Living with your parents

[geekychair]

Okay, I just happen to live with my parents. If it was not so damn expensive to be disabled, I probably wouldn't be renting from my parents. I have home health aides help me throughout the day. The good thing is my parents understand and do what they can to ensure privacy. We make it work. Do any of you have a similar arrangement and how do you handle relationships, both your parental and romantic ones? Ladies, what do you think about those arrangements?

[Ath]

I might write a longer reply after work.
I believe devs are open to a guy living with his parents if his disability is severe and he depends on them = if there is a reason and not only lazyness.
And if they are interested in you, but cant accept this arrangement, they dont yet understand the impact the condition has on you and what the economic situation is like.
In the end its practical and even life saving. How many trust their aides to 110% or have not had aides not show up for work one day.

(Do I need to add that all devs are individuals and have different preferences )

[britishtetra]

After I broke my neck 22 years ago my dad and I decided that the best option at the time was for him to live with me, do my care etc. Then if in the future i met someone, he would go back to live with my mom, only I could never find nobody. Trouble is, when I first broke my neck I rented in Bournville, then I brought a place in the country with a nice garden.
When we were young we never had a garden... It was a 6ft x 6ft bit of grass for a washing line. Now my dad has got a huge plot with his sheds, greenhouse so he's content.
He has told me if I found someone he'd go but maybe I've lost confidence in this...

But I live in hope...

Pete,

[Emma]

At risk of stating the obvious answer. If you live with your parents or not it is never a good expectation to replace your aides with a significant other.

[Ath]

Nice too see you are back Pete. Gosh Id hate to be your mother in that situation... must have felt like loosing both son and husband. Sorry if this is too close to home.

[Dee Dee]

I have got to say that I would always prefer a guy NOT to live with his parents. Moving away from home is an important step in people´s lives. You have to physically and mentally separate yourself from your parents.

However much I like my parents-in-law I would not like to have to deal with them on a daily basis.

I am fully aware how difficult it can be for some disabled people to move away from their parents - on the other hand I just counted and I know at least five people with more severe disabilities - and who live on their own. So it can be done, although it does take a lot of hard work.

I sometimes hear of able-bodied men in their thirties, forties of fifties who still live with their parents. That is a "no-go-zone" for me

[corbin03]

I live with my parents as well and while it is not my preferred living arrangement, I've come to accept living with them. There are a lot of advantages… they are reliable and I don't have to worry about them not showing up. They are primarily the ones who do my cares, although I have recently started relying on outside help. As for privacy, it's something that I've only recently started to worry about so it's a work in progress.

[vancityippy]

It's a tough one...
I prefer a guy lives on his own...
Not because I don't understand the challenges of supporting one's self as a disabled person but...
As a person who hopes to build a solid, healthy relationship...I fear that the parents are taking on extra responsibilities and that if the relationship works out, I may be the one to pick up the slack once the parents are gone...
I don't want to be someone's caregiver. I am happy to help with personal care in moderation, in emergency situations and on occasion to have space and privacy as a couple...But I don't want to be someone's only life-line to independence...

That said...I am definitely open to dating guys who live with their parents...I just expect them to be trying to work towards finding some way to be independent... Otherwise it scares me too much

[Pigeon]

I swing back and forth on the parents issue. In my current social circle (barely graduated from college to mid 20's), an AB guy living with his parents is sort of a red flag. (It was actually part of the reason I broke up with my AB ex). If it's an economic thing or a quality of care thing, it's a lot less of an flag for me.

I think I would be open to it if the person involved was an adult and could demonstrate that other ways. (I'm not saying that living on your own is mutually exclusive to being an adult, although in my experience, friends who ended up back with their parents tended to stay children longer?).

[corbin03]

Personally, I would never expect my significant other to assume the role of a primary caregiver. I think most disabled folk probably feel the same way.

[vancityippy]

Maybe I could phrase my fears better.
I am definitely open to dating disabled guys who live at home if there disability is such that they are significantly challenged, merely because I understand how financially difficult that is.

That said, my fear stems from being afraid that the realities of living without parents will be overwhelming. (Bill payments, phone calls, medical appointments, home maintainence, hiring/ firing care aids...)
I guess it makes me feel a lot better knowing that a guy can navigate all that...despite how hard it may be...
But again, if a guy is trying, hoping, acknowledging that as a dream...
I definitely will give things a shot, no problem.

[Kid A]

I'm in the unique position of not only being one of my SO's PCAs, but also of living with him in his parents' home, albeit temporarily on both accounts. I freely admit that this is not ideal, but there are several factors that make it doable for us:

1. Neither parent acts as a caregiver. This allows for greater privacy when it comes to matters of intimacy, since they're never involved in his personal care.

2. They both work ridiculously long hours all week, so they are almost never around, even on weekends.

3. Since long before I joined the family, they have made it their goal to be as hands-off as possible when it comes to Swagger's personal and day-to-day life. They will often go days without so much as poking their heads in to say "hello."

4. They mainly act in a financial backing capacity, sometimes running errands for us, or acting as back-up PCAs, but only when necessary. This leads me to my next point . . .

