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Post by kryptic on Oct 3, 2007 16:20:36 GMT -5
People go out of their way to open doors for me…
Yet the doors to where I want to go through remain inaccessible
People stop and stare all the time…
Yet they can never see me
People often asks about my disability…
Yet rarely asks about me
Why are you in a wheelchair? Asks many strangers on the street
MOMMY MOMMY! Look at the handicapped man! As the curious child points and stares
Snickering in the background as I wait in line for my lunch
Homeless bums follow me asking for spare change
Waiting in the men’s restroom once again for the able-bodied man to finish taking a sh!t in the handicapped accessible toilet
Casually walking by me without even an apology
Punk ass teenagers bumping into me cause their too busy staring into ipods
Wannabe gangsters too busy acting all “hard” as they walk directly in my path, forcing me to move out of the way
Watching the paranoid people press the close button as I approach the elevator
Watching another BMW pull into that handicapped stall with no placard or plates
Watching him hop out of his car as he runs like the wind to meet his girlfriend
Watching another bus pass me by because it isn’t wheelchair accessible
I watch…
And I watch…
I watch the world built for the walking world from the wrong end of my binoculars
- Kryptic
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Post by Pony on Oct 3, 2007 18:26:41 GMT -5
Dude, another beautiful slice of reality-art!!! I'm a little jealous because most of my writings don't deal with the 'chair-life', as I think I avoid it out of fear. You know, not looking in the mirror, but I really dig your way of spelling it out nice and REAL. Reminds me of Def Poetry Jam, where spoken word performers don't hold back on the cold reality of life in da hood, or other adversity. I never saw a chairdude on the HBO series, but still think it would be cool as hell to see somebody SPEAK OUT on the experience. But, oh yeah, we're supposed to quietly endure...
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Post by Ouch on Oct 3, 2007 21:22:09 GMT -5
Kryptic speaks what many of us think.
Tony, don't feel bad. As many have seen, I have a rather limited spectrum of writing as well.
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Post by Pony on Oct 5, 2007 14:59:40 GMT -5
Well, in my case, Windride, I've written in many different formats, and subjects, but for some reason I've avoided the chair topic, which you would think that would be the burning issue in me. The few things I've written, I've posted here. And that's one positive thing about this site to me. It's given me a place to be open about the disability-thang. I'd like to say that I'm completely comfortable in my skin, and most people would say I am, but I'm still not after all these years.
I remember about three months after I got hurt, I had someone push me (I was still incapacitated) in front of glass doors so I could see myself. It shocked the fuck out of me, and it still does, at times.
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Post by Claire on Oct 5, 2007 17:18:55 GMT -5
Thanks guys, all of your, for your honest and heartfelt thoughts.
I am curious...where do devotees fit into this with you?
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Post by BA on Oct 5, 2007 19:55:52 GMT -5
krypitc, I don't often comment too much in the writings and poetry section as I find I have very limited time these days to really read it, but your sentiments above are bold and beautifully stated.
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Post by kryptic on Oct 6, 2007 4:33:45 GMT -5
Thanks guys, glad you’re finding my writings interesting. Sometimes, it’s not always easy to be as expressive and forthcoming when it comes to disability related issues. And ironically, I used to suck ass when it comes to reading and writing! LOL. I barely made it out of HS and was never one to frequent libraries. But I think, as far as my writings go, I’ve found it to be very therapeutic for me. A positive way to release my inner thoughts and emotions. It has provided a very good outlet for me and it certainly beats what I used to do in the past…snapping at people, hating the world, feeling sorry for myself, etc.
And ironically Tony, speaking of Def Poetry Jam, I can actually relate to the “ghetto life” as I myself have grown up in an environment of crime and poverty. Maybe not as bad as such places like Compton or Oakland but, bad enough where you really have to be extra vigilant and carry weapons on you at all times.
But I digress, lol, Tony & Windrider, I think you guys have written some really good poetry & articles! And I suspect, that our writings not only help ourselves as a useful and productive outlet, but also helps the Devs gain a unique perspective into the disabled mindset.
