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Post by justnick on Nov 14, 2022 7:01:11 GMT -5
I’m actually sitting out in my hunting blind right now and waiting for the sun to come up so hopefully this is coherent.
I have dated several devs in the past and I can tell you that it was a complete non-factor with anyone I knew. First of all, we didn’t advertise Either of our sexual kinks so that never came up. I don’t live with anyone so I don’t have to deal with that aspect but I have heard mixed reviews from different people. I have heard that some people that live with their parents are almost infantilized which can be a huge issue. I honestly can’t imagine living with someone’s family, regardless of how they feel about you. It is my opinion that unless two people are romantically involved, adult humans have no business living together. Ha ha
I guess to summarize, my relationships I’ve seen as any different than anyone else’s relationships in the eyes of my friends and family. They just care that I am happy which hasn’t always been the case in relationships for me. But that is a story for another time. Lol
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Post by justnick on Nov 14, 2022 7:05:47 GMT -5
I almost forgot the second part of the question. I have had a few relationships where family was skeptical at first because I am a quadriplegic. But I always want to meet them in person so they can see that they have nothing to be concerned about. I feel it is my responsibility to make them see the person I truly am. I feel like if someone leaves a conversation with me with a bad impression it is kind of my fault. Unless they are just assholes, which also happens.
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Post by devogirl on Nov 14, 2022 8:19:36 GMT -5
As a devotee, it's really easy to assume people will think it's weird or bad you're dating someone with a disability because maybe you haven't fully accepted your own attraction to people with disabilities yet. However, if you're dating someone who uses a manual wheelchair, I don't think people will necessarily think much of it. They're not going to assume you're specifically attracted to disability. Well, that's only true the first time. When you date the second, third, fourth PWD, friends and relatives start to notice the pattern and ask you about it. Fear of that questioning was one reason I stayed way too long in a bad relationship. I was afraid of what people would say. And they did comment and question me, especially my parents. I didn't handle it very well lol. But with friends it was fine.
This is all reason why I think it's better to disclose. Part of the guilt and shame we carry around as devs is this false idea that our attraction somehow poisons the relationship. Like if I could just be attracted to him "normally," not as a dev, it would be better. Or if I just happened to find the right PWD instead of actively searching for him. It's pointless and self-defeating to think that way.
I didn't always disclose my devness to partners, because I was afraid of how they might react. But over time, I realized that those relationships were doomed anyway. If a guy was not confident enough in himself to accept my attraction, or if he thought there was something wrong with me for being a dev, the relationship would not last. The strongest relationships have been the ones where they were ok with it. People follow your cues, so if you introduce it as a positive, not something shameful or tragic, that increases the chance that your partner will be ok with the idea.
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Post by Experimentalist on Nov 14, 2022 15:05:34 GMT -5
What your family really want is for you to be happy and well cared for in the long term. They may be concerned that you’re taking on too much responsibility, that you'll regret it later and then feel stuck, etc.
But honestly, these are the things you should care about as well. So if you find someone you really connect with and you think can make you happy and can support you in your future then your family will see that.
My first long-term relationship is a good example. We met while both studying in England. After living a year together we went to visit her parents in Poland. Just the fact that they saw us travelling across Europe together without problems was a good thing. I’m C4 so need a fair bit of help, but I brought another helper along to share in driving and care but otherwise stay out of the way. I had learned some basic Polish (top tip, always learn to say ‘the dinner was very tasty’) and we got on really well. What they wanted to see, as with any new partner, is that she and I had good chemistry and that I was kind and had my stuff together.
Basically, I’d say focus on finding someone who really is good for you (whether abled or disabled) and I’m sure you’re family will support you both.
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Post by Dr. BiPAP Sachin on Nov 14, 2022 19:31:05 GMT -5
I really haven't had the opportunity and experience of a relationship with a woman (dev or not), much less dating yet, but my parents, who are my current caregivers, don't have too many issues if I do eventually have a partner. The only exception is that they would like that I get my own accessible place to live nearby (most likely an apartment to move into once I have new caregivers), because they would want my partner and I to have some much-needed privacy and have no intention of interfering with the relationship. They're actually quite open-minded on this topic.
