies in the stomach and craziness for each other has turned into so much more, which I would not purposely give up because of my devness. As I wrote in my other post, I am lucky to have an understanding husband who also uses my devness to also make our relationship more exciting and interesting. Me opening up to him was also his gain. I am very fortunate like that and I know it is not like that with everyone. I thank God that I could open up to him about it and how he reacted so great. Alone the fact that we share this very intimate "secret" about me made our marriage even stronger I think.
I wish you all the best Ruth and try to not let your devness stop you to give the guy a chance and who knows maybe it will all be o.k.
|
|
|
|
Post by dentelle on Nov 8, 2011 4:58:26 GMT -5
The guy I'm seeing is AB and he knows I'm a dev. It doesn't seem to bother him. We haven't really discussed it one way or the other.
|
|
|
|
Post by ruthmadison on Nov 9, 2011 8:28:48 GMT -5
He doesn't like me back. I'm almost positive and now I feel crushed. Is that why they call it a crush? Because when the other person doesn't like you back, it really feels like you're being flattened.
|
|
|
|
Post by Inigo Montoya on Nov 9, 2011 8:48:40 GMT -5
I'm sorry, Ruth. I have a special talent for liking guys who don't like me back. It sucks. :-( I send hugs and hopes for better in the future.  |
|
|
|
Post by Cake on Nov 9, 2011 8:58:18 GMT -5
Oh no! I'm sorry, Ruth  |
|
