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Post by Dr. BiPAP Sachin on Oct 19, 2022 12:53:54 GMT -5
If anyone has heard Breaking Benjamin's 2002 debut studio album Saturate, track #3 is called "Polyamorous," and a portion of the lyrics goes like this: "My polyamorous friend… Got me in a mess of trouble again."
The point is that I don't have a problem with folks who are, or are interested in exploring being polyamorous, but that's not the path I'd ultimately choose to tread on.
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Post by jrm on Oct 19, 2022 12:57:54 GMT -5
Nope. It's not for me. I find it difficult enough to manage a relationship with one person. No way could I deal with multiple people. So it's plain old fashioned hetero monogamy for me.
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Post by Dani on Oct 19, 2022 13:15:27 GMT -5
lookingfor Just wondering, why were you asking? Are you in this type of arrangement?
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Post by Green on Oct 19, 2022 21:36:04 GMT -5
Also exploring poly/ENM here, just getting started really I've seen this expressed in different ways, but what would you mean by getting started? I mean, sure, it sounds like it is something new. But I'm asking from the perspective where to me, it's just a matter of deciding whether or not in principle it can be ethically fine to do. Since I think it's fine, I'm not sure what other people are thinking when they say they are just starting or are trying it out?
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Post by ayla on Oct 19, 2022 22:35:42 GMT -5
Green there can be as many ways to "do" poly/ENM as there are human beings on this planet. It's not a simple binary of "open" or "closed," where "open" is an unbounded free-for-all. Each relationship is unique.
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Post by Green on Oct 19, 2022 23:01:34 GMT -5
My thought though is that thinking about the first time you ever dated in your life with the assumption of monogamy, you wouldn't normally say "I was just getting started with monogamy". It's not so much getting started as much as it is learning how people work, what makes relationships work, things like that. Even for people who don't think nonmonogamy could possibly work for them, or those who think it's immoral, the same requirements are there for a healthy relationship. I'm not saying this in a combative way, I'm coming from the perspective that approaching non-monogamy should be natural and nothing actually special (except, of course, that others know it's not the norm).
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Post by ayla on Oct 20, 2022 0:41:35 GMT -5
That may be so, but there is definitely a “getting started” period when one is transitioning an established monogamous relationship into a non monogamous relationship. Lots of careful consideration and communication are necessary, as well as some experimental forays. You don’t really snap your fingers and say “now we are non monogamous.” At least not if you care deeply enough about the relationship you already have.
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Post by sittingbull on Oct 20, 2022 7:36:52 GMT -5
Are you looking for discussion or a candidate? Discussion for now. I'm not sure if I could handle more than one quad🤣 I'm not sure if the quads would be happy with it!
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Post by Green on Oct 20, 2022 18:30:33 GMT -5
You could have getting started as just getting into the headspace of throwing away prior assumptions of what the shape of relationships should be like. A partner would have to get used to that as well. You can certainly decide to be polyamorous or not at any moment you wish, the only issue would be how to live up to your own expectations about a healthy relationship.
But sometimes getting started could be something like assuming that same monogamous relationship as a baseline, and then "trying out" polyamory is if it is an experiment that you can give up on if it doesn't work out. Old habits can die hard, so it might take a lot of thinking to break out of this pattern.
It sounds like you are talking about the first, so I don't think I'm disagreeing with you. The important point I'm making is that non-monogamy is a different way of thinking, as opposed to a new thing to do. If you are both invested in the new way of thinking, and have the emotional maturity to lead such a relationship, an existing partner would hopefully come to feel the same way as you. If they don't, well, that's quite a dilemma.
Do you think that being a dev contributed at all to your decision to explore polyamory?
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Post by ayla on Oct 20, 2022 20:58:38 GMT -5
I’m not sure I really follow what you’re trying to say, Green …other than you’re certainly very ready to tell me how I should describe my own relationship dynamics. 🤔 I honestly can’t tell if we “agree” or not but I don’t remember asking you to weigh in on whether or not it was appropriate for me to describe my own experience of opening a relationship as “starting out” with poly/CNM. Not gonna lie, your post had a very mansplainy vibe that I hope is me misreading your tone. I have a hunch we actually agree in the belief that non monogamy is not an action but a relational framework. Just like one can be queer without having had sex, one can be in an open relationship without sleeping with other people. I maintain that “starting out” applies when setting up the terms of that new relational framework and gradually venturing into new behaviors that were previously out of bounds, while staying in communication with your partner(s) about how these new behaviors and beliefs are impacting you.
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Post by Green on Oct 21, 2022 21:26:53 GMT -5
I’m not sure I really follow what you’re trying to say, Green …other than you’re certainly very ready to tell me how I should describe my own relationship dynamics. I couldn't be, because I'm asking you how you describe your own relationship dynamics. In asking you questions, I described my perspective on poly so that you could see why I am curious or if that would help answer the question. I suppose I'm trying to say that I was wondering why you put that word choice, but also saying that it could imply one of 2 things (and I really do wonder about the different ways people think about ideas that are new to them). I agree with your last paragraph, although I'm still wondering if/how devness contributes to your thoughts on poly, if at all.
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Post by lookingfor on Oct 22, 2022 17:28:56 GMT -5
lookingfor Just wondering, why were you asking? Are you in this type of arrangement? I am polyamorous. I started exploring it about a year and a half ago and love it.
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Post by Dr. BiPAP Sachin on Oct 22, 2022 19:01:28 GMT -5
I'm not poly, but I love polynomials and polygons! #MathNerdHere Dammit, as a math PhD, how the hell did I forget polyhedra, polyominoes, and polytopes? 🤦♂️
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smilefile
Junior Member
Location: Berlin
Posts: 62
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by smilefile on Nov 2, 2022 5:45:23 GMT -5
Questions that I ask myself when I think of an open relationshhip: 1) What means "open" there are many different types of open relationsships. Will I know everyone in that relationship or are there "separated worlds" for example
2) Do I want to live an open relationship for my own? that means will I actively search for other Partner(s) like my Partner in that open relationship does, or do I want to be just a (sexual) part of my partner world and because I´m afraid I will loose him otherwise I say "Yes" to this kind of arrangement. 3) Am I jelaous? Do I always fight for my position in that relationship (more time, more sex with my partner(s) etc pp) or am I relaxed in that point and I am able to let my partner go to other (sexual) Partners without suffering and without blaming my partner to do it? 4) how can I handle it emotionally when I know my partner isn´t there on my birthday, Christmas or when I feel I need him but he is not available for me at that moment? for sure there are many questions more I could ask myself but for a good start it´s enough I think. :-)
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Post by Dani on Nov 2, 2022 14:42:57 GMT -5
I think these are legit questions to ask smilefile It's a bit of science making an open relationship/polyamory work, and there's actually much material out there to educate yourself. I think some people throw out the idea very quickly because it scares them, but if you dig into it a bit more, I believe it's doable and can be a very good thing. Everyone has to find their own way to maneuver the waters of an open relationship, though.
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