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Post by tori on Sept 5, 2018 8:33:02 GMT -5
I was in a similar situation not telling my husband. (I’ve mentioned several times here, feel free to pm me if you want to chat). I also thought that there wasn’t really any more good that would come out of telling him- for the same reasons you said. I did tell him a few months after I joined pd, and I was wrong! There are definitely benefits to telling your pwd partner about your devness. It’s inexplicable really, but not only was it a relief to not be holding a secret, it really did bring us closer in different ways than I would have expected. AND the sex was great for the next year following You’ll do it in your time, but just wanted to share my experience with you I agree with this ^^^. My husband is AB but I went YEARS not telling him about my devness, because I feared he'd find me repulsive. All I'd read and heard about was such negative things about devotees, until I found this place. I felt like it was this HUGE thing weighing on my chest. The tell-tale heart thumping... finally I couldn't hold it in any longer and I told him. It was not NEAR as big of a deal to him as I thought it would be. Like TC, it brought us closer. It opened up different avenues for me to explore this side of my sexuality. As the years passed I started telling a couple close friends I trusted. They too were like "What? That's it? That's not a big deal." It was never as big as I built it up to be in my head. I understand the trepidation though to tell a PWD that you are in the relationship with. They may not take to it in the same manner. I've seen it go both ways. Some guys feel great that you'd be attracted to ALL of them, other guys could find it offensive that you're attracted to the thing that wounded them the most in life. Regardless though, I think keeping secrets in a committed relationship is a BAD call. You're holding back part of yourself from that person, and it just feels wrong and deceptive on so many levels. Yes, you risk losing the person by telling them, but at the same time how good does it feel to be your TRUE self, and give yourself 100% over to your partner? There is NOTHING that can compare to that level of intimacy.
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Post by devogirl on Sept 10, 2018 8:33:13 GMT -5
Regardless though, I think keeping secrets in a committed relationship is a BAD call. You're holding back part of yourself from that person, and it just feels wrong and deceptive on so many levels. Yes, you risk losing the person by telling them, but at the same time how good does it feel to be your TRUE self, and give yourself 100% over to your partner? There is NOTHING that can compare to that level of intimacy. I totally agree! I know how scary it is to risk rejection but you risk losing them anyway by keeping secrets. I spent my entire childhood and teen years keeping it a secret from my parents and it was exhausting. I never want to go back to living like that.
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Post by SouthernCalGal on Sept 23, 2018 20:55:11 GMT -5
I just had to share with all of you. I've written in this thread that I told my best friend. So...today, we are at an event and she comes over to me and points out one of her friends. "She is the one that married the guy in the wheelchair. I think you should go over and talk to her. You'd have a lot in common." I love my best friend but REALLY? I told her no, not appropriate and she just didn't get it ! LOL!!!!
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Post by kyliestarz on Dec 7, 2018 22:32:07 GMT -5
I've only told one friend and it went well.
About three years ago, over a shared bottle of wine, a close friend asked me teasingly if I had any fetishes, and for whatever reason, this time I said yes. But also that it was too embarrassing to reveal, even though I knew then it was going to the night I told somebody.
I said if she guessed it, I'd say so. It took two bottles of wine, but she finally said 'amputees?'.
At first she was a little taken aback. She was really excited and having fun guessing, and when I said amputees her face changed as she processed it.
But she was very supportive and I still love talking to her about when I can. Even though she doesn't really get it, it feels so, so good to talk openly about it. Actually, every time I see her now, I secretly hope my devness will come up so we can talk about it...
I'd say twice a year it does, and I inevitably get carried away and sorta forget she's actually not a devotee, and I get a little too detailed, basically expecting her to be attracted to amputees. Which is far from the case and she kinda swallows awkwardly while trying to maintain the supportive stance. But I know it's a little unsettling for her, I can see it. I've made it clear devness basically is my sexuality, which was important for me to get out there.
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Post by SouthernCalGal on Dec 7, 2018 23:13:01 GMT -5
So interesting that this Thread showed up today. I completely miscalculated!!!!! I thought a friend might be a DEV. I asked, then shared. NOT-however, her response was kind and supportive. However, I am feeling extremely vulnerable and a little guilty and feel that my feelings are wrong -ugh!!!! I hate this feeling 😢!
