|
|
Post by vegmama on Aug 24, 2014 21:51:33 GMT -5
The only advice I'd like to give you Greenbean, is that I think it's generally a bad idea to ask for relationship advice on an internet forum, where everyone will just answer based on their own ideals and project their own world onto you - and not, as it should be, based on who you are and who your partner is and who you are together. Additonally, from what I've seen, it's not a good idea to ask for relationship advice on PD if you're with an AB guy. I'm confused. The whole point of seeking advice is to get other people's opinion. And where better to get dev advice then from devs themselves? Yes, we are offering our advice based on our experiences...why is that a bad thing? If Greenbean can benefit from anything we say, that's a good thing. If not, at the very least she knows she's not alone in her struggle. And as far as asking for advice for relationship on here if you're with an AB guy...I can only say I have truly valued the posts I've read. You're not always going to like or agree with everything that's said, but it's still great to be able to share with each other. Maybe I'm missing something? |
|
|
|
Post by faith on Aug 24, 2014 23:50:52 GMT -5
Who else would be better to ask a dev question than other devs? And yes the answers will be from personal experience or our own perception, but isn't that the point?
|
|
greenbean
Full Member
That's not me, just a chick with a pigeon poopin on her head.
Posts: 219
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
|
Post by greenbean on Aug 25, 2014 0:53:54 GMT -5
Thanks for all the feedback! It’s always good to hear everyone’s opinion, and I felt like you guys were giving your personal experiences and advice very honestly which is important to me. In my opening post I asked specifically for personal responses because I know that’s usually what comes to mind when people ask questions anywhere on this board- what do we know better than where we have been, experientially and emotionally?
I have to say, you girls who say you needed a relationship with a PWD to be satisfied even after marrying an AB guy are just hitting the nail on the head… I don’t know how to say it, but I am indeed a long term kinda thinker and this is my worst fear. One of the main reasons I haven’t sought out this kind of a relationship is because of my completely consuming love for the outdoors and travel. I know para’s can do some stuff outdoors with adapted chairs, bikes, skis and such but a) I’m not really into para’s and b) the shit I do is pretty hardcore (sorry to toot my own horn) and the locations where I climb and backpack are completely inaccessible. And I’m gone literally every weekend that the weather isn’t shit. Sorry baby, I’m leaving for the weekend, have fun on your own?
Me and my guy had another talk about all this a little while ago, and I basically re-iterated what I had already said re: wanting sex outside our relationship. I also talked a bit about the shame and doubt that has been creeping back since I’ve been having these feelings. Another reason why this guy is so amazing and I really don’t want to lose him is his attitude towards my sexual attraction. He is completely fine with it (although I feel he sees it more as a fetish then an all-encompassing sexual orientation). He just thinks people have a lot of stuff going on sexually and my stuff is just one of the minority stuffs but that doesn’t make it weird or bad or whatever. It makes me feel incredibly emotionally safe with him. He did get a bit upset because this time I didn’t shy away from how important this was to me, and he pretty much said that if he did give me permission to go and do it he would really deep down not like it. He said that he was so afraid of losing me though. That really made me sad. I don’t know if it would be kinder to him to breakup right now, but I just really don’t want to. I love him so much and I want to make it work so bad. But what if I’m making a huge mistake. Gahhhh. Part of me wants to go to relationship counselling with him but part of me is afraid that I’ll divulge everything and then he won’t want to be with me.
|
|
|
|
Post by faith on Aug 25, 2014 3:15:30 GMT -5
Greenbean... I think deep down you know your answer.
Is it hard to let go and move on? Yes.
Is it harder to let go and move on 5, 10 or 20 years from now? Probably 5, 10 or 20x harder.
And something that no one has really mentioned in this thread.... the dis guy.
Let's just say your guy now says he wants a relationship with you and loves you enough to let you have sex with a dis guy.
What about THAT guy? What about his feelings? What about his part in all of this?
What you're describing is not a one night stand or even friends with benefits.... it's a "I want you for sex only" relationship.
