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Post by eva on Jul 7, 2015 5:32:54 GMT -5
This is basically for devs who are in a relationship with an AB but the devs who now have the chance of being with a PWD can also think back and answer too, of course. What if your actual AB BF became a permanent WC user for whatever reason (SCI, amputee, etc.)? Do you think you would be as turned on as you are in your fantasies?
I’m asking this because, although I have always fantasized about my BFs being in a WC at the very beginning of our relationship (all of them) and I’m a hardcore dev, I know that it wouldn’t have worked for me with some of them after being together for a while. What do you think?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2015 10:37:59 GMT -5
Good question, eva! I've been on both sides of the fence (lucky me, lol). If my ex would have ended up a para, I really don't think things would have worked. Even removing the issues we had when we were together, I don't think he would have handled it very well, and it would have just made him even more unbearable to be around. I can't see him pushing any dev buttons for me - it just wouldn't fit, if that makes sense. On the flip side, if I'd met my current SO prior to his landing on wheels, I'd like to think that we'd have made it work just as well as we do now. He's got a totally different personality, of course. It's odd, I suppose, but I can look at him and I know that I'd have been just as turned on by him if he were AB. Of course, I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2015 12:59:23 GMT -5
I often thought about this..even before u ask it. I think it would have never been ok for me.
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Post by LaMara on Jul 7, 2015 13:35:23 GMT -5
I'm single now but I've dated a few AB guys and it always ended up quite badly because I wasn't emotionally involved enough. If one of them had ended up a PWD I think even if there might have been a slightly bigger physical attraction, other factors would've still made the relationship fail, mostly because of those guys maybe one had a decent personality (I used to have terrible tastes in men ) and then because being present while they went through the hardships of dealing with a newly acquired disability would've made me incredibly guilty for that part of me who actually preferred them that way. I don't think I could stand seeing someone I care for becoming a pwd and therefore more attractive to my eyes, I'd feel totally like shit, like a selfish sadistic bitch... it's much different, somehow simpler, to meet a guy who is already a pwd. Does it make any sense to any of you?
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Post by Maurine on Jul 7, 2015 14:40:49 GMT -5
On the one hand, I don't like the fact that I "missed out on" my bf's accident and first rehab and the first year afterwards and I kind of envy those who knew him then. These accident/rehab stories, that some detest, strongly push my dev buttons. I would have visited him in hospital at every available opportunity and would have supported him as much as possible. Shortly after his accident, he needed more hardware, like splints to hold eating utensils, and a seatbelt. As a big hardware dev, I would have loved to see this. While I like that he has made very significant progress since and doesn't need these things anymore, I would have loved to witness the regrowth of his physical capabilities. That process of (partial) recovery, regaining strength and abilities, is very high on my dev list. I still occassionally see him accomplishing things I didn't know he was capable of (like last weekend, when he slid across the sofa with no support but his arms, dragging his relatively heavy legs with him, which gave me a huge dev thrill), but I still feel like I missed the whole beginning of the story.
On the other hand, my devness might have been shut off, at least for a while. Maybe the severity of the situation, the unbearable pain he had to endure during the first months and the fact that he was lucky to survive would have distressed me too much. Seeing him suffering and being turned on by something closely related to his very suffering would have caused me to feel guilty. My worries and distress might have even shut down any other feelings.
It would have also depended on his attitude towards my devness then. I couldn't blame him for not being okay with my devness in this case. I once asked him what that'd've been like for him and he thought it was ideal to already be with a dev in that situation. While it's great that he didn't see anything wrong with that and it hopefully would have stopped my guilt, I think he didn't consider that despite my being a dev, the first months of his accident would have caused me lots of distress because I love him and seeing him in agony causes me pain as well. All in all, I still tend to think it would have worked out fine.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2015 19:05:12 GMT -5
Great question. I've always fantasised about my BFs being in a wheelchair at some point in the relationship. So, what if your actual AB BF became a permanent WC user for whatever reason.. I think I'd be fine with it, I hope I'd me more than fine with it ;-)
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Post by lisa on Jul 8, 2015 12:40:29 GMT -5
If my AB boyfriend became disabled, I would probably be turned on by him even more than I am now. (I had those fantasies about all my former AB boyfriends.) But I guess it wouldn't last, for various reasons.
#1 I experienced that being with a disabled bf is sometimes more demanding than I might be able to be okay with on a daily basis. Sure, this most certainly depends on the guy a lot, but you know. Potential to freak me out.
#2 Guilt. I would feel sooo guilty. Sure, it doesn't have to be my fault that he would end up in a wheelchair. But I'm almost sure that my esoteric side would kick in telling me that this only happened because I imagined him being disabled.
#3 Personal preference: I like congenital disabilities a lot more than those acquired later in life. So it probably wouldn't be my fantasy situation.
As a side note, great thread! Finally a topic with long answers in Devs Only again :-).
