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Post by SouthernCalGal on Dec 18, 2018 21:46:02 GMT -5
I feel guilty. I have never physically cheated but...what about mentally and emotionally? Haven’t most of us already done that?
Don't feel guilty! There's no such thing as cheating mentally. It's only a problem if you are neglecting your partner, ignoring his needs or not being there for him. Everyone thinks about other people during sex--it's totally normal. Even the most vanilla people have their personal porno reel in their minds. If watching or reading something devvy, or seeing some hot guy turns you on and you channel that energy back into sex with your husband that you both enjoy, there's nothing wrong with that. And please don't tell yourself that posting here is a form of cheating. No! It's a form of self-care. Do you really think you could be a better partner if you denied and repressed your feelings, deleted your membership and did not allow yourself to participate? Eventually that self-denial turns into resentment, which is toxic to a relationship. Let go of the guilt and you will be a better partner.
You Rock devogirl!!!
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Post by SouthernCalGal on Dec 18, 2018 23:03:06 GMT -5
devogirl, I also wanted to add a thank you. Sometimes, I think my age has a lot to do with my thinking. Your response post was so refreshing ! I think (know) there are others who will gain from it too !
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Post by devogirl on Dec 19, 2018 4:53:06 GMT -5
You're welcome! I'm glad it's helpful to you. This is something that I wrestled with a lot as I was deciding to marry an AB man. I was very very lucky to find an open-minded guy--when I told him about being a dev, he wasn't threatened at all. My personal decision was to keep posting here but stop exchanging PMs and emails with PWDs, which I had done when I was single. I offered to let him see my accounts to prove I wasn't flirting with anyone else, but he was like "No, that's ok, the message board is your private thing." It really changed my thinking to realize I could have some dev fantasy space that would not threaten our relationship.
The other thing that really helped me a lot was Savage Love, the advice column and podcast. I realized after reading/listening for years that thinking about someone else during sex is super common, and not something to feel guilty about. Dan's advice is always to plow that energy back into your relationship. He also advocates open relationships, which is not something I personally want at this point in my life, but even for people who choose monogamy, his advice is to acknowledge that you will sometimes be attracted to other people and have a plan for how to deal with that constructively, rather than the negative feedback loop of denial, repression, resentment and destruction.
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Post by Emma on Dec 20, 2018 1:07:43 GMT -5
I love Dan Savage too. Its great you have you here as our dev version of him giving the same type of advice.
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Temptation
Dec 23, 2018 22:11:56 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Celaena on Dec 23, 2018 22:11:56 GMT -5
Definitely love seeing the varying perspectives here! I've been with my AB SO for 9 years and he knows all about my love of "wheelchair stories." I've told him all about this board and he doesn't have a problem with it and even encourages it when he sees movies/TV/books with disabilities in them.
He hasn't yet agreed to buy a used chair off craigslist and let me make out with him, but being honest about it definitely added another layer of intimacy to our relationship. I wouldn't ever be able to have a fling with someone... when I have dreams about being with someone else, I wake up feeling so guilty and tell him immediately and he always laughs at me. I think he just ticks off more boxes for me than anyone else ever could, so even if it were alright with him, I couldn't do it.
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Post by SouthernCalGal on Dec 28, 2018 23:14:11 GMT -5
So, not sure if this is the right thread but I will post here anyway. So, today my SO and I were driving home from lunch and we were stopped at a light. A middle-aged quad was crossing in the crosswalk in an electric wheelchair. I spotted him, went into a mild DEV response, glanced at SO who was watching him then my SO turned and looked at me and smiled. I died. I think he might have a hint (based on my Amazon book picks )??!! Who knows!!! Just had to share. A day in the life of a DEV who is married to an AB person??!!
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