You can't give him your heart because it belongs to someone else.
You can't really be good friends with him because that goes beyond what you told your bf.
Maybe there are guys out there that would get involved with someone knowing it is about sex and sex only- but I think you made the pool of potentials even smaller by making it more than a one-night-stand but less than a relationship.
|
|
|
|
Post by kivic on Aug 25, 2014 13:52:15 GMT -5
Greenbean, I totally understand your reservations on dating a wheeler and not fitting your lifestyle. That stuff is really important too! I was not really an active, outdoorsy person when I met my husband (para), so that stuff didn't really impact our relationship much. However- things changed. I lost a bunch of weight, became more active, and now I love that stuff. Im no adreneline junkie, so I am probably not doing what you're describing! But I hike, and I run...and it does matter. And it does suck sometimes, to not be able to share those things with your partner. Most of us have to sacrifice something, I believe, regardless who you end up with. If you're a dev in a LTR with an AB, you do sacrifice some of your dev needs. And if you are a dev in a LTR with a pwd, you will also have to sacrifice something. I've sacrificed plenty to be with my pwd. Some sacrifices were easier than others. Others, I still struggle with. I sacrificed having children. And I don't know if I made the right decision, or if that was one sacrifice too great. So it's not a clear cut answer. And us devs that are happy with our wheelers- also struggle. Lifestyle is important. It may be more important to you than your sexual urges. If so, I think staying with your current partner makes more sense. Love this! We have not really discussed much as a group about what sacrifices we as devs make either in an AB relationship or a DA relationship, and this post, tc123, encompasses a lot of what we do and don't sacrifice being devs. I think as devs, we all struggle with the sexual needs that come along with being a dev, and sometimes these needs are strong and we allow them to lead us. Sometimes in directions we wouldn't normally go. We need a thread: How to be a happy, emotionally balanced dev  |
|
|
|
Post by Cake on Aug 25, 2014 17:38:16 GMT -5
@tc123, vegmama and faithI apologize if you took my comment as critique towards your posts in here. That's definitely not what I meant! I was just giving my take on it, which is that I personally find it problematic to ask the internet what to do, when you get a dozen different answers from people who are basically strangers. But I've realized that this probably is exactly what Greenbean wanted, and that's great if it helps, so... As for the AB thing: Yep, I do think many devs are biased there and will always give the following advice to a fellow dev in an AB relationship: "You are a dev. End this. Go find the wheeler of your dreams." Of course, in some cases this definitely is the best advice, like we've seen in Juno's thread. However, in my opinion, it's sometimes just so obvious that some devs here can't seem to wrap their head around the idea of wanting to be with an AB guy. And that's ok, I can't wrap my head around the idea of only, and ONLY wanting to be with a disabled guy either. But does that mean I will advise every dev to please please date AB guys the moment she's hitting a bump in the road? And in that matter... thank you @tc123 for this: This is the first post of this sort I've seen here in a long, long time. Yes, everyone makes sacrifices, no matter which path we choose. What we all have to figure out for ourselves is: Which sacrifices am I willing to make, and which am I absolutely not willing to make? Anyway, sorry again for rubbing you guys the wrong way. |
|
|
|
Post by Emma on Aug 25, 2014 23:32:17 GMT -5
Most of us have to sacrifice something, I believe, regardless who you end up with. If you're a dev in a LTR with an AB, you do sacrifice some of your dev needs. And if you are a dev in a LTR with a pwd, you will also have to sacrifice something. I've sacrificed plenty to be with my pwd. Some sacrifices were easier than others. Others, I still struggle with. I sacrificed having children. And I don't know if I made the right decision, or if that was one sacrifice too great. So it's not a clear cut answer. And us devs that are happy with our wheelers- also struggle. Um yes and yes!!!!!! There are two sides to everything. I've always been an active person and while me and my husband (DAK amputee) can do some active things together like skiing and wc basketball (yes, I did play with him weekly before we had kids) there are a lot things I have done on my own. I've been on two ski trips w/o him because I just like to ski more than he does. I also played women's ice hockey. There are a lot of women's specific things you can get into and its not weird that you are there w/o your guy. If I was dating an AB guy there are plenty of things I could have gotten into with him but then again I have dated AB guys who were not into anything active, so we did less than what I have done with my husband. If you really do serious backpacking every weekend and can't imagine your life w/o that then well you have to decide if a wheeler is right for you. But then again are there other outdoorsy things you and a wheeler could do together? There are lots of very accessible state parks. Would that just be lame in your mind, or a good substitute? |
|
greenbean
Full Member
That's not me, just a chick with a pigeon poopin on her head.