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lacey
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Post by lacey on Jul 9, 2015 13:27:34 GMT -5
I'm quite sure my relationships with AB's wouldn't have panned out had they become disabled. First, because I never was all that emotionally connected with any of them, second because the first several years of adjusting to disability just isn't easy. None of the relationships were strong enough to withstand what life changing injury's bring about both physically and psychologically.
Both of the men I've fallen in love with were long past the initial injury when I met them. They're well adjusted and comfortable with the new physical version of themselves, and therefore, have more to offer with far fewer hang ups.
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Post by orchid on Jul 9, 2015 15:02:04 GMT -5
I had a funny experience with my ex who was AB. We were visiting his grandparents and he sat and wheeled around in this hospital wheelchair that his grandmother used. I froze - or think I froze cause my heart started beating so hard. I was at once so turned on and at the same time so terrified to be seeing him in a wheelchair. I had never thought about it before. After that I would conjure up the image sometimes during sex. I feel very guilty about it though. Irrational I know, but I still feel this way.
Now, if he ended up in a wheelchair I think I would react like all the other gfs/spouses whose partner goes through something as life-changing as a spinal cord injury or other acquired disability. I think I would mourn his (our) loss and my dev tendencies would only reappear if he was ok with himself and willing to be open to that. Otherwise, if I had to hide the fact that I am attracted to his disability from him cause he would be against it or not come to terms with his disability, I would feel like a fraud and too guilty to continue the relationship. The reason my current relationship with my bf works is cause he enjoys the fact that i am a dev and wants to explore it.
In addition I would be feeling overwhelming guilt thinking that somehow i caused his injury like Lisa explains above.
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Post by Melina26 on Jul 9, 2015 17:19:38 GMT -5
On the one hand, I don't like the fact that I "missed out on" my bf's accident and first rehab and the first year afterwards and I kind of envy those who knew him then. These accident/rehab stories, that some detest, strongly push my dev buttons. I would have visited him in hospital at every available opportunity and would have supported him as much as possible. Shortly after his accident, he needed more hardware, like splints to hold eating utensils, and a seatbelt. As a big hardware dev, I would have loved to see this. While I like that he has made very significant progress since and doesn't need these things anymore, I would have loved to witness the regrowth of his physical capabilities. That process of (partial) recovery, regaining strength and abilities, is very high on my dev list. I still occassionally see him accomplishing things I didn't know he was capable of (like last weekend, when he slid across the sofa with no support but his arms, dragging his relatively heavy legs with him, which gave me a huge dev thrill), but I still feel like I missed the whole beginning of the story. On the other hand, my devness might have been shut off, at least for a while. Maybe the severity of the situation, the unbearable pain he had to endure during the first months and the fact that he was lucky to survive would have distressed me too much. Seeing him suffering and being turned on by something closely related to his very suffering would have caused me to feel guilty. My worries and distress might have even shut down any other feelings. It would have also depended on his attitude towards my devness then. I couldn't blame him for not being okay with my devness in this case. I once asked him what that'd've been like for him and he thought it was ideal to already be with a dev in that situation. While it's great that he didn't see anything wrong with that and it hopefully would have stopped my guilt, I think he didn't consider that despite my being a dev, the first months of his accident would have caused me lots of distress because I love him and seeing him in agony causes me pain as well. All in all, I still tend to think it would have worked out fine. I totally relate to this. I am solely attracted by acquired injury, SCI, not those since birth or genetic developing later in life. Accident/rehab stories sooo push my buttons too, and when I hear about the struggles of the aftermath of an accident I so feel like I wanted to have been there but missed out, and fantasize what it was like for all involved, his family, all the details...and also in a romantic way if my support and me wanting to still be with him could have made a difference in his state of mind and spirit, as we see that many gf end up breaking up cause they can't handle the disability. Every guy I have been with or had a crush on I fantasized about them having some sort of accident and acquiring a SCI. But I dont think any scenario would have worked out in reality. I would be turned on, of course, and not so guilty i guess...but this sort of trauma in between an existing couple has potential to break them, specially psychologically, even if one of them is a dev. Just seems like the fantasy doesn't have much room there. Meeting the guy after he became pwd just works better, we both know what our expectations are and what we are getting into. Our dreams include a pwd, and theirs include us, just the way we both are, its not like he was building up an idea of life with his gf and has that idea crushed by a turn of events or, us as devs, having hidden a desire the whole time unable to be true to ourselves and then our dreams come true but we are alone in our fantasy...he is not quite there with us. Dont see it working, or being as great at least.
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Post by alexa2010 on Jul 10, 2015 0:56:18 GMT -5
Im glad I didn't know my husband when he was injured. No way we would have made it through those days, I can almost guarantee it. Those were some dark days for him.
I really believe a person changes their perspective a lot after a significant acquired disability. I know there are some who will say that they didn't change a bit, and maybe it's possible. If so, Im not that interested. I want a man who has been shaped by it. Adapted and resumed life. To have his life turned upside down in a split second has to give someone a new perspective on life. How can it not?