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Post by kyliestarz on Dec 8, 2018 8:23:49 GMT -5
@southerncalgal why do you feel guilty? You were confident and strong enough to share who you are, that's something to be proud about. Would you mind sharing more? Also, what made you think your friend was a devotee?
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Post by SouthernCalGal on Dec 8, 2018 22:46:24 GMT -5
kyliestarz , she knows “disability.” Her knowledge is about the same as mine. YouTube videos, books etc. I think I was expecting her to embrace the conversation and instead when she didn't respond - I started sharing EVERYTHING about me. Which, ultimately made me feel so vulnerable. She is cool, I trust her BUT, I feel uncomfortable-something I still need to work through. I hope that makes sense.
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Post by devogirl on Dec 9, 2018 8:46:16 GMT -5
She may not be a dev. There are people who are very involved with disability rights or care for various reasons but are not devs.
On the other hand, she might actually be a dev but is in denial. I had a very close friend a while back who I'm sure was a dev but I couldn't get him to admit it. I told him all about me, and he was very open about sex in general, and was not ashamed of being kinky in other ways. He married a para woman and the way he talked about her was 100% dev. He never expressed negative judgment to me about my being a dev but insisted he was not like me. I have no idea why he wouldn't admit it.
Years ago before this message board screened members or had any rules about who could join, this woman started posting who was the wife of an SCI guy. She started telling us how terrible devs are, how disrespectful to all PWDs and the people who genuinely love them. Years later she came back and admitted that she actually is a dev herself and was making a big public show of dev hate to convince her husband that she was not a dev. That's messed up!
Not saying your friend is like that but it's something to think about. Maybe she had never heard of devs and was shocked to find out from you that she's not the only one.
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Post by kyliestarz on Dec 9, 2018 8:55:04 GMT -5
@southerncalgal I love the idea of talking with a friend or aquitance and having us slowly realize we're both devs, like how the conversation would actually get there, how the honesty and devness would slowly ratchet up, till one of us finally says 'wait, are you a devotee? And then we both laugh in relief.
I get how thinking you're going down that path, only to find out you're not could be hard, and hard to slow down once you got going.
Your friend might not be a dev but she sounds great and supportive, and you got a chance to be honest, I personally would conside the experience a postive thing. But yeah, I can see how there'd be some anxiety or stress about it initially.
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Post by Betty on Dec 9, 2018 12:45:19 GMT -5
She may not be a dev. There are people who are very involved with disability rights or care for various reasons but are not devs. On the other hand, she might actually be a dev but is in denial. I had a very close friend a while back who I'm sure was a dev but I couldn't get him to admit it. I told him all about me, and he was very open about sex in general, and was not ashamed of being kinky in other ways. He married a para woman and the way he talked about her was 100% dev. He never expressed negative judgment to me about my being a dev but insisted he was not like me. I have no idea why he wouldn't admit it. Years ago before this message board screened members or had any rules about who could join, this woman started posting who was the wife of an SCI guy. She started telling us how terrible devs are, how disrespectful to all PWDs and the people who genuinely love them. Years later she came back and admitted that she actually is a dev herself and was making a big public show of dev hate to convince her husband that she was not a dev. That's messed up! Not saying your friend is like that but it's something to think about. Maybe she had never heard of devs and was shocked to find out from you that she's not the only one. Messed up? Maybe, but I think it is human nature to be overcritical of others when we see in them what we perceive to be our own flaws.
Take for example televangelists who preach about sexual and moral purity, but are later exposed to be having adulterous affairs.
And the homophobic politicians who turn out to be closeted homosexuals themselves.
When thou doth protest too much...
Dev in denial sounds spot on to me!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2018 14:12:29 GMT -5
I think the chance of having a friend in your circles in real life who is a dev is very slim. And you can try to tell your friends but if they are not devs they will never really get it.
I just had this encounter again yesterday with my friends. They know I am a dev and even though I have tried to explain it to them, they just don't really get it.
My friend really offended me yesterday when we were talking about writing and I mentioned I'm posting on the Blog again and I had to refresh her memory on the Dev Fiction Blog and she made this comment about that all of the stories are probably sex stories with disabled men and she was serious and I felt like I had to defend devs and the authors in general. It felt like an insult to the talent we have on the Blog, the awesome authors who write novels and novellas with awesome back stories and how it's not all about sex.
