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Post by mike on Jul 16, 2009 3:06:50 GMT -5
I would like to pose a two-part question:
1. For the Dev's - Would you want your S/O to know about you being a dev? Do you think this could draw you closer and facilitate communications, or would you fear rejection/ridicule etc.?
2. For the S/O's - If your partner was/is a dev, would you want to know, and if so would that improve or strain your relationship?
FWIW, I would like to know if my partner was a dev, and think it would significantly improve the relationship. I would perceive it as an endearing quality, and appreciate the courage it would take to reveal something so personal.
Mike
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Post by BA on Jul 16, 2009 15:39:42 GMT -5
My partner is able-bodied and while he knows peripherally about my attraction, he puts it down to my having such a "good heart". He truly does not understand and it is not something I would pursue futher with him as I think it would make him feel badly that he doesn't have a quality that I prefer. At this point in my life, if I were with a disabled partner, I would certainly let him know. I think it would be essential to the relationship.
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Phil
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Post by Phil on Jul 16, 2009 17:13:33 GMT -5
2. My S/O isn't a dev, but if she were I would want to know. We have a strong, secure relationship and we talk openly all the time.
Now, if it were other past relationships, that I don't know. It's a case by case basis, lol.
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Post by matisse on Jul 16, 2009 17:23:53 GMT -5
2. For the S/O's - If your partner was/is a dev, would you want to know, and if so would that improve or strain your relationship? I do not think it would be possible for a dev to hide her dev-ness from me, or any guy who knows about devs. But in any event, I would want to know, and it would be a plus. I would perceive it as an endearing quality, and appreciate the courage it would take to reveal something so personal. Courage and endearment? Hello?!?!?!?!? That sounds really boring. How about SEX........... |
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CJ
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Post by CJ on Jul 16, 2009 23:06:40 GMT -5
I can only come from this conversation from one perspective. While I have dated disabled men before, my current guy is able bodied. I am not really sure if he knows anything about devs. We have never talked about the issue, but one time, it almost came up in conversation.
We were watching a show where an AB female was dating a disabled guy. I got really annoyed when my guy said he didn't know why the chick was with the dude and there must be something wrong with her. It offended me on two different levels.
Number one - Only females with something wrong with them would date a disabled dude. Ok, I'm interested in disabled guys and always have been. There is nothing wrong with me. I'm educated, stable, and cute in a girl-next-door sort of way.
Number two - Disabled guys deserve girls too. It's like saying because a guy is physically different, he doesn't deserve to find a partner. Just all around offensive.
Anyway, I got a bit defensive with him. I told him that the girl in the film didn't have anything wrong with her and the guy deserved happiness as well. I also told him that if I wasn't with him, I'd have no problems dating a guy in a chair or whatever.
While in the past, I have dated disabled men, but not wheelers. They have not known about me being a dev. I would have only considered telling one, but he was more a friend that I had just started getting more than friendly with when he had to move to another state. I would not have told the other guys because I hadn't gotten very far in a relationship with them.
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Post by lindab535 on Jul 16, 2009 23:26:45 GMT -5
1. For the Dev's - Would you want your S/O to know about you being a dev? Do you think this could draw you closer and facilitate communications, or would you fear rejection/ridicule etc.?
This would not work for me. I am married and really love my husband who is AB. I would not want to undermine his confidence (never too high to begin with). I don't feel this is something I could share with him despite our being together 10 years.
It's more or less a private - though sometimes all-consuming - fantasy for me.
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Post by mike on Jul 17, 2009 0:13:36 GMT -5
You know, when I posed the question I hadn't considered the situation of an AB together with another AB, one of whom is a dev, but in retrospect there is no reason to limit the question.
The AB / AB dev situation is a really interesting one, because one partner (the non-dev) might easily feel distressed/awkward/threatened that their partner fantasized about something they could not provide. Conversely an understanding partner might be willing to help the dev partner, although with the exception of role playing I have no idea what they could do.
Which leads me to another probing question - Assuming your partner was AB but wanted to help you with your dev needs, what could they do to help you?
