Frustrated

[kat]

As is true of most devs, I have an uncommon type. Even inside the pool of devs, I'd say the things I'm attracted to are not the most typical. I've always been interested in vulnerability over strength, and given the choice, I'll always choose nerdy over conventionally attractive. For whatever reason, and through no choice of my own, that's just always been my interest.

Both from a physicality and personality standpoint, the people I'm most interested in probably don't venture out all that much to places they could be found. They're most likely to be hunkered down inside their apartments staring at screens. Maybe they're busy slaying bosses in their favorite RPG, or maybe they're scoffing at their TV about Rings of Power not living up to the original.

And the worst part is that a non-insignificant portion of them are probably convinced that no one finds them attractive. And here I am, sitting inside my own apartment, staring at my own screen, yelling at the universe for providing no way to bring us together.

This post has no real point, except to say that I'm frustrated and tired of not just not dating, but of not having the option to date. I'm pretty happy with my own company most of the time, and I've lucked out with some truly amazing friends. But the dev part of me, the romantic part, is just eternally locked away.

And it sucks.

[Braced4Impact]

Stop describing me so well

[joffy]

It almost hurts that you described me so well hahaha. Nowadays I prefer to read on my big screen rather than killing bosses, I've often tried dating sites to but I usually just end up discouraged and abandon it.
It definitely sucks

[ContingentlyComposite]

I share your frustration! Solidarity.

[justnick]

I'm kind of the opposite of your description and I feel the frustration, too. Where/how do we find compatible people? I was discussing this with a friend from here just the other day. I feel like I must be doing something wrong but then see that other people have the same or similar thoughts. I think kat is a great catch! I think I am, too. I know there are lots of factors that keep people apart but something has to give, right?

[atlwheelin]

I feel like somewhere along the line I veered off of all the paths a traditional PWD would take. I should’ve learned all the ins and outs of a computer at a young age. I didn’t. I got into watching sports and writing columns from as young as age 6, over catching me watching fantasy realms or RPGs. I never got into anime. So, while I’m indeed always in my little corner of my room, I’m yelling at the tv because the referee clearly just missed that pass interference penalty. Not much of a female calling for those skill sets

[Dr. BiPAP Sachin]

Honey, I'm home! Lol, jk, but I get it. I'm frustrated similarly but from the pwd pov.

[ayla]

This reminds me of a frustration I have. Like the OP and everybody else on this thread, I have certain traits I like in men and it's so narrowly specific and hard to find "organically" -- i.e. just out and about. Meanwhile, my husband is able to meet attractive female strangers at almost any dog park, bar, work event, party, you name it. Not women to sleep with, just women who are his type and he gets to enjoy chatting to and being around casually. He isn't doing anything inappropriate -- I wouldn't even call this socializing "flirting" -- and I have every right to do the same. But I can never, ever have that experience. Even if I went to a PWD centric event, my devness would either be an uncomfortable secret or a known piece of information that would likely make the interaction too overtly flirty for this particular kind of enjoyment.

[britishtetra]

Frustration – tell me about it! I am in the 50 club, The eldest of three children and both of my sisters have little monsters. Mum and dad look at me, and sometimes shake their heads! Yes I have tried to find someone. The last friendship I had the woman is now married to a able -bodied man. But, at the moment I am talking to somebody interesting who is local, so one never knows. She a nice woman, great laugh with attractive Green eyes- wonderful. 😊

Pete 👍

[indigo44]

So relatable

[Deleted]

Yep frustrated also but from the disabled side. The dev community is so small and seams to get even smaller the older you get.

[writerg]

As PWDs, our dating pool is pretty small. However, it's important to understand that it's possible to persuade someone based on your qualities and having your sh*t together. If you pursue dating with the mindset of finding a devotee, you are making your already small odds of finding a compatible partner even smaller.

An example: You cannot drive so your non-devotee date has to pick you up and drive to the date destination, assume she has never dated a PWD and has no experience with disabilities. Can you explain how to breakdown your wheelchair correctly and without being rude? If you pass this test you have a better chance at keeping someone around. If you are not good at explaining your challenges accurately and without being rude, work on that. It's a very important soft skill for all disabled men.

[kat]

Oct 24, 2022 15:26:06 GMT -5 ayla said:

This reminds me of a frustration I have. Like the OP and everybody else on this thread, I have certain traits I like in men and it's so narrowly specific and hard to find "organically" -- i.e. just out and about. Meanwhile, my husband is able to meet attractive female strangers at almost any dog park, bar, work event, party, you name it. Not women to sleep with, just women who are his type and he gets to enjoy chatting to and being around casually. He isn't doing anything inappropriate -- I wouldn't even call this socializing "flirting" -- and I have every right to do the same. But I can never, ever have that experience. Even if I went to a PWD centric event, my devness would either be an uncomfortable secret or a known piece of information that would likely make the interaction too overtly flirty for this particular kind of enjoyment.

Yeah, I totally get this. I've tried to describe the experience of being a dev to some friends as "being the only straight girl on an island of women", because that's how it feels with how rarely you get the chance to be in the same space, let alone interact, with people you're attracted to. I've even asked friends what proportion of random people they see on the street they could imagine being with in some capacity, and even if they're picky people, the answer is always surprising. Like, you can just go out and see people you like?! Wild.

[ayla]

@kat that's a perfect description!! The only straight gal on the isle of Lesbos. Makes it very easy to go about daily life without sexy distractions...but it means...no sexy distractions :(

[lisa]

Oct 26, 2022 9:18:41 GMT -5 kat said:

I've even asked friends what proportion of random people they see on the street they could imagine being with in some capacity, and even if they're picky people, the answer is always surprising. Like, you can just go out and see people you like?! Wild.

I have done the very same thing on numerous occassions. It eludes me how they can be attracted to so many people and at the same time, isn't this like the best thing ever? I am like you, kat, as in that even among the devs my "type" is rare. I have been on this dev journey for so many years and I got to know maybe 4 or 5 people that I considered really attractive (from a dev perspective, not talking personality-wise). And if you feature in that I am not that much into long-distance stuff, I think there probably doesn't even exist anyone in my surrounding who I would like, even if I were to look. I get the frustration. Let's have a drink together in the bar of frustrated devs ;-).