tina
Junior Member
Posts: 94
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by tina on Nov 6, 2014 16:07:24 GMT -5
I don't really have an answer to most of your questions, but what you describe about him being cruel to you when he gets mad or tired should be a gigantic red flag. You have only been together for about a year and he is already cruel and verbally abusive?! If you ask me, things will only go downhill from here if he already gives you shit like that during the honeymoon phase with everyone on their "best behavoir". Someone who really is compassionate will still be a good guy even when tired or mad. And definately never cruel. Please do not introduce your kids to someone like that.. And no, I don`t think the sex is worth it.
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Post by eva on Nov 6, 2014 18:41:19 GMT -5
I agree with Tina, WP. He's obviously abusive and this has a tremendous impact on kids. I grew up with parents who argued (or worse) until the end, when my father died. From what my mother said, great sex was what cemented the relationship. Good for them but it was hell for us kids. Some relationships last forever for the wrong reasons. This is a lose-lose situation where everyone is unhappy. Have you ever read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood?
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Post by Emma on Nov 6, 2014 23:30:13 GMT -5
You bring up some good questions. The whole sex vs compatibility is a big one. I think its impossible to truly answer it and being a dev with a disabled guy of your dreams definitely makes it even harder to answer. I'm not there and don't know either of you but it seems like you are fighting a lot about some pretty big things. Do you both have kids and disagree about ways to parent? That will be tough every day for 18+ years. That's huge! Also, it sounds like he can treat you pretty badly when you are fighting. No relationship is perfect and its all about deciding what you need and what you are okay making compromises about. I think the biggest thing you need to keep in mind is that there are other guys out there, really there are. There may be another perfect para out there for you as well. Don't stay with him just because of the sex and your attraction to him. I think you know that is a bad idea.
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Post by devogirl on Nov 7, 2014 9:52:05 GMT -5
End it now! I really feel for you, because I was in a similar situation. For two years in my late 20s, I dated a quad who was completely, totally wrong for me. He was a miserable person, and he made me miserable too. But I loved him! There were moments when I felt so close to him. Also I had introduced him to everyone I knew and I was terrified that I would never meet another PWD again, or if I did that everyone would know that I'm a dev.
I hung on for 2 miserable years until he dumped me, but in retrospect, it's the only one of my many bad relationships that I really, truly regret. I wasted so much time on a dead-end relationship, and allowed my self-esteem to be totally destroyed. He kept saying "You only like me because I'm disabled" and to prove him wrong I had to stay with him. Don't do it! Don't fall into that trap!
It DOES matter that you feel the relationship is driven by lust. It's like being in a trance. Once you meet someone else who satisfies your physical and emotional needs, you will realize how terrible that previous relationship was. You shouldn't be hanging on with white knuckles every day, or submitting to psychological abuse. It is not always like that with a DA guy. It IS always like that with an asshole.
Just be brave and tell yourself there is ALWAYS someone else. ALWAYS! I promise.
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Post by hanabanana on Nov 7, 2014 13:55:21 GMT -5
If possible, could you maybe explain what he does when he's mad or tired? What causes the breakups? You haven't explicitly said what he is doing is verbally abusive, so I'm hesitant to actually give any advise without knowing more about his side of the story as well. Also, don't jump to conclusions that finding a nice AB guy is any easier than finding a nice DA guy.
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tina
Junior Member
Posts: 94
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by tina on Nov 7, 2014 15:04:56 GMT -5
Okay, that makes the advise easy. Leave. Get the hell away from this guy. It is unacceptable that he treats you like this, but the worst is, your kid will hear at least some of it even if you try to keep the fights away from her. It is your duty as a parent to protect your child from whitnessing abusive behavoir (it doesn`t matter that it`s "only" verbal abuse).
And I am so sorry that you have been treated like this. I feel for you.
