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Post by kivic on Aug 31, 2014 2:22:30 GMT -5
I've had this floating around my thoughts as of late since talk about the sacrifices made in relationships/marriage with a disabled partner. Since I am in a relationship with an able-bodied man, I often wonder what the difference in "sacrifices" are between us devs who are in AB relationships and those devs that are in DA relationships. I'm the curious type  I do feel, at times, that I make sacrifices in my devness to be with an AB, that is not to say that our relationship has less value because I am a dev, but that I feel that I have sacrificed part of my devness to be with him. I do feel he is a great fit for me and is a large part of my fantasy life and real life, so the sacrifices I have made seem minimal. I feel that my needs within the relationship outweigh my needs as a dev. For devs who are in relationships with disabled men, do you feel there is an inbalance in the amount of "work" done in the household? Do you feel that it is more your responsibility to "get things done?" Do you feel the sacrifices you make to be with a disabled man equal the emotional and physical connections you have with him and to your devness? Or that you have the main role of caregiver, care aid, mother, wife, significant other, handyman, carer of all things? Personally, being a strong-willed woman, I have certain resentments to gender-specific responsibilities within our home. I love to do it as the woman in the household, yet resent it in the same breath because I am the woman (it's an internal conflict I have;) ). *Also, devs who are within an AB relationship, do you feel you've sacrificed your devness to be with an AB? If so, how do you feel your devness has been sacrificed, and is it detrimental to your relationship? |
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Post by orchid on Aug 31, 2014 5:10:35 GMT -5
Good question, I am really looking forward to hearing from others who've been in long term relationships with PWD and have children. I've been in relationships with ABs and only now I'm with a PWD but it's only been six months. So not sure how relevant my answer would be. Ultimately it boils down to who makes a good partner for you. My AB boyfriends were not, and that was not just because of the dev bit. My PWD boyfriend is great and it is not just cause of the dev part. It is the whole package in both cases. Sexually and emotionally, I've never been better or happier than I am now. When we are together I do need to do most of the physical stuff, my bf is a quad, but so far this has come very naturally and I almost forget that I'm doing it. Will that change in the future? Probably, at some point I will become more tired of having to do some things but I think it will be physical exhaustion (also given a hectic and demanding working schedule) rather than not wanting to do it or being too bored to do it. How will this affect our relationship? I'm confident that it won't really. He does not like to ask me for too many things, he has PAs that can always step in. But for me helping with the those little things is one way of showing I care. Just like he takes care and thinks of me. Sometimes I do catch myself thinking, "oh but what if he was just a little bit more independent,wouldn't that be good". But it is just a passing thought and I completely forget about it the next second when he calls my name or makes me laugh. So I guess we will be alright as long as he keeps doing that I love him, he is my boyfriend and it comes with the territory. And in many ways that is it, there is nothing more to say or think. |
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Post by Ath on Sept 1, 2014 12:15:21 GMT -5
I feel sort of the same but I try to fight it. When I feel resentful I hate myself for it..... its soooo contradicting because as I said in another posts I do kind of think it's sexy when he needs my help.. but I'd rather help him dress than carry his damn beer bottles out lol. The most difficult part is when he suddenly can't do something that he was able to do two days earlier, then it's very easy for me to just say "Do it yourself" too quickly. But I get easily carried away with whatever is on my mind ( like a dev high) like cross stitching or gaming or whatever the flavor of the month is, and yeah I tend to forget and not notice things. He has to keep me in check or there is suddenly a big pile of laundry that needs to be done  He handles the economy. When he isn't too tired he cooks our meals. He cleans the toilet (!!!) he also do most shopping when he isn't too tired. (We order base food online once / month) I do the vacuuming, floors, dusting, laundry, washing up, pet care, bed, general tidying up (it's usually my mess) and take the trash out etc. I enjoy when he keeps me company when I clean even if he doesn't do anything physically.... But what he is to me still outweighs these things. (We don't have children) |
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Post by kivic on Sept 1, 2014 12:27:02 GMT -5
Thank you, ladies, for responding. It's probably not the easiest question to answer as it sheds light on some of the more negative aspects of a dev-dis relationship, but these are issues that are common in any relationship between a man and a woman. This I love, orchid: Yes, @tc123, pretty sure ours are keepers  I know in my relationship that I often think: "If I don't do it then it won't get done." |
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Post by kivic on Sept 1, 2014 13:06:08 GMT -5
But what he is to me still outweighs these things. The most important part |
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Post by Emma on Sept 1, 2014 18:42:32 GMT -5
So first of all, I have to totally agree with this kivic: "If I don't do it then it won't get done." I think that's a men vs. women thing. There are tons of things like thatbthat we deal with but honestly, very little of them are things he can't physically do.
