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Post by kivic on Jan 26, 2015 23:00:54 GMT -5
Before I joined PD, I was very close to telling my spouse about my devness. I had approached it a few times, but couldn't quite work up the nerve to tell him. Once I started participating on the boards and reaching out to fellow devs, my devness didn't feel so foreign and obscure. I just did it one night telling him. There's been highs and lows and a lot of in between, but on the whole, I think it's the best thing I could have done for myself and, ultimately, our relationship.
It's certainly taken a lot of the fear away from hiding my devness, it's given me a healthy outlet to express my devness. I can actually talk about it with him and not have him react negatively. He's seen a few of my devfriends. He's okay with me flying to meet them. I truly believe it has brought us closer.
I'm interested to know if anyone else has divulged their devness to their spouse, boyfriend, lover, etc. either able-bodied or disabled? Was it as bad as you were expecting? better? worse? How do you think it has affected your relationship? Was it a catalyst for anything?
For devs where their partner already knew beforehand of your devness, do you feel it has influenced your relationship? the dynamic between partners? better? worse?
If you could do it all over, would you decide not to tell?
ALSO, devs who choose not to tell, do you feel you've benefited from not divulging or would you find benefit IN divulging?
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Post by Maurine on Jan 27, 2015 5:38:06 GMT -5
Does a turn-on become stronger if you're the only one who knows how much you're turned on? Maybe. This one of the reasons why I hesitated telling anyone about my devness at all - I was afraid that my devness would go away.
Having met my bf at a dating site where I had my devness in my profile, he knew from the beginning. I'm not sure if I could have hidden my devness from him. He's good at observing what turns me on and would have noticed a pattern.
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Post by kivic on Jan 27, 2015 9:45:48 GMT -5
At first, I wondered the same thing that by keeping it to myself, it would remain in its intensity, but have found its just as intense as before divulging. I think what changed it just after divulging was the emotional strain and not my devness; figuring out where to go in our relationship after divulging.
It is like an onion with many layers of understanding.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2015 13:11:33 GMT -5
As a kid/teenager/young adult, I kind of kept my devness hidden. I think it's mostly that until I hit about 16 or 17, I didn't even know the word. I just thought I must be pretty strange. I never had a problem with it, myself, but I always thought other people would.
I told my mother first. She laughed and told me she knew. I told my best friend. The next day, he saw a hot guy on crutches and pointed him out to me. For the most part, I've found that the people that matter either already suspect, or don't think much of it.
There have, of course, been times that I've told people and gotten rotten reactions. Like the AB guy I was dating. He pretty much told me I was weird and he could never "be into someone like that." I was SO offended. Incensed and offended.
Lately, though, I've decided that I'm a few days away from 30, and I don't have the time or energy to hide who I am. I've told quite a few people in the past few days, for certain reasons, and it's felt really, really good, even if they don't understand.
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Post by Clair deLune on Jan 27, 2015 14:24:03 GMT -5
I have not told my (AB) partner about being a dev, but I am fairly certain he has at least some idea. There was a time in our relationship when he became extremely paranoid about what I was doing all the time on my computer and would badger me relentlessly about it, often in front of other people and to my extreme embarrassment. I would usually respond "leave me alone, I am looking at porn," especially if he had friends over or something, because I figured that was a good explanation as to why I didn't want to share what I was looking at. And it was sort of porn: dev-y fan fictions, youtube videos, disability forums, etc. But I know that eventually (or maybe all along) he looked through my computer, saw what I was writing, reading, and looking at, and must have put it all together. I was dead certain he'd figured it out when Avatar came out and I wasn't interested in seeing it because I'd never heard of it and it sounded corny to me (blue alien love story? no thank you!) and he insisted that I would like it and then patiently indulged me for the four more times I insisted we see it and also patiently sat through the DVD at home time after time after time, lol. What else could he possibly been so sure I would like about it? I hate movies with love stories and he knows that!
I nearly told him once when we were first together, because I was insisting that 1) everyone is a little weird when it comes to what turns them on and 2) there is someone out there for every single thing and I very well COULD have explained myself then, but I didn't, and I don't wish I would have. I'm sure that if I had, instead of us working out the physical and sexual part of our relationship the way we did, he would have said, forget this girl, she's only into stuff that I'm not, this is never going to work. Or at least that is my biggest fear about telling him.
