jetguy
Junior Member
Posts: 51
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Post by jetguy on Nov 26, 2014 18:11:22 GMT -5
Hi all not sure posting in this thread is the right one but advice needed lived along time with my partner ( para) who passed away 3 years ago . I've been on this site posting and have chatted to some great guys anyway met up with a few guys usual met travelling with work (airline) so you meet alot of wheeler in airports. Sorry im rambling anyway been seeing a guy for a few dates whos a para or so it seems turns out last night he tells me hes a pretender I had suspicions living for years with my partner. Trouble is he wants me to act like he is a para its a bit much for me to take in I guess what im trying to say is do you think pretenders should be open from the first instance or carry on the pretence. Im not exclusively dating disabled guys im turned on by strong arms and very strong athletic guys wheelers or non wheelers. HELP im feeling confused and a little used to be honest as I was open from the outset. Thoughts?
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Post by luvonwheelz on Nov 26, 2014 18:34:16 GMT -5
Do I think he should have been honest, absolutely. I know that just meeting a person and going on a few dates does not mean that you are going to fall in love and live happily ever after, but he's already laid the foundation of dishonesty if there ever, in fact, does become a full fledged relationship. How can you learn to love and trust someone who lies from the get go?
With that being said, you have to make the decision on whether or not you want to proceed any further. After having had, and lost a partner who was a para, can you emotionally handle being with someone who , in my opinion, is doing something just to get his rocks off. For me, it would be hard to be with someone who can truly live a "normal" life, but chooses not to when the person that I once cared for so deeply couldn't, but that's just me.
Good luck, and follow your heart. I know that we, as gay men, like to act like we are heartless and dead inside, but we also know that that is not necessarily the truth. Only you can truly decide what to do in the situation. Can you look past the pretenderness and develop feelings for the human that this guy is, or does the fact that he lies about his physical status just too much to overlook?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2014 18:35:11 GMT -5
He lied. He should have been honest. I would move on if a girl I was dating lied from the get go.
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Post by Emma on Nov 26, 2014 18:37:29 GMT -5
I fucking hate fakes. It totally sucks that he lied to you and I don't think its too much to ask people to be honest. I think its totally inappropriate to meet someone in person and lie to them. I don't understand why he thought that was okay and think its completely unreasonable of him to ask you to pretend along with him. Some devs are okay with it but I would never date a pretender because to me its like dating an AB guy.
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jetguy
Junior Member
Posts: 51
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Post by jetguy on Nov 26, 2014 18:56:33 GMT -5
Emma, James, luvonwheels, Thankyou for the words of sanity. I thought it was just me, what was/is really difficult is that I was honest from the start. Living and loving someone with an sci for years its not really about the walking/rolling other issues are much much more important but he thinks its just a case of sitting in a chair and off we go! I think your right to start off in a dishonest way only leads to confusion and unhappiness.I feel really used tonight and slightly stupid! flying to the states with work tomorrow so will put space between us. Oh and Happy Thanksgiving for tomorrow if your stateside. Tony.
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Post by lucretia on Nov 26, 2014 21:45:15 GMT -5
Pretenders... HATE HATE HATE them. Have I mentioned I hate pretenders?? Blah!
I have been faked out by fakers a few times, so my advice is just put him on endless IGNORE.
If he couldn't respect you enough to be honest, he doesn't deserve one second more of your time.
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jetguy
Junior Member
Posts: 51
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Post by jetguy on Nov 27, 2014 7:22:50 GMT -5
MR.BB no I didn't meet him here everybody has been very kind here.Lucretia its a horrible feeling being deceived and so I chatted to him last night and explained how I feel and told him the next guy he meets he should be honest from the start,thankyou for your advice.I don't get (and im not a judgemental person) but why you would pretend to have an sci its not a lifestyle choice, and at times over the years I would get very frustrated with things more in access to places than specific issues relevant to my partner you grow learn and adapt together. Writing all this has made me realise I still miss him terribly . Thanks guys for the support though x
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Post by RollAlongSlowly on Nov 27, 2014 7:46:59 GMT -5
Pretending to have an SCI? Wow.... just wow
I'm sure I could arrange for him to acquire a real one if hes that interested in them!!!
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jetguy
Junior Member
Posts: 51
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Post by jetguy on Nov 27, 2014 14:52:28 GMT -5
Rollalongslowly :-) that made me smile lets leave him to his own fate I think. Inkdevil, thankyou im trying to be the better person you guys are a great.
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Post by JW on Nov 27, 2014 17:21:27 GMT -5
Rollalongslowly :-) that made me smile lets leave him to his own fate I think. Inkdevil, thankyou im trying to be the better person you guys are a great. It's nice of you to be the better person in this situation, but this guy should have never used you or taken advantage of your emotions. That is exactly what he did. If he wants to go off and live in his own fantasy world, that is up to him and his conscience. But to include another person in it without their knowlege is just wrong.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2014 18:56:50 GMT -5
As horrible as it is that he didn't tell you from the start I also think it is a BIG deal for a pretender to open up about their situation because of course they are scared of total rejection and it is a very difficult issue. I know there is not much love for pretenders here but I always try to see it from the other side too... Would it have made a difference if he would have told you from the get go? Would you have considered the relationship in another way or right away not at all? Would you have heard him out and discussed all of it? The problem is that you have been in a relationship with a disabled man who you lost and I guess the question is if you are maybe not open for a new relationship yet at all, no matter who it is...pretender or really disabled
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jetguy
Junior Member
Posts: 51
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Post by jetguy on Nov 27, 2014 19:24:18 GMT -5
Hi Dani, That's the flip side of the coin I guess. If he told me from the off he was a pretender would I have dated him the answer would have been no . I would have been polite but it's something so far from anything I have ever experienced I dont know how a non wheeler can image even how it could possibly feel to have an sci I think an outsider only sees the chair it was way down on Tims list walking it was more about bladder control sexual function phantom pain spasms how could a pretender ever understand the dynamics and day to day life. I understand what your trying to say and im a live and let live type of guy im open to a relationship but it can't be based on a deception its left me feeling that I probably wont date again for a while.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2014 21:32:01 GMT -5
To play devil's advocate, is it then wrong if a dev dates a wheeler and isn't immediately forthcoming about their preference? I don't take sides on this in any way, but I find it interesting that some devs wouldn't dare tell a disabled love interest they are devs, yet they expect complete openness from a pretender. All I'm saying is, before you hang someone out to dry, make sure your own laundry is clean. Apples and oranges. This dude lied about being disabled to jetguy. He lied about a very fundamental part of his life. If a dev dates a dis dude and doesn't admit they're a dev right away there's no lie; they're still into the dude and they're not lying about finding them attractive.
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Nov 27, 2014 21:48:43 GMT -5
Jetguy already said he was up front with this dude from the beginning.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2014 23:50:49 GMT -5
Yes, open on the board here, but how many times has a dev had a long term relationship with a PWD and not told them they're devs? No one likes to be lied to, dev, wheeler, AB, anyone. How is that lying?
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