People ghosting when they find out you are in a wheelchair

[Green]

I'm thinking mostly of a dating or at least getting to know people with dating potential (that is, people who are single and are probably open to a relationship or something casual).

When I use a dating site like OKCupid, I don't get any responses. I probably should improve my profile, so it is partly on me that I don't get messages. The problem is, I get concerned sometimes that if I were not in a power wheelchair, they would get to know me. There's not much way to know though, because they see the wheelchair right away. The same would go for people in person that I meet. The simplest explanation is that mainly they just aren't that into who I am. Perfectly fine.

I see a difference though when I post on something like Reddit where somebody sees a picture several messages down the road, or if I don't share picture, I tell them just as soon that I am in a wheelchair. They can get to know you, have a rapport, and it all sounds great. I don't wait very long. The thing is though, this is when people disappear. Sometimes it happens with people who either say looks don't matter much, at least because they are open to just friends as well. It seems consistent enough that there isn't much else explanation.

Recently I got to know someone through a few messages. We clicked pretty well. She said she would really like to meet me in person next week. It wasn't a big deal for her to see a picture, she didn't even ask. So the next message I responded to a few other things, but also added that as a heads up I am in a wheelchair, so she wouldn't be surprised (and I like some kind of expectation of the things we could do together). I didn't make a big deal about it. It was only one sentence. I got responses really quickly before that. A few days later, I sent a message expanding on something very short. A few days after that, I ask for confirmation that we are still on to meet. Maybe she was busy, not a big deal. A few days later, still nothing. So I just asked her if she ghosted, and why if she wouldn't mind telling me. Unlikely I will get a response, of course.

Are my thoughts realistic here? How common would it be to be scared off because of knowing about a wheelchair?

[lisa]

First, let me say, that I'm very sorry that this happened and happens to you!

I think, the thread about waiting mode might already have a few thoughts in it to start with. But a few things that pop into my head for your situation:

If somebody regularly wrote and suddenly stops, there is a reason for that and it most likely is either something came up in your conversation that bothers her or something unrelated to you came up (new acquaintance or something) and you're just not as interesting anymore as before for her. I think, both things already happened to me. It might be the wheelchair, but honestly, it could be anything. You never know. It happens to me and a lot of other people too, who are not disabled.

Getting to know people on the internet can be both very gratifying and very cruel. Gratifying, because you have the chance to meet and get to know people you would otherwise never encounter. And often you can do kind of a "pre-selection" to ensure you are at least more or less compatible regarding external factors. And cruel, because this is also true for all the other people out there. There are so many, so it's easy to just drop someone if there is a trait you don't particularly like in the first place (irregardless of the fact, whether it would still bother you in real life, I mean, after all, it's often just exchanging messages in the beginning). I'm often afraid that this will happen and it does happen quite often. But in this situation, I guess you could remember this phrase of yours about that they just aren't that into who you are. Lack of interest is cruel, still .

[Deleted]

I think it's best to be upfront about the fact you’re sitting in a wheelchair by making it clearly visible in your profile picture. This not only quickly weeds out people who have an issue with that, but demonstrates that you are comfortable with yourself and have nothing to hide. Ghosting is common for disabled and nondisabled people alike, though disabled people likely experience it more often. But you'll never truly know if that's the reason for being rejected and analysing this will not help you find someone.

[sy]

You should try Christian Mingle fam.

[Dr. BiPAP Sachin]

Dec 12, 2019 13:37:04 GMT -5 sy said:

You should try Christian Mingle fam.

hahaha

[newjess]

I have to agree I think being upfront about it from the get go is the best bet. This may absolutely be a personal thing, but it's a big turn off for me when a guy hides big compatibility things initially and then brings it up later, even if it's not that long after connecting. Like someone who doesn't mention they have a kid because they don't want it to immediately scare prospective matches off, etc. It just feels dishonest from the start and that's a huge issue for me.

That being said, I DO absolutely get why it seems like an okay idea and it's not necessarily meant to be harmful. Like you said, it seems like it would give a chance to connect a bit and maybe they would feel more comfortable with the idea. I just personally feel like that sort of thing rarely, if ever, ends well.

Being ghosted is never fun but my personal philosophy is, if they are interested in me then they'll show their interest. If someone stops responding or seems disinterested, then I don't put any more energy into it.