As for the household things getting done, that don't fall in the above category (and again, there are lots of things like that, both big projects and little tidying up things) there aren't really any day to day things that he needs help with other than picking the baby up off the floor. Most of the extra stuff I do because I'm more physically able are things that need to be done once or occasionally. For example, we got new closet shelving the other day and I was the one to do most of the emptying out/refilling of closet junk. Moving to another house involved a lot of things only I could do. Fixing things high up (like TC said) come up occasionally (hanging pictures, fixing the garage door opener and replacing light bulbs). We do have house cleaners so the major cleaning is done by them which helps since before we hired them I did the majority of the cleaning since vacuuming and moping is tough in a chair. He did however also clean the toilets too Ath!
I'm ok doing the more physical or manly tasks. I lived on my own and owned property on my own before I met my husband so had to do those things then as well. I have no issue getting out tools and a ladder and gettings things taen care of as long as I kinda know what I'm doing.
Having kids is a whole other story. There are lots of random things that come up with young kids that are tricky because they depend on you for so much physically. My husband initially needed more help with things surrounding our kids but in time he figured out how to get them from room to room, get their diaper changed, bathe them, get them in and out of the crib, get them situated to have a bottle and all those daily things. Over time things got easier, but a lot of that has to do with the fact that my husband is very physically capable and independent. I'd think a husband who is a para who doesn't get on the floor easily or a quad (or other similar congenital disability) who has even more limitations would complicate things a lot more. I think it would be really tough to manage a kid or two before age 1-2 and even after that age it would be difficult with a more significant disability.
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Post by Emma on Sept 1, 2014 18:46:45 GMT -5
Oh, I forgot to answer the last question. I 100% think that the help I provide makes up for the benefits I get as a dev with him being disabled. I would not however agree with that statement if he were more disabled. I'm independent but also easily overwhelmed especially when it comes to the needs of my kids. I need a lot of help and would not be good as a single mom even if it was just the physical part that I was doing by myself.
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Post by devogirl on Sept 1, 2014 21:22:42 GMT -5
It would be nice to have a token AB hanging around for those times. Hire someone! Seriously, housework will make you crazy if you let it, and that goes for any partner, PWD or AB, or even just roommates. My husband is awesome about housework, but even so there are times when he doesn't do it like I would, or doesn't notice things I think are important. You have to just let it go. But it's also made a huge difference in my life to hire people as much as possible. He thought it was an insult to his manhood when I hired a guy to mow the lawn in the summer and shovel the driveway in the winter, after all, he was physically capable of doing it himself, but it was totally worth it to have someone else do it. If you can at all afford it, getting someone to help can really reduce your stress. |
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Post by kivic on Sept 1, 2014 23:27:28 GMT -5
I've had this floating around my thoughts as of late since talk about the sacrifices made in relationships/marriage with a disabled partner. Since I am in a relationship with an able-bodied man, I often wonder what the difference in "sacrifices" are between us devs who are in AB relationships and those devs that are in DA relationships. I'm the curious type I do feel, at times, that I make sacrifices in my devness to be with an AB, that is not to say that our relationship has less value because I am a dev, but that I feel that I have sacrificed part of my devness to be with him. I do feel he is a great fit for me and is a large part of my fantasy life and real life, so the sacrifices I have made seem minimal. I feel that my needs within the relationship outweigh my needs as a dev. For devs who are in relationships with disabled men, do you feel there is an inbalance in the amount of "work" done in the household? Do you feel that it is more your responsibility to "get things done?" Do you feel the sacrifices you make to be with a disabled man equal the emotional and physical connections you have with him and to your devness? Or that you have the main role of caregiver, care aid, mother, wife, significant other, handyman, carer