Posts: 219
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
|
Post by greenbean on Aug 26, 2014 2:27:46 GMT -5
Greenbean, I totally understand your reservations on dating a wheeler and not fitting your lifestyle. That stuff is really important too! I was not really an active, outdoorsy person when I met my husband (para), so that stuff didn't really impact our relationship much. However- things changed. I lost a bunch of weight, became more active, and now I love that stuff. Im no adreneline junkie, so I am probably not doing what you're describing! But I hike, and I run...and it does matter. And it does suck sometimes, to not be able to share those things with your partner. Most of us have to sacrifice something, I believe, regardless who you end up with. If you're a dev in a LTR with an AB, you do sacrifice some of your dev needs. And if you are a dev in a LTR with a pwd, you will also have to sacrifice something. I've sacrificed plenty to be with my pwd. Some sacrifices were easier than others. Others, I still struggle with. I sacrificed having children. And I don't know if I made the right decision, or if that was one sacrifice too great. So it's not a clear cut answer. And us devs that are happy with our wheelers- also struggle. Lifestyle is important. It may be more important to you than your sexual urges. If so, I think staying with your current partner makes more sense. Man, this is great. I guess I just have to figure out what I want most of all. Easier said, but I'm putting this post in my chest of things to remind myself when I stress about this issue. |
|
greenbean
Full Member
That's not me, just a chick with a pigeon poopin on her head.
Posts: 219
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
|
Post by greenbean on Aug 26, 2014 3:01:34 GMT -5
Most of us have to sacrifice something, I believe, regardless who you end up with. If you're a dev in a LTR with an AB, you do sacrifice some of your dev needs. And if you are a dev in a LTR with a pwd, you will also have to sacrifice something. I've sacrificed plenty to be with my pwd. Some sacrifices were easier than others. Others, I still struggle with. I sacrificed having children. And I don't know if I made the right decision, or if that was one sacrifice too great. So it's not a clear cut answer. And us devs that are happy with our wheelers- also struggle. Um yes and yes!!!!!! There are two sides to everything. I've always been an active person and while me and my husband (DAK amputee) can do some active things together like skiing and wc basketball (yes, I did play with him weekly before we had kids) there are a lot things I have done on my own. I've been on two ski trips w/o him because I just like to ski more than he does. I also played women's ice hockey. There are a lot of women's specific things you can get into and its not weird that you are there w/o your guy. If I was dating an AB guy there are plenty of things I could have gotten into with him but then again I have dated AB guys who were not into anything active, so we did less than what I have done with my husband. If you really do serious backpacking every weekend and can't imagine your life w/o that then well you have to decide if a wheeler is right for you. But then again are there other outdoorsy things you and a wheeler could do together? There are lots of very accessible state parks. Would that just be lame in your mind, or a good substitute? Yah, I think if I was ever going to have a relationship with a pwd it would have to be a guy who was very self assured and able to do his own thing. But I also know I would have to compromise and cut back or be more flexible... even if I think state parks are lame  |
|
lilyth
Junior Member
Posts: 74 
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
|
Post by lilyth on Oct 6, 2014 16:44:34 GMT -5
Greenbean - I'm a new member and can't send personal messages yet I guess. But I have experience with this scenario (it's a lot of details I don't want to put all over the board, haha). If you're still looking for personal anecdotes, message me.
|
|
