Totally confused - Dev-sisters, please help!

[linda]

Dear fellow Dev-sisters,

it’s been almost a week now since I came back from my fantastic trip to Helsinki. It has been wonderful. Apart from the good time there (some of you might have come across some pictures, I hope we didn’t overdo it, but it was just so much fun...) I am most grateful for this unique opportunity to explore my devness. But also very very confused.

I really do hope that the „dev-only“ requirement for reading this thread is getting respected. I‘ve always been very closed up about anything sex-related and never even talked about it with my best friend. In a way, the anonymity here helps a bit. Since I‘ve been wondering so much lately, I really would like to hear your opinions or experiences on this.

So here it is: I‘ve joined PD only about two months ago. That was the time when I had admitted to myself for the first time that I am a dev. I had been sick for a while, absent from work and plenty of time to finally confront myself with something that I had tried to avoid for all my life. Well, most of you have been there... I was lucky to get the chance to spend one week with a para (a really great person on top. Which goes without saying. I wouldn’t have made the trip in the first place otherwise, but still nice to see expectations getting confirmed...)

Whenever I had devvy fantasies in the past, they were not sex-related. They were scenes from movies, absolutely every-day-life stuff from para lives, that I remember to have triggered my devness in the past, like from childhood on. Those have been very few, maybe two or three, very short sequences. But those were my fantasies that I could totally rely on. In all the years of unfulfilled relationships with AB men, or on my own.

After I had joined PD and really consciously got to deal with my devness, I already noticed that those fantasies somehow didn’t work as well anymore. I felt like numb, somehow disconnected. I didn’t think too much about it then, because very soon I got into intensive contact with the para guy, and the trip to Finland started to get shape. So I thought that would get solved anyways. But when I was there, exploring my devness in real intimate situations, I noticed that it was the same. Like my devness was gone, at least when it came to erotic situations. It was still great. Simply because he is a wonderful, sensitive and also a quite experienced man, as far as I can tell (I don’t want to go more into detail, but I think I‘m not telling a secret here). But I was totally surprised how I did not or almost not get aroused by his paralysis.

I did have devvy moments. I came to remember the thread „the stillness of the legs“, and I could totally relate to that. It was just beautiful and made me feel and totally wanting to be tender and gentle. But not really in an erotic way. It was more a kind of feeling that I never had before.
And also in general it was of course nice and interesting to watch how things go. I was so totally unexperienced, I didn’t even know the most basic things that obviously every other dev knows about disabilities, since I have never really read anything. I think it was sometimes even quite amusing to him...

But anyways, now I find myself totally confused and lost. Even a bit frustrated. Because I have the feeling that my devness let me down. The one thing I could count on during all these years or even decades does not work anymore. And I wonder what is going on. Could it be the guilt, after all? Like some kind of contra-reaction to me having too soon or too intensively confronted myself with the whole subject? I am a person who easily feels guilt and always ready for self-criticism. But I don’t know. I have read a bit in „dev lows are dull“, but could it really be that, right after realizing, it starts to fade away? That seems crazy to me.

I really hope that it’s ok to share this here. It feels very personal. Well, it is. I hope you don’t mind and I hope you experienced devs have some enlightening ideas for me. Thank you so much in advance. And I‘m really grateful for PD, a place where I feel secure enough to post even this.

[raindrop]

Hi Linda,
First, the guys here do read the posts, they just dont comment.
Second, I really feel for you. My heart was breaking a bit for you because you are trying to fit yourself into a preconceived box of ideals of a dev and almost disappointed with yourself.
Every person is different and that includes devotees.
I like dev fiction. At first, I really didnt know if I fit in until I talked to another dev. She helped me realize that each to their own.

Give yourself time to explore and talk just be who you want to be.

Your pictures were amazing! I wish I had such an amazing tour guide in Helsinki when I was there!!!

Message me anytime. I am kinda in your shoes as I just joined in January.

[pam]

I'm afraid I dont have any real life experiences so I can't help. I do understand what you are saying and I hope you can get good advice and work it out to where you understand your feelings.

