Dealing with sexual frustrations with stemming from disability
Jan 2, 2023 0:14:20 GMT -5
loveparas, Dr. BiPAP Sachin, and 2 more like this
Post by Green on Jan 2, 2023 0:14:20 GMT -5
Here is something I wrote up that I think people will find either insightful or interesting:
Sex has been a difficult topic for me to think about and to deal with emotionally, as somebody with a severe physical disability. I’ve wondered about people feeling apprehensive about physical interactions with me because my limitations appear intimidating. I’ve wondered about people outright finding me physically repellent because of the wheelchair. Sometimes I’ve wondered whether many people are simply unsure about how to respectfully ask about my body if they have a curiosity about me - even though I welcome questions about me eagerly. Then there are my own concerns about living up to expectations about what sex should feel like, How creative other people are willing to be in the bedroom, and all the ways to get myself into the preconstructed boxes most other people in society feel about sex.
Anyone in my position might find that getting oneself to ignore sex as a value is the best option. After all, how can you feel disappointed about sex, if you don’t want it in the first place? But I’ve never accomplished anything in my life by ignoring the very values I want to explore and understand. Better to adapt than lazily feeling sorry for myself and doing nothing. Like anything with adapting to disability, rather than giving myself the impossible task of physically standing up so that I can fit in among the average people in society, I have to develop a path that works.
This means not bothering to consider what the norm is. This means showing that there are as many ways to do sexual relationships as there are people. Of course there can be general ideas about sexual relationships - communication, consent, exploration, positive attitude, and plenty more concepts. But these are only general ideas, not laying down the law of exactly how each of these things must happen. They are principles.
The shape of relationships might need to be different. With a physical disability, I need to be adaptive to getting from place to place, occasionally feeling limited by fatigue, and the places I can meet people. I don’t find that traditional relationship structures work well given my circumstances, at least in terms of going on regular dates and having a sex life from there. If I try to have a traditional dating life, even just seeking casual sex, I would not be able to keep up with the usual expectations. Whatever they are. I would end up feeling the same anxieties as I mentioned before.
So I accept fluidity in my relationships. I take opportunities as they fall in my lap, following different dynamics as they fall into place. This isn’t a simple preference, but a necessity. Sometimes, there really is no issue with other people going by the usual dynamics of dating and sex. And if that can’t work with a partner, it might make sense that they don’t want to pursue a sexual relationship. Inevitably, I would be stuck with my current disappointment. But if I lead by example, and recognize that planting an idea can get people to try something new, I don’t have to be stuck.
Fluidity here would mean avoiding looking for the social boxes and corresponding scripts. Are there physical affections that I can share with someone, based on a shared curiosity or appreciation? Can I meet people who are willing to consider that getting to know me doesn’t have to simply be a “friend or romantic partner” distinction? And more than that, what kind of relationship can somebody have with me that has all the considerations unique to me, and maybe with a label unique to me? I will often see this like considering making out with somebody who I don’t have a romantic or sexual relationship with. It might mean, for me, being sexual only a few times with someone who is otherwise a friend I’m emotionally open with. This might sound like simply being open to friends with benefits, but I’m talking about the context of my mindset being fluid, defining every relationship case by case. Fluidity might also mean openness to seeing a sex worker, in the way that sex doesn’t have to be “inferior” or shameful just because you paid money. There can be a complete fluidity to the way I seek out sex.
I’m not talking about an empty sense of “I’ve transcended labels and categories”; I’m talking about using different labels that acknowledge that, yes, by being physically disabled, I’m radically different In a physical way. This also means that the way I live my life, especially sexually, must be radically different.
Feel free to mention any thoughts to add, especially if devs might find it relatable to for their own frustrations, or the way that you guys have have explored sexual relationships with disabled people.
Sex has been a difficult topic for me to think about and to deal with emotionally, as somebody with a severe physical disability. I’ve wondered about people feeling apprehensive about physical interactions with me because my limitations appear intimidating. I’ve wondered about people outright finding me physically repellent because of the wheelchair. Sometimes I’ve wondered whether many people are simply unsure about how to respectfully ask about my body if they have a curiosity about me - even though I welcome questions about me eagerly. Then there are my own concerns about living up to expectations about what sex should feel like, How creative other people are willing to be in the bedroom, and all the ways to get myself into the preconstructed boxes most other people in society feel about sex.
Anyone in my position might find that getting oneself to ignore sex as a value is the best option. After all, how can you feel disappointed about sex, if you don’t want it in the first place? But I’ve never accomplished anything in my life by ignoring the very values I want to explore and understand. Better to adapt than lazily feeling sorry for myself and doing nothing. Like anything with adapting to disability, rather than giving myself the impossible task of physically standing up so that I can fit in among the average people in society, I have to develop a path that works.
This means not bothering to consider what the norm is. This means showing that there are as many ways to do sexual relationships as there are people. Of course there can be general ideas about sexual relationships - communication, consent, exploration, positive attitude, and plenty more concepts. But these are only general ideas, not laying down the law of exactly how each of these things must happen. They are principles.
The shape of relationships might need to be different. With a physical disability, I need to be adaptive to getting from place to place, occasionally feeling limited by fatigue, and the places I can meet people. I don’t find that traditional relationship structures work well given my circumstances, at least in terms of going on regular dates and having a sex life from there. If I try to have a traditional dating life, even just seeking casual sex, I would not be able to keep up with the usual expectations. Whatever they are. I would end up feeling the same anxieties as I mentioned before.
So I accept fluidity in my relationships. I take opportunities as they fall in my lap, following different dynamics as they fall into place. This isn’t a simple preference, but a necessity. Sometimes, there really is no issue with other people going by the usual dynamics of dating and sex. And if that can’t work with a partner, it might make sense that they don’t want to pursue a sexual relationship. Inevitably, I would be stuck with my current disappointment. But if I lead by example, and recognize that planting an idea can get people to try something new, I don’t have to be stuck.
Fluidity here would mean avoiding looking for the social boxes and corresponding scripts. Are there physical affections that I can share with someone, based on a shared curiosity or appreciation? Can I meet people who are willing to consider that getting to know me doesn’t have to simply be a “friend or romantic partner” distinction? And more than that, what kind of relationship can somebody have with me that has all the considerations unique to me, and maybe with a label unique to me? I will often see this like considering making out with somebody who I don’t have a romantic or sexual relationship with. It might mean, for me, being sexual only a few times with someone who is otherwise a friend I’m emotionally open with. This might sound like simply being open to friends with benefits, but I’m talking about the context of my mindset being fluid, defining every relationship case by case. Fluidity might also mean openness to seeing a sex worker, in the way that sex doesn’t have to be “inferior” or shameful just because you paid money. There can be a complete fluidity to the way I seek out sex.
I’m not talking about an empty sense of “I’ve transcended labels and categories”; I’m talking about using different labels that acknowledge that, yes, by being physically disabled, I’m radically different In a physical way. This also means that the way I live my life, especially sexually, must be radically different.
Feel free to mention any thoughts to add, especially if devs might find it relatable to for their own frustrations, or the way that you guys have have explored sexual relationships with disabled people.