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Post by darthoso on Nov 14, 2022 23:00:01 GMT -5
Pwd: How did your family deal with it? I know some pwd have their parents as their caregivers or at least have them close on a daily basis. Were they protective? Corncerned? Or open about this? As someone who was in this scenario, it is best just to embrace the weirdness. Thank god my parents were very relaxed about everything and just went along as we tried to figure it out. |
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Post by lisa on Nov 15, 2022 6:11:35 GMT -5
I've dated a few PWDs, most memorably two with quite severe disabilities. And my family did not take it well. At all. All of you who have been around for a bit longer on PD probably remember that it was quite horrible... And to say the least, it took them about 10 years to come around the fact that I'm into PWDs at least a little bit. And this doesn't mean that they'd want to meet a PWD partner (they never have and actively decided against it), just that the topic isn't as forbidden anymore as it was 10 years ago. It is still frowned upon, I just came to care less about what kind of rules they've established regarding my devness and everything that comes with it.
I know this might not be a very hopeful scenario for everyone who thinks about taking this step. But most of the devs I have met or heard of during the years who presented a PWD partner to their family did not have such negative experiences. On the contrary, in most cases it was much better than expected. So don't feel discouraged by my story. I'd still recommend on openly being who you are. In the long run it's much easier and quite freeing.
Even though this question was directed towards the PWDs, but I was in the situation that my partner's family was in doubt of what I really wanted from their son. Probably because they couldn't fathom that some girl from another country could be into their disabled son (they didn't know about the devness). Anyway, they assumed it's been because of the money. Ridiculous, really, because I couldn't care less about the financial situation of my partner. It was a bit of a disturbing situation for me, I felt as if I had to prove that I'm legit or something. But this was the only time, later on, in other relationships, there weren't any questions raised, as far as I'm aware of at least.
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Post by infinatedreams on Nov 15, 2022 11:31:14 GMT -5
I think when dating someone with a disability pretty much every time the questions of 'do you know what your letting yourself in for', 'will you will be his carer', 'how can he provide for a future' etc etc will always come up from family or friends.
But mostly I think it is from genuine concerns with a very very heavy sprinkling of ignorance.
As a para dude who worked full time, had his own home, earned good money and not a carer in sight, EVERY relationship I have had at some point (usually early on) the other half has said to me that one of the questions above has been asked.
Ive never been offended by family/friends asking those kind of questions, I guess its normal and questions made out of love not malice. Perhaps if I was AB but a heavy drinker similar questions would be asked.
The only way to alay any concerns is to show that as a couple you are happy and succeeding, thats all that matters to you and should be all that matters to family and friends. The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
I was dating someone who was asked that question by her best friend of 'how can he look after you, wont he be a burden' and she gave what I think to me the ultimate mic drop by saying 'he has his own home, earns double what I do, treats my kids as his own (as their dad had done a runner and did not pay a penny in childcare) and looks after ME like nobody else ever has ... oh and by the way Im having the best sex ever'
Her friend never said another word
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smilefile
Junior Member
Location: Berlin
Posts: 62
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by smilefile on Nov 15, 2022 20:36:33 GMT -5
Prejudices can come from all sides (family, relatives friends, strangers, other PWD´s etc ) its good to be aware of this unpleasant fact Of course that doesn´t mean that no one accepts the love between you and your partner there are always people who only want to see you happy and who are supportive.
My advice: show your love talk to your parents, friends and everyone you want to tell about your relationship, but if you feel that someone don´t accepts your love don´t put to much power in the try to convince him. If you care to much about what other people think of your relationship you leave the path of happiness and your love is at risk. I had relationships with AB´s and other PWD´s my environment wasn´t always very supportive, but I had wonderful times with my partners especially when we had focused on the "magical thing" between us and not on the negative thoughts from parts of our social environment. |
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Post by justnick on Nov 15, 2022 21:30:39 GMT -5
I'm concerned that my parents could take a little more time to realized it but if someday it happens, I think I would be brave enough to put my will above everything. I think it's important to remember who you ARE introducing them to. As much as we hate to admit it, sometimes our parents are right. How many girls/women bring home dudes that their parents should object to, regardless of disability? Guys with bad attitudes, no job, no prospects, disrespectful, verbally/mentally abusive, all kinds of red flags that maybe you can't see through all that steamy passion. I think back to some of the situations that devogirl has written about. Infatuation blinds us from a lot!
