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Post by Hopper on Dec 1, 2018 2:54:19 GMT -5
I wouldn't mind it, after all it would be their decision and really as a Father there'd only be so much I could say to them. Having said that though, I would totally be the type of Father that would denounce his daughter's suitors for ridiculous reasons. "His hair's too long!" "What are all those piercings?" "He mumbles all the time!" "He called me out of touch!.....he has a point! He can stay!"
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Post by matisse on Dec 1, 2018 18:49:37 GMT -5
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Post by Tek on Dec 1, 2018 19:18:06 GMT -5
I get what you're saying and agree with the sentiment, but that post says he lost a battle with cancer, though. That can happen to anyone.
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Deleted
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Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2018 6:54:53 GMT -5
Always seperate the two, caregiver / lover. Even if she's a nurse, she shouldn't do the medical parts!
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JackxxUK
New Member
Posts: 10
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by JackxxUK on Dec 4, 2018 7:33:18 GMT -5
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gimpygay
Full Member
Single
Posts: 125
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by gimpygay on Dec 4, 2018 8:14:25 GMT -5
If I had any there would be no problem.
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Post by lucretia on Dec 4, 2018 8:16:35 GMT -5
and bingo youve hit 10 posts ... wonder why eh 🤔 Wow.... I've seen a lot of less than interesting methods, but this one wins... Bleh
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Post by TotalBias on Dec 4, 2018 16:17:54 GMT -5
Betty, that might work in your own little world but in reality it doesn’t happen. Well it's happening now to me. The girlfriend inevitably always wants to do the care My wife has never wanted to do the care. She's an emergency backup. Which happens maybe once a year or less. And this is good, because she's terrible LOL. It's also weird for both of us. I need someone who is subservient and follows my instructions. She's......not the subservient type. Yes but say if there isn’t the money or services to give you the break between romance and caring… that has happened many times. I can see your perspective due to the money issue. It's just so expensive to be a wheeler. I can totally see how, for most wheelers, it's not feasible to always be able to have a separate caregiver. That sucks but yeah it's reality. I figured I would weighing in on this to (literally) care or not to care debate. I think it’s unrealistic to assume that all PWD and all people who love them also want to do the physical care stuff. Sometimes it happens out of love and necessity, but I don’t think it’s usually an always/never thing with most couples. A lot depends on circumstance and boundaries, which are totally unique to each couple as well as individual person. As for me, personally, I don’t think I would enjoy dating a PWD who didn’t allow me to eventually care for him physically. For me, it’s two-fold. On the practical side of things, I had a partner who died because one of his carers didn’t respond properly in an emergency situation. Although I certainly couldn’t prevent that from happening with other people in the future, I sure as hell don’t want to be the person that makes a mistake that results in the death of my partner. Therefore I prioritize being fully trained, especially on the important stuff. On the emotional side of things, I prefer to date PWD specifically because of the intimacy caring/being cared for inspires. I love being so close to my partner that things PWD often see as necessary evils (that some are embarrassed about even) become intimate and often sexual experiences. To me, being vulnerable with each other’s emotions and bodies like that is one of the most beautiful aspects of a relationship between people of different abilities. All that being said, I think it’s important to note that I am not a nurse or in the medical field, nor do I want to ever be. I also don’t have any interest in being the primary carer of a person long term as I have my own life and interests. For me, the ideal is somewhere in the middle where we can both have our independence but share in the intimacy of relying on one another when we choose to do so. ❤️
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Post by matisse on Dec 4, 2018 22:50:39 GMT -5
Well it's happening now to me.My wife has never wanted to do the care. She's an emergency backup. Which happens maybe once a year or less. And this is good, because she's terrible LOL. It's also weird for both of us. I need someone who is subservient and follows my instructions. She's......not the subservient type. I can see your perspective due to the money issue. It's just so expensive to be a wheeler. I can totally see how, for most wheelers, it's not feasible to always be able to have a separate caregiver. That sucks but yeah it's reality. I figured I would weighing in on this to (literally) care or not to care debate. I think it’s unrealistic to assume that all PWD and all people who love them also want to do the physical care stuff. Sometimes it happens out of love and necessity, but I don’t think it’s usually an always/never thing with most couples. A