[linda]

Thanks to all,who commented for your kind answers so far. I‘m a bit shocked that everybody gets to read it, but so what. I rather appreciate the chance to get some answers.

[Emma]

Yeah it sucks, but the dudes do read posts here so I think the best info you will get will be via PM. I'll PM you as well.

[feelsunshine]

I’ll shoot you a PM as well

[robbb]

Hi Linda, I don't have any real life experience with a PWD to offer any advice but I do agree with raindrop when she says

Apr 23, 2019 20:01:07 GMT -5 raindrop said:

Second, I really feel for you. My heart was breaking a bit for you because you are trying to fit yourself into a preconceived box of ideals of a dev

Few things that we have never experienced in life turn out to be as we expect when we do experience them.

If I have learned one thing about my devness over the years it is that it changes and evolves. I suspect that is happening quickly for you at the moment, maybe too quickly. Something intensely private has changed to realising you are not alone, to meeting other devs, to meeting a PWD in the real world. Big changes in a short time that will always be difficult in some ways.

You'll get there.

R.x

[lisa]

First of all, a very late welcome to you! I'm very happy for you that you had the possibilitiy for a real life experience so soon.

I remember my first days on PD, I met a wheeler on here on my third day after joining or something (back when there was still an active chat room on the board) and have been dating him for over a year ;-). That has been quite an experience for me, too. I hadn't really explored my devness in depth (maybe I haven't now, I don't know, but surely more profundely than back then) and didn't know what to expect. Well, it certainly was different than I had imagined. And the first meeting wasn't really devvy, because I was kind of overwhelmed with everything that happened and that I had to do and think of. It all got better after a while though. I still have to confess, that my fantasy encounter usually are much more eeh, satisfactory than the real life ones. I think it's usually because I need to be really relaxed to be able to get aroused and this just doesn't happen that often with a disabled guy right in front of me...

So I think you can just look what the future brings. Don't put too much pressure on you because you aren't fulfilling all the expectations. The expectations you have of yourself are mostly the highest ones. Take your time to explore these things. Sexuality is a strange thing and in my experience it often behaves totally against anything I thought to know about it. I wish you the best of luck!

[Deleted]

I'm in a relationship with a pwd and I would have to say that it's been great but my fantasies were probably better. It's hard to explain, but in our dreams we are free to imagine and interperate them in any way, whereas although I appear to be "living the dream" reality is very different. We still have all the normal relationship issues and all the aspects that I first found very devvy have somehow almost just become "normal" and it's taken away my fantasy.
I'm at a definite crossroads in my life and have been trying to separate my Dev attraction from my actual reality as I'm not sure the relationship is really working.
So I, for one, would definitely say that sometimes real life isn't quite what we thought when we wished so hard for it. I hope you settle your thoughts and move on in a positive way x

[SouthernCalGal]

robbb, you said exactly what I was thinking and similar to what I was going to write. 

I mentioned somewhere here on PD that I was bothered by the restaurant scene in The Upside. It brought a realization to me that maybe a first encounter would not go as my dreamy DEV head has dreamed about. What happens if I freaked out for whatever reason? What happens if DEV feelings weren’t as strong as they are in my DEV dreams? Then f$&@ing what? 

linda, when I read your post it really brought up the thoughts I had after that scene in the movie.

Maybe, some of us DEVs are overthinking this. There is this part of me that believes I am a DEV for a particular reason-I still haven’t figured the answer to that one yet. But, hope to one day 😊.

linda, you looked like you had a great time-enjoy and embrace the experience for what it was and continue to connect and explore. I don’t want to simplify this and respect your thoughts and feelings. Perhaps we just need to give ourselves a break.

P.S. I was living vicariously through you for that week 😂😂.

[linda]

Thanks to all of you for the great input. It does help to understand better, and I really appreciate it.

Despite my thoughts regarding my devness, I do not regret for a single second the wonderful adventure and the fantastic company. It has been a really extraordinary week for me, and that stands for absolutely every part of it. So no need to feel sorry for me. I feel totally blessed.

You all are great people.