As many of you know, some of my writings attempt to reinforce that positive can-do attitude and ideology that, we are always in control of our lives. And that, success and failure is uniquely within our control. But I would be lying to you if I told you guys that I can start each and every day with this kind of mindset! LoL, hardly. I like anyone else, have my good days and bad days. And once in a while, I catch myself falling prey to the dark trappings of negative thoughts and self-pity. But at least when I do catch myself and realize what I am doing, I quickly try to find a way to snap myself out of it.
Whatever brings a smile to your face, do it! Whether it is listening to your favorite tunes, watching your favorite porno (((COUGH COUGH))) I mean, favorite movie or TV show, or just simply masturbate until you turn into a heaping glob of blob.
It’s hard to remain angry, bitter, or hateful if you’re flicking your nipples around or rubbing your…whatever. Right?
For me, a great way to purge myself of negative thoughts and emotions is to simply hop in my chair and push as hard and fast as I can possibly go till I am soaking with sweat. Not only does it help to release my dark energy, it also helps me to burn off that double cheeseburger, onion rings, and chocolate malt I just ate! LOL!
DAMN, for some strange reason I’m getting REALLY hungry now!
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Post by dolly on Oct 10, 2007 20:19:44 GMT -5
i really love this piece, kryptic. it's honest and frank and gives an unusually personal glimpse into your experience as a chairdude. i really dig it. thank you. more please!
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Post by kryptic on Oct 12, 2007 0:14:23 GMT -5
Thanks Dolly! Glad your diggin my writings...stay tuned
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Post by Claire on Oct 12, 2007 8:31:09 GMT -5
Loved your latest pieces, this and the PAIN one. Short and to the point, very honest, and well stated.
And I can relate to it on so many levels as well. Substitute "BIID" for some of those things (and I don't mean using a wheelchair but just the fact of having health issues, mental illness, being different) and it's spot on for me. For me, the pain is the mental illness. Having nowhere to go with it, and being regarded as disgusting or creepy or disturbing. The people who blithely tell you to "go get help" when you know there's no help available because you've already seen a psychotherapist, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a neurologist and a GP who all told you "I've never heard of this, this is too marginal, I can't help you, there's no treatment protocol for this, what do YOU think we should do?". Knowing it's for life. The constant fear of being found out.
The wheelchair-specific stuff is a quite different for me. For me, a wheelchair is liberating, for the most part. It makes me feel happy and peaceful. Gives me positive energy. It's with a kind of detached fascination and sense of discovery and sometimes sheer incredulity that I realize that I can't shop in a clothing store because my wheels won't fit through the door of the changing room. Or the people who stare, or the people who are overly nice, or the people who want to help you all the time, or the people who stand aside watching you struggle like a beast in a cage when you really do need help. The classroom teacher who takes the entire class on a tour of the facilities and dashes into the stairwell taking the whole class with him, except me, left on the 4th floor, to wait for the elevator to take me to the basement to find that everyone has disappeared and I have no idea where they've gone. Searching a 7-story building from top to bottom to find the one accessible bathroom when you're already late for an appointment. The construction crew that's blocked the only accessible exit from the building after hours. Trying to go to church and finding that not one, but both of the churches of your denomination in the town you're visiting are completely inaccessible. It's frustrating, and depressing, but behind it all is a kind of "Wow! So that's what it's like!!" sense of discovery and adventure. It's so enlightening. I get to see things most ABs never do. I thought I knew all about accessibility issues before I started wheeling. But the truth is that I had only scratched the surface. Of course, I know that I'll never really know what it's like to live full time in a chair. That's what a lot of wheelers say: "you don't have a clue." And that's true, and I know it, and you don't need to tell me (you can if you want, though). But I've learned a few things.
So wheeling in and of itself is not a negative for me, in spite of the myriad of inconveniences and restrictions. But mental illness really painful. Its the sign of a good writer, that people from various background and walks of life can read about your experiences and find something to relate to.
