brinzerdecalli
Full Member
I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
Posts: 217
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Nov 30, 2018 19:03:57 GMT -5
Hey,
I wanted to see if anyone went through something similar. I've dated one girl on and off for 2 or so years now. The pattern is we get really close, have a lot of fun, express deep love for each other, even talk about the possibility of building a life together [all initiated by her] then seemingly randomly she loses these feelings and wants to break up. A month or so down the line she admits to missing me as a best friend and lover and we pick up where we left off.
After anywhere from 2 weeks to 8 months of being together, literally, we have an amazing weekend, the day after she can't stop saying how much she misses me already and can't wait to see me again, then the day after that she seems distant. I ask her if she's ok and she admits to not have the same feelings and wants to break up. Then cuts me completely out of her life till we later reconnect. During the time apart, she later admits, that she missed me so much most of the time and wanted to reach out sooner, but stopped herself.
I'm not hung up on her per se and try to date around, but being severely physically disabled my dating pool is realistically much smaller, and finding "purgers", as she does, is not very easy, so I do think about it more than I should... I'm used to people having preferences, but for passion and love to be so fickle, it confuses me. I wonder if it's a product of not coping well with the circumstances and complications of dating someone with a disability, or just a general lack of maturity and overwhelming commitment issues...?
Has anyone been through the same or similar? All the relationships I've had to date were just as wishy-washy but none as serious. Should I always expect this? Is this just how normal people are and I am weird for loving and having a passion that doesn't waver?
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Post by vegmama on Nov 30, 2018 19:35:10 GMT -5
Geez, this sounds so familiar to my first PWD relationship...except the roles were reversed. He is a member here, so I never like to say too much or be disrespectful. But please understand that this is not normal nor should you feel weird for having unwavering feelings. It’s complete immaturity on their parts...and I suspect not having true feelings as well? Trust me, when you find someone who truly wants to be with you, you’ll know it. You shouldn’t have to question or doubt that much. Obviously no relationship is perfect, but if you both are in it, you’re in it...you’ll figure it out and make it work. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all that. I know how much it can take a toll on a person. <3
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Post by devogirl on Nov 30, 2018 20:09:00 GMT -5
Sorry this has happened to you. It is really painful but unfortunately it happens all the time. It could be because of your disability, or maybe it's some issue she has. This kind of thing happens between ABs too. You have to be strong and refuse to get back together when she comes around again. It will not be different the next time. She has shown you who she is--she can't maintain a relationship. Don't sign up for more heartbreak.
A relationship with the right person will not be like this. Don't waste more time on her. Put your attention to finding someone else.
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brinzerdecalli
Full Member
I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
Posts: 217
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Nov 30, 2018 20:09:23 GMT -5
vegmama I'm sorry that you have gone through that too... Definitely no fun. I can work with immaturity, but if it's something else, then there is no improvement from that. It will keep looping until I find someone who makes it so I don't have a void in my life for her to fill, or vice versa. The net experience is enjoyable and I am not left hurting much more after as before, so I see no reason to not let her keep doing this, ya know? Is that selfish and immature on my side? Am I stopping her from getting over me by being so welcoming and understanding? Love doesn't mean you do what is good for yourself, but what is good for them, even if it hurts. I guess true love is when those two are the same? lol
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brinzerdecalli
Full Member
I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
Posts: 217
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Nov 30, 2018 20:19:02 GMT -5
devogirl Trust me, I look with all my heart and mind, but I don't see why I should cut her off, should she come back again, when I don't have anything else going on right now... If I do then sure, anyone gets priority over her, but why give up the pleasure and experience for no gain? Heartbreak feels not much different than just being single and perpetually rejected as such dating is for me, and I assume most but exaggerated for people with my level of disability. Maybe that is just maturity or maybe I've grown detached from my emotions? haha
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Post by Green on Nov 30, 2018 20:43:48 GMT -5
What you describe makes me think she has a very strong pattern of this. Like she is severely maladapted to relationships. While it is very disrespectful of her to treat you that way, if you care about her and don't think you should cut her off, you would probably want to bring up her mental health. She might be truthful, but also feeling very confused what to do with her emotions. She might feel more confused than you.
Love means doing what is good for yourself, because you can't say I love you without first saying "I". There are two people here, so if you are ending up hurting yourself or she hurts you, it harms the relationship. Still, I wouldn't let it go! See what she's willing to do. You didn't tell us everything of course, but if she was my girlfriend, I would be seriously concerned she is bipolar and not treating it well enough or at all. She doesn't sound like just some girl that ghosted you and didn't really try to reconnect.