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Post by eva on Nov 7, 2014 16:46:17 GMT -5
Mmmm... I think he's abusive to you and it's very, very difficult, if not impossible, to change that. Been there, done that. I left. But I just want to say one thing, WP : I can understand that it may be unbearable to you, but he's a father and everyone has their own way when it comes to bringing kids up. It looks like he really loves his kid so, as long as he isn't abusive to her, what's the problem ? I think children mainly need to be loved. Sometimes we as mothers have a very clear idea of how kids should be educated, and one reflex is imposing our way to the father. But their way (unless it's harmful, of course) is as valuable as ours. And kids need both. Another thing : why don't you read Ivy's beautiful story? I think it's enlightening. I'll try to find it for you.
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Post by eva on Nov 7, 2014 16:50:16 GMT -5
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Post by devogirl on Nov 8, 2014 6:12:26 GMT -5
Sister, please! I'm sorry to be harsh, but it sounds like you are saying "Well, he doesn't hit me that hard and besides I do kind of deserve it." Yes, I realize it's "only" yelling and not hitting, but it's still abuse and you DON'T deserve it. There might be a very tiny chance he could change his behavior and stop doing that, but only if you have a long talk specifically about that and he seems to get what he did wrong and wants to make a change of his own volition, not just because you demand it. But sadly, it's much more likely that he will revert to yelling whenever he is feeling stressed.
And for heaven's sake, don't stay with him out of fear: fear that there is no one better, and fear of what others will say when you start dating another wheeler. Fear is never the basis of a healthy relationship. I did both things myself, wasted almost all of my 20s and 30s doing just that. Eventually I learned 1. there is always someone else and 2. who cares what other people think. Yes, some of my friends made the connection when I kept dating DA guys, but nobody judged me for it, at worst I got some good-natured teasing.
You asked: "Should we expect everything going as smoothly as is would with a AB" YES YES YES YES
"or is okay to sacrifice something to be with a wheeler?" of course you sacrifice some physical things, but you should never settle on the emotional stuff. Yes, PWDs in general have a lot of emotional baggage but there are guys who have their shit together. Just because you haven't met him yet doesn't mean he doesn't exist.
This guy is TOXIC and you need to stop having sex with him. All you will get out of a second go-round is more heartache, and further delay finding someone better.
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Post by AlrightyAphrodite on Nov 8, 2014 8:51:39 GMT -5
This is a tough topic because I totally see what DG and Lu are saying. At the same time I have been been where you are, in some variant, and it's a very powerful pull you're feeling towards him. It's not rational, honestly, so we can give you lots of rational advice but until you resolve what you feel for him nothing will likely change.
The one thing I can say is my first relationship with "the para of my dreams" was not healthy. He wasn't abusive by any means but I tried way longer, worked way harder than I should have. But I totally know that feeling you talk about... And the sex is like literally a double whammy, looking back now, I literally couldn't see straight. Objectively, from here, the sex wasn't really that great, but at the time, because it was my first physical encounter as a dev, it was so intense. Colors were brighter. And because you're a girl, the way your circuits are wired, that feels like it means that you're supposed to be together, that he feels like "home", like what you've been looking for.
I guess over time I've discovered that how I respond to my physical relationship with a disabled guy is not necessarily a predictor of how much we should be in a relationship together. That isn't to say that a hot guy in a chair doesn't make me all giddy and ridiculous. As Lu said, eventually the heady feeling will wear off and then you'll have to live with this guy. And I have been with assholes, I have never been with a guy who takes his anger out on me. I don't mind an argument but he's never been mean or vindictive. I would have been long gone by now.
I can't say anything about dating with kids other than, live and let live with someone else's child is one thing, but if you're going to parent together you need some common ground. Also, your daughter will watch this (is watching this) and she will use this as a blueprint for how a man should treat her. Is it OK for him to talk to your child like that? Why is it different for you?
Finally, like DG said, it's something of a leap of faith but there is always something better coming. You have to believe that and in my case it has always been true, but the longer you grasp for what isn't meant for you, the longer your delay finding what is.
