gimpygay
Full Member
Single
Posts: 125
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Hassle
Nov 24, 2018 8:03:46 GMT -5
Post by gimpygay on Nov 24, 2018 8:03:46 GMT -5
I was wondering if any of my fellow PWD have ever had hassle from other Crips for dating Devs? Similarly, have any Devs had problems from Able Bodied family or friends because they are with a Disabled person?
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Post by lisa on Nov 24, 2018 10:00:39 GMT -5
I have dated a disabled guy and had family members and friends telling me that this was not right for me.
Usually there are far more good stories than bad ones on PD when it comes to devs telling their family and friends about dating a disabled guy, but I'm sure there are many untold stories that didn't go so well. And it isn't just all about relationships, I've heard crazy stories about people turning away from their newly disabled family members, because they "couldn't bear it". While I think everyone needs their time to come to terms with such a life-changing event, it is no excuse for acting like this on a long-term basis.
Did you experience similar problems? Don't be afraid to talk to people about it. You will find an understanding group here or you find someone in real life who you can trust and talk to about these things.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2018 12:51:02 GMT -5
Ive had nothing but negative opinions when i started dating a pwd. People seemed to think they could say really inappropriate stuff and that i should be glad they were trying to "help". In truth, my partner is the most honest, enlightened and caring man ive ever known...so to all those helpful doubters, you have NO idea what youre missing out on !
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Post by Kela on Nov 24, 2018 14:06:09 GMT -5
Outside of here I don't really know/talk with many other PWD's as I was at a mainstream school and my friends are all able bodied and I have also never dated a dev. I guess the only thing I can contribute is last year my twin and younger brother, both of whom live with me, weren't overly supportive when I had arranged a date as they didn't want to leave me with someone they didn't know/trust. That was really the first time I have had a bad experience in that situation, but I ended up convincing them to trust my judgment.
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el_steveo
Junior Member
Posts: 71
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by el_steveo on Nov 24, 2018 14:25:14 GMT -5
my ex's mother was very unsupportive of our relationship. she refused to meet me. she just didn't want her daughter to be with a man in a wheelchair. she wasn't a dev though.
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Post by lucretia on Nov 24, 2018 15:01:32 GMT -5
I had all kinds of reactions from people thinking I was "noble" to people telling me I was throwing my life away.
The most negative comments though were from my friends and family... But had nothing to do with his disability but rather the toll the distance and his personality were taking on me.
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katdob
New Member
Posts: 35
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
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Post by katdob on Nov 24, 2018 21:33:15 GMT -5
I think most negative or youre 'noble' comments are well meaning but from a totally uneducated stand point, most AB folk suffer from 'youvenofuckingidea' syndrome so i dont hold a grudge, apart from my first mother in-law who was a total bitch who actively tried to split us up (even after marriage!), I had the last laugh though and hummed 'ding dong the witch is dead' to myself at her funeral .... yeah i hated her that much Worst thing you can hear are the likes of ‘you are throwing your life away’. Can guarantee that wouldn’t be the case!
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Post by devogirl on Nov 25, 2018 3:10:46 GMT -5
For devs it's not just when friends and family see us dating a PWD, but when they see us with the second, and the third and so on. That's really when the freak out begins. My parents did freak the hell out. I just stopped telling them anything about my dating life. I have heard it all, from "that sucks" to "you're an angel" to "ugh, him?" I've had AB guys (even married guys!) hit on me shamelessly even knowing I had a boyfriend, because apparently my relationship with a PWD was not due any respect. But that was all from people I was not close to. I'm happy to say my closest friends always treated my PWD boyfriends just like any other person and were supportive of the relationship. The only times I got pushback was because of other issues, not because of his disability.
On the other hand, I don't think the guys ever told people that they were dating a dev (except in a few cases), because it's really no one's business. I suspect they might have been concerned that people would be judgmental out of ignorance.
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Post by strawberrybubblegum on Nov 25, 2018 4:56:07 GMT -5
I had different reactions to my dating a PWD. Most of my friends were cool with it. Only one friend asked so much about the how’s and why’s (not in a bad way, though, she was really just being curious) that she basically pushed me to coming out to her. Luckily she’s a rather close friend so I had been thinking about telling her anyway. My family was a whole other deal. My dad hated that I was with a PWD throughout the whole thing. Even after three years and us living together he couldn’t accept and recognize him as my partner. Being really close to my family this was never easy for me. Luckily, this means that whoever came after my ex was going to be more than well accepted by my dad, which is totally the case. My new boyfriend even had it hard at the beginning with my mum because she really liked my ex. My ex spent Christmas 2016 with me and my family and got to know a lot of family friends and extended family back then. The reactions were terrible. This was when my family and him met for the first time, too, so my dad didn’t deal well with it to begin with. But my grandma was also really concerned, as well as some friends. It was a very big deal. Apparently everyone was talking about it when we left. The next time I saw an aunt who had also met him then, she gave me the whole “you’re a saint and I admire you”. Even my best friend’s mum was really concerned. And even though she was really nice to us and helpful, when we broke up, she told me that it’s good we did because I wouldn’t be able to help him for the rest of our lives or something like that. As DG mentioned for me the possibility of dating other PWD after him was really nerve-wracking. Especially after all of this! But also in the beginning, which is why I told my parents about his disability about a year into the relationship. Anyway, I’m dating an AB now and hopefully I won’t have to date again. 😅 Oh and he always told me that the people who knew I was a dev had reacted quite positively. But I always asked myself if he only told me that so that I wouldn’t be sad or hurt or stress over being a dev.