of all things? Personally, being a strong-willed woman, I have certain resentments to gender-specific responsibilities within our home. I love to do it as the woman in the household, yet resent it in the same breath because I am the woman (it's an internal conflict I have;) ). *Also, devs who are within an AB relationship, do you feel you've sacrificed your devness to be with an AB? If so, how do you feel your devness has been sacrificed, and is it detrimental to your relationship? We do have house cleaners so the major cleaning is done by them which helps since before we hired them I did the majority of the cleaning since vacuuming and moping is tough in a chair. He did clean the toilets too Ath! Emma, do you think has alleviated some of the stress/burden on you and allows you to assist with things that would normally take away from these everyday tasks? Is this something that you guys pay for? It would be nice to have a token AB hanging around for those times. Hire someone! Seriously, housework will make you crazy if you let it, and that goes for any partner, PWD or AB, or even just roommates. My husband is awesome about housework, but even so there are times when he doesn't do it like I would, or doesn't notice things I think are important. You have to just let it go. But it's also made a huge difference in my life to hire people as much as possible. He thought it was an insult to his manhood when I hired a guy to mow the lawn in the summer and shovel the driveway in the winter, after all, he was physically capable of doing it himself, but it was totally worth it to have someone else do it. If you can at all afford it, getting someone to help can really reduce your stress. I usually say to my guy in times of stress, "I can do everything, but I can't always do everything well." I *think* I can do it all but sometimes I need help too. |
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Post by Emma on Sept 2, 2014 0:11:52 GMT -5
It would be nice to have a token AB hanging around for those times. Hire someone! Seriously, housework will make you crazy if you let it, and that goes for any partner, PWD or AB, or even just roommates. My husband is awesome about housework, but even so there are times when he doesn't do it like I would, or doesn't notice things I think are important. You have to just let it go. But it's also made a huge difference in my life to hire people as much as possible. He thought it was an insult to his manhood when I hired a guy to mow the lawn in the summer and shovel the driveway in the winter, after all, he was physically capable of doing it himself, but it was totally worth it to have someone else do it. If you can at all afford it, getting someone to help can really reduce your stress. I got the same advice at a talk at a work conference for professional women. Agreed. |
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Post by Emma on Sept 2, 2014 0:18:39 GMT -5
Emma, do you think has alleviated some of the stress/burden on you and allows you to assist with things that would normally take away from these everyday tasks? Is this something that you guys pay for? Ok I think I understand you...... You are asking if having someone to clean the house has allowed me extra time to help my husband with things around the house. Yes but I'm not sure those things are disability related. I sometimes just think they are related to the fact that my husband is male and not as on top of everything in the way I am. Does that make sense? Really 95% of your household fights aren't disability related. It's stuff like: "the dishes have been in the sink for 3 days, its not my turn again to do them is it"?! And yes, we pay a housecleaning service (as well as yard service), it's not something covered by his military or disability benefits but those payments help us have money available for it. |
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Post by kivic on Sept 2, 2014 17:19:09 GMT -5
All of that said, I do burn out on chores and the heavier lifting. I DO get resentful when I know he CAN do something, he just doesn't (I agree it's a GUY thing!!!) Alf also has a serious chronic illness that requires lots of rest and other accommodations, and when he doesn't feel well, or it's something he just can't reach (light bulbs, high spiders, smoke detectors...)I don't only not mind doing stuff for him, I LIKE being able to help him. I LIKE doing little things for him when he doesn't feel good. I don't think it's built-up resentment for the other stuff I do, but rather I think it is just a thing that partners go through. When he's had a long, hard day, I don't mind following him around, gathering his clothes and just in general doing all the little things I can to make his night easier. Likewise, he does the same for me. But when I have had a hard day, and he's off in another world working on an article or presentation and