I would highly recommend that you take at least 30 days from this guy with no contact and clear your head.
Good luck.
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Post by Maurine on Nov 8, 2014 14:46:46 GMT -5
This doesn't seem to have long-term potential unless you're into the on/off/on again type of relationship. I'm afraid that it wont ever change. I doubt he'll change, neither would I want my partner to change his personality for me. Sure, my boyfriend and I influence each other a lot, but we don't become another person. I want a guy who is likeable just the way he is. I also think that I was always too eager to do what he asked, so he didn't have to sacrifice anything for me. Now when I'm not so sure about him anymore and I'm questioning how much I like him and how much I just like all the physical stuff - he can't be sure about me anymore either, so maybe now he realizes that he needs to work as well if he wants to keep me. He can't just assume that I'll do what he wants and still stay there. I think he really did take me for granted and never thought I would leave. And that's also why he was able to say all those bad things to me. Do you really want him to be nice to you only because he's afraid you might leave him otherwise? Banana, he gets verbally abusive. There are no limits to what he can say.. Nothing is good or good enough. If I stay - it is the wrong thing to do. If I leave, it's no better. He can yell at me that he will never again want to see me vacuuming cause it was too painful to watch and it was obviously something I didn't want to do and then the next fight he will yell at me because I never vacuum! He doesn't ask help because he wants to be independent and because I know he can do (almost) everything I don't offer help if he doesn't ask. Then he will yell at me how I never help him (well, I do a lot of things for him that are super hard for him to do, and I consider that helping..) and how I don't accept his disability. (He doesn't know I'm a dev...) He tells me every time we fight, how I'm so bad mother that he feels sorry for my kid. How I'm tyrant and I don't respect anyone and how I should never have another child cause I'm the lousiest mom in this world and I've traumatized my kid for life. That kind of stuff.. The way people within a close relationship talk to each other can be very brusque and harsh during fights - those closest to me and I say rude things to each other when we're mad, but at the same time we know we don't mean what we're saying - but your case doesn't sound like this kind of madness to me. What did you mean when you said you're not the nicest person yourself? Do you talk to him like that, too? If he does this just because of a disagreement, he must be very weak or at least incapable of engaging in an adult conversation in which someone disagrees with him. Does he say these things because he wants to hurt you or is he just out of control? Even if it's the latter, I wouldn't like to be with someone with a character flaw like that. Okay, so he treats me like shit from time to time. But let's face it: I'm not the nicest of people. I think that if he ever learns to respect the boundaries what he is allowed to say he wouldn't be such a bad guy. And what I've seen, he's trying. Sure, he also is a asshole when he's mad and he's too self centered some of the time, and he does play the disability card from time to time which I totally dislike. But the Ivy's story made me think that how big part do I play in it? What if he really feels I can't accept his disability because no one else never had, why would I be any different? What if he really does feel bad about his disability in our relationship? The one thing I've never had any problems with. I'm not trying to defend him. I'm glad you all have told me what you think and I myself have been wondering those same things. You are the only ones who can understand my situation and all that comes with it But if we leave my ex out of this for a minute: then what mount is it okay to be flexible when you date a wheeler? And what is just guy being an asshole? Should we expect everything going as smoothly as is would with a AB or is okay to sacrifice something to be with a wheeler? And I'm not talking about stop going to the places they can't go, I'm talking about taking SOME amount of shit? I'm sure no one will cry if her wheeler wont go wall climbing with her, but is it okay if the girl does all the traveling or has to deal with all the self esteem issues caused by the disability? Is it okay to settle for less to get something you really want - the hot guy in a sexy chair? At least for me it's a lot easier to be in a relationship with a wheeler than it is to be with a AB. All my previous relationships has ended because I just can't respect the guy or forgive them. And OMG, it has never been this easy to respect someone or forgive him than what it is with my ex. And I've tried to date another wheeler before, so it's not wheelers generally. But it is him, and it is because of his disability. It is so much easier to respect someone for example washing his car from a chair not asking any help than respect an AB guy washing his car. I don't know why. And I think respecting him daily makes it easy to forgive too, cause you see how much effort he puts on things. You shouldn't take his disability as an excuse if he treats you badly. There are disabled guys out there who are self-confident and never play the disability card. I used to believe it could be cute if a guy had self-confidence or emotional issues because of his disability, but now that I'm with a wheeler who isn't like that at all, I couldn't imagine to be with someone who is. Playing the disability card is even more unattractive to me. If I were disabled and someone spared my feelings and had lower expectations in me because of it, I wouldn't feel taken seriously. I want a guy who doesn't ask to be spared because of his disability.
