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Post by LaMara on May 4, 2019 10:59:46 GMT -5
I spent so many years worrying about what my friends would think if I came out as a dev and I’m sure I’m not the only one struggling with the idea. But today something brought a smile to my face: so as it happens there will be a HUGE para cycling event in my best friend’s town (I live in a different country). She was one of the first people I told I was a dev and even though she didn’t really understand the concept at first (she thought I was into pwds because of low self esteem or trauma) she’s always been supportive. I don’t usually joke about dev stuff with non devs but I did joke about the irony of her being in town for the para cycling event and me being far away, and she offered to go for me and take pictures/videos! Even though she couldn’t care less! It didn’t feel awkward, just a genuine and innocent offer to do something for a friend without any judgement whatsoever! I guess my point is: if you’re worried about your friends thinking you’re weird, there’s a good chance they might surprise you! Did any of your non dev friends do something “devvy” for you?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 4, 2019 12:13:17 GMT -5
My friends also try to be supportive. My one friend went on a trip a few weeks ago and she sent me a photo of a wheeler who was sitting in the bar close to her. I was surprised and found it super sweet. I asked her what she told her hubby when she took the picture and she said she did it all in secret and acted like she was fiddling with her phone. I thought it was sweet of her to go to these lengths. This same friend also informed that she keeps seeing a wheeler at her gym but she already told me he is too young for me and then I joke "Is he really?" I know my friends would be supportive if I would want to go to an event or something but there is just not many opportunities for it. I really am happy for you LaMara and hope you get some nice pics.
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Post by feelsunshine on May 4, 2019 12:50:04 GMT -5
My only friend who knows that I've once went out with a guy in a wheelchair (she knows like "Ok, I just wanted to know how it is to date a guy in a wheelchair"). Never talked more into detail about it... well she once forwarded a newspaper article about a guy in our region looking for a job... talking about difficulties in job interviews as a PWD and so on. So she sent me this article, saying "hey, can't you get him a job in your company, that could be someone for you"... Well we didn't have any jobs that would have matched his profile. So I thought it was kind of nice that she sent that article to me, however, I also thought "don't want to get hooked up with people - doesn't make a difference if its an AB or PWD. Just let me find the guys on my own, please.
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Post by linda on May 4, 2019 14:23:15 GMT -5
I have not yet really made this kind of experience with a friend, maybe simply because it’s also just so new (it’s been not even three months since I found out about being a dev), so maybe not too many chances for my friends to think of me in that way. But since you mention having kept it a secret for so long and also the others here mentioning to not having talked with many friends about it, I just wanted to say that I was very surprised about how positive the reactions of the friends were I told about it. I had expected them to be shocked and think of me as weird as well. Not at all. Most of them were totally ok with it and even understanding, one was a little bit confused but still open about it and not judgemental. I have told about 10 people by now. So after all it was a great relief for me to see how they took it. I wouldn’t want to hide such an important side of myself to the friends I feel really close to.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 4, 2019 14:48:21 GMT -5
I haven't felt it necessary to tell anyone, but that maybe because I had so many negative reactions from friends and family when I first started the relationship with my boyfriend. It's been a long time now, so they have all had the chance to get to know him but I still get "he is a really great guy but can't you find anyone without a disability ?" It makes me so angry that I have to justify our life to people. So sadly, I guess that's why I won't take the risk of actually saying how attractive I find disabled men.
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Post by feelsunshine on May 4, 2019 14:50:53 GMT -5
@delight That’s so sad that people think this way...