However, I DID tell my childhood best friend. I'd never had a friend before and I really liked the feeling of telling her my secrets. It was a wonderful thing and I felt really good about telling her. Of course, this was like an eight-year-old's interpretation of what a dev is, so its not like she would've said "ew, you perv," but she truly was not at all phased. Like she didn't even understand why it was such a secret.
I also had a sort of FWB relationship with a PWD guy for a little while. I didn't tell him. The closest I came to telling him was saying stuff like, hey, relax, I like this. But I did not say a word about being a devotee or what it meant or what it meant to me and how it affected my life, and I'm glad I didn't. The very last thing I wanted was to make something that was supposed to just be about enjoying the moment into something about me spilling my deepest secrets. We were friends, but we weren't those kind of friends, at least on my end.
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Post by kivic on Jan 27, 2015 15:09:48 GMT -5
But, now that I've seen both sides, it is SO much better on this side. Yes, agreed! Even if it takes a while to iron out all the kinks, it's a pretty amazing feeling! |
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Post by lucretia on Jan 27, 2015 18:46:53 GMT -5
Ahahaha @clairedelune "leave me alone I'm looking at porn"! I use that one at work when one of the office numpties is trying to look at my screen (ahem, out of hours of course). They believe me, but have noooo idea what kind of porn it is :-) I use the porn comment all the time, regardless of what I'm doing.  |
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Post by eva on Jan 28, 2015 4:30:51 GMT -5
If my boyfriend was in a wc, I would definitely tell him.
But I really don't think I would reveal my secret to my AB bf. Because he couldn't understand it and because he couldn't do anything about it, which would probably just be frustrating for him. I don't think revealing my devness would make it less intense though, we do it on PD... There's also this part of me who thinks that if I told him and if ever, for some reason, he ended up in a wc, I couldn't help but link it to my revelation. Irrational, I know, but I believe weirder things have happened.
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Post by Clair deLune on Jan 28, 2015 8:54:38 GMT -5
Ahahaha @clairedelune "leave me alone I'm looking at porn"! I use that one at work when one of the office numpties is trying to look at my screen (ahem, out of hours of course). They believe me, but have noooo idea what kind of porn it is :-) Inkdevil, what kind of job do you do where you can look at porn in the office??? |
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tabby
Full Member
Hello PD
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Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by tabby on Jan 28, 2015 9:34:25 GMT -5
When i was with my AB husband i didn't know my devness was a thing, i used to fantasise about him not being able to move his legs but thought that was just me and not something i had to reveal. Then when i dated my pwd husbamd i told him pretty much off the bat as the deeper we were getting the more i felt guilty - i wanted him to have a choice what he thought about it and it was a great relief to him and made him more secure.
I still do hide the extent of my feelings and have sneaky youtube visits and watch devy films with a guilty glee but i suppose i am fooling myself if i think he doesn't know what i am doing.
One of the benifits is having a spotter. He will tape anything with a wheeler in it as he knows that i'll be interested and if we're in the car he'll say wheeler @ 4o'clock. Handy.
I do think regarding the intensity of feelings it doesn't get diluted as ultimately they done realise the depth of feeling and it is involunatry.
