A Situation

[Juno]

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[RyooT]

In your heart of hearts you know the answer. Finding the courage to act on it is the challenge. Only you can know what is right and when it's right. Ask yourself what is preventing you from acting now? What do you think will make the difference in a couple of years time...

[devogirl]

You say you are positive the marriage will end in divorce, and therapy will not help. If you feel that way, you are correct, because the relationship needs commitment from both sides to work. It's sad and upsetting, but it's good that you are honest with yourself.

So ok, you are certain that this relationship is doomed. Why prolong the agony by another 2 years? You are not going to make the heartbreak any less for yourself or your guy by dragging things out, quite the opposite. Taking extra time before breaking up will only make him feel used, not comforted.

You are not a shallow or perverted person for ending a relationship because of sexual incompatibility. It's a legitimate dealbreaker for anyone, gay, straight, vanilla, whatever. And you don't have to make excuses to yourself, your partner or anyone else for being a dev. If you don't want to discuss your devness to your family and friends, they don't need all the details on WHY you are splitting up.

In your post you say over and over that you don't want to marry him. So don't. It doesn't matter how wonderful and perfect he is. If the relationship isn't working, he isn't perfect for you. Just tear off the bandaid--it will be much healthier for both of you.

[Cake]

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's such a difficult situation.
Unlike Ryoot and Devogirl, I don't see breaking-up as the necessarily only option here though. Looks like you have found an amazing match, which is not something that happens every day and is worth fighting for. You say you love him, so by leaving him now, you would probably break your own heart.
I guess the most important question for you to answer here is, does he make you happy? If the sadness of the sex situation outweighs the general happiness, then there's a serious problem. If you all in all feel like this is the happiest you've ever been with a guy , then you know you want to be with him and just have to find some way to live your sexuality too.
What was it like when you met him? After all, you had made a conscious decision to stop dating wheelers and pursue AB guys. What had made you come to that decision? And how did you think you would handle not being able to be sexually satisfied?

Regarding counseling, I can see your point about that not changing anything about your being a dev, but I would still seriously consider it. A good sexologist may be able help you deal with the situation and give you tips how to find a way that works for both of you. I have been seeing one for a while now and have benefited greatly in terms of my sexual identity. I'm not such a sexually-exclusive dev as you though, so I realize it might be a lot more complicated for you. Still, I'm somewhat able to relate to your situation, as I am with a guy who I really feel is my soulmate, but still am not a hundred percent sexually satisfied. Hit me up via PM if you wanna talk.

[kivic]

You're at a crossroads and this decision should not be taken lightly.  These ladies all have valid points.  It is exceedingly difficult to find a compatible partner and to find one that fulfills you in many ways is near impossible.  With any relationship, it takes HARD work to get a balance where both partners' emotional and sexual needs are met.  I wouldn't give up on it yet.  If this one thing is what is holding you back from 100% commitment then certainly explore your options with sex therapy.  I think your fiance is feeling inadequate and that he won't be able to fulfill you sexually. 

I agree, it is important to have a sexual chemistry with your partner.  Alot of the time, sex is about learning what works best between you, and this may be something you need to work on with yourself and then with your AB partner.  You need to find what will satisfy you with him and by putting on a 'show' for him, you are inevitably delaying dealing with this roadblock. 

There seems to be a strong bond between you, and if you can work this out together, you can definitely deal with most things that life will throw at you.

[Emma]

I wish I had some good advice but its a really tough question and truly only one you can answer yourself. I never had a perfect AB guy who wanted to marry me. In all honesty I think I would have married an AB guy if that happened because I hadn't been in a relationship with a disabled guy who pushed all my buttons sexually. I wouldn't have known what i was missing. All my relationships with AB guys had issues so the decision was simple for me when I decided I wanted to be with a disabled guy. I knew I wanted the experience and wasn't giving up anything that was special. I think the question you need to ask yourself is weather he really is perfect in every way other than not being disabled? For me its was not all about sexual satisfaction when I choose a disabled guy. There is so much more to our relationship that seems right because he has a disability.

[whisperingpines]

I don't want to tell you what to do, but I will tell how I felt.

I was married with a AB husband. I had never dated a DA guy and I thought that he was what I needed to live a happy life and who I wanted to have a family with. But after awhile the sex became an issue (for many reasons, not just because I didn't desire him) and well, long story short: in the end I didn't want to touch him anymore. He ended up divorcing me.

After that I've been with two DA guys and I have to say that spending the rest of my life with my ex-husband would have been wasting my life in a unsatisfying relationship. Even if it was scary as hell to be left alone thinking that I will never find anyone - I still got the chance to be free to enjoy sex for the rest of my life. I'm sure I could have lived with him and be somewhat content with my life, but is that enough? We only have one life and we don't even know how many years we are given, so is it enough if you're only content?

So even if it was the hardest thing in my life - going through the divorce and all the shame and humiliation - I'm glad it happen. I would probably do it again (I mean marry him again if I would go back to that moment and if I wouldn't know how it can be with a wheeler, cause he was a good fiancé). But now, knowing all this, I would rather enjoy those years that I have. Sex is a huge deal, and you don't really realize how huge it is before it's gone and you feel like living with a roommate. And now when I know that even parenting feels different when you can truly appreciate all the things he (the DA SO) does despite the fact that it would be a lot easier for you to do it but he does it anyway, without hesitation or whining.. well, I just keep thinking how blessed I am because of the divorce. It gave me the life I always wanted. So knowing all this and going back to the moment where we decided to get married - I would say no.

So.. You have been with a wheeler and you know all this. How DO you want to spend your life? I know it's hard to find a perfect guy and even harder to find the perfect wheeler and you have no guarantees that you ever will. But do you want to go through the divorce? (You are saying in your post that this is likely to happen) Cause I can tell you - it's a shitty feeling! It takes few years to get over it and you always feel little failed. I think you should only marry him if you feel you two are gonna be happy together for many many years. And if sex and desire matters and you need a wheeler for that, well, the chances that he will become a wheeler are not so great.

[Deleted]

I am so sorry you are going through this....I myself are struggling in my marriage to my AB husband for 22 years. and I have asked the ladies here for advice myself and discussed this here before....I don't have any good advice other than what the girls already wrote....but what really made me sad was when you say that you know this marriage will end in divorce...that right there is bad already and it is almost the answer already to your questions I think.....you shouldn't go through with it if you already have so many doubts....

[Deleted]

I think if I would have known what you know already at a young age my life would have went very differently and I probably would have pursued DA guys for partners.....

[Juno]

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[kivic]

Ultimately this decision is your own and it's a hard decision to make. My AB guy ALWAYS ALWAYS does me first. I find after I climax that I enjoy penetration more than if he goes first. You need to warm up the oven before you put the buns in, so to speak.

What if you think of all the things you do love about him (and not of what he doesn't have), would that make you feel closer to him and thus more attracted?

Honestly, you're in a tough spot and I wish you the best.

[Emma]

My disabled guy does the same......I think its the best way to go.

[kivic]

Oct 31, 2013 11:25:14 GMT -5 Emma said:

My disabled guy does the same......I think its the best way to go.

I guess it depends on the guy and not if he's AB or DA

[Juno]

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[Ath]

To me it sounds as even if the sexual issue could be resoved you would not be able to repair the relationship in a way that makes you both feel comfortable with eachother again.