Physical VS. Personality.... The age old question

[Deleted]

This question was lifted from a recent conversation and I'd love to hear your thoughts.

I've been putting increasing effort into finding someone. Obviously a dev would be my first choice, but I don't see that happening out here in the real world. On paper, I think I make a great boyfriend- I'm a youthful 36, full head of hair, all my teeth, well groomed without being metro-sexual, intelligent, well-spoken, full-time professional job and my own vehicle. I'm romantic, affectionate, funny, generous and an all around decent man. But in the non-dev world, it seems that I can't compete even with lazy, unemployed, barely literate AB guys. It's frustrating but I understand it. I want to know how much weight do you give personality and life traits as opposed to the purely physical?

As an example that pertains to you devs, specifically, let's say your dev preference is for blind guys but you meet a really great quad (here or IRL). What then? Would all of his other positive attributes be enough to sway you or would you view it as settling?

Before anyone asks, no, this is not a real situation that I find myself in. I'm curious. Besides, what guy would pass up free inside information from a diverse group of women that have no motives other than the truth? Pure gold.

[Deleted]

All I can say my husband was never the guy I saw in my dreams (...and back then I didn't know yet that the guy I saw in my dreams actually sat in a wheelchair...:-)...), in the end his personality really hit the spot for me after dating really good looking dudes who only used me...

[Deleted]

....oh and by the way money wasn't a factor either...we were both poor... . and been broke my whole life...

[greeneyedvillan]

Dec 9, 2014 18:19:21 GMT -5 @mrniceguy said:

it seems that I can't compete even with lazy, unemployed, barely literate AB guys. It's frustrating but I understand it.

this happens to me as well and personally I DONT understand it. lol. great topic tho..

[LaMara]

This is a tricky question. To me, looks alone would be ok if I wanted an adventure, a one-night stand, but for a relationship to work of course that's not enough. I have in my head a picture of the man of my dreams, but even if I met him, I'd have to spend enough time with him to be sure there are a brain, a sense of humor and a good heart included in the package.

And yet, if I met a guy that was funny and kind etc etc, but physically not my type, I confess probably I'd never give him a chance, romantically speaking, because the sex drive would be missing.
The two things need to be in balance, somehow...

and that's probably why I'll end up single forever

[sweetequine]

Personality, life traits, and physical attractiveness all carry equal weight with me. If anything personality may carry more weight. If you can make me laugh and feel special you will become more attractive (to me). Of course, there has to be the initial "wow, he's good looking" but beyond that there has to be more. I don't care how physically attractive you are- if I can't have an intelligent conversation and have fun with someone then it won't work. I was married to a very handsome AB man who had zero personality, no sense of humor, and wasn't affectionate. Notice I used "was". In the end he wasn't even physically attractive to me anymore.
So, the answer to your question is no, I would not consider that settling but that's just me. As the saying goes, pretty is as pretty does ;-)

[Deleted]

Dec 9, 2014 18:59:19 GMT -5 @braced4impact said:

Mr.NiceGuy, perhaps your name is your setback. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Girls like the bad-boy image ya know, lol.

I know but I am who I am.

It's weird because although the basic philosophies and morals that I display here are accurate, I'm a MUCH different guy in real life.

[Deleted]

I was thinking the same thing a while ago, when guys are too nice lots of times they stay in the "friend zone" I think....

Dec 9, 2014 18:59:19 GMT -5 @braced4impact said:

Mr.NiceGuy, perhaps your name is your setback. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Girls like the bad-boy image ya know, lol.

[Maurine]

Dec 9, 2014 18:37:58 GMT -5 greeneyedvillan said:

Dec 9, 2014 18:19:21 GMT -5 @mrniceguy said:

it seems that I can't compete even with lazy, unemployed, barely literate AB guys. It's frustrating but I understand it.

this happens to me as well and personally I DONT understand it. lol. great topic tho..

Yeah, but do you really want to be with the kind of women that such men attract? I know that doesn't help you find a partner, but you would like your potential partner to appreciate your personality/intellect/..., right? I think people like MNG described above generally find a partner more easily than ambitious, intelligent people, because the latter tend to overthink everything and look for many specific traits in a partner. I know lots of AB guys who are smart and incredibly kind and sweet and they have hardly ever success with women, while the biggest assholes never seem to be single.

[Mets]

Only 18 so obviously not the most experienced but I think that question varies TREMENDOUSLY from one person to another. I don't think there are many people who would date somebody that they feel is unattractive, but I think that everyone has a different idea of what attractive is, and thus everyone is attractive to somebody. I also think the longer you know someone, the less their physical appearance matters. You start being attracted to their personality, and can become attracted physically because of it.

[AlrightyAphrodite]

For me, physical attraction is necessary but not sufficient. I continue to struggle with this topic, there's totally a guy in my life who is really nice but who I'm just not attracted to. It's past the point of just neutral, he really doesn't put any effort into his appearance at all so it's actively a turn off. Despite my mother's frequent protestations (why don't you like the nice guys) I just can't get there.


Part of the trouble is, hot guys (you know who you are) don't have to be as nice, because you'll put up with more shit from a guy you're really attracted to than a guy who you're kinda in the middle about. I do think it's not so much about conventional attractiveness as it is about whatever lights your particular fire. I have totally been with guys who aren't conventionally hot but who really did it for me, I have a soft spot for the scrawny, bookish type (talk nerdy to me). I also think that if there's at least a little spark in the beginning that can grow over time, with constancy. But if there isn't anything there, in my experience, it won't suddenly appear.