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Post by kivic on Jan 28, 2015 11:46:00 GMT -5
If my boyfriend was in a wc, I would definitely tell him. But I really don't think I would reveal my secret to my AB bf. Because he couldn't understand it and because he couldn't do anything about it, which would probably just be frustrating for him. I don't think revealing my devness would make it less intense though, we do it on PD... There's also this part of me who thinks that if I told him and if ever, for some reason, he ended up in a wc, I couldn't help but link it to my revelation. Irrational, I know, but I believe weirder things have happened. Do you think your opinion would change if your AB boyfriend became your AB husband? Considering you could potentially have a lifetime of togetherness, would that make a difference to keeping it a secret? |
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Post by eva on Jan 28, 2015 13:02:55 GMT -5
I don't think it would change, Kivic. I've had boyfriends and husbands (and boyfriends who became husbands) and never told them. Unless he would confide something similar (whatever that would be, but as intimate) to me, then I might do the same. I'm a firm believer that each of us has the right to a secret garden. I really like my devness and I wouldn't like him to take it the wrong way.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2015 17:15:45 GMT -5
I do not regret telling my husband a few years ago and even though it was not an easy thing and we had our shares of rough times through this in the end we came out in a stronger and better relationship because through it all he still loves me more than anyone. He has been the one holding me through moments of despair and doubt or in moments when I actually was scared to mess up our marriage he stood there like a rock confirming how much he loves me and he will try to do everything to make me feel o.k. Moments when he said, "I just have to make you love me again" and moments when he was scared he couldn't compete with the fantasies in my head. It has changed our marriage in more than one way but among all of it I realized how much I am loved by him with all my weird ways ( I am not only dev weird...  ) Sometimes I think about how another man would have maybe freaked out by his wife telling him all this stuff, but mine is so content with it and it has made our marriage better. Of course we are still dealing with it sometimes but as a whole we have found a great balance. I indulge in my dev stuff when I need it by being here, reading, watching stuff or writing (which has probably been my other savior in all of this). Our sex has also become better not only because of the dev stuff but other interests I discovered about myself through my journey.  Nowadays my husband holds my hand when I spot a nice looking wheeler somewhere and I seriously need that "holding on" in those moments to not go totally haywire. He tells me about stuff he sees that I may like pertaining to dev stuff, without any underlying trust issues he is always interested in my writing and what I do here. I feel confident telling him about my encounters or things that may be on my mind when it comes to dev stuff. He is the only one I can be myself without being judged or made feeling weird. From the start he has been willing to somehow figure out ways to satisfy my sexual fantasies but we have actually found other ways to have a good time without him pretending. Of course there are still a few little "secrets" in my head but everyone is entitled to those. Our marriage was put to the test upon my discovery but I can say I am proud we made it this far (23 years) and I hope it will only get better from here on out. My husband is my best friend, a loving father and the person that says, "I mean the world to him"....what else can I ask for...I do not regret telling him about my devness and even though I am not the same person I was when I met my husband he still stuck it out with me and I can't ask for anyone better...  |
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Post by tori on Feb 17, 2015 10:57:06 GMT -5
But, now that I've seen both sides, it is SO much better on this side. Yes, agreed! Even if it takes a while to iron out all the kinks, it's a pretty amazing feeling! I'd agree with both of you. I hid it for YEARS and I always felt shameful like I was hiding part of who I was to my AB husband. Because he knows me so well he knew I was always holding back something sexually but he couldn't figure out what it was. Finally one night after a bottle of wine my lips started moving and the words finally came out, he was like "That's it?" It's never been a big deal to him and actually he likes that I have a kinky side to me. He does whatever he can to play into it. |
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savannahgirl
Junior Member
Posts: 76 
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by savannahgirl on Feb 17, 2015 14:11:28 GMT -5
I was certainly of the opinion of keeping it from my husband and I did for the last 17 years. BUT he accidentally saw a chat I was having with a friend about it and my cover was blown.  We talked about it, I explained how I felt though I couldn't explain why I felt it. After we were through he said ok, everybody has something and then proceeded to tell me he has always found amputee's fascinating and would fantasize about it the same way I do wheelers. I was SHOCKED to say the least. I never knew and he never knew now we both know and really nothing changed. He's ok with me and I'm ok with him. It felt weird discussing it for the first few minutes but got easier, of course he is a very understanding guy. Honestly It would still be a secret if he hadn't seen the chat but I'm not regretful that its out.  |
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We talked about it, I explained how I felt though I couldn't explain why I felt it. After we were through he said ok, everybody has something and then proceeded to tell me he has always found amputee's fascinating and would fantasize about it the same way I do wheelers. I was SHOCKED to say the least. I never knew and he never knew now we both know and really nothing changed. He's ok with me and I'm ok with him. It felt weird discussing it for the first few minutes but got easier, of course he is a very understanding guy. Honestly It would still be a secret if he hadn't seen the chat but I'm not regretful that its out. 