Do you disclose you are a devotee up front?

[pilotdev]

Anyone have ideas on if you should tell a disabled person up front that part of your interest is their disability? Should you wait awhile or just be up front about it? Some don't know how to take it when you say that. I am into the entire person not just the disability so if I express interest it is because I am interested in the entire package a person has to offer etc. Thanks

[vancityippy]

this was the first question I posted upon finding this board.
Like you,(and many others) I am very much into the person...a disabled guy who is otherwise unattractive or "not my type" does nothing for me so yes, I have had the same thought process.

The answer is individual but my personal experience is as follows.
I dated one guy with a disability...we met in a coffee shop and no, I didn't tell him...But for some reason, I just didn't feel right about it...It stilted the relationship because I felt I was hiding something...in the end, I regretted not talking about my appreciation for guys in chairs.
Infact, I regretted it so much that I contacted him via e-mail a year after we stopped dating and told him :/ He reacted very well and said that I should've have mentioned it before, as he thought it was interesting.

I also met someone here, so he knew right away...and as much as that made me uncomfortable to some extent, the better we get to know each other, the more I trust that he sees that I'm deeper that liking him only for his disability.

Comparing the two situations, the second is a billion times better for two reasons. 1) it sets the relationship up on honest grounds and, 2) It reaffirms the fact that there is nothing wrong with preferring and being attracted to people with disabilities.

That said, for me, I think the most ideal situation would be telling a guy about my attraction...but not using the word "devotee".
I don't particularly like the word "devotee" and I see no reason to have to say that word or identify with it.
The only use that I have for that word has been to discover others who share my attraction and have interesting and fun conversations with them about the dudes we find hot.

[Emma]

I'm with Vancity and think its a better plan to tell the person early in the relationship. There are so many reasons for doing it that way but the biggest one in my mind is its best to be honest. The earlier you tell the easier it is and if the person reacts negatively then you don't get all sucked into a relationship with someone who isn't cool with your attraction.

[pilotdev]

Thank you so much for your reply. You are correct if there is no physical attraction or personality attraction then the disability is a mute issue for me as well. I also don't like the word devotee. How would approach the subject? What would you say to the other person? Some people think is is so weird that we find their disability attractive. Thanks

Jan 20, 2013 0:33:15 GMT -5 vancityippy said:

this was the first question I posted upon finding this board.
Like you,(and many others) I am very much into the person...a disabled guy who is otherwise unattractive or "not my type" does nothing for me so yes, I have had the same thought process.

The answer is individual but my personal experience is as follows.
I dated one guy with a disability...we met in a coffee shop and no, I didn't tell him...But for some reason, I just didn't feel right about it...It stilted the relationship because I felt I was hiding something...in the end, I regretted not talking about my appreciation for guys in chairs.
Infact, I regretted it so much that I contacted him via e-mail a year after we stopped dating and told him :/ He reacted very well and said that I should've have mentioned it before, as he thought it was interesting.

I also met someone here, so he knew right away...and as much as that made me uncomfortable to some extent, the better we get to know each other, the more I trust that he sees that I'm deeper that liking him only for his disability.

Comparing the two situations, the second is a billion times better for two reasons. 1) it sets the relationship up on honest grounds and, 2) It reaffirms the fact that there is nothing wrong with preferring and being attracted to people with disabilities.

That said, for me, I think the most ideal situation would be telling a guy about my attraction...but not using the word "devotee".
I don't particularly like the word "devotee" and I see no reason to have to say that word or identify with it.
The only use that I have for that word has been to discover others who share my attraction and have interesting and fun conversations with them about the dudes we find hot.

[pilotdev]

Thank you Emma!

Jan 20, 2013 1:19:12 GMT -5 Emma said:

I'm with Vancity and think its a better plan to tell the person early in the relationship. There are so many reasons for doing it that way but the biggest one in my mind is its best to be honest. The earlier you tell the easier it is and if the person reacts negatively then you don't get all sucked into a relationship with someone who isn't cool with your attraction.

[vancityippy]

how to bring it up?
Again, that's probably gunna be different for everyone...but if I met a dis guy and we were on a date, I'd probably mention it when the disability issue comes up...it always does. Slip it in naturally..if he says "meeting girls who are open to dating me can be challenge" you say "really? I've always thought disabled guys are particularly attractive" or "I prefer disabled guys"...then go from there:)
The one thing I think is most important is not to bring it up like some big, horrible thing. No one wants to think that the source of your attraction to them is a dark and terrible thing to you...in my experience, people adopt your attitude about yourself so, bring it up lightheartedly.
it's okay to admit that you have conflicted feelings about it...I always do...But in my heart I feel it's actually a lovely attraction so, that's how I try and treat it.
and I just wouldn't say "devotee" if he's heard the term, or brings it up, sure, say you have seen the term online too and chatted with other girls like yourself, but you don't like the word.
Thats my advice...I dunno how others do it.

Oh and lastly, I don't focus on it too much. I personally don't want to analyze my sexuality with someone before I know them too well. I also don't want to give my attraction too much weight as it's not what I want any relationship to be built on..I just like to say it, then move on to getting to know each other...

[pilotdev]

Thank you! I would also welcome others thought as well. This is very helpful.