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Post by furthured on Oct 14, 2007 0:36:46 GMT -5
Claire,
Going into a chair was a pure feeling of liberation for me as well. When walking, I always had to stare at the ground because my body would have to compensate for any uneven pavement, crack, ice/snow, etc. In a chair, I could not just smell the roses, but look at them too. The first day I had my chair I went through Central Park and then sat in front of paintings at the Met (which I couldn't do before because my bad would hurt too much if I stood for a while). The next day, I went to the mountains and rambled along trails. Truly liberating.
Perhaps because of that recognition, I don't bemoan the fact that many places are not accessible....I simply make my own paths where none existed before or take the road less traveled. I usually ride in the streets because sidewalks don't always have cut-outs....but hey, it's like playing Frogger in real life. I keep a 3-foot and 6-foot ramp in my car so I can get into restaurants that may have one or more steps. If restaurants don't have accessability when they should and when it would be easy for them to do the right thing, I speak up and badger them until they get it done. (Basically, I pick my battles so I know I'm in the right when I do decide to take a stand.) Bathrooms are annoying but, being a guy, I'll just go outside and go 'au natural.' In fact, I don't even feel that much is inaccessible (even knowing how much harder life is), because I've learned to make my way; in fact, I more than merely 'make my way.'
So, on the whole, the world is a hell of a lot more accessible for me-in-a-chair than for me-not-in-a-chair. :-)
Ed
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Post by Claire on Oct 14, 2007 17:02:10 GMT -5
Thanks for that Ed, that is cool. It's interesting in several of the recent poststhe different reactions and feelings that wheelers have about their chairs. Those who feel confined by them, those for whom it's just another fact of life, those who feel liberated by them, those who make them into a fashion statement and everything in between.
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Post by furthured on Oct 14, 2007 19:00:27 GMT -5
"Fashion statement" -- good point Claire. Mine is definitely "stylized", "customized", or "pimped out" (depending on what decade you are from). I have a few bumperstickers on the sides (a Grateful Dead dancing bear, a 'NON-Judgment Day Is Near" sticker, a Curious George) and a large one on the back that says "Furthur"... It is an homage to Ken Kesey and the Merry Pranksters, who essentially started the hippy movement when they drove around in a psychedelic bus fucking with people's minds. The destination on the bus was "Furthur" (a misspelling of "further"). To me, it represents freedom, thinking outside the box, and being in the moment.
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Post by kryptic on Oct 14, 2007 19:47:46 GMT -5
Dude, I dig your “can do” attitude to “make your own way” but I’m curious, why would you go through such a task of going out of your way to lug around your own set of ramps in your automobile just to gain access to restaurants that isn’t wheelchair accessible when their must be dozens of other places for you to dine at…that IS accessible?
Also, what do you do if you find yourself in a situation where there is no accessible restroom AND no suitable place to go “au natural”? I’m going to assume that when you say “au natural”, you mean pissing in places such as public parks and maybe behind buildings and/or parking lots/between cars etc..right? lol
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Post by furthured on Oct 14, 2007 20:55:49 GMT -5
Hi Kryptic, It is not as if I carry the ramps around....I just keep them in the back of my car and use them if needed (kinda like a spare tire). Almost all places are fully accessible and go to those often, but I wouldn't not go to a good restaurant because there's a step -- when I can just take the ramp out of my van, leave it in the restaurant as I eat, and then put it back in my van when I'm done. More importantly, I like to go on day-trips where I'm not sure where I'll end up, so I always want to be ready. I always make sure a first date (or first couple of dates) are in places I know are accessible...but other than that, I don't mind going to places where I use the ramp. The six-foot ramp also allows me to get into friends' homes. As far as the bathroom question: My office and my home have accessible bathrooms, and I can usually hold it until I get to one or another. If I'm in the city, a place like McDonalds or a museum always has accessible bathrooms. If I'm out in the country, well, then we are back to 'au natural.' On one or two occasions, I have used an empty Gaterade or water bottle in my car. That's the good thing being a guy.
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