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Post by BA on Jul 17, 2009 6:50:04 GMT -5
You know, when I posed the question I hadn't considered the situation of an AB together with another AB, one of whom is a dev, but in retrospect there is no reason to limit the question. The AB / AB dev situation is a really interesting one, because one partner (the non-dev) might easily feel distressed/awkward/threatened that their partner fantasized about something they could not provide. Conversely an understanding partner might be willing to help the dev partner, although with the exception of role playing I have no idea what they could do. Which leads me to another probing question - Assuming your partner was AB but wanted to help you with your dev needs, what could they do to help you? There would be nothing that an AB partner could do to "help" me with my dev needs. As for my partner 'pretending' to be disabled - out of the question. I am just not into that. It's the real deal or it isn't. The only way to help me would be to have an open marriage. This is almost never possible, for most people. We tried it briefly and it blew up on us, as it most always does for most couples. |
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Post by lindab535 on Jul 17, 2009 7:56:52 GMT -5
Yeah - I don't think there is anything my AB husband could do to help me with this. Really. I wouldn't like knowing he felt this sort of (I mean any sort of) strong attraction for others, to be honest. I don't much like it in myself (given my status) but I do acknowledge that it's there and have come here for that reason.
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Post by Ray T on Jul 18, 2009 1:08:00 GMT -5
You know, when I posed the question I hadn't considered the situation of an AB together with another AB, one of whom is a dev, but in retrospect there is no reason to limit the question. The AB / AB dev situation is a really interesting one, because one partner (the non-dev) might easily feel distressed/awkward/threatened that their partner fantasized about something they could not provide. Conversely an understanding partner might be willing to help the dev partner, although with the exception of role playing I have no idea what they could do. Which leads me to another probing question - Assuming your partner was AB but wanted to help you with your dev needs, what could they do to help you? But wouldn't it be the same situation if a Man that was atracted to women with big brest fell in love with a woman with a cups? It is something she can not provide him with. My understanding the dev-ness is about the same thing as an atraction to any thing, where it be to red heads, or wheelers, what ever... I could be wrong but that is what i get from all the female devs i have talked to so far it is just a symple atraction to a disibility... Some men like feet. I do not see what all the fuss is about. some people like disabilitys. By the way you know i have seen a few very atractive female wheelers and they were even more atractive because they were wheelers... Dose this make me a wheeler devo? anyone got an opinion on that? |
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Post by mike on Jul 18, 2009 4:08:24 GMT -5
Ray,
I think we agree on this point, with two exceptions;
1. Being attracted to big boobs is entirely within the expected parameters for male attraction, whereas being attracted to disability is not. In my opinion, neither has more virtue or vice than the other, but one is more difficult to explore than another. Imagine telling your family you wanted to find a lady with a handicap. How would they likely react?
2. If you wanted your spouse to have big boobs she could decide to wear padded bras or get implants (neither my preference by the way), but assuming you were attracted to disability - how could she satisfy that?
I am assuming gender here, as the situation should be the same regardless of which gender desired which attribute.
Mike
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Post by matisse on Jul 18, 2009 11:38:02 GMT -5
The dev attraction is convenient to compare to other physical traits, like eyes or boobs, but from what I have read here over the last few years, it does not seem to me that it is the same. It's more fundamental, it's working off of a different switch. Guys who know that their SOs have this attraction are not bothered by it because they don't think of wheelers as a threat in a physical sense, but if they knew the effect that a wheeler actually would have on their SO, they probably would be threatened.
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Post by mike on Jul 18, 2009 12:41:46 GMT -5
Bananas & Matisse,
In general I agree with your points of view, and as a dis rather than a dev my point of view is rather limited.
That said, the point I was trying to make is this: When it comes to attractors that are mainstream, we can look for, discuss, and openly admire them, therefore they lose their power. When the attributes are not mainstream, we tend to keep them secret, and like a festering sore, they become more powerful.
Leading me to the conclusion that it is far healthier to accept the feelings than suppress them, but that is moderated by social realities including the trepidation about publicly acknowledging them.