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Post by pam on May 4, 2019 22:52:46 GMT -5
I dont think there is really any point in me telling any if my friends. I'm not looking for dates and most of my friends are married so we dont talk about who we are attracted to. They talk mainly about their husbands. Even if I did mention it, they would think it was odd.i dont think they would say anything rude but would probably find it a little weird. I have not told anyone except the people here on PD
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Post by Emma on May 5, 2019 1:42:33 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2019 12:41:58 GMT -5
I guess for me I wanted to add it was really a thing about my three best friends should know what is going on with me because it is such a huge thing and has such a very big impact on my life and on me. It really is a part of who I am as a person. It is not so much about "yeah, by the way I think guys in wheelchairs are hot" and we all laugh and stuff, but for me it is about confiding in them what is sometimes going on with me because it is not always a happy thing and if affects me so much sometimes. And they should know because then we talk about it if need be. We are all middle age women so life is all but shiny and fun, even in our marriages. We have all been married very long and so our lives and we have changed over time and are dealing with a load of stuff so this is just one other thing thrown in the mix of trying to make it through life and keep our marriages/relationships alive or not and our heads above water. We talk about a lot of stuff including about men, not only our husbands... We have a lot going on really, definitely not all happy. My friends know that I'm open to exploring my devness outside my marriage, heck, even my husband knows that and so it is a very big deal. That's why they needed to know this in my personal situation.
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Post by linda on Sept 23, 2019 15:22:43 GMT -5
I haven't felt it necessary to tell anyone, but that maybe because I had so many negative reactions from friends and family when I first started the relationship with my boyfriend. It's been a long time now, so they have all had the chance to get to know him but I still get "he is a really great guy but can't you find anyone without a disability ?" It makes me so angry that I have to justify our life to people. So sadly, I guess that's why I won't take the risk of actually saying how attractive I find disabled men. Dear @delight, I find the reaction of the people around you incredibly rude and dumb and I totally understand your anger. If I was confronted with that kind of reaction, I couldn’t but point it out even more clearly how attractive the man is to me. Like a counter reaction. It would drive me so mad that I just couldn’t help it. Out of the need to rehabilitate him in a way, if you know what I mean. It has just been very recent that my para boyfriend and I became a couple and we haven’t met any people yet in my surrounding, except for the friends who know about my devness anyways or at least know that my boyfriend is disabled. No one of them would ever react in such a disrespectful way. But reading your post makes me think how it is going to be from now on. Only thinking about it drives me into warrior mood...
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bluefox
Junior Member
Posts: 60
Gender: Non-binary
Dev Status: Devotee
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Post by bluefox on Sept 23, 2019 15:31:40 GMT -5
Well, apart from some online friends I personally have only told it irl once which was this weekend and to a good friend of mine who I, when the conversation unexpectedly got to it, gave a rather clear hint to about a month ago and then spilled the tea on the rest over the past three days - since she also has her own thing (which she's insanely closeted about) she's really cool with it. At first, she said she wanted to ask me stuff about it, but I kind of ended up forcing the topic on her... I just needed to pour my heart out to her. I feel it ended up being so one sided and awkward because I was forced to tell her boyfriend as well, she won't spend even 10 minutes apart from him and they've been together for about a year - so there's no really having 'girl's talk'. She says she's afraid to leave for a couple of minutes because she doesn't feel emotionally stable at all without him but since she apparently can do so when it suits her, I don't really believe her, but that's a different issue.
That really wasn't the worst part though. I told her about all three of my main preferences, the community and about how I'm currently discovering that I might additionally be into stuttering, and she then went on to kind of halfway mock me with it, made her boyfriend fake a stutter (is she even aware that that has me getting a devo kick to the memory now that I've forgotten how bad the faking was plus with my devo mind imagining it had been the real thing? I'm sure she doesn't want me having odd thoughts about _her_ boyfriend.) and googled up a sound file of someone's stutter -
The first problem here is videos, sound files and still pictures of devo things or generally good looking guys that I have no control over whether to look at or listen to tend to terrify me in any case because I WILL find every single flaw in a matter of minutes before I notice anything positive and it makes the relationship to person or topic turn so painfully weird and secondly I certainly don't want anyone consciously setting off my devo side like that in front of a semi stranger like her boyfriend is to me. Thirdly, the sound file was of a young boy - sorry, but what does she even think of me? Us devos might be outside the norm, but we're not pedophiles...