lot depends on circumstance and boundaries, which are totally unique to each couple as well as individual person. As for me, personally, I don’t think I would enjoy dating a PWD who didn’t allow me to eventually care for him physically. For me, it’s two-fold. On the practical side of things, I had a partner who died because one of his carers didn’t respond properly in an emergency situation. Although I certainly couldn’t prevent that from happening with other people in the future, I sure as hell don’t want to be the person that makes a mistake that results in the death of my partner. Therefore I prioritize being fully trained, especially on the important stuff. On the emotional side of things, I prefer to date PWD specifically because of the intimacy caring/being cared for inspires. I love being so close to my partner that things PWD often see as necessary evils (that some are embarrassed about even) become intimate and often sexual experiences. To me, being vulnerable with each other’s emotions and bodies like that is one of the most beautiful aspects of a relationship between people of different abilities. All that being said, I think it’s important to note that I am not a nurse or in the medical field, nor do I want to ever be. I also don’t have any interest in being the primary carer of a person long term as I have my own life and interests. For me, the ideal is somewhere in the middle where we can both have our independence but share in the intimacy of relying on one another when we choose to do so. ❤️ I can see what you're saying about the intimacy if that's what they both get out of it. But for me, it would compromise my independence too much. I don't want to have to schedule my basic care around her schedule, I want to do what I want when I want it. And then, I would hate to have to rely on her when we are fighting. I guess that one is not theoretical because it actually has happened. I hated every minute of it. The only way I would be open to it would be if I had other additional carers who could do the care if she couldn't or if I didn't want her to. But then having people who can assist on short-notice would be a difficult arrangement to arrange.
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Post by TotalBias on Dec 5, 2018 0:19:24 GMT -5
I can see what you're saying about the intimacy if that's what they both get out of it. But for me, it would compromise my independence too much. I don't want to have to schedule my basic care around her schedule, I want to do what I want when I want it. And then, I would hate to have to rely on her when we are fighting. I guess that one is not theoretical because it actually has happened. I hated every minute of it. The only way I would be open to it would be if I had other additional carers who could do the care if she couldn't or if I didn't want her to. But then having people who can assist on short-notice would be a difficult arrangement to arrange. I hear you. I don’t think you understood what I was saying though. “ I also DON’T have any interest in being the primary carer of a person long term as I have my own life and interests. For me, the ideal is somewhere in the middle where WE CAN BOTH HAVE OUR INDEPENDENCE but share in the intimacy of relying on one another WHEN WE CHOOSE to do so. ❤️“ I went ahead and capitalized the parts which I think emphasize that your stance is actually pretty aligned with mine. I want caring to be an option, not a requirement. It’s sexy when you know he doesn’t need it, but he wants it (and vice versa)
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Post by matisse on Dec 5, 2018 1:55:37 GMT -5
I can see what you're saying about the intimacy if that's what they both get out of it. But for me, it would compromise my independence too much. I don't want to have to schedule my basic care around her schedule, I want to do what I want when I want it. And then, I would hate to have to rely on her when we are fighting. I guess that one is not theoretical because it actually has happened. I hated every minute of it. The only way I would be open to it would be if I had other additional carers who could do the care if she couldn't or if I didn't want her to. But then having people who can assist on short-notice would be a difficult arrangement to arrange. I hear you. I don’t think you understood what I was saying though. “ I also DON’T have any interest in being the primary carer of a person long term as I have my own life and interests. For me, the ideal is somewhere in the middle where WE CAN BOTH HAVE OUR INDEPENDENCE but share in the intimacy of relying on one another WHEN WE CHOOSE to do so. ❤️“ I went ahead and capitalized the parts which I think emphasize that your stance is actually pretty aligned with mine. I want caring to be an option, not a requirement. It’s sexy when you know he doesn’t need it, but he wants it (and vice versa) I did see that about the independence. It just didn't seem realistic for most wheelers. How would you achieve that?
You get mad at each other one night so he wants other help. Someone is on call?
You get sick one night and don't want to get him sick. Someone is on call?
Your kids get sick or have an other issues that require your time. Someone is on call?
Ideally, I suppose, you just have caregivers scheduled for all necessary times. If you want to cancel them for fun time, you do. But you still have to pay them. Who can get that arrangement, other than perhaps the 1%? (Like me.)
