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Post by elbs on Feb 25, 2018 9:22:46 GMT -5
Inspired by the thread about devness in mothers & daughters of devs.
For those of you who have daughters (or sons) who show dev signs, how are you handling it? Or if you're not in that situation, what would you do if you were? What would you have liked your parents to do if they'd noticed signs of devness in you as a child?
I went through a pretender phase as a preteen. My Mom knew absolutely nothing about devs, and kinda acted embarrassed and made me feel ashamed of my fascination. I don't think that was her intent at all, but that's what resulted.
At the time, I didn't see the big deal - I remember getting into an argument with her about why I couldn't play with a wheelchair that was open for the public to use. She tried telling me that someone else might need it, to which I pointed out that there was half a dozen wheelchairs there and I was planning on using only one, and if the spares started to run low I could stop. Thinking back, though, I have no idea how I'd handle that situation as a parent. There's a lot more to that decision than I realized when I was 10.
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Post by missparkle on Feb 25, 2018 11:11:23 GMT -5
For those of you who have daughters (or sons) who show dev signs, how are you handling it? Or if you're not in that situation, what would you do if you were? I would beat the hell out of it, not to ever have similar thoughts again! LOL  I believe that I would (recognizing dev signs or not)“expose” it more to disability world. That way, I believe that curiosity would be fed, therefore maybe extreme interest in disability would not even develop. It would not be “the sweetest forbidden fruit” anymore, but something considered ordinary, “normal”. |
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Post by laur on Feb 25, 2018 12:03:29 GMT -5
As a kid, I also exhibited a ton of dev signs, but had no idea how to interpret what at the time seemed like an intense fascination with guys with broken legs or in wheelchairs. It's always crazy to me how it's been a part of me in so many ways forever. I think I did feel kind of odd about it for awhile, because I didn't understand it at all. As a young teen, Joan of Arcadia came on TV and I started to realize that attraction was sexual. Even though I had "the talk" with my parents and at school, nobody ever talked about anything like this, so it was a process that involved a LOT of self-discovery. I was lucky to find this site in my teens, which helped me define this major aspect of myself.
When I'm a mom someday, I think I'll be really perceptive to any dev traits as well. Honestly, whether or not my child seems to be a dev, I would be really thoughtful to teach them about how everyone is attracted to different people and different attributes and how awesome that is. If they exhibit dev signs, I'll relate that to more specific examples. When they were little, I think I'd just make it really normalized for them and encourage them to play with toys/write stories/make believe whatever way makes them happy. Whether my hypothetical daughter's dream prince charming idea is a guy in a wheelchair, a guy with tattoos, or even a princess charming doesn't matter with me. I'll support and love whoever my child loves as long as their partner treats them well and will support my child in pursuing whoever makes them the happiest.
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Post by SouthernCalGal on Feb 25, 2018 22:41:28 GMT -5
If you read other things that I have posted-I think my daughter has some DEV tendencies. I've asked if she'd ever go out with a disabled boy and she had said Yes. I've kept it at that. We've gone through closed captioning and she has wanted to take ASL in College (class doesn't count in her high school for college or else she would fluent  ). I support but not have fully disclosed. |
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Post by lucretia on Feb 26, 2018 4:59:39 GMT -5
My girls all exhibited "dev" signs, especially my youngest.
I was super open with them and let them explore. We talked about everything, including different kinds of disabilities and the realities PWD face.
We had crutches in the house, they "played" with public wheelchairs, etc.
One time we saw this guy at a table in front of a grocery store, selling stuff for veterans. My middle daughter was like, "That guy wasn't in the military, I think he's got spina bifida!".
I told her to go ask him, and she DID. He told her his brother was a vet, he was just helping out. It was a proud moment mom moment.
They also learned a lot by being with my husband.
They all seem to have just grown out of it, though, like most other phases kids go through. *shrug*
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Post by elbs on Mar 1, 2018 10:00:47 GMT -5
My girls all exhibited "dev" signs, especially my youngest. I was super open with them and let them explore. We talked about everything, including different kinds of disabilities and the realities PWD face. We had crutches in the house, they "played" with public wheelchairs, etc. One time we saw this guy at a table in front of a grocery store, selling stuff for veterans. My middle daughter was like, "That guy wasn't in the military, I think he's got spina bifida!". I told her to go ask him, and she DID. He told her his brother was a vet, he was just helping out. It was a proud moment mom moment. They also learned a lot by being with my husband. They all seem to have just grown out of it, though, like most other phases kids go through. *shrug* That's super cool. I wish my parents reacted like that. With me having joint hypermobility, recently I've started letting myself use the public wheelchairs occasionally when I know walking will hurt (eg if I need to start and stop a lot, that really messes me up). But I've been really anxious about doing it. Part of me keeps expecting someone to 'catch me' and tell me off for using it when I 'don't really need it', even though I am using it because of an actual disability. It's encouraging to hear that you're letting your kids use public wheelchairs and explore freely. Maybe if I'd been raised that way, I wouldn't have suffered so much unnecessary pain over the years. |
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Post by SouthernCalGal on Mar 5, 2018 15:13:02 GMT -5
My daughter and I just got back from a trip to Orlando/Disney World. She was out an about with her friends at the parks and I received the following text message: "There are so many more disabled people working here I love it!!" I must admit, when I read it, I got a big smile on my face and wanted to post this right away but didn't have proper access. When I caught up with her later she expressed how many disabled people she had seen working and began describing all the different types of disabilities. She thought how wonderful it was and even commented on how easy it is to get around in a wheelchair there. So...I am pretty convinced she is a DEV or at least showing some STRONG signs. What other 16 year old is thinking about things like this (except I know I was at that age )? |
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Post by SouthernCalGal on Apr 13, 2018 23:33:59 GMT -5
Just had to share. My girl went with me to work today because we had a devastating death in our family :-(. On the way, she started talking to me about a video she watched regarding a blind girl. All about what happens when you go blind and if you saw before. She thought it was interesting . Then, she ended the conversation with "I need to learn sign language." I think DEV feelings flowing. I think she might be a deaf and blind DEV.
