hiimkai
New Member
Posts: 34
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by hiimkai on Jan 31, 2023 5:03:52 GMT -5
Admittedly I've not been in a relationship for quite some time, but when I was I often struggled with asking or allowing my girlfriend to help me. I still do even amongst friends. It's something I know will inevitably happen whenever I'm around friends or a significant other and they're aware as well. Yet whenever I do it just feels awkward and uncomfortable. As I continue to becoming more independent from my family, I know that I will have to ask for help more often. I know my friends / significant other (If I had one) don't mind helping me out. It's not like I'm asking them to help me with bathrooming. Just simple things like, "Can I have a sip of my drink?" or "Can you move my arm?"
I've heard of some interabled couples having a clear divide between significant other and caregiver. Where the significant other is just that and a caregiver comes in to help with the disability side of things. While with other couples the significance other does the caregiving as well.
How do ya'll handle this? Do you prefer your girlfriend/wife to help with the caregiving stuff or do you prefer them just being your girlfriend/wife?
For the devs, do you want to help as much as possible? If you're both living together would you want a outside caregiver to come in everyday? If your boyfriend was hesitant like I am how would you go about that?
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hiimkai
New Member
Posts: 34
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by hiimkai on Jan 31, 2023 6:55:08 GMT -5
If you meet someone (partner) who is willing to help, try to be more comfortable with the idea, being worried won't help much. Alot of it is I don't want to start seeing them more as a source of help and less as a partner. |
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Post by jrm on Jan 31, 2023 15:31:54 GMT -5
I'm another dev who doesn't mind helping. To me, having a caregiver around constantly is WAY too intrusive. On the other hand, I do recognize the need for balance, and a caregiver may be required at some times due to my needing to work, etc.
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Post by mnquad07 on Jan 31, 2023 16:38:34 GMT -5
well, haven't had a relationship since... Very long time. But with family, even though I know I need help and they are more than willing to help me... I don't want to inconvenience anyone and don't want to be a burden. I know, I'm not a burden but I still feel like I am a lot. 15 years, after injury, and I do it every day. I put up with that position, itches like crazy, frustration, severe spasms, more pain than I ever thought possible, etc. all because I hate asking for any kind of help. 20+ years of taking care of myself, relying on myself, doing everything myself & suddenly changes completely and I don't know if I will ever adjust. Maybe a little, as time goes by, but I'm pretty sure I will never even get close to completely accept everything and all that I need.
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Post by ayla on Jan 31, 2023 16:52:23 GMT -5
No offense mnquad07 but I wonder if you were to accept the reality that you need/could use help from others, if that would have a positive impact on your ability to connect with others? I'm a dev who's neutral on helping. It's not a turn off, and I can see some nice points of possible intimacy/connection from helping, but I can also see the down sides of being a caretaker. That role -- caretaker -- has never been part of my personal dev fantasy. My two cents is that while I feel neutral about helping, I have a positive response to someone who knows what kinds of help he needs or would appreciate and is able to communicate that well. Where is the "awkward and uncomfortable" feeling coming from? It might be useful to interrogate that more. |
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Post by mnquad07 on Jan 31, 2023 16:58:37 GMT -5
No offense mnquad07 but I wonder if you were to accept the reality that you need/could use help from others, if that would have a positive impact on your ability to connect with others? I'm a dev who's neutral on helping. It's not a turn off, and I can see some nice points of possible intimacy/connection from helping, but I can also see the down sides of being a caretaker. That role -- caretaker -- has never been part of my personal dev fantasy. My two cents is that while I feel neutral about helping, I have a positive response to someone who knows what kinds of help he needs or would appreciate and is able to communicate that well. Where is the "awkward and uncomfortable" feeling coming from? It might be useful to interrogate that more. I don't know. The situation would have to be there. Nothing is uncomfortable or awkward, I've never been that type. I've never met any "dev" in person nor young person in wheelchair. I'm sure, experience changes situations and everything. |
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Post by ayla on Jan 31, 