leaves stuff along the way... look out! As for sacrifices... I have made more than a few. I gave up a lot to be with Alf. That story is here and there around this place so I won't go into details now, but I know what it is like to leave everyone and everything you know and love for an unknowable future. Thankfully, nothing bad lasts forever, and we are in a pretty good place now. Except for the living on, and going back and forth between, two different continents thing... but in a few years, after our youngest graduates High School, that may also be a thing of the past. Day to day, there are little sacrifices, too. *Needing a ramp instead of leaving visible the gorgeous granite slab that is our front step. *Carrying in the heavy groceries. *Having a less than pristine vehicle due to the inevitable scrapes and scuffs that occur when he or I move the chair in and out. *Having to be tidier than I am inclined to be. (Not a BAD thing... but... not in my nature... lol). *Getting rid of my bed risers and subsequently losing the storage under said bed. *Dirty floors. No amount of cleaning can compete with the daily dirt, mud, rocks, grass, etc. that comes in on wheels... *More laundry. The above-mentioned wheels also create havoc with pants and jackets. *Hand controls!! Only a problem when I am already late leaving and decided I am driving... LOL (Admittedly... it is much worse the other way around...) I am reaching now... honestly there are not that many daily things. I have gained so much more in return. For one thing, Alf is a much healthier eater than I am, so I am now far healthier than I was a few years ago. For another, our homes are BOTH tidier as a result of each of us not wanting to to leave TOO many messes for the other to clean up. And of course, there is the amazing relationship we have and continue to build. I hope to soon have some paid help here in the states. It is a goal I am working VERY hard toward. Even just a once a month top-down cleaning would be SO welcome. But other than that, I really think I have the better end of this dev/dis bargain. It sounds like a good balance in your relationship and household, and especially when you and your husband seem to be a good match for each other. I know I get burned out with all that is happening in our lives, I just wonder how it is for devs with a disabled partner. I suppose you just make it work and take the good with the bad and make the most of it, as you do with any relationship. This I like best: "I don't only not mind doing stuff for him, I LIKE being able to help him. I LIKE doing little things for him when he doesn't feel good." |
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Post by Emma on Sept 2, 2014 22:51:59 GMT -5
Good question, I am really looking forward to hearing from others who've been in long term relationships with PWD and have children. Did my answer help you out? Did you have specific questions or concerns about having a disabled partner and having children? |
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Post by orchid on Sept 4, 2014 15:30:19 GMT -5
Good question, I am really looking forward to hearing from others who've been in long term relationships with PWD and have children. Did my answer help you out? Did you have specific questions or concerns about having a disabled partner and having children? Hi Emma! Thanks indeed I did not have any specific questions or concerns, simply interested in hearing others' views since this is an area I really have no clue about. We are a long way from even considering children but a girl's mind will always wonder |
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littlesparkle
New Member
I love a man on wheels...
Posts: 48 
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by littlesparkle on Oct 10, 2014 6:39:26 GMT -5
My ex-bf was a c5/6 quad, while he was very independent, he still needed help with some things, like showering, getting dressed and getting in and out of bed. But once he was up in his chair, he didn't need much help. We were together for 5yrs, lived together for 3yrs, it never felt like a chore or an imbalance. When we first started dating, he had carers come in the morning to help him. Once we decided to move in together, it became natural for me to help him with those things. For one it was a lot easier and quicker than having someone else come in every day, it also gave us more privacy and it was teamwork, he taught me a lot of things. It was a big learning curve for me but it felt normal, I never had any second thoughts. Aside from this our lives were like any other couples, he worked full-time and so did I. Some things needed a bit more planning, like traveling for instance but that was part of our relationship and it worked. If we needed help to fix something in the house, we'd just ask his brother or a friend to help.
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