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Post by Maurine on Nov 9, 2014 7:29:13 GMT -5
I just want some input about how much is okay to take and what is just too much. And is it wrong to expect little less because you get already so much just by watching him and having him? And how bad is it, if you know you are with him partly because of his disability cause the truth is you can't really separate it from him. Let's put it this way: there is something in him that makes me want to be with him DA or AB. It's just that if being AB I would expect more and I would not take all this shit. So should I just expect the same now and make him work more than I do to be even (the reality is that it's harder for him visit me than I visit him and so on..) or do I just understand some but make sure that he also treats me well from this day forward? And if not - then leave him instantly. Cause I've had enough of shit already. I don't think there's a universal truth of how much is okay to take. In general, I don't like to tell people what they should or should not do. I think you have to figure out on your own if this is worth it. Am I right assuming your problem is that there are very few men you'd consider spending your life with and he is one of them and also has such a sexy disability, so you're afraid there's nobody better out there? Have you met or dated other wheelers? You can't know them all. Does he have to live in your area? I believe you that beyond his mean verbal attacks he can be a likeable person. Humans aren't black and white after all. These verbal attacks would be a deal breaker to me, though. I don't know how likely he is to change his behaviour. From what my friends have been telling me about their relationship issues, the same problems usually keep coming up again and again. It doesn't have to be like that in your case, but I would also consider that he can't take back what he's already said. If it was a one-time outburst in a really difficult situation and if he apologised afterwards, I'd be more understanding, but he seems to do this on a regular basis and ruthlessly so. You say yourself that you wouldn't take this from an AB. I would never make a difference between AB and DA there. When it comes to physical things, I obviously don't expect the same things as I would from an AB. I don't think both partners have to do the same things in a relationship, but they should put equal effort in it. Of course it's impossible to compare how much effort people take or how much they sacrifice. However, in some cases the imbalance becomes too big. If he does nothing to support your relationship, takes everything for granted and does nothing in range of his mental and physical abilities to help with the household, planning or work, whereas you are in charge of all of it, and instead of appreciating it he complains about it and on top of this severely insults you, you're far from equally commited to each other.
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Post by didi on Nov 9, 2014 14:13:29 GMT -5
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whisperingpines
Junior Member
Posts: 84
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by whisperingpines on Nov 9, 2014 14:59:05 GMT -5
Wow. That was a lot to consider. And I will. And I truly value all your opinions even if I don't agree with all of them right now. I think this is a long process to find what's best for me and what I deserve and I'm really glad you are all so honest to tell me what you think. It helps me to be more honest with myself. Especially I need to consider this: " It is intense, and all-consuming, and thrilling, and exciting, and fills you with tingles and warm feelingsā¦. But it is NOT love. Love is safe, comforting and healing." Cause with him it is intense, all-consuming, thrilling, exciting and it fills me with so many feelings. Like affection and proud. I guess that's why it's so hard to see that it might be bad for me.
So - Thanks. To you all. I'm sure I'll read these over and over again.
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Post by eva on Nov 9, 2014 15:45:04 GMT -5
Wow, WP. This is a huge red flag.
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