I've had someone on PD encourage me to talk to her about this.
Any advice? It would be very helpful :-)!
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Post by lucretia on Apr 14, 2018 7:25:11 GMT -5
Just had to share. My girl went with me to work today because we had a devastating death in our family :-(. On the way, she started talking to me about a video she watched regarding a blind girl. All about what happens when you go blind and if you saw before. She thought it was interesting . Then, she ended the conversation with "I need to learn sign language." I think DEV feelings flowing. I think she might be a deaf and blind DEV. I've had someone on PD encourage me to talk to her about this. Any advice? It would be very helpful :-)! Just let her say and do what she wants without judgement or trying to guide or direct the conversation. If she wants to learn sign language, ask if she wants you to help her find a class. Don't push, just be supportive. Most kids are curious about different disabilities, so give her the freedom to explore however she wants to. |
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Post by tori on Apr 14, 2018 12:04:07 GMT -5
Just had to share. My girl went with me to work today because we had a devastating death in our family :-(. On the way, she started talking to me about a video she watched regarding a blind girl. All about what happens when you go blind and if you saw before. She thought it was interesting . Then, she ended the conversation with "I need to learn sign language." I think DEV feelings flowing. I think she might be a deaf and blind DEV. I've had someone on PD encourage me to talk to her about this. Any advice? It would be very helpful :-)! Just let her say and do what she wants without judgement or trying to guide or direct the conversation. If she wants to learn sign language, ask if she wants you to help her find a class. Don't push, just be supportive. Most kids are curious about different disabilities, so give her the freedom to explore however she wants to. I agree with this advice. I wouldn't steer it too much. I know personally that would be hard because I'm close with my daughter and we talk about a LOT. The one time I did kinda start to broach the subject with my daughter was about two years ago when we were talking about unusual fetishes in a conversation. She said she "liked bruises and thought they were pretty." I just wanted to make sure there wasn't a liking to abuse, but that it's perfectly OK to find "unusual" things pretty. That was my segway into it. She didn't bite, so I didn't press further. |
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Post by SouthernCalGal on Apr 15, 2018 14:52:35 GMT -5
Thanks lucretia and tori. I will take the advice. I am so super sensitive and in a DEV high period right now that everything she says - my head screams "DEV."  I'll take it step by step and have her lead the discussion. |
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Post by laur on Apr 15, 2018 20:15:11 GMT -5
I think it's such an asset that she has you as her mother though, SouthernCalGal. From what you've been sharing, it seems to me like she definitely could be a dev. You could always suggest a book or tv show with a PWD lead to watch and see how she reacts too. It doesn't have to be explicitly for that reason when you do so, but could facilitate conversation about this stuff. She'd probably like Covert Affairs' Auggie if she'd be into a blind love interest.
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Post by tori on Apr 15, 2018 22:01:59 GMT -5
I think it's such an asset that she has you as her mother though, SouthernCalGal. From what you've been sharing, it seems to me like she definitely could be a dev. You could always suggest a book or tv show with a PWD lead to watch and see how she reacts too. It doesn't have to be explicitly for that reason when you do so, but could facilitate conversation about this stuff. She'd probably like Covert Affairs' Auggie if she'd be into a blind love interest. My girls LOVE Covert Affairs, ESPECIALLY Auggie. Makes me go hmmmm.... |
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Post by parashoot on Apr 17, 2018 7:28:56 GMT -5
I do think most kids are naturally curious about anyone or anything different than their own idea of the norm.
My son is 4, and he lives mostly in his own world lol his head is in the clouds. He's not the most observant of the world around him usually.
He saw a clip at the end of an episode of Arthur where blind kids were making cookies and he talked about it all the time for a couple weeks. Even yesterday when we made cookies he closed his eyes while he stirred and told me he was pretending to be blind.
We were at McDonalds play land last weekend and a little boy who was blind came in. Lots of other kids and no one seemed to notice, but of course MY kid looks at me and goes "is that boy blind? Do his eyes not work?"
I don't think it's a dev thing with him, just being nosy, but who knows.
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Post by devogirl on Apr 17, 2018 8:56:05 GMT -5
I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your daughter, but I would rather die than talk about my erotic imagination with my mom. Also nothing would kill my interest faster than having my mother recommend a devvy book or tv series. I think super casual is the way to go. Answer questions if she asks, maybe leave books/videos for her to stumble across on her own but don't push.
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). I support but not have fully disclosed.
I'll take it step by step and have her lead the discussion. 
