marmar
New Member
Posts: 40
Gender: Trans
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by marmar on Jan 4, 2018 6:20:38 GMT -5
Ive read through this whole thread and shame seems to pop up a lot which is something I'm currently struggling with. I know when I indulge in my dev-ness i can sometimes get so into that I find myself thinking some ableist things which makes me feel awful. I do try to separate the disability from the person, but when it's just a video and I know nothing abt the person in their actual life, it can be hard. Ive never had an irl interaction with a PWD, so I honestly don't know how I would react. I'd assume since it's an actual encounter with a real, 3D person my ableist thoughts would not come to surface. I know I have a hard time with wondering if my dev-ness is directly ableist or not, since what is making me attracted to them IS their disability. This is especially bad for when I'm attracted to a woman with a disability bc I feel like a creepy perv.
Another concern is how very specific my dev-mess is. I'm only attracted to SCI people, specifically quads or higher injured paras. It's been like that since I was at least 11 though. Never amputees or blind/deaf, CP, or anything else. Im worried that I'll never be satisfied as I get older since dev stuff is the only way I can get off really. Anyway, sorry for the very much TMI word vomit đ This just seems like the safest place to sorta vent out these thoughts
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Post by shape on Jan 4, 2018 7:20:41 GMT -5
Well, I can say here is probably the best place to get the strength we all need to overcome guilt. I have and hope you both do, marmar and PretzelTwist. You've had a lot of good points in the previous answers. I can only add that I meet and am friends with some pwd. Some with my dev disability, some of the sex I'm not into... It's always different from fantasy to real life, because you are interacting with people. Pwd or ab, they're always people who are or might be just the opposite of what you feel in your fantasy. I don't like some of the pwd I interact with... I think it is all about not getting obsessed, and getting out of the comfort zone (that often becomes a jail). Meeting pwd irl will help. And if you find somebody irl with whom you feel comfortable enough to talk about it do it. None of my pwd irl friends know about my devness, only the ones I meet online. Only one friend, ab, knows a little about it, but he's a non judgmental person. For the rest, you just have to work on it, try to feel better about yourselves, and stay tuned! We'll always be here, and we all probably can relate to what you are feeling (I do), so we'll understand and maybe help.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2018 18:39:55 GMT -5
I have three very close friends, my besties, to whom one day I wrote a letter to about being a dev and explaining it. It was when they wondered why I had gone to Vegas without them and I had to come up with something or basically just tell them the truth. This was a small dev meet up in Vegas a few years back. Anyways, I wrote them a three page letter and sent it to them and then we talked about it and actually to my disappointment they didn't really care. They didn't fully understand it but they also didn't judge me. It was more of an Aha and Okay moment for them. We hardly ever talk about it anymore which is actually kind of sad for me. I would like to talk about it more but it never comes up and it's because they don't understand even though I have tried to explain and talk about it. They are just not wired that way so I don't hold it against them. They like their men with working penises and standing, climbing, running, or remodeling houses on two legs...period. For them it's just something they don't understand how I can like what I like. It's unfortunate but I have come to accept that and that is why I am always going to be hanging around here on PD, probably until I die
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Post by SouthernCalGal on Jan 5, 2018 0:49:27 GMT -5
I remember sharing with my best friend. We were sitting in my backyard - on our second bottle of wine. I remember being so nervous knowing I wanted to share my secret. I was so anxious but finally spilled it to her what I liked. She looked at me, laughed a little-said "really?" and proceeded to tell me she had a male friend in a chair. She said she didn't think it was "weird." Whew...she's never mentioned it again and neither have I.
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Post by bowlergrl0524 on Jan 5, 2018 17:40:43 GMT -5
So, I have an absolute love obsession with my dev fantasy. And I absolutely hate it. I was talking with HQ the other day about it, and we were kinda bringing up our fantasies and whatnot. And finally, after 2 1/2 years of being with my quad bf, I finally spilled what my fantasy is, because I am literally just so ashamed of it. And he turns around and tells me that we can go ahead with it. I was literally so over the moon excited. We will be together next weekend, and we get to play it out then. But the shame that I felt with it kept me from exploring it. Even though he obviously already knows that I'm a dev and that I'm a SCI dev. But I was still so afraid that he would think that it was weird. I was ashamed of it all.
You will overcome it. It is tough, but there is nothing to be ashamed of, especially here.
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Post by rebeckers84 on Jan 5, 2018 21:22:29 GMT -5
O man...I don't know where to start on addressing SO many points that have been brought up in this thread recently...it is probably going to become word vom (which seems to be the common theme of this thread and I love it) so I'm sorry in advance
PretzelTwist I feel you soooooo much you do not even know. No I don't want people suffering, no I'm not in it just to take care of someone, yes I want an actual connection with someone, yes there has to be some sort of physical attraction, I'm not just out there throwing myself at any guy in a wheelchair!
