Devs Only: Do you recognize devness in your mom or daughter?

[SouthernCalGal]

Feb 24, 2018 21:01:15 GMT -5 tori said:

So I just walked in the kitchen and my daughter was like "I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich blindfolded!"

I've noticed her doing a LOT of stuff blindfolded recently. So I asked "Why?" She's like "Cuz it's fun." Then just shrugged. She's also been REALLY into watching Covert Affairs with me lately with Auggie. 

Wondering if the dev stuff IS genetic??? Do you think it's even possible?

I think so- if you read my previous posts-I have went through a closed captioning phase with my daughter. Being DEVS -we know what to.look for  .

[Amee]

I love this thread, so interesting to read all of your experiences!

This is something I've been wondering about for such a long time, because of something my mother said to me years ago when I was still a child/teenager (can't remember when it was exactly). She told me that when she was still in school she used to love it when another kid had a leg cast. It's possible that for her it was just the kind of interest in new/different things children often have or just something non-sexual. But I wonder if she would remember it into adulthood and find it worthy of telling me, if it wasn't something relatively intense. I've also noticed that she often seemed interested when there were documentaries/reports involving disability/PWDs on TV. So, I have a pretty strong hunch that there's something... And I'm sooo dying to know! But even though I have a very close and honest relationship with my mother, I doubt I'll ever be able to bring myself to address it. If she really was a dev I can imagine it would be wonderful to share that with her - not that I'd want to talk about it in any sort of detail with her, but just knowing that it's something we share would feel great, I think. However, if I'm wrong and she isn't, I really don't want her to know something so intimate about my sexuality.

Maybe I should try to come up with some ways to provoke her to drop some more hints... Any ideas how we can test people on devness without giving ourselves away?

[laur]

Do you see your mom regularly, Amee? Maybe you could watch a tv show or movie together with a main storyline with a male PWD character that you find attractive and mention it to see if she shares anything.

[SouthernCalGal]

Amee, this is a great topic and I am glad you brought it up.  As you are reading on this thread, you already know I think my daughter is.  At one time, I thought my mom might have been because of a comment she made about the character on the show "Mom" who uses a wheelchair.

Well, several weeks before my mom passed, I confessed (isn't that a crazy word to use but it was how I felt) to my mom that I am what you call a Devotee or DEV and explained it to her.  I explained that I have felt this way pretty much my entire life. I was so nervous and I remember my voice shaking when I told her.  I asked her if she ever had any similar feeling or thoughts.  She said she didn't but then admitted if she would have been young in the time when you could go to the internet to explore and ask questions, she might have discovered something different about herself.  She didn't say anything negative to me about what we discussed and then the conversation just changed to something else. 

I was so glad that I asked her and it is not a lingering question in my mind.  I am also happy that she knew about this part of me (because it is such a big part of me) and that kind of gives me some peace.

Good luck with your journey with your mom and discovery.

 

[Amee]

Mar 6, 2019 14:18:39 GMT -5 laur said:

Do you see your mom regularly, Amee ? Maybe you could watch a tv show or movie together with a main storyline with a male PWD character that you find attractive and mention it to see if she shares anything.

Thanks for the tipp, laur! This is actually something I've been thinking of, too. I do see her regularly, though usually not alone, but with my Dad (who definitely doesn't need to know, haha).
The problem is that I can't really think of a suitable film (or TV show). There aren't that many with guys I find attractive that I could watch with her. I'll go through the movie list again, but there's nothing that really comes to mind. (For me personally the top choices would probably be Avatar and Netflix's Daredevil, but those are genres she's not interested in.) It would have to be a rom-com or drama or something in that vein and not too old. If anyone has any ideas, I'm happy for recommendations! 

[Amee]

Mar 6, 2019 15:18:23 GMT -5 SouthernCalGal said:

Amee , this is a great topic and I am glad you brought it up.  As you are reading on this thread, you already know I think my daughter is.  At one time, I thought my mom might have been because of a comment she made about the character on the show "Mom" who uses a wheelchair.

Well, several weeks before my mom passed, I confessed (isn't that a crazy word to use but it was how I felt) to my mom that I am what you call a Devotee or DEV and explained it to her.  I explained that I have felt this way pretty much my entire life. I was so nervous and I remember my voice shaking when I told her.  I asked her if she ever had any similar feeling or thoughts.  She said she didn't but then admitted if she would have been young in the time when you could go to the internet to explore and ask questions, she might have discovered something different about herself.  She didn't say anything negative to me about what we discussed and then the conversation just changed to something else. 

I was so glad that I asked her and it is not a lingering question in my mind.  I am also happy that she knew about this part of me (because it is such a big part of me) and that kind of gives me some peace.

Good luck with your journey with your mom and discovery.

 

Thanks so much for sharing that SouthernCalGal! Yes, I read about your daughter and for some reason it really makes me happy I like the idea of it being something that we share with other women in our families and that doesn't just appear randomly. 

