So... now back on topic (instead of gushing about my guy!
).
I have talked to a LOT of disabled guys and a LOT of devs in the early dating stages... and almost without exception there is a RUSH of OMG OMG OMG in the very beginning. It's super easy to get caught up FAST. After all, for most of us (guys and girls) we have hidden away emotional aspects of ourselves in just about every relationship we've ever had. Our insecurities, our fears, our hidden desires, etc. have not often seen the light of day. Finding someone with whom we can share these things without judgment (or seeming judgment) is such a relief, and such a huge part of initial attraction, it can sort of take over. So it can go from "Hi, my name is..." to "When are we going to meet?" to "I think I'm in love with you!" in a matter of weeks, if not days... and that is usually a big difference from AB relationships. However, all of that is not "real"... in the sense that no real relationship - EVER - develops that fast. You might "know" right away that this is someone you want in your life... but until you invest the time and energy and go through some real life stuff together, you don't really KNOW.
Most of the guys I've talked to in the beginning of their relationships (dis guys dating dev girls) are completely not open to my telling them to slow down. To not say "I love you" until they have met in person, until they have spent that necessary time together. Most dev girls are exactly the same way. And this is how it goes down, in a lot of cases:
They meet: Usually online. Usually a series of super long, super intense phone, text, messaging, Skype, sessions begin. Some combo of communication ensues that takes up a lot of time and emotional energy and nets a feeling of really getting to know someone.
They decide they "fit": After a few (and usually a VERY few) of these communications, one or both decide "This is IT". They decide to be "exclusive" and in one or both the decision that this is a real relationship is made. Sadly, it's usually the dev that feels this is a relationship, but not always. But once that decision is made, either consciously or not, the tone changes.
They "date": They are a couple. They announce their intentions here, or on facebook, or to their friends, etc. It's some sort of public or semi-public declaration of intent.
They set up an in-person meet: Now... this all happens usually in the first weeks, but the actual meet, due to distance and schedules, is often weeks or months away in the future. There is a great deal of excitement and anticipation. But this is where it gets interesting...
What often happens between the decision to meet in-person, and the actual meet is... the initial rush of OMG OMG OMG is over... and BAM. Reality sets in. All of a sudden, the overwhelming shock of emotional connection subsides, and they start to discover the normal, everyday stuff that make us all human. Sometimes, it's all good, and sometimes... it's not. When it works, when they really ARE compatible, there are a few bumps in the relationship and they figure them out and keep going forward.
What happens more often, because we ARE all human and the odds against finding that perfect mate in a few weeks are pretty high, is those things are smoothed over, swept under the rug, ignored, etc. Instead of acknowledging they've moved too fast (which they HAVE at this point, it's nearly inevitable) they each start to feel anxiety and resentment. They are questioning the relationship. Instead of hashing it out with the other person, they often turn these feelings inward and feed their own insecurities... and that's when the big misunderstandings start to occur.
Sometimes, the relationship explodes before the meet, and if there is money involved (tickets, hotels, etc.) that can get ugly. Sometimes, it only explodes after the meet. Because... hey... sex. Usually before the meet, when it's not gonna work, most people, if they were truly honest, would admit to their reservations. But instead most people say things like, "I want to see what happens"... and so they meet, usually have a great time, because... hey... sex. But sex doesn't solve all the issues, and so a lot of dev/dis relationships go sour pretty fast after the meet.
Even when things go great, that doesn’t mean it’s going to last. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve talked to where it goes something like:
Her: I REALLY like him!! He’s so smart, and attractive, and funny!! I think this is IT!! AND… he said he loves me!!
Him: I got caught up in it, and now I don’t know how to tell her it’s just not working out. OR: I don’t know, I think I’ve got too much going on right now. I just want to be friends for a while and see where it goes.
Her (a few days/weeks later): He’s avoiding me. Every time I sign on, he signs off. I’ve texted him three times today, and nothing. I don’t understand what’s going on.
Him: She’s so NEEDY. She’s CLINGY. She texted me three times today!! I can’t even sign on without her immediately messaging me!
Her (a few more days later): I think he’s dumping me. I mean, I haven’t heard from him in three days.
Him: I feel like she’s stalking me. I don’t know why she thought we were even dating.
So… yeah. That’s an exaggeration, obviously… but for many of us, it should sound pretty familiar. My point is, expect things to move fast, but try to remember that fast doesn’t mean GOOD. Many, many guys just say whatever comes to their minds, and that may include the “L” word. But don’t start picking out wedding dresses or naming your future children just yet.
It seems to me that a lot of devs, especially the devs that grew up hiding this part of themselves, never let the DEV part of them mature. Many devs I know, myself included, had the emotional DEV maturity of a horny 15 year old. Those first few crushes were just as excruciating as the ones I had in Jr. High. And the result was just about as horrifyingly bad. LOL
Add to that a pool of guys that, depending on a lot of factors, often admit to not having a lot of emotional maturity or dating experience. The result is… a lot of bad feelings and broken hearts.
Finally, expect to be disappointed. It’s life. The odds of finding the perfect wheeler are astronomical. We, as devs, are a very small segment of the population. Disabled guys are a less small, but still quite small segment. It’s just math. So don’t think just because you like a guy, he’s gonna be that into you in return… and conversely, don’t hang onto a guy who’s not right for you because he’s there.
There are exceptions, and there are quite a few success stories on this site… but be very wary as you venture out into the dev/dis dating arena. It’s not easy, and the differences between this and AB dating are vast. The PEOPLE are essentially the same, but the emotional volatility seems, at least to me, to be extreme.