5. We both live here rent-free.

6. We all get along quite well.

Still, this situation is hardly ideal, so it's good that it is temporary. There are certainly plenty of negatives. For the four years prior to living here, I lived solo, so I got used to having my own personal space, with completely unmitigated privacy. I crave having that again, not to mention making a nest of my own, with my own personal style and level of cleanliness and orderliness. Swagger and I certainly want to have a place to call our own and not have to share a single shower with 2-3 other people. We almost never get the house completely to ourselves for stretches of days at a time, despite the long hours his parents work.

Finally, though we all do get along, there are times when friction arises, but I suppose that's true with any roommate situation. However, it's particularly awkward when conflict arises surrounding Swagger's personal care because they are family and my employers. For example, if there is a lapse between when one PCA arrives and I have to leave for a class, his mother will force herself to be held up from going to work because she feels it is too unsafe to risk leaving Swagger alone, even if it is for a few minutes. This would be a non-issue if we had our own place. We do not intend to keep this arrangement any longer than we have to, though the free rent, utilities, laundry and food are definitely huge perks.

Swagger graduates next year and I'll be finished with the bar and searching for legal jobs by August. This should give us enough time to save up and, hopefully, by the time Swagger is searching for (and hopefully soon landing) a job, we'll be poised to get our own place. I imagine they'll still be supporting him financially for awhile, just as my parents have, while we get on our feet. Luckily, Massachusetts has an amazing health care system and Swagger's healthcare is completely covered, so that's not really an issue. Housing and living expenses will be the main thrust of our financial burdens, other than my student loan repayments, of course. ::le sigh::

[Emma]

Thanks for sharing Kid A. I think this is the most important point of your whole post:

Apr 30, 2013 22:32:12 GMT -5 Kid A said:

3. Since long before I joined the family, they have made it their goal to be as hands-off as possible when it comes to Swagger's personal and day-to-day life. They will often go days without so much as poking their heads in to say "hello."

That is the key......it doesn't matter the guys disability, his needs, or anything really other than knowing that the goal is to be as independent as possible. It sounds like you are in a good situation despite the challenges that come with co-habitating with in laws.

[Dee Dee]

Apr 30, 2013 22:32:12 GMT -5 Kid A said:

I'm in the unique position of not only being one of my SO's PCAs, but also of living with him in his parents' home, albeit temporarily on both accounts. I freely admit that this is not ideal, but there are several factors that make it doable for us:

1. Neither parent acts as a caregiver. This allows for greater privacy when it comes to matters of intimacy, since they're never involved in his personal care.

2. They both work ridiculously long hours all week, so they are almost never around, even on weekends.

3. Since long before I joined the family, they have made it their goal to be as hands-off as possible when it comes to Swagger's personal and day-to-day life. They will often go days without so much as poking their heads in to say "hello."

4. They mainly act in a financial backing capacity, sometimes running errands for us, or acting as back-up PCAs, but only when necessary. This leads me to my next point . . .

5. We both live here rent-free.

6. We all get along quite well.

Still, this situation is hardly ideal, so it's good that it is temporary. There are certainly plenty of negatives. For the four years prior to living here, I lived solo, so I got used to having my own personal space, with completely unmitigated privacy. I crave having that again, not to mention making a nest of my own, with my own personal style and level of cleanliness and orderliness. Swagger and I certainly want to have a place to call our own and not have to share a single shower with 2-3 other people. We almost never get the house completely to ourselves for stretches of days at a time, despite the long hours his parents work.

Finally, though we all do get along, there are times when friction arises, but I suppose that's true with any roommate situation. However, it's particularly awkward when conflict arises surrounding Swagger's personal care because they are family and my employers. For example, if there is a lapse between when one PCA arrives and I have to leave for a class, his mother will force herself to be held up from going to work because she feels it is too unsafe to risk leaving Swagger alone, even if it is for a few minutes. This would be a non-issue if we had our own place. We do not intend to keep this arrangement any longer than we have to, though the free rent, utilities, laundry and food are definitely huge perks.

Swagger graduates next year and I'll be finished with the bar and searching for legal jobs by August. This should give us enough time to save up and, hopefully, by the time Swagger is searching for (and hopefully soon landing) a job, we'll be poised to get our own place. I imagine they'll still be supporting him financially for awhile, just as my parents have, while we get on our feet. Luckily, Massachusetts has an amazing health care system and Swagger's healthcare is completely covered, so that's not really an issue. Housing and living expenses will be the main thrust of our financial burdens, other than my student loan repayments, of course. ::le sigh::

Kid A, I am happy to know that it is working out well for you - and I can so much understand your wish of having your own place too. Especially the parts about privacy, personal style and cleanliness - these are important to me too

Also, it sounds like you have a good plan for the future worked out.

[Kid A]

Thanks, ladies! I think you're absolutely right, Emma! If they were "helicopter parents," this situation would not have worked out for us at all. I take comfort in knowing they'll always be there for him, no matter where we are, while still leaving us in peace. I have faith that everything will work out and we'll be on our own soon enough.