I've also had guys ask me why I wasn't interested, like after connecting briefly or after one date (I don't ghost, I will be upfront and let them know I'm not interested). And while I do get why they would want to know, it's just not a conversation I feel like having. If i dated someone for a while then yes, I'd absolutely have that conversation, but not with someone I barely know or didn't spend much time with.

If this girl ghosted you because you use a wheelchair or for some other reason, she's clearly just not the type of person for you. Regardless of what her reasons were, I'm not sure her answer would make much of a difference. At the end of the day, changing yourself to fit some sort of expectation is not healthy for any one involved.

Dating is hard. I think lisa put it really well. It can be so gratifying but so cruel

[Deleted]

I think the members who responded before me have really good points.
When i was dating, it would occasionally hapoen, like you say, that after seeming to connect they suddenly went quiet. Id send one more message after that but no more, its best to try and look at it in the way of at least you didnt waste anymore emotion or energy on someone who was clearly unsuitable.
As far as anything i thought important, i said it very early on so things would be clear. If you didnt mention your disability until youd messaged a lot, then maybe it was a major negative for her.....but it wont be that way for others.
Shake off any self doubt, move forward. There are good people out there x

[Green]

When it comes to profile pictures, I already show that I am in a wheelchair. It's just weird to me when pictures aren't immediately involved, and not immediately relevant, that people might be completely silent. Being in a wheelchair isn't comparable to having kids, it's not a compatibility factor like kids. It happens even when I'm not looking to date someone. If it matters to compatibility, I think it's on the same level if someone is a virgin. It could matter to some people, but it would seem silly. Yet it really does scare people off sometimes (never happened to me in the past, but I have heard of it happening to others). You don't immediately announce you are a virgin anymore than you need to immediately announce you are in a wheelchair.

Even if it were comparable to already having kids, it's not like it needs to be the first sentence out of your mouth. I'm more concerned about the people who really wouldn't care if I am in a wheelchair. I'm not sure if there are people who don't care that I am in a wheelchair, but would care if I didn't bring it up right away. My thinking is that trying to make it the number one topic to bring up wouldn't be so great to connect with the people who don't care. Although it does leave me vulnerable to the people who care since I'm not filtering them out as easily.

I guess I asked her why she ghosted because of my own minor social anxiety. If it were something else, I'd want to fix it.

[newjess]

Green I see what you mean. Like meeting someone online not in a dating specific realm. If you just strike up a conversation with someone online and there isn't that sort of "expectation" to be transparent immediately about stuff that affects dating, I agree that bringing up kids, disability, etc in that context is a lot different.

Again this may totally be a personal thing, but I do think disability and health stuff can be a pretty big compatibility factor. I say this from the perspective of someone who has been dealing with chronic health issues for several years, the onset of which completely changed the relationship I had with my long term partner at the time, and I have found to be incompatible with many types of people.

I don't think it's necessarily silly for this to be a compatibility issue, but just merely a reality. If someone is looking for a partner to summit Mt. Kilimanjaro with, I don't really fault them for looking for a partner who is physically able to do that (which I'm not due to my health stuff).

That being said, there are definitely those people that are just closed minded when it comes to disability, definitely not denying that.

Re-reading your OP, it does seem odd that this person didn't really care about seeing a picture before meeting in person, but then would get freaked out by a wheelchair. It is hard to say, but I think there are a bunch of other things it could be, including just them simply being a flaky person.

I do get wanting to know what caused the ghosting, I think that's natural. I just offered my perspective on that because I think realistically it's just unlikely you'd get a response in that regard, or that they would feel compelled to give a response about that if they've ghosted or aren't interested. I could be wrong on that, its just my perspective as a woman who has been asked that question

[britishtetra]