I sent them the link again to the Stories Blog, telling them how many cool stories are there. Honestly if it would be one of my friends writing and posting on a Blog I would read it and try to understand but I don't think they will because they have such a distorted picture of me being a dev.
I got kind of angry and also inside somehow hurt because I realized once again that they just don't get it. It makes me not want to talk about dev stuff even though it comes up sometimes and they may make a joke here and there about my being a dev in a fun way but that yesterday just offended me because she just assumed that all we write is disability porn or something.
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Post by strawberrybubblegum on Dec 9, 2018 15:12:41 GMT -5
I think the chance of having a friend in your circles in real life who is a dev is very slim. And you can try to tell your friends but if they are not devs they will never really get it. I just had this encounter again yesterday with my friends. They know I am a dev and even though I have tried to explain it to them, they just don't really get it. My friend really offended me yesterday when we were talking about writing and I mentioned I'm posting on the Blog again and I had to refresh her memory on the Dev Fiction Blog and she made this comment about that all of the stories are probably sex stories with disabled men and she was serious and I felt like I had to defend devs and the authors in general. It felt like an insult to the talent we have on the Blog, the awesome authors who write novels and novellas with awesome back stories and how it's not all about sex. I sent them the link again to the Stories Blog, telling them how many cool stories are there. Honestly if it would be one of my friends writing and posting on a Blog I would read it and try to understand but I don't think they will because they have such a distorted picture of me being a dev. I got kind of angry and also inside somehow hurt because I realized once again that they just don't get it. It makes me not want to talk about dev stuff even though it comes up sometimes and they may make a joke here and there about my being a dev in a fun way but that yesterday just offended me because she just assumed that all we write is disability porn or something. I wouldn’t take it so hard, dani. I can see where she’s coming from, given that this is a site about our sexual orientation/fetish/whatever you wanna call it. It makes sense to me that she thinks the stories on the blog are of erotic nature. I myself, being a member here for several years, don’t even really know, because most of the stories on the blog are just not my cup of tea (I’m generally not into romance when it comes to literature).
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Post by pam on Dec 9, 2018 16:24:21 GMT -5
If there is anyone I would not discuss being a dev with is my closest friend at work. Anything out of the ordinary sexually to her, she thinks of it as being "sick". But I dont discuss it with anyone anyhow. But if I was single and looking for someone, I might mention it, who knows.
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Post by kyliestarz on Dec 9, 2018 16:44:26 GMT -5
pam does that mean you haven't told anyone IRL? I've only told one person... I don't think people with more traditional sexual orientations can really get devness, and it will always be a bit weird for them, so I do wonder how productive telling people in my life would be, I'll never tell my partner, there's nothing that would change, as role playing wouldn't do it, plus literally every time we have sex I orgasm to dev thoughts. I don't think I could ever share that with him. I would be interested to talk with those who have different but equally intense fetishes or alternative orientations or whatever you want to call it. I don't know exactly who or what those people are, but it would be interesting to vent a bit and get a their perspective.
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Post by pam on Dec 9, 2018 18:08:29 GMT -5
pam does that mean you haven't told anyone IRL? I've only told one person... I don't think people with more traditional sexual orientations can really get devness, and it will always be a bit weird for them, so I do wonder how productive telling people in my life would be, I'll never tell my partner, there's nothing that would change, as role playing wouldn't do it, plus literally every time we have sex I orgasm to dev thoughts. I don't think I could ever share that with him. I would be interested to talk with those who have different but equally intense fetishes or alternative orientations or whatever you want to call it. I don't know exactly who or what those people are, but it would be interesting to vent a bit and get a their perspective. No I have not told anyone at all. I dont think any of my friends or coworkers are devs/know devs so it would not be fun to talk with them. I much rather discuss it here on PD where others share my feelings. As far as my husband, I will never tell him. There would be no point. I am also not interested in role playing with him, that would so not be like the real thing. I also get excitement from dev thoughts with I'm with him, but he doesn't need to know that. I know some people dont feel comfortable keeping it from their SO, but I think it would make our relationship worse, not better. It would hurt his feelings.
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