Sex/intimacy after disability

[mnquad07]

well, I see where you are coming from. I can only speak from my experience... Which, post injury, doesn't really exist where before it definitely did. With that being said, I think when you get injury later in life, everything you knew and did completely changes. Everything you did with friends, in relationships, for fun, etc. is all of a sudden gone, and a lot of times all those people are as well. I don't think it has anything to do with choice, just the fallout from injury.
Being "in the mood" doesn't/hasn't changed when you compare pre-/post injury. I don't know how to empty my head on here right now.

[choicetomake]

I think it's largely dependent on specific circumstances, but there may be some merit to what you are saying. I only know my friends with SCI who got hurt after the age of maturity, and some I know were able to adapt the way they think about their sexuality and find fulfillment in an adapted sex life post-injury, and others who can't seem to get over the mental block of mourning what's lost as opposed to finding and exploring what they do have still. It's like this in other aspects of life as well by the way. You can embrace it and move forwards, or not, but if you do you'll find much more enjoyment than you likely thought. But even still in my friends who have active sex lives after their accident and enjoy them, for some there remains that level of frustration.

I don't know if there is necessarily less inhibition or more comfort in our bodies so to speak (although maybe) but there's likely less of an urge to fit my sex life into a mold of what an able bodied sex life might look like if that makes sense.

Reading this back I have no idea if it adds anything or answers your question, but I'm pressing send anyways.

[infinatedreams]

Its a good question and probably has a multitude of answers.

The AB me was sexually active and as I was still relitavely young, anything with a pulse was attractive ... dont blame me, teenage hormones.
The SCI me .... that has fluctuated .... probably first maybe 10yrs (its been a while so give or take a few) sex was a going through the motions without much satisfaction, any satisfaction was mentally rather than physically. Of course I still found women attractive and dated, seduced, one-night stands but ultimately it was un-satisfying. No orgasm, very little physical pleasure and there were occasions 'half way' through the act I did stop as it just wasnt doing anything for me and just couldnt carry on. Sex became kinda 'meh cant be arsed, im going to the footy instead'

Then I met someone and had a summer fling and she helped opened eyes to how I could recieve physical sexual pleasure (maybe she was a closet dev i dunno, but she explored my body like nobody else ever had). By this time id long forgotten what a 'orgasm' felt like, forgotten that 'oooooooof that was good' feeling but she left me feeling emotionally and physically satisfied. It really was a new book for me on my 'sex life' I'd discovered what parts of my body reacted to different touches, some very very yummy, some I couldnt bare and from then when dating or in the bedroom and when she asked 'what can I do for you'. I at last had an answer.

I still think the majority of my satisfaction is derived from my mind, as in ive really got to fancy the other person for my body/mind to combine to give me that 'orgasm' feeling. Just a nibble here, a kiss there, a squeeze sends me over that edge. No physical ejaculation but an ejaculation of the mind. Maybe thats more powerful? or more satisfying to the other person that they can make me feel that way?

So I reckon for most of us acquired SCI guys, theres an element of trying to do it as we did it AB, that not working and lack of satisfcation leading to loss of interest and then those SCI guys who have learnt how their body can be pleasured and re-start an active sex life ... just in a different way.

[Deleted]

yeah this is very interesting but i’ll give my pov as a quad injured at age 17. like many 17yo guys i was very interested in sex lol. post injury i don’t think there’s been a time where i wasn’t interest in sex either — in that my sex drive has remained high. but there have definitely been periods where i just sorta gave up or was disinterested even tho my sex drive remained the same. this i think was/is due to general frustration of not being able to do the things i used to be able to do and having times in a relationship where my partner was disinterested and I basically got the feeling that sex was either just too difficult, not a high priority in the relationship, or that physically i perhaps wasn’t that attractive. it’s only been relatively recently — even tho ive been injured for 20 years — that i have really decided to open up, learn, and get more comfortable with myself and pursue/engage in an active sex life again.

so like anecdotally i guess i confirm that acquired disability at a younger age has definitely not lessened my desire for sex and intimacy even if my interest sorta fluctuates if that make sense. but that fluctuation has been dependent on whoever i was in a relationship with and my own confidence/feeling comfortable in my disability. but maybe the common thread on whether a pwd is interested in sex/intimacy is based less on when a disability was acquired and maybe just more about when/how long it takes to feel like yourself in a new body.

[sungod]

I agree with the others, this is an interesting theory scarletfire . I was injured at 19, definitely into the age where I could have had plenty of sexual experiences already, but I was a bit reserved and studious in high school, so I hadn't had sex yet. I've had a pretty strong interest in sex over the past 20 years since my injury. I think there can be a few factors.

Being injured before having sexual experience likely helps encourage a healthy sex drive, for all the reasons you mentioned. There's nothing for me to compare it to, so I don't feel like it doesn't compare to before.