I am like lacey, where I prefer someone who is already settled in with it for the most part. Not to say Im not drawn to a small bit of angst too. I am, and mainly because its something you can learn from each other, help each other through, etc. It strengthens our bond- I think.
So my what-if: If I were with an AB, I wouldn't want him to become disabled. Many relationships end after an SCI for a reason...
ETA- I also wanted to say that to me, this is where fantasy and reality are VERY far apart for me. I like way more angst and "struggle" in fantasy than I do IRL. Im usually very into dev-fiction that digs much deeper with this darker stuff.
In real life, noooo. I totally relate to this.
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Post by eva on Jul 10, 2015 2:10:44 GMT -5
Great answers. I can also relate to many. I like to think that I could handle the transition much better today that I am much more mature, so that wouldn't scare me, although I know it would be more about his ability to handle it, like tc123 said.
Orchid, Lacey, why don't you look at it another way ? What if life/God/fate brought you together because you would be able to handle the whole situation and be supportive like no other ? You can not alter someone's life because you have fantasies. I read that this is a kind of magical thinking that pertains to young children, who think they can wish someone to death for example (children are extreme) when they're mad at you. So let's say it unfortunately really happens for whatever reason, and that the person they "cursed" dies by accident that day, they will carry the guilt their whole life thinking they are responsible for what happened.
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lacey
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Post by lacey on Jul 10, 2015 6:34:38 GMT -5
"Orchid, Lacey, why don't you look at it another way ? What if life/God/fate brought you together because you would be able to handle the whole situation and be supportive like no other ?"
I get what you're saying in principle, the trouble is I wasn't in love with them in the first place. Their becoming disabled in someway would have made my desire to escape them worse than it already was because that emotional connection just didn't exist. I tried for years to be able to love non-disabled men, but no matter how much I liked them or could relate to them I couldn't fall in love with them. There is no way the relationships would have withstood the malstrom of emotional and psychological factors associated with becoming disabled.
When my disabled partner developed a terminal illness I was able to love and support him until the day he died...because I was utterly into him on every level. If something further were to happen to the man I love now, I know we would make it through because of the depth of the connection.
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Post by orchid on Jul 10, 2015 15:52:07 GMT -5
Great answers. I can also relate to many. I like to think that I could handle the transition much better today that I am much more mature, so that wouldn't scare me, although I know it would be more about his ability to handle it, like tc123 said. Orchid, Lacey, why don't you look at it another way ? What if life/God/fate brought you together because you would be able to handle the whole situation and be supportive like no other ? You can not alter someone's life because you have fantasies. I read that this is a kind of magical thinking that pertains to young children, who think they can wish someone to death for example (children are extreme) when they're mad at you. So let's say it unfortunately really happens for whatever reason, and that the person they "cursed" dies by accident that day, they will carry the guilt their whole life thinking they are responsible for what happened. Hey, I would like to think that I would be able to go through it. But I dont think this would have much to do with me being a dev. Like tc said, a lot of relationships end following a SCI or similar injury so you really need to be committed etc. I would like to think that putting the whole dev thing aside, I would want to be with the person and go through this with them and stay with them. I think in the long term this would only work if they were the right person for me. So like lacey said, if you are not with the right person it is more than likely that it will not end well. I know of many situations where the girlfriend dumped/broke up with the boyfriend following an injury, some right away, others stayed and it didnt work out. It is a tricky thing... It took my bf a few years to come to terms with his new reality. I would like to think that I would be able to go through this with him and be strong for him. Would I have really been up to it? Who knows.... On the one hand im happy i met him at a time when he has come to terms with his disability, on the other hand i feel horrible that he had to go through that alone (ie with no partner cause his family was there 100%) My reaction above regarding the guilt does not make logical sense, I know it I know I could never cause something like that, but from the theoretical standpoint through which I am analysing all this now it feels that I would feel very guilty. The mysteries of the female brain But coming back to whether I would find them sexier from a dev point of view or not, I still think it could only happen years post-injury when we are settled in our life, he is happy with himself and the trauma of the injury is behind us. Now that I think of it again, it seems to me that it would definitely take me time. I suppose I would have found them sexy pre-injury so not sure how much it would matter...?
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Post by tori on Jul 11, 2015 2:21:30 GMT -5
My AB husband has always teased me about something like this. Since he knows I'm a Dev I'm pretty sure id never hear the end of it....knowing his sense of humor the jokes and teasing would be endless...
In all seriousness though....
I don't do well with being a caretaker, so depending on type of injury first and foremost, (if it was one that pushed my Dev buttons), then followed by his ability to still live life to the fullest would depend on how I would feel. I think the biggest thing would be how he reacted post injury. I'm aware there would be a grieving process to it all, but if he was angry and bitter and difficult I would have a hard time being attracted to that.
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