The argument I always hear is that attractiveness always fades over time. True to a point, our dance group got hired to perform at a 50th anniversary, and 70 years does make a great equalizer. That said, I'd like to think I'll have many years of having sex with Mr. Lucky before our golden years, and I'd like to not have to grin and bear it in the meantime.

Long story short, it definitely matters, but I continue to hope that you don't have to choose looks or personality, and that you, too, MNG, will find the total package.

Then again, I'm kinda famous for unreasonable expectations.

[bakingbella]

For me, personality and just "getting along" has only gone before the psychical attraction, however, I still needs there needs to be some. Everyone thinks like this whether they want to admit it or not. Being human, we are all psychical beings; we were made that way. So no matter how fantastic a girl might think you are, she still is going to need to feel that psychical attraction, and I'm assuming (almost certain) that you want that too. Don't you worry, Mr.Niceguy, she's out there. Unlike what others have said, I believe nice guys finish second. After all the girls have dated the hot assholes who have hurt them, they eventually get fed up and go for the nice guy.

[lucretia]

Dec 9, 2014 20:12:43 GMT -5 AlrightyAphrodite said:

For me, physical attraction is necessary but not sufficient. I continue to struggle with this topic, there's totally a guy in my life who is really nice but who I'm just not attracted to. It's past the point of just neutral, he really doesn't put any effort into his appearance at all so it's actively a turn off. Despite my mother's frequent protestations (why don't you like the nice guys) I just can't get there.


Part of the trouble is, hot guys (you know who you are) don't have to be as nice, because you'll put up with more shit from a guy you're really attracted to than a guy who you're kinda in the middle about. I do think it's not so much about conventional attractiveness as it is about whatever lights your particular fire. I have totally been with guys who aren't conventionally hot but who really did it for me, I have a soft spot for the scrawny, bookish type (talk nerdy to me). I also think that if there's at least a little spark in the beginning that can grow over time, with constancy. But if there isn't anything there, in my experience, it won't suddenly appear.

The argument I always hear is that attractiveness always fades over time. True to a point, our dance group got hired to perform at a 50th anniversary, and 70 years does make a great equalizer. That said, I'd like to think I'll have many years of having sex with Mr. Lucky before our golden years, and I'd like to not have to grin and bear it in the meantime.

Long story short, it definitely matters, but I continue to hope that you don't have to choose looks or personality, and that you, too, MNG, will find the total package.

Then again, I'm kinda famous for unreasonable expectations.

SOOOOO much like!!!

I hear over and over again how looks don't matter.


LOOKS MATTER!!!!


But the good news is... we all like different looks.

I think my husband is sexy as hell. I mean... his ARMS, tho...

But I also have had devs tell me they don't think he's all that attractive. *shrug*

One guy on here used to get a lot of traction with the ladies... until he revealed his personality... and I never got what the big deal was. He's just not attractive in any way that I define attractive.

So... to each their own.

But... in order for a relationship to bloom and grow, there must be some spark of attraction from the beginning, in my humble opinion. Not everyone agrees with me, and that's fine. But when I was dating, if there was no chemistry up front, then I just didn't pursue it. Plenty of fish in the sea, even hot, disabled fish.

But no matter how much I was attracted initially, if the guy wasn't ALSO loaded with the personality I like... then the thing died quick, too.

I was picky. I AM picky. I am also a bitch. But I am a happily married bitch, and if it can happen to me, it can happen to you! LOL

So, I guess I haven't said anything earth shattering here, but what gets repeated ALL THE TIME: BEEEE YOURSELF. If you're not traditionally good looking, at least be clean, for God's sake. If you don't have a sparkling wit, at least don't try to be something you are not.

Someone is out there.

[greeneyedvillan]

Dec 9, 2014 20:23:14 GMT -5 bakingbella said:

, I believe nice guys finish second.

if you ain't first, you're last...

[AlrightyAphrodite]

Dec 9, 2014 20:26:13 GMT -5 lucretia said:

Dec 9, 2014 20:12:43 GMT -5 AlrightyAphrodite said:

For me, physical attraction is necessary but not sufficient. I continue to struggle with this topic, there's totally a guy in my life who is really nice but who I'm just not attracted to. It's past the point of just neutral, he really doesn't put any effort into his appearance at all so it's actively a turn off. Despite my mother's frequent protestations (why don't you like the nice guys) I just can't get there.


Part of the trouble is, hot guys (you know who you are) don't have to be as nice, because you'll put up with more shit from a guy you're really attracted to than a guy who you're kinda in the middle about. I do think it's not so much about conventional attractiveness as it is about whatever lights your particular fire. I have totally been with guys who aren't conventionally hot but who really did it for me, I have a soft spot for the scrawny, bookish type (talk nerdy to me). I also think that if there's at least a little spark in the beginning that can grow over time, with constancy. But if there isn't anything there, in my experience, it won't suddenly appear.

The argument I always hear is that attractiveness always fades over time. True to a point, our dance group got hired to perform at a 50th anniversary, and 70 years does make a great equalizer. That said, I'd like to think I'll have many years of having sex with Mr. Lucky before our golden years, and I'd like to not have to grin and bear it in the meantime.

Long story short, it definitely matters, but I continue to hope that you don't have to choose looks or personality, and that you, too, MNG, will find the total package.

Then again, I'm kinda famous for unreasonable expectations.

Plenty of fish in the sea, even hot disabled fish.

I was picky. I AM picky. I am also a bitch. But I am a happily married bitch, and if it can happen to me, it can happen to you! LOL

Someone is out there.

Oh, Lucretia, from one picky bitch to another... I want to believe!!

Meanwhile if you'll excuse me I have an upcoming menage a trois... With Ben and Jerry.

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