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Hassle
Nov 25, 2018 8:49:58 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by lucretia on Nov 25, 2018 8:49:58 GMT -5
My ex dated a lot of devs, a couple from here even. And most of his friends knew about it and PD. So he told them I was a dev from the beginning.
It was quite nerve-racking going into the first meeting (a big party) where everyone knew I was a dev. It ended up fine except for them mocking his exes' behaviors and attitudes. I wonder what they say about me... 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Hassle
Nov 25, 2018 9:56:18 GMT -5
Post by happyface2013 on Nov 25, 2018 9:56:18 GMT -5
I think most negative or youre 'noble' comments are well meaning but from a totally uneducated stand point, most AB folk suffer from 'youvenofuckingidea' syndrome so i dont hold a grudge, apart from my first mother in-law who was a total bitch who actively tried to split us up (even after marriage!), I had the last laugh though and hummed 'ding dong the witch is dead' to myself at her funeral .... yeah i hated her that much Was she Maggie Thatcher??
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2018 9:59:50 GMT -5
One of my ex's dad didn't exactly approve but I think it was mostly because I live far away. I'm sure he had issues with my disability too but she would never tell me if he did. Another ex's parents loved me because I have my shit together more than anyone else she has dated. And I hate when people think anyone with me is saintly - thanks for thinking that life with me is so miserable that only a saint would put up with it. I think I'm a pretty decent catch. I recently did an interview with a local film maker who is making a documentary on disability in WI and he brought up devs. Well, he used the term "chair chaser" (How fucking yuck is that?) that he heard from someone else he interviewed. There was definitely a negative connotation and I tried to set him straight. One of my points was that if we could be more open about dating as a community, maybe some of that stigma would disappear.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2018 12:47:09 GMT -5
I didn’t get a lot of hassle from friends about dating a PWD.
My sister also asked a lot of how’s and why’s to the point where I came out to her as a dev. All she said was, “You would.” She hasn’t really brought it up again, but everytime we’re together and pass a homeless person in a wheelchair, she nudges me and raises her eyebrows. I feign interest and we have a laugh...I’m 87% sure she knows I’m joking.
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Hassle
Nov 25, 2018 14:47:25 GMT -5
via mobile
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Post by Julia on Nov 25, 2018 14:47:25 GMT -5
So my whole family knows and it was surprisingly good reactions.
When I told my brother and sister they didn’t give a sh!t. My sister was working at a pet store at the time so she started telling me about a hot DAK amp who had a manual chair with a chihuahua in his lap that came in a few times. She told me she’d do it with him XD My brother was super supportive. My dad thought it was interesting, but doesn’t care My mom thinks I’m a creep so I stopped talking to her about it because everytime it comes up she starts yelling. So any future guys will never get to meet her. Which will be hard because she wants to know every detail of my life and wants to move into the same neighborhood with me. At this point if I end up marrying someone with a noticeable disability I’ll probably be forced to elope or wait until she’s long gone to do so. But thankfully I don’t have to worry about for awhile since I’m single
I only told them because after my first relationship with a wheeler, I don’t want to shock them whenever I tell them about whoever I date next.
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Deleted
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Hassle
Nov 25, 2018 20:25:13 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2018 20:25:13 GMT -5
I think for one it is always difficult for dads to let their daughters go with a man...I don't think it matters if it's a PWD or an AB guy. My dad reacted horrible when I had my first boyfriend who was my first love really. It was the kind of reaction where my mom had to pull us all into the kitchen and leave my dad alone in the living room because he had acted so stupid towards my first boyfriend. My dad did feel like crap though when this said boyfriend and first love of mine died in a car accident while we were dating. My dad was never able to face me and apologize for the way he had acted toward him. I forgave him for it though, he was just worried and it was hard to let his daughter go. Maybe in heaven he finally shook my boyfriend's hand and apologized to him.
As for the telling people about being a dev or dating or all that. I really wonder why does it have to be "told" that we are a dev or we like to be with PWD...why can't it just be a guy and a girl dating, doesn't matter. I feel it is not necessary to "tell" anyone in the PWD's family "Oh, by the way she is a dev" or for the dev to have to tell "Oh, by the way I like to date PWD"...and people with stupid comments, f... them
But maybe I'm just naive
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