As a higher level quad, erections are not much of an issue, and I still have enough sensation to get some feedback on what's happening. Without both of these, I might feel a bit more like sex is a lost cause, and there's not much personal benefit to pursue it.

Wanting to please a partner is a huge part of sex as well. If I was already at a higher age where women are less interested, I wouldn't have that push to please as an additional driver either.

[someonerandom]

As far as I am aware, my injury at age 23 didn’t have an effect on my sex drive as far as increasing/decreasing it.

[lyon11]

My injury (C6) was when I was 17, I've always been a little social so I didn't have any sexual experiences while I was AB so my sexual experiences were after my injury so I never knew how pleasurable or what It feels like having sex like AB, and as an injured person my greatest pleasure is to satisfy my partner, so I think you may be right since not having had sex before my injury, I am comfortable with what I have: feeling , smell and caress my partner.

[Green]

My suspicion is that as far as acquired disabilities, the impact will primarily be psychological, like whether the injury leads to depression in all kinds of other psychological difficulties to overcome. Based on what people say in this thread, and what I read elsewhere, sex is not actually less satisfying or less fun even with high levels of injury. On balance, it probably ends up as the same level as interest as the general population.

I also suspect it's different for people who were injured very young (during high school or younger), where there might be an actual physiological difference just because this is an age where there is still quite a bit of physical and neurological development. The same for people with disability at birth. So I wouldn't be surprised if there was a notably different sensory experience when it comes to touch and intimacy, or the lack of it might be more noticeable for them.

Basically, whatever trend you might be observing, I think it's more that people born with disabilities or acquired them very young have a higher than typical interest in sex, not that people with acquired disabilities later on have less interest in sex than is typical.

[Dr. BiPAP Sachin]

Thanks scarletfire for this interesting and quite thought-provoking thread. I don't have a SCI or acquired injury that made me disabled, but rather a genetic mutational muscle wasting chronic illness (DMD) that has resulted in severe disability. I've been sexually active since age 13, but my limited sex life might partially have to do with not having a huge social circle, in particular when it comes to women near my age. The next reason, I think, may be that I've been more or less laser-focused on my academic, research, and online teaching career that I hardly have time to think or even consider too much about making love to a smoking hot lady. Lastly, I'm more inclined to wanting to get to know someone on a deeper personal and emotional level first and foremost, before diving into getting physical.

That said, it's rather disappointing that the only sexual outlet I have access to are softcore striptease videos. As a matter of fact, I've begun to have lost interest in them, and I prefer texting and chatting with some of the ladies, particularly a few devs from here, much more. For me, I'm willing to wait on the sex for now.

In terms of your proposed theory, a larger empirical sample size might be the first step to something significant and far from more than just mere speculation at this point. To say the least, correlation (if there's any of it) doesn't imply causation, but this topic you brought up seems definitely worth looking into.

[bk89]

Everyone is so different but for me I was sexually active before injury as well as after and for me I still have a pretty similar sex drive. I definitely think it is more intimate now compared to before but it is definitely easier to fall into a friendship than a relationship.

[IcarusFellOnce]

Was very sexually active before injury. Still am post injury. Like most are saying it probably depends. Non answer I know. A few thoughts.

FOR those that are lifers with the disability if this is all they knew, I could see why they have and always will be interested in learning how to become close and experience pleasure within their disability. That's all they've known.

I suspect that if you acquired it before having too many sexual experiences then the drive and motivation is still going to be there. Hormones raging and what not. A 17 year old is a 17 year old and going to want to see boobs, (or a nice cock.. if that's their thing) disability or not.

If you acquired the disability late in life I think there is a lot that determines whether their sex drive and desire to engage and initiate decreases or not. I think there are a number of things that play into that.

FIRST - Let's all acknowledge that ableism is a son of a bitch. Ableism isolates, excludes, stigmatizes, etc. I was a very confident and attractive guy when I got injured and permanently disabled. So the stigma, the lack of access, did NOT deter me from chasing, flirting, and having a good time. Not saying it didn't impact me at all. In my case it was not a deterrent. If a person didn't come to the disability with self confidence in who they are, what they look like... THEN I can see how detrimental ableism with lack of access and stigma could be. Might deter them from wanting to engage all together or as vigorously as before.

SECOND - I think their previous experiences also play a role. If their focus was vanilla... straight forward.. not much foreplay.. or toys... or variety... missionary.. focus on my cock in pussy.. that's most of what sex is and what matters... THEN I can understand how they would have a harder time post injury. IF you're not used to being creative and imaginative, whether it's because of lack of opportunity OR lack of personal vision.. well... then they might have even a harder time adapting post injury coming to the disability.