Perhaps in some ancient time the Darwin factor came into play, natures attempt to ensure the survival of the species. Of course that would only apply to congenital conditions. Unless I am mistaken things like SCI are not inherited.
If you consider physical attraction in the traditional sense it would be hard not to recognize that everybody is different, and the things that attract us are different too, otherwise the human race would have homoginized into a single form.
Bananas, I agree with you vis-a-vis what attracts us to our mates versus what makes a good long-term relationship. I can relate to your desires (blue eyes), and acceptance of something else. Personally I would very much like it if my spouse was a dev, but she's not. She and I have been married to each other twice, and for a long time. Like you, my desires have been subrogated to reality. The only differentiator is that I now realize I had a choice, before I didn't even imagine there was such a thing as a female who saw disability as a positive attribute. Your spouse on the other hand could have easily speculated there were women who would be attracted to any eye color, even if his was bizarre.
Although my problems weren't severe until my early 20's, my situation was not the result of an accident, it is genetic, leading to the probability my kids would have it too. I used to assume this would make me much less desirable in the gene pool, with some justification. As it turned out I have twin daughters, one has it and the other doesn't. We also have a son, and so far he seems OK.
Of course, in line with my opening caevat, this is purely based upon speculation & conjecture.
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Post by mike on Jul 18, 2009 13:24:42 GMT -5
Another couple points I would like to make are:
Several years ago I was having a discussion with a bisexual female who explained her point of view: "I'm more interested in the person than the plumbing". I had to admire her clarity of thought and the broad view she has on life. When it comes to a long term relationship that point of view is the correct one, we would all like our spouse to conform to our dreams in a physical sense, but it's far more important that we connect emotionally.
The difference here is this: When choosing a mate YOU get to choose how important their attributes are. But, assuming for a moment your spouse has brown eyes, if you really couldn't tolerate brown eyes, he could still realistically expect to find a suitable partner who DID like brown eyes, or as it seems in your case, eye color wasn't all that important. For the people that fall outside the mainstream that expectation isn't so clear. What percentage of females would be attracted to a disabled male? And how does one go about finding one? There is no socially accepted way (with the possible exception of the internet) to announce one is a dev, or conversly would like to meet a dev friendly partner.
In my opinion, the primary driver for unacceptable dev behavor is the secrecy & shame that the dev has lived with for a long time. There are very few accepted outlets to express their desires, nor social rules that dictate appropriate behavior. The rule of appropriate behavior is double edged, a dev may not know what is acceptable, and the dis may be bothered by behavior that is really normal. If a man openly admires your hair color or shoes, the accepted response is to be flattered, but if he said "Nice braces!", it would be considered inappropriate, although the intent may be identical. Personally I have never experienced anything like that, and although flattered, would have no idea how to respond.
In my case, had I known there were female dev's I might not have settled for a non-dev mate. Mine was decidedly NOT attracted to disability, but I had no idea that point of view was not universal.
If we were to draw a parallel to homosexuality (I know, poor choice of metaphor), in the 50's is was considered deviant and shameful, although it still existed. As a society, we have moved beyond that stilted point of view and are far more accepting of peoples alternate lifestyles & choices. Hopefully some day attractions for the non mainstream characteristics will become similar, and one could comfortably proclaim their desires.
The bottom line for me is this: Discovering there are such things as dev females has opened a new world to me, and web sites like this can be emotionally very rewarding.
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Post by canadiandev on Jul 19, 2009 13:17:39 GMT -5
I would like to pose a two-part question: 1. For the Dev's - Would you want your S/O to know about you being a dev? Do you think this could draw you closer and facilitate communications, or would you fear rejection/ridicule etc.? My ex was the first person I ever told. I was unbearably nervous about telling him, but I wanted us to have a very honest relationship (we got divorced years later for unrelated reasons; still friends) and felt that by not telling him I was holding back a large part of myself. He almost laughed (because I was so worked up about it) and said "Get thee to the Internet, my dear". I thank him for that. I told my current partner fairly early on in our relationship. She was also really cool about it and could relate a bit (she's mildly dev-like). It definitely enhanced our communication, especially about sex. |
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