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Post by TotalBias on Dec 5, 2018 3:31:12 GMT -5
matisse Well, to be fair, both SMAers I’ve dated were from wealthy families, so there’s that. Having someone on call could be a thing, yes. But usually what Cole and I did for example (before I became his primary, but that did end up being out of desperate circumstances when he cut his parents out of his life, and it was always supposed to be temporary) was we would just send the person home early and pay them as if they were there. I also had shifts from the very beginning because we never wanted anyone around when we were spending relationship time together or going on dates, so it just made sense for me to do whatever he needed. I’ve never been a big fan of being around a carer and my SO at the same time. It always felt weird and unnecessary because usually the carer would end up standing around while he asked me to do stuff because he preferred me doing it. I’m sure it may be different if I end up with a PWD and we have kids and separate careers and everything. Maybe there will be more carers around constantly? But the way I see it, if your SO is not giving the care, you have to pay someone to be around to do the care right? So if you send them home for example, or put them on call, isn’t it money already spent? How do you work it?
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Post by matisse on Dec 5, 2018 21:52:50 GMT -5
matisse Well, to be fair, both SMAers I’ve dated were from wealthy families, so there’s that. Having someone on call could be a thing, yes. But usually what Cole and I did for example (before I became his primary, but that did end up being out of desperate circumstances when he cut his parents out of his life, and it was always supposed to be temporary) was we would just send the person home early and pay them as if they were there. I also had shifts from the very beginning because we never wanted anyone around when we were spending relationship time together or going on dates, so it just made sense for me to do whatever he needed. I’ve never been a big fan of being around a carer and my SO at the same time. It always felt weird and unnecessary because usually the carer would end up standing around while he asked me to do stuff because he preferred me doing it. I’m sure it may be different if I end up with a PWD and we have kids and separate careers and everything. Maybe there will be more carers around constantly? But the way I see it, if your SO is not giving the care, you have to pay someone to be around to do the care right? So if you send them home for example, or put them on call, isn’t it money already spent? How do you work it? Yeah you still have to pay if you send them home. I have someone every morning and night. They do it all even if my wife just happens to be watching TV. I don't find it weird and I actually think it's cool that she can have a break from the kids and not have to use that time to help me. For sex positioning, my wife definitely does that. It takes very little work. But I still hate that she has to do it. It's probably one of the reasons I take the ED meds. Needing her to do that is kind of deflating. I don't know if that's a Type A thing or a vestige of man-job sexism, but it is what it is and after all this time I don't see it going away.
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Post by TotalBias on Dec 6, 2018 4:15:04 GMT -5
matisse that’s too bad they positioning hasn’t become a part of foreplay for you. I’ve always personally considered it a part of foreplay. As for what your wife does/doesn’t do, I think it’s a bit different because your care seems to be streamlined to twice a day. With Cole, since he was too weak to lift his arms, someone had to assist with almost everything, including eating. I decided to do that real quick (like day one) because it’s so unbelievably awkward to be having a nice meal with your partner, only to have a 3rd wheel carer sitting there for the sole purpose of lifting a fork. For us, it just made so much more sense for me to do those things so we could have alone time.
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Post by matisse on Dec 7, 2018 20:02:08 GMT -5
matisse that’s too bad they positioning hasn’t become a part of foreplay for you. I’ve always personally considered it a part of foreplay. As for what your wife does/doesn’t do, I think it’s a bit different because your care seems to be streamlined to twice a day. With Cole, since he was too weak to lift his arms, someone had to assist with almost everything, including eating. I decided to do that real quick (like day one) because it’s so unbelievably awkward to be having a nice meal with your partner, only to have a 3rd wheel carer sitting there for the sole purpose of lifting a fork. For us, it just made so much more sense for me to do those things so we could have alone time. Yeah I can see that if it's 24/7. I wouldn't like to have a person around all the time and for everything. I don't know what I would do though, because I really don't like the thought of my wife helping me eat. I would not find it intimate or fun, I would find it sad. I think she would, too. I think I miss my AB self only a little bit more than she does. I think it's different when you meet a wheeler when they are already a wheeler, versus when they are (mostly) AB. The expectations, on both sides, are different when both are AB initially. I think that's why there is such a high separation rate for couples where one gets disabled after they are committed.
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