I'm on every online dating site imaginable. It's exhausting. But for whatever reason in the last like 3 months my being single is really starting to get to me. I have never been the type of person who has needed a guy on her arm at all times. I don't jump from relationship to relationship. I honestly haven't even had many relationships probably because I know deep down what is going to make me happiest is a relationship with a pwd and I'm just now starting to come to the realization that I want to make that happen. I go on dates with ab guys and I really do try to give it my all but I just don't have the same spark or excitement that I do when I go out with a pwd (you may remember one of my posts about meeting up for a date with a guy from online and how amazing of a day it was for me. BTW, he has since vanished, reappeared out of nowhere and then vanished again. I don't need that in my life so byeee)
I can't tell you how many different ways I have tried to scour the earth on dating sites for pwd's. Where are they?!?! They do not make it easy!! I think the only easy one is OK cupid where you can enter a search term of "wheelchair". O and get this....I got temporarily banned from match.com for trying to search things like wheelchair or paralyzed or paraplegic!!! Violates their terms & conditions of "not discriminating" or some BS like that. I'm sorry what!?!?! We can filter by religion or body type or hair color or whatever but I get banned for those searches...wow.
I've had several opportunities to start speaking with pwd's recently on online dating sites and I'm frustrated. If you don't go through all the questions "how did you get hurt" "can you have sex" "can you this" "can you that" then they're like ummm why aren't you asking questions. I've told a couple about being a dev and they've immediately disappeared. Are they freaked out, do they not understand, like what is the deal? I have messaged them again trying to find these things out so maybe I can learn a better way to approach the subject and no answer. So do you just go through the questions and the motions so they don't get "suspicious" but then I feel like I'm still totally hiding being a dev and how is that any way to start a relationship. Some of the guys I've talked to on here almost make it seem like they'd be relieved if they don't have to go through all that mumbo jumbo BS alllll the time. I think I'd get a little tired of answering the same questions with every message I got. Wouldn't you be excited that someone actually wants to talk about you and your likes/dislikes what we have in common and stuff like? There was another one I was having some decent conversation with after telling him but I kind of felt like I was always having to explain my devness to him. He was always asking so tell me again why it is you are attracted to pwds. I finally snapped one day and said explain to me why you like big boobs or brunettes?!?! Why does there have to be a reason? Can anyone ever REALLY explain why they have an attraction to something?
I want so badly to tell someone ANYone about my attraction. I know exactly the 2 maaaaybe 3 people I would tell too. Actually I was with one of them for late lunch/cocktails/happy hour not too long ago and as I was opening my mouth to start telling her in walks one of our mutual friends and is like heeeeey and she, not knowing that I really really REALLY needed some girl time invites him to sit down and have a drink with us......... I mean really?!? so of course in my mind I take that as "here's your sign rebecca" you shouldn't be telling her, or anyone! SouthernCalGal I would love nothing more than if I were to tell one of my girls and they had that response and I'd be like hook a sista up!! haha
Ok I think I'm done. I'm sorry again. I've actually started a post on most of these topics over the past couple weeks and just never followed through with actually posting but a couple of your posts here recently really made me want to be open & honest and express what's going on in my head cause I needed to get it out so thanks!! xoxo
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Post by Nia on Jan 17, 2018 7:54:10 GMT -5
rebeckers84 I am puzzled after reading about you being temporarily banned from the dating site!!! OMG I just hate the 21st century that's all I can say about this I feel for you so much. I really hope that a guy from your dreams will appear in no time and make you sparkle
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Post by Inkdevil on Jan 21, 2018 15:23:59 GMT -5
Only just read your post rebeckers84, so sorry for the slow response. One thing I have never struggled with in terms of online dating is finding PWDâs, even on ânormalâ dating sites. The one I was on most recently, which was a regular non-subscription site, allowed me to type in wheelchair/disabled/paraplegic/whatever in the search criteria without an issue. This only works if the person has declared their disability in their profile of course. Pet peeve: I hate when people just put âwheelchairâ down as their disability. There could be a billion and one different reasons why they use one and so begins the protracted conversation of âwhy...?â Iâm always open about being a dev in my profile too. I believe in upfront honesty about that. If a disabled guy doesnât like the concept now, he isnât going to thank me later for hiding the fact Iâm a dev from him. I need someone whoâs 100% relaxed about it, because itâs a big and integral part of me. With the right person, itâs an enhancement to a relationship, not detracting from it and I absolutely want to have that extra layer going on. I also have never had a problem (barring one guy, years ago), who has taken issue with the dev thing. I am patient, open and willing to answer any questions people have asked in the past. Even from non-disabled men. Disabled dating sites are obviously the easiest place to narrow down the search for a preferred disability, as the search function is there and again, you can openly describe yourself as a dev in the drop down list of words to describe yourself. Not that many do, I noticed. Most just opt for âpositive about disabledâ, which must be about the lamest description going, excuse the pun. The downside to any of these places are the hefty fees in the disabled-specific sites; the fake/inactive/pathetically piss poor profiles; the large percentage of utter knob jockeys who seem to frequent them looking to get laid and the severe lack of suitable men in our search perameters. But persistence is the key. Keep plugging away and be active on them and you will get a result. Please, please, please write a good profile with clear pictures. You are young, intelligent and good looking. You have a lot of things going for you and time is one of them. Try being over 40 and with young kids and looking! If I can find people, you can. Donât give up, or get despondent. It will happen... Edit: oh and find at least one person you can trust IRL to tell you are a dev. It makes all the difference. Saying it out loud puts things in perspective and you realise itâs probably not such a big deal after all to anyone else but you. It makes you feel like you can finally let go of that breath you were holding for a very long time.