[Valkyrja]

I have a very different point of view.
When I was looking for a guy (centuries before!)... I would never question myself about disclosure that info. I always thought that if I found the para I wanted to find, I would never tell.
But, again, it was long time ago and I didn't know about being a dev.
Thou, I must say that I still think I will never share that info.

[Peony]

That is so interesting, Val! Would you mind explaining why you wouldn't a little more? Completely understand if you don't want to, though

I think if I was with a disabled partner, and it was a past the point of 'random hook-up', I would have to disclose it. That's all hearsay though, of course. I have so much respect for all of you who have been open about it with your partners.

[Valkyrja]

I really don't know why, Peony!...
I've been with my partner (AB guy) for the past 17 years and I've never told him about my "devness"
He knows everything about my ex-affairs, my ex-lovers, the guys I find hot, etc. But I have always omited the disability part. That part is way too mine.
And if I would have found my "dream para" (sorry if it is not PC), at the begining of any relationship I had, it was just sex... so, if it would be just sex, why bother telling details.
And, from my point of view, once you fall for someone it doesn't matter if he is AB or if he has a disability.

[Peony]

Jan 27, 2013 19:04:56 GMT -5 Valkyrja said:

I really don't know why, Peony!...
I've been with my partner (AB guy) for the past 17 years and I've never told him about my "devness"
He knows everything about my ex-affairs, my ex-lovers, the guys I find hot, etc. But I have always omited the disability part. That part is way too mine.
And if I would have found my "dream para" (sorry if it is not PC), at the begining of any relationship I had, it was just sex... so, if it would be just sex, why bother telling details.
And, from my point of view, once you fall for someone it doesn't matter if he is AB or if he has a disability.

Thanks for attempting to explain ;D

Always good to hear the other side of it too, thanks again

[faith]

If our fetish were feet (and let's call it what it is... a fetish) would you tell someone RIGHT AWAY?

Or let's turn it around... if you went out with a guy who had a foot fetish and you were on a date and right from the beginning he told you, "you know Susan, I think you should know I have a foot fetish. I am part of a website with other people who have feet fetish and I watch You Tubes about feet. You have beautiful feet. Now... don't think I am just attracted to your feet, you have other great qualities too... but I wanted you to know."

It just seems weird to me. I DO believe in an honest relationship... but, IMO, that is just not soemthing everyone needs to know! As you move ahead in your relationship it may naturally come up- and fine, share (or at least don't hide it).

My sweetie KNOWS I think he is hot, his legs are hot, his chair is hot, everything about him is hot (he is REALLY, REALLY good looking outside of his disability) but we have never used the word fetish or devotee. I certainly wouldn't have brought it up at the beginning of our relationship mainly because I wouldn't want ANY fetish brought up at the beginning of a relationship. I would think that that is all the guy thought about if he brought it up before we knew more important things.

Again... JMHO.

[catjona]

I have never been in a relationship with a disabled man so this is all theory but anyway this is what I think.

Before I joined this board I would never have told him about being a dev and most likely even denied it if he would have asked.
But know I feel much more comfortable about myself and I would feel bad if I keep something this important from him. For me it would more or less be like lying and that is something I really try to avoid in a relationship.

The how and when would be my big problem. I think vancitys suggestion could work for me too:

Jan 21, 2013 0:01:48 GMT -5 vancityippy said:

how to bring it up?
if I met a dis guy and we were on a date, I'd probably mention it when the disability issue comes up...it always does. Slip it in naturally..if he says "meeting girls who are open to dating me can be challenge" you say "really? I've always thought disabled guys are particularly attractive" or "I prefer disabled guys"...then go from there:)
The one thing I think is most important is not to bring it up like some big, horrible thing. No one wants to think that the source of your attraction to them is a dark and terrible thing to you...in my experience, people adopt your attitude about yourself so, bring it up lightheartedly.
it's okay to admit that you have conflicted feelings about it...I always do...But in my heart I feel it's actually a lovely attraction so, that's how I try and treat it.
and I just wouldn't say "devotee" if he's heard the term, or brings it up, sure, say you have seen the term online too and chatted with other girls like yourself, but you don't like the word.

Oh and lastly, I don't focus on it too much. I personally don't want to analyze my sexuality with someone before I know them too well. I also don't want to give my attraction too much weight as it's not what I want any relationship to be built on..I just like to say it, then move on to getting to know each other...

[Deleted]

I wonder if it is so important to actually tell them you are a "dev"...I mean when you meet a diabled guy you like or think is attractive I don't think it matters if you are a dev or not...just like with an able bodied partner you don't tell them right away what exactly you like...you meet the person, you get to know the person, you have a mutual understanding, you like each other, you think you are attracted to each other, have fun with each other...I wonder if it is at all important to tell them in a direct approach because it will probably come up sooner or later anyways....just like you tell any person you are with eventually how much you like their hair, their humor, their eyes or whatever you like about them...

[alexa2010]

As I've never had a boyfriend with a disability it's pure theorie for me too.
I think sexual preferences are no topic for the first dates.
If something clicks between two people it's natural that they show each other that they feel attracted. By their bodies and their minds.
So I wouldn't come up with it. But if I'd been asked I would (just recently) tell the truth!