That said, the idea of telling her is so strange to me. Unlike with most people, I can actually imagine "confessing" to her. I really think I could do it, if I prepared myself emotionally. The problem really is that at the moment, I kind of don't want her to know, if she doesn't share it. I think part of the reason is that while we're very close and open with each other, I feel like there's kind of an imbalance in our relationship at the moment (that's been there for a little while). In the sense that I feel like I'm giving her more emotional support than she's giving me. And it's not because I wouldn't need it, it's just that I feel like she's so busy with what's going on in her own life at the moment, that whenever I want to talk about something that bothers me, I feel this tension or strain in her. I feel like my problems are a burden to her and she's always so anxious to "help" me with some advice I don't want. We've talked about this situation too and I hope we'll work it out eventually, but, yes... For the time being I don't feel comfortable with her knowing this thing, just because I'm worried about what she'll do with it in her head (if that makes any sense).

I understand how it would give you peace! And I definitely think I'll tell her at some point in my life, I just think it's not now. (But who knows, maybe a couple more weeks on the board will give me enough confidence to talk about it in a way she doesn't feel like it's a problem for me and it wouldn't burden her.)

[Deleted]

It's nice that this thread popped back up on top. I can't believe this thread started so long ago.

I envy you ladies who have a close relationship with your moms. Since I left my home at a young age and moved across the ocean even though over the years have been back home and closer to my mom in location, as people we are disconnected.

We were never that close to begin with and now I have been gone for eleven years again and only saw my mom during visits in like two to three week intervals every two to three years, I have grown even further apart from her and also my sister. We are not very close and not emotionally connected.

When my mom visited last year for three weeks it was very, very difficult as I believe she is showing early signs of dementia, she is almost eighty. There were times where it felt like we are complete strangers and there were tears and confusion.
So with that my mom has no idea who I am really and I am too far disconnected from her. Even though it hurts, there is nothing I can do about it.

I do realize that my mom is the type of person though who pities PWD and I hate it. She is very involved though with the elderly, like older than her and she does know disabled people but when she talks about it, it is always lined with pity.

[SouthernCalGal]

Amee, why don't you go see The Upside with her? 

[pam]

Mar 6, 2019 20:35:18 GMT -5 Dani said:

I do realize that my mom is the type of person though who pities PWD and I hate it. She is very involved though with the elderly, like older than her and she does know disabled people but when she talks about it, it is always lined with pity.

My mother was the same way. She always talked about them with pity. She never knew about my feelings of devness and she would not have understood. Even if she was still around, I would not tell her.

[blueskye101]

My mom the same way. Anyone with a disability or even someone who is not all that attractive she will say something about and pity. As she had gotten older she will say it so they can hear. Its horrible. Was quite the thing being raised by her when I wad a pudgy, very average child. The weird thing is she is not a raving beauty herself. So odd.

[SouthernCalGal]

blueskye101 , growing up, my mom would always say things about “bigger” people-extremely judgemental. I grew up with crazy body issues. Then, when she got older she got Real Big! I couldn’t understand it and it really messed with my head because I couldn’t reconcile everything she told me when I was young and how it didn’t matter for her when she got older. Ugh! 

[blueskye101]

Mar 7, 2019 22:52:10 GMT -5 SouthernCalGal said:

blueskye101 , growing up, my mom would always say things about “bigger” people-extremely judgemental. I grew up with crazy body issues. Then, when she got older she got Real Big! I couldn’t understand it and it really messed with my head because I couldn’t reconcile everything she told me when I was young and how it didn’t matter for her when she got older. Ugh! 

Yea, that's a whole other issue that I could write a book about. She went through a period where she gained weight, then lost after being quite ill with heart issues. I would take her to Dr appts and she would actually go nanana to me and smirk when on scale and tell the Dr how thin she was now. All I can do is laugh now but definetely did a number on me when younger. I get it.

[bluefox]

Damn, while I'm happy for you all I quite envy how good you are with your families.

Rambling warning "

I left home in my early to mid teens for reasons I don't want to disclose too openly (privacy and such) and have since had a really bad relationship especially with my mother.
I've apparently shown devo tendencies really always and there's one thing I remember she said when I was about 6, still in the last months of kindergarten, I was drawing something that she interpreted as disability related (no idea what it was, nobody kept the more random scribbles ofc) and she commented on how I was drawing a half dead person. (And mind you, it can only have been blindness related at that age)
Apart from that being a truly horrible stance on the whole topic in general - and I think you'll all share that opinion - it sticks with me to this day and a few years ago, I didn't dare write or speak a word about disability and related topics - I still blush hard and try to paraphrase with non-devos today. It's still her opinion on disabled people so there is no way I could ever tell her. I can't talk to her about anything private actually, it weirds me out because it's weirded her out for ages.

End of rambling warning!
Excuse the endless medium whiny text, I just am glad to finally have a place to get it off my chest and wonder if anyone agrees with me that hers is just a horrible view to have... She's overall always had that view and I don't recall her ever shying from showing that.

You with your good family relationships are so lucky, you've no idea

Edit for something actually contributive to the original question: I read somewhere on here that some of you think that there's a fine line between fear and attraction - now maybe her always urging me to look away, be ashamed thinking about that, ... originates from her fearing it all because it's something to be kept so very secret, especially when she was my age? I just know she always happens to fall for the emotionally damaged/'troubled soul' type and it's something I've read and noticed to, mostly slightly, push dev buttons in some of us. So it might be she's escaped to that?