[Inkdevil]

linda, what you described was exactly the way I felt after my first dev/para encounter. I was in parts disappointed and relieved that I wasn’t really sexually aroused by being intimate with someone with my ‘ideal’ disability.

I’d spent so many secret years (40ish) with this dev thing as a fantasy only, that when I got to play it out IRL, I was extremely shocked by how ‘normal’ it all was. I thought I’d spontaneously combust, or climax on the spot, or something dramatic like that. But I really had to work at it on the sex front.

I’ve been in another relationship with a PWD since that first encounter and I’m currently in a relationship now with a lovely para guy. In all these situations I have had the same feelings in intimate situations - in terms of not having a huge sexual buzz.

I’m not a person with a very high sex drive and sex (for me) is obviously just a very small part of my devness. These days I appreciate that it allows me to enjoy a ‘normal’ relationship, where sex is great, but ultimately just one part of the whole picture. Like it would be in an AB/dev set up. That makes me feel less guilty, less wrong and more accepting of my attraction.

Everyone, every dev, is different. The sex part means something different to each and every one of us. Don’t beat yourself up about it, think that your feelings are wrong, or that you are less of a dev. You are just on a different bit of the spectrum.

I enjoy the everyday stuff the most. Days out, nice meals and being let into my boyfriend’s life to see everything from his POV. I feel very comfortable immersing myself in that life. Sex is just one part of the time we spend together. I enjoy it all. It just feels right. I hope you can take the same feeling from the time you had and go on to explore your devness more in the future.

[bluefox]

*necromances thread*
I'm in pretty much the exact same situation right now.
About a day after joining, I fell into the deepest low I've had since I was even able to realize that I am a dev, and I've always considered it quite a big part of me and my normal is what most would probably consider a slight devo high. Currently, it's on my mind 24/7 how I have no idea where that part went and whether it'll ever return. From what I've read on here, whether you want it or not, devness doesn't go away entirely, it can fade even for years but will eventually come back. At this point I'm just hoping that's true and am relying on it.
Have others apart from Linda and I experienced this post-PD-join extreme low or do I have a reason to worry?

Also, in my case this comes after a year full of every fascination or hobby of mine fading on me without a replacement, with me mourning it - by that I mean not wanting to give up on it because it's still what makes me me and what I used to enjoy, in some cases, since my childhood. All this as well faded after thinking about it too much. All that started after a bad breakup (with an AB guy, so no connection there) and I'm figuring I might just be having a really, really bad case of hidden depression (yes, that's a thing) since I have a history with that.

I'm really counting on you to answer me, so that even if all of us can't directly help me with this I can at least feel like someone's there to listen ^^"
Seeing as the guys read here, PM is also very welcome but up to you.

[devogirl]

Relax! If I have learned anything over the years it's that the dev feelings will always come back. For me the dev lows can be frustrating because it feels like nothing is interesting. Sometimes I can kick start it by reading/watching devvy things. There's no reason to worry that you are losing your dev identity.

In your case, it does sound like you are suffering from depression. If you find that you can't enjoy anything that you used to and your life feels empty, it may be time to talk to a therapist. If you deal with the cause of the depression (whether it's situational or from a brain chemistry or hormone imbalance) the dev feelings will come back eventually.

[bluefox]

Ah, thanks for that... :$ I actually am seeing a therapist already for something else, but I've had an appointment a week for one and a half years and it didn't help with anything yet, not with the problem thst originally made me get appointments there, not with what I guess is depression... And while in Germany, one doesn't have to pay the appointments the waiting lists for therapists are so long... can take a year.

As for the kick-starting, I've tried most of what I usually enjoy devness-wise except devo fiction... so I'll look into consciously trying, thank you... :/

I also relate completely to the feeling like nothing at all is exciting enough during dev lows... I think we're all just spoiled because we (usually) have something to get so enthusiastic about in the first place

Damn... all this clinging to/not wanting to get rid of it makes me feel kinda weird about myself again, and I haven't for years. But that's probably not as unusual among us as I'm making myself think right now?

Also huge thanks for the dose of hope ;_;"