But let's suppose she just isn't relationship material for you because she doesn't even acknowledge there is a problem. I understand being disabled makes it difficult, but you don't want to set yourself up for misery as if you don't deserve better. You could be her friend still, without being in a relationship. Maybe she's just someone you want to have a sexual relationship with sometimes. You would have to acknowledge that it's not because you want a relationship with her, but more so you want a sexual interaction to cherish. Even if not that, you can remain her friend.
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Post by Braced4Impact on Nov 30, 2018 20:50:01 GMT -5
Ditch her, she's toxic to you.
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brinzerdecalli
Full Member
I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
Posts: 217
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Nov 30, 2018 21:29:40 GMT -5
Green Yeah, she admits she has something wrong with her, but doesn't have time to work on it, so instead she focuses on her education and career; she graduates this year from an Ivy League School so she is heavily pressured. I just try to be very supportive and put no pressure on her. I want more than sex but can accept if that was all I can get from her, even though when we're together there's definitely more there than normal infatuations, and we can't stay very casual. Even without titles, it becomes serious until we sporadically break up. I still try keeping my eyes open, just may not obsess over finding a companion and partner while I am not wanting... I know I "deserve" more, am worthy of more, but until the opportunity for more comes along, from her or another equally amazing individual, you take less. Just as you can't stop looking for love and comfort everywhere, you can't be closed to situations changing and a rainforest growing from a desert... @braced4impact Is drinking toxic water really worse than being always dehydrated until you stumble upon an oasis, assuming it won't kill you? Never know how long the well will remain drinkable and as long as it keeps having flow, I'll keep digging. Maybe it will lead to a hidden reservoir? Not likely, not expected, but not impossible...
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brinzerdecalli
Full Member
I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
Posts: 217
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Nov 30, 2018 22:01:57 GMT -5
Oh and Green I disagree with love being about "I". In a healthy relationship, your love is a given, and it is only a mutual and guaranteed "You love me!" that should be considered. I think that the mindset of "I" being the focus of the statement taints it, and results in this very situation. "I love you" is the act of control, "I" being the actor, has the power to give love, but not guarantee it in return. "I love you" not because it's good for me to do so but because I do... Can't have more reason than that or else we are just talking about need satisfaction and stimulations. It starts that way, but once I love someone it becomes unbridled and unconditional, metaphysical and perhaps magical. I don't give out love easily though...
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Post by Corey on Nov 30, 2018 22:10:00 GMT -5
It sounds like you know that she is taking advantage of you, but don't care, because you want to have sex with her. I think there are several Nine Inch Nails songs about this very scenario. I can get that, but you should protect yourself, so that you don't get hurt again. This will be very hard to do. If you're not comfortable with the idea of not treating her well, then you should not see her at all.
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brinzerdecalli
Full Member
I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
Posts: 217
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Nov 30, 2018 22:26:01 GMT -5
@corey Well, how do you define "taking advantage"? The only thing she doesn't give that I would like is constancy and reliability. But then does not single life take advantage of me the same? And once again it is far more complex than the desire for sex... Why don't people understand that? If I could distill the raw need it would be the desire to be desired by that which I desire... and willingness to be loved and love in turn. I don't really get "hurt"... Life just hurts sometimes. Not much more pain comes from a breakup than just not having a relationship or something close to it. hahaha
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Post by Mets on Nov 30, 2018 22:45:26 GMT -5
Not much more pain comes from a breakup than just not having a relationship This is your answer. If breaking up is no worse than just being single all together, it’s pretty hard to think that you really love her. And if you don’t really love her, I really think what you’re doing is totally fine. Go hang out and be friends and be intimate and have sex when she’s interested, and live your single life when she’s not.
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Post by wonk on Nov 30, 2018 23:08:18 GMT -5
Buy a race car, the love is amazing until it breaks your heart, but all you need is money to fix the love!
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brinzerdecalli
Full Member
I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
Posts: 217
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Nov 30, 2018 23:08:41 GMT -5
@steve How don't you just move on if she is not interested in something more or at that time? What do you gain by cutting her out of your life, or rejecting her sexual and emotional advances? Love doesn't have to mean pain. That happens when you are hurt because it's not returned; the selfish part of love. But don't you mistake, I love her with all my heart, but it's that love that lets happen what will happen and doesn't let it bother me much. What good would that do to be so stuck on someone that it tears you up so bad that you can't hold them when they want to be held? I don't think that is love, that is just weakness. Love is strong and selfless. Now that all said, love has to be in time and with full investment, so if I love someone else, who wants exclusivity, and she [the girl I've been talking about] decides she loves me again then she [the girl I've been talking about] must practice the same selflessness. Accept it is not her time now.
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brinzerdecalli
Full Member
I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
Posts: 217
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Nov 30, 2018 23:11:20 GMT -5
Buy a race car, the love is amazing until it breaks your heart, but all you need is money to fix the love! I don't understand, how does a race car break your heart? haha
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