Cause or Effect?

[kyliestarz]

Hi all, 

This is my first post here, but I've been reading the forum for about a year. So while I don't really feel new, it's great to finally break the ice. Hi!

I'd imagine 'first dev experience' threads have come & gone many times before, so apologies for the repetition, but I've always had this nagging feeling that my 'first time' is actually the cause of me being such an intense dev (at least I think I'm intense). 

Hence cause or effect. I know I'll never get an answer (which is frustrating) but I'd be great to hear others' stories and whether 'cause' seemed like a nagging potential outcome of them. 

My first dev experience:

I was in Grade 1 and we had a substitute teacher who was the first extremely attractive, young, strong, handsome man I'd ever seen - imagine a young Clarke Kent. It was unequivocally the first time I felt powerfully, immediately and even sexually attracted to a person. 

The second thing I noticed after the initial shock was that his left had a severe birth defect - all his fingers were the size of pees with no fingernails, except his thumb, which was much smaller than a normal thumb but was big enough to have an opposable joint.    

Seeing his hand close up, which I did when he handed out lunch tickets individually, holding the role of ticket stock with the thumb of his small hand, made my heart pump, but I don't remember being extra attracted to it, I just remember thinking about how someone so strong and vibrant could have this sad little helpless hand.

So...you can see how I'd connect the dots - maybe the fact that my first sexual experience was tied to this birth defect married my life-long sexuality to disability. 

For the record, I'm fine being a dev (though the intense desires can be a burden at times) and I don't really care why I am a dev, it's just this memory bugs me sometimes. Could my sexual life  been completely different if I hadn't had that substitute? 




PS: Ironically, I've never been attracted to congenital amputees or birth defects at all - SCIs and leg amputees are my cup of tea.  

[Betty]

Welcome to PD kyliestarz !

I remember the day I came out of lurking mode to join. What a great feeling!!

It's interesting you describe this teacher as looking like Clark Kent. Clark Kent = Superman = Super SCI Specimen. Lol

[Emma]

Welcome Kylie!

I have some memories like that (my 3rd grade student teacher who was both missing a toe and had a small useless arm from something like childhood brachial plexus injury) but honestly I think in the end, my memories of people with physical differences like that are BECAUSE I'm a dev, they didn't cause my devness. Back in the day when I was new to realizing I was a dev I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I had this attraction . Now, almost 20 years years later I feel like its something I was born with, not something that was triggered in me at an early age. I'm sure I would have just as mesmerized by your attractive teacher with missing fingers especially since I still have a thing for congenital amputations.

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

[robbb]

I'm inclined to agree with Emma.

My first dev experience although only a guy in a cast undoubtedly sexually aroused me even though I was very young. I think it aroused me because I was a dev rather than made a dev.

I have no real basis for thinking this, it's just a gut feeling.

R.

[loreley]

Hi Kylie, and welcome to the board!

I also believe I was born this way and not that there was some event triggering off the attraction.

My earliest memories go back when I was 4 or 5 years old. My mom was in charge of evaluating several summer camps for children and she took me along to the sea front for a few days. It was a camp for children with and without disabilities and one of the camp leaders was a very attractive paraplegic in his early 20ies who was also very friendly with me. I immediately had a massive crush on him, spent as much time as I could near him and later told my mother that I absolutely wanted to marry him once I had grown up.

She smiled and said that once I was older I might reconsider and pick someone with two healthy legs. I was really taken aback by this comment and realized, at my early age, that apparently what I felt was not really acceptable for people around me and I should rather keep my mouth shut. I never spoke to my mother about being attracted to PWDs again. She died quite young, so she never got to meet any boyfriends with disabilities and I had no explaining to do.

[Deleted]

I also have come to believe that I was born this way. I actually used to try to figure it out but being here and learning more about being a dev over the years has brought me to the conclusion that I was born this way.
I remember always being fascinated by disability and over time several memories have come to mind, things I never really thought much about but now I know those things intensified the dev feelings.
I also used to write a lot as a teenager and I used to write diaries as a girl and as I have read over those stories and diary entries I know my devness was always there.
And I also know that once I developed sexually there were indicators to my devness and also triggered my fetishes.
I am surprised that you feel you had sexual feelings in first grade, that seems very early.

[Deleted]

Another question is, why do you consider yourself an "intense" dev?

[pam]

Hello, welcome. I believe I was born a dev and that there was nothing in particular that happened to cause it. I dont remember any special happenings when I was young that were devy. I think it was just meant to be from birth.