Believe it or not I have a been on online dating sites since 1996, yes that long! I have been on more websites than Insey Wincy, (that’s a spider), at the moment I am on another one Zoosk. I have been on it many times before, and paid the subscription. I had an online conversation with one lady the other day, which led to a video chat. And basically that was that.
When I wrote my first dating profile, I didn’t tell them that I was in a wheelchair, I was shy about the whole thing. How would a person react, I was testing the water so to speak. Dipping my toe into the big pond. One by one the admirers came, mainly based on my daft sense of humour, but still people wrote. Eventually one person did capture my attention, and we got on like a house on fire. But then I told her,, the honesty side of me came out. One by one and messages dried up, from messaging 4 to 5 times a day, dwindle down to eventually once a week. Then it was inevitable, they stopped.
So then I started to put up pictures of me sat in my electric wheelchair, in places of interest, National Trust buildings, football stadiums, to give the perspective that I was out and about. Hence no replies!
It was then that I found yahoo groups, and I learnt about devotees, but like most of us at the beginning; we thought we was Gods gift. It was a learning curve, one that I have embraced.
I am not trying to discourage you, I am not that type of person, on Wednesday I went down the spiritual route, I had a lady come in and give me a reading, it was to put my mind at rest, when my friend went to Switzerland. So perhaps in a couple of years it might come true.

Anyway good luck to you,

Pete

[c56sciguy]

Dec 15, 2019 5:17:22 GMT -5 britishtetra said:

I am not trying to discourage you, I am not that type of person, on Wednesday I went down the spiritual route, I had a lady come in and give me a reading, it was to put my mind at rest, when my friend went to Switzerland. So perhaps in a couple of years it might come true.

Hi,

What do you mean by a reading?  Does this relate to dating or something different?

[blueskye101]

Dec 16, 2019 14:24:27 GMT -5 c56sciguy said:

Dec 15, 2019 5:17:22 GMT -5 britishtetra said:

I am not trying to discourage you, I am not that type of person, on Wednesday I went down the spiritual route, I had a lady come in and give me a reading, it was to put my mind at rest, when my friend went to Switzerland. So perhaps in a couple of years it might come true.

Hi,

What do you mean by a reading?  Does this relate to dating or something different?

britishtetra, do you mean like Tarot card reading or something else?

[Mets]

Dec 12, 2019 16:46:59 GMT -5 Green said:

Being in a wheelchair isn't comparable to having kids, it's not a compatibility factor like kids.

I’ve read a lot of your posts and you normally seem pretty knowledgeable about these things, but I think this sentence is a bit telling, especially if you meant this as it sounds. Being in a wheelchair IS a compatibility factor, and in MANY different ways.

Some people want a partner that is physically stronger than them, or want a partner that can do difficult physical acts (whether it’s hiking or laundry or rough sex). For them, they can nearly immediately rule out a physically disabled person. Others (many) want to be with someone who is equal to their level of conventional attractiveness, and might find anyone with a unique body (short, or heavy, or disabled, or grey hair, or bad clothes, etc) off-putting. Then there are people who heavily seek a particular financial status, and most people are aware that disabled people are likely to have less income and more expensive needs.

It’s hard to put a number on it but if I had to guess, I’d bet that AT LEAST 90% of people would have no interest in dating someone with a significant disability. Luckily there are billions of people, so even if only 1 in a 1,000 people would consider it, that’s millions of people. You have to remember that in the context of online dating, it’s not just whether or not you’re worth talking to, it’s about if you’re more worthy of attention than the profile before you and the profile after you. There’s a pretty much infinite pool of single people, so people can have pretty high/specific standards and find matches quite easily.

To combat the stereotypes and the statistical struggle of being a PWD on a dating app, you just have to be as interesting and attractive as possible. It’s not fun having to put in more effort than your AB equivalents, but if you do, and you direct that effort wisely, there are plenty of people that will be interested in you.

[IcarusFellOnce]

Dating sites did yield some results... hookups... dating. BUT always had the best luck in person... would go out to bars and music venues... think that has a lot to do with ability though. For some of us, it is easier than others to get out there. SO not trying to say my method is the best. What has ALWAYS allowed me to meet the best people is groups that are organized around your personal passions and interests. Met the best people in my professional line of work, my volunteer work, and ESPECIALLY in adaptive sports (one of my favorite hobbies). People tend to find you more attractive (in general) when you're getting out there.. when they get to see your passion for something you love... and vice versa. Don't know if that makes sense or helps. My two cents. Sure online dating and this site can work and has worked for some out there. BUT.. my experience has been that I have always done better in person.

You should PM some of the people here that are offering their experiences. Never hurts to learn from the hard earned lessons of others. Best of luck and have fun with it.

[wonk]

You should really listen to Mets he is like Baby Yoda, all cute, but a 50 year old guy in a young mans body.