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Post by kat on Jun 16, 2019 6:20:25 GMT -5
Resurrecting this super dead thread of mine... What do you guys think about apartment/house hunting as a dev? I'm trying to find a new place, and I'm not currently seeing anyone, but I still can't help but immediately notice accessibility issues whenever I go see a place. As an extreme example, I just found the cutest little apartment in a really nice area... then I went to check it out, and boom, no elevator, no ramp, nothing accessible in any way whatsoever. It feels a little silly to prematurely worry about these things, but it's not even a choice - even if I don't need it, it's like considering that stuff is ingrained in me now.
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Post by devogirl on Jun 16, 2019 7:09:10 GMT -5
This was definitely an issue for me. When I was single, I moved a lot and every time I had to wonder whether I going to look for an accessible apartment or not. Full wheelchair access was impossible to find my very low price range, also I prefer older buildings with âcharacterâ in big cities. I suppose if I was in a big apartment complex in the suburbs it would have been easier. Anyway I always compromised on a place that was marginally, barely accessible. A wheeler would not want to live there but at least I was able to get them in the door. I felt silly searching for a place that could accommodate a boyfriend I hadnât even met yet, but there were some places I turned down because it would have been impossible. But a sporty para can get up a few steps.
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Post by robbb on Jun 16, 2019 17:18:54 GMT -5
I didn't think of that while I was house hunting but soon after I moved into my 170 year old house up a track I soon realised no wheeler would make it in here.
R.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2019 18:43:02 GMT -5
When i moved to my current house, i had totally given up on the idea of finding a PWD that would be compatible with a relationship. My entire life it had just been a fantasy. However, the same month i moved in, i met my partner who is paraplegic. My home isnt perfect, but we can make it work. I had a ramp built to the door and the rest is reasonably accessible.
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Post by dolly on Jun 16, 2019 23:00:39 GMT -5
Accessibility is something I always considered when choosing a place to live. It limited my options, but I made sure that every apartment Iâve rented has been reasonably accessible. Turns out they never really needed to be. I travelled to meet a few guys in chairs and had one visit but stay elsewhere. Apart from a female friend who stayed with me occasionally, Iâve never had a wheeler visit.
Itâs odd timing that this topic appeared now. Just the other day I was realizing that at this stage in my life itâs not something I will consider a dealbreaker the next time I move.
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Post by Inkdevil on Jun 18, 2019 1:19:16 GMT -5
I wasnât dating anyone with a disability when I was house hunting, but I already had done and I intended to in the future. It was at the back of my mind when I was looking, but certainly not the deciding factor. I was just desperate to get out of the renting market and back on the property ladder again while I could still afford to.
Luckily, the second place I looked at and bought was a bungalow, so the inside of my place is all on one level. However, I am on a hill, semi-detached and the downside of the slope, so (now that Iâm dating my lovely hot wheeler) I have had to have a fairly major ramp constructed to get him in. I think I bought the most inaccessible bungalow on the street!
Worked out well in the end though and if I looked for another place in the future, access (or the potential to make a place accessible) would still be a checkpoint on my list. Whether Iâm with a PWD or not.
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Post by strawberrybubblegum on Jun 18, 2019 3:50:26 GMT -5
Ok, seems like Iâm the only one here who never took accessibility into consideration. My first two apartments had each a few stairs at the house entrance. I moved into the second one while dating my ex whoâs a quad, but it was the first I got and I didnât have much time to look for anything else. I thought it could work, but it was like 5 or 6 steps, so we always stayed at a hotel when he visited (which therefore wasnât often). Now on my last apartment hunt I was already dating my AB boyfriend and not considering ever dating anyone else ever again, so third floor was no issue whatsoever. Turns out now I am, but surprisingly I find myself very (only) interested in AB folk lately. We shall see. But if I ever date a wheeler again, shall the possibility present itself, we have a problem since this apartment is freakinâ perfect otherwise.
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