I'm sure she meant well since she knows that I'm having a really bad low and how I'm hating that, but that was just wrong on a pile of levels. Well meant doesn't always mean well done... ,_,
Let's hope her plans of finding someone to hook me up with go better... :v I know her, she WILL try, and I'm far from opposed to it. (':
Excuse the block of text, but that was quite a horrible unexpected experience... :$ I was really looking foward to getting this off my chest on here. (:"
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rebeca
Full Member
Posts: 162
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
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Post by rebeca on Sept 24, 2019 6:03:02 GMT -5
Reading this has been quite enlightening. I've never worried about being a dev, you like who you like. I and my best friend in school would fantasise together about having sex with blind men and how erotic it would be. Doubt she thinks of herself as a devotee or even knows the word!
I've always told all AB men I have dated that disabled men turn me on, and most of my girlfriends know I am turned on my disabled men..it wasn't an big 'coming out' thing for me. It's what I find sexy. and what I find sexy is such a small part of me. Everyone I've ever said this to has been "oh cool" kind of reaction. Maybe my friends are all like me and nothing is a big deal, really.
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Post by feelsunshine on Sept 24, 2019 12:09:10 GMT -5
Reading this has been quite enlightening. I've never worried about being a dev, you like who you like. I and my best friend in school would fantasise together about having sex with blind men and how erotic it would be. Doubt she thinks of herself as a devotee or even knows the word! I've always told all AB men I have dated that disabled men turn me on, and most of my girlfriends know I am turned on my disabled men..it wasn't an big 'coming out' thing for me. It's what I find sexy. and what I find sexy is such a small part of me. Everyone I've ever said this to has been "oh cool" kind of reaction. Maybe my friends are all like me and nothing is a big deal, really. Wow, you seem to be the first dev here who I read who is or was not confused or anything when initially finding out. So how was your dev-evolution like? Have you been confused or not knowing where to put your feelings at all? When did you find out that you like PWDs?
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Post by SouthernCalGal on Sept 24, 2019 12:10:11 GMT -5
That's a very liberating way to live life rebeca ! Good for you!! I want to say your age probably makes your outlook different then for some of us who are older. I'm in my 50's. Times were different when I was growing up and shame was standard in some upbringings for things that did not seem "normal" including sexual orientations and such. Good for you to be living so openly !
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rebeca
Full Member
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Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
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Post by rebeca on Sept 24, 2019 16:33:57 GMT -5
That's a very liberating way to live life rebeca ! Good for you!! I want to say your age probably makes your outlook different then for some of us who are older. I'm in my 50's. Times were different when I was growing up and shame was standard in some upbringings for things that did not seem "normal" including sexual orientations and such. Good for you to be living so openly ! Hmm there's probably something in what you say. But there's so many devs here who are so much younger than me even on this board, and don't they feel closeted about it too? I think it would be normal too. I grew up in small town India in the 80s, let me tell you there was no openness about even heterosexuality let alone anything else! Most people in their 50s now who grew up in first world countries have similar experiences to me. I'm going to qualify my last post: I told my AB partners that disabled men turned me on, when I was actually in a relationship with them (not casual partners for sure). I did that because otherwise I would be sexually unfulfilled. And what would be the point of that? AB men were very amenable to be tied up and blindfolded, to fulfill my dev fantasies. So I didn't see any point in keeping my desires hidden. If they judged me, well then I'd show them where the door was. But no one did. I guess what am I saying is that people can be a lot more open than we think. I would start a conversation like " So do you have any fetishes? What do you like in bed? " And then smoothly hit them with the disabled men bomb! As for friends, they're the people who have accepted me as I am when no one else has. So it wasn't a big issue for me to tell them what turns me on. Here's the crux: I am a writer, I get rejected everyday, and I put out my deepest self in those stories and novels. Things that I could never express adequately. That gets read, judged, rejected or accepted and that determines my self worth. So I guess it's a constant practice of keeping my own center. Knowing rejection can happen, but not worrying about it. To live as authentically as possible. Does that make sense?
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