[kyliestarz]

Wow, thanks for the warm welcomes and responses everyone.

I know we'll never, ever, know whether its a 'born that way thing' or a 'caused by experience thing', but I do lean to the latter.

Even though devness is so completely ingrained in my sexuality (in a way devness IS my sexuality), it still feels foreign in a way, like something that shouldn't naturally be there, something that got in.

Maybe an analogy would be the wrong ingredient that got into a cake mix, and is now an inextricable part of the baked cake. I guess under the 'caused by experience' view, that cake was being made in our childhoods/early teens, when our sexuality was developing - A certain type of experience got it, at just the right time. And once the cake comes out of the oven, there's no changing it.

Anyway...it's not like I have super strong conviction on that or anything. 'Born that way' certainly feels more positive - devness is simply who I am, and something positive, something that doesn't need to be questioned (just like some people are bi or gay) and not the result of something that happened to me, that afflicted me.

It terms of why I consider myself to be an "intense dev", well, I do need to scratch the itch 2-3 times a week and have since I was a teen. And sometimes its moments when I really shouldn't, like in a bathroom at work or locked in the bathroom at home when my AB partner has fallen asleep. Times when I really shouldn't be a dev, but really can't help it.  

It's always there. And when you add it all up since I was a teen (I'm 34) it's lots and lots of hours doing 'dev things'.

It's great to have such a strong desire, and to be able to satisfy it myself is even better, but it's also a lot of time and attention. It's what I want to do most, which feels a little unhealthy. Maybe all devs are like this, and I'm not intense, I don't know.

[pam]

"It's always there. And when you add it all up since I was a teen (I'm 34) it's lots and lots of hours doing 'dev things'."


I have to say through my entire life, I have spent many hours dreaming and thinking of dev things. It's nice to know now I am not alone. It just took until I was 52 to realize that! And it is always there. It amazes me how powerful it is. I used to think, ok I got married, had kids and that's it, no daydreaming anymore. Well, that didn't happen. At least I'm not the only one who spends lots of time with devness on their mind!

[Betty]

I remember getting intense dev highs while I was pregnant. That was confusing and even led to some extra guilt. I now think hormones played a role. Decades later, my dev highs and lows continue to flex with my monthly hormone levels.

[Deleted]

I think the "intense" devness is the devness itself and the things every dev does/thinks/dreams/acts on in every day life. I feel devness is part of my life every day, may it be at work, at home, out and about or when by myself. I think it could fluctuate with hormonal changes because for a lot of devs it is tied into their sexuality so it could be more or less intense but it's always there.

[robbb]

Don't get me wrong Kylie, I think your logic about influence during sexual development makes some sense, it just isn't how I feel things went with me.

Dec 1, 2018 10:56:32 GMT -5 kyliestarz said:

Even though devness is so completely ingrained in my sexuality (in a way devness IS my sexuality), it still feels foreign in a way, like something that shouldn't naturally be there, something that got in.

I would describe my sexuality as gay dev. While I accept both aspects as part of my self when I look at the world around me I too feel like it's not entirely as it should be. That's possible why I am not open about either.

I agree with Dani that what you describe as 'intense dev' is what most of us experience, at the very least during dev highs.

R.

[kyliestarz]

So, after reading everyone's helpful responses here, and the 'DEV high' thread, it's pretty clear I'm not an outlier in dev desire intensity.

But gosh, it's kinda hard to believe others are out there doing what I'm doing and thinking what I'm thinking. I can feel it in some of the posts. It feels so great to know that it's so.

I'm really looking forward to interacting with other devs.I feel like I've been on a desert island my whole life, and it's really hard to contextualize things, to wrap my head around being part of a community.

I've only ever told one friend. I do love talking to her about my devness, but she obviously doesn't fully get it, and views it more like I'm turned on by amputees and Sci like she's turned on by surfers. She gets it's a pretty serious thing, but I haven't had the guts to tell her everything, everything, which I'm sure you all know what I mean.

[Deleted]

kyliestarz
yeah, I definitely don't think you're alone with your devness intensity. We all feel it I promise you're in the company of like minded folks.
About the friends thing, I have told my three besties and even though they try, they don't really get it either. They are not devs, simple as that. But at least their radars are also programmed for me now if an attractive guy on wheels crosses our paths. And they consider my attraction when they fantasize about the half naked firefighters which don't all the way do much for me. So we laugh about it and they include my fantasies in our conversations as well...lol