And even if the guy is great in every other way but just happens to be disabled, this shouldn't be all on your shoulders. I think the guy has a responsibility to show them that he acknowledges their concerns and can meet the challenge. Isn't that the whole point of "meeting the parents" anyway? I don't mean asking for their approval but showing them that there's nothing for them to fear. Maybe I'm old fashioned? Or just old?  |
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Post by devogirl on Nov 15, 2022 22:00:26 GMT -5
I think back to some of the situations that devogirl has written about. 😂 So true! In my case, I was dating assholes with like a million red flags AND ALSO my parents were horribly, unreasonably prejudiced against all PWDs. Everybody loses! My friends were much better at explaining why I was making terrible mistakes that had nothing to do with the disability, and urging me to find some other PWD. But did I listen? nooooo..... Anyway it's important to have friends who can give you this good, honest feedback. In my experience, all my friends were ok with the concept of devotees, but I tend to be around open-minded, unconventional types. |
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Post by ProudRealist on Nov 15, 2022 22:25:16 GMT -5
From my side of the family, it's smooth sailing - they actually get all giddy when I tell them I'm going out on a date, it's actually quite cute  Same for when I was in a relationships, they were always very supportive. Having said that, I had a VERY horrible experience meeting a girls parents once that has somewhat scared me - till now, i'm super hesitant to meet a girl's family. Even though I consider myself tough-skinned, some comments/attitudes towards pwd are just disgusting and can really sting. I don't want to go through what happened, but suffice to say that not everyone is open minded. |
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Post by Dr. BiPAP Sachin on Nov 16, 2022 11:21:47 GMT -5
I honestly don't care much what my family would think. It's not their life, and given I live on the other side of the country from them and am financially independent, it really wouldn't be an issue even if they weren't happy with the idea. In my opinion, it's really not worth it to worry what your family will think about your life once you're an adult. Obeying my parents isn't something I've thought about since I was 14. I've dated people they didn't like for other reasons, and it was fine. Right on, scarletfire! I couldn't agree more. |
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Post by WheelchairAndMe on Nov 19, 2022 1:26:25 GMT -5
…Since we know there are a lot of misconceptions about disabled people and dating, I'd would like to know how you deal with some dilenmas. Pwd: How did your family deal with it? I know some pwd have their parents as their caregivers or at least have them close on a daily basis. Were they protective? Corncerned? Or open about this? Relativies and friends... did they make any awakard comment or did they encourage you? For devs, I have never dated a pwd and I'm not looking for it right now but of course there is the possibility that it happens someday. I know my family, especially my parents, wouldn't accept it easily. I'm not saying that I'll obey them but of course it's something that makes me feel upset. Everyone wants their parents getting along with their significant other. Some friends might not say anything clearly but insinuate. Have you dealt with it when you were dating a pwd? Pwd again: how do you deal if your significant other's family has concerns about him/her dating a disabled person? I know we don't have to worry about people's opinion but we can't ignore it. It’s a good question. As I am the one in the wheelchair, I’m sure I missed a lot of people discussing my relationship with her. Ironically, I had the most odd comments from her Dad and my parents. I think her Mom was a Devo! Haha. She always flirted with me even in front of her. It made it so awkward but I felt so close to her Mom and felt completely welcomed. When the room was full with people and the Mom was talking to everyone in the room, she would talk facing directly to me 80% of the time. There were no judgements from her. My parents were supportive but I think they were concerned about some of her behavior. There was a lot of instant chemistry and so I think they were worried (they had reasons to be. She was aggressively attracted to me and people could tell). One comment her Dad said in front of her and me was, “Don’t break him.” (Referring to sex) As he shut the car door to her. Even though we laughed about it, it was slightly something to be proud about but at the same time SUPER offensive. He’s extremely insensitive to everyone but he would say strange things about my disability. Eh… I just brushed it off. A lot of comments would be from strangers, “you and your sister are so cute.” She would laugh and then French kiss me right there. The look on their face was… “oh…” I like how she reacted that way. All and all though, people were super supportive and called us a power couple. I hope that answers some of your questions. You’re welcome to ask me more or DM me. |
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wonkywheeler
New Member
Posts: 20 
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by wonkywheeler on Dec 15, 2022 17:29:58 GMT -5
I was living on myself when I found my partner and my parents were thrilled when I introduced her to them. My sister, on the other hand, thought my partner was only after my disability money. However, she came around eventually.
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Same for when I was in a relationships, they were always very supportive.