THIRD - I think basic access to healthcare and basic access in employment.. not to mention stress of job, which can be compounded by whether their place of work is accessible can play a part. My current job is extremely demanding and high stress. I make so many decisions which puts a lot of weight on my shoulders every day. Combine that with the disability being its own full time job, I just don't have it in me to engage and plan like I used to before this job. Doesn't mean the desire isn't there. It's just that I don't have the time like I used to. AND let's be honest, high stress life impacts the sex life of ANYONE.. leg walker and disabled alike.

FOURTH - IF YOU ACQUIRED disability later in life, then you have to relearn yourself and that means relearning your sexuality, sexual desires, capability, and creativity within what creates connection, intimacy, pleasure.. etc. Because of that fact, you might find your tastes and desires changing and evolving in a way that it might not have pre injury and if you never became disabled. That combined with stress has me exploring my sub head space a lot more. Going through a journey where soft femdom is extremely hot for me. And I tend to flirt with girls that make it easy for me (I am allowed to chat and flirt). When me and my current partner met I was hard into domming and just only being a dom. Had time to initiate, plan, put things together and always take the lead and be in the lead. She was and still is very much a sub. She has tried to delve into doing more for my sake. She has been great at trying to plan trips and outings and what not. BUT when it comes to being more in charge sexually, she just is not really into it. So when I'm in my sub head space I am very much on my own. When I get back into my Dom head space, then I very much take that energy ASAP back to her. BUT because I have changed and evolved since the beginning of my disability and my relationship, that has impacted frequency. Does that make sense?

Last thing I will say is that for me giving and getting orgasms was very much the goal of play pre injury. I have always been open, adventurous, creative.. which has served me well post injury. The focusing on orgasms has evolved in becoming a vampire of sorts of orgasms. Before being committed, I enjoyed making women and men cum alike. In a weird way, I felt like when they were breathing harder and harder, heart thumping.. being able to feel that.. being able to feel them flex... convulse.. tighten.. THAT would only cause me to work harder.. breath harder myself... match their energy and when they had a release then I had a release of sorts. THAT BEING SAID.. since I can't orgasm in the same way.... part of the drive for quickies just isn't there in the same way. For me it's more about the mental.. head games or variety or something new or about the connection... the creativity or pushing boundaries. AND THEREFORE has very much less to do with my own orgasm.. which has impacted frequency to an extent... not a lot.. but definitely has been a factor.

We are all individuals and honestly... when you have the right partner that understands you and your disability, I suspect you will unlock that insatiable slut that can't keep their hands mouths.. and other things off you. BUT there are things that come with a disability.. depending on whether they were born with it or acquire it.. when they acquired it.. and who they have the opportunity to link up with.. that all play together in this messy algorithm of whether their inner slut is set free and unlocked.

[ProudRealist]

Jan 24, 2023 15:50:42 GMT -5 scarletfire said:

In my limited experience, men who acquired a disability after the age of sexual maturity seem a bit less interested in sex and intimacy than men who were born with a disability or acquired one when they were teenagers or younger. I notice this difference even between guys who have the same disability, like both have SCI, but one acquired it before ever having sex and the other one acquired it after several years of being sexually active. I know SCIs are all completely different from each other and hard to compare, but I still think there might be a trend.

Is this only my experience, or does anyone else think this is maybe the case? Are people who acquired an injury later less interested in sex because it's not the same or as fulfilling as before? Are people who acquired a disability earlier more comfortable with their bodies and less inhibited?

For me, it has seemed like men who acquired a disability after having active sex lives are a lot less pressed to have sex than I am used to based on mostly dating able bodied guys, which is kind of confusing but also can be nice since things don't feel rushed and it's easier to make friends. Thoughts?

Funny, I came to the exact same conclusion a few years back Whilst it does obviously vary, the many conversations i've had with other SCI peeps definitely supports this (in general)

[wheelsthrowaway1989]

I don't have a before and after to compare, been disabled since birth. I don't have any experience either, other than being kissed by 2 people. GF broke up with me before doing anything bc she was frustrated with the inconvenience of me, apparently. That was 6 years ago, and I think I just lost all drive after that. Made me like shit. Truthfully haven't had any kind of release since then even though I'm fully capable. I'm interested more in try to get to know someone more emotionally before really anything physical. More interested in really experiencing other forms of physical intimacy like actually being touched by and cuddling with a woman. At this point just feeling wanted and like I matter to someone would be a good start. lol

[nick1439]

my life exploded right after my diagnosis (@23yo), and never recovered.

so between the hypersensitivity to touch that caused muscles to spasm and the lack of any social life irl, I've definitely repressed the drive. tried dating a few years ago, ended up in a LDR with a woman I went to high school with & honestly didn't really enjoy the intimacy (or the relationship, I should never have gotten into it.).

Since then, I basically just stopped indulging the urge. it was orders of magnitude easier than quitting smoking was. I STILL crave nicotine after 6yrs, sex? Not so much.

[previousguest]

I think it really depends on the person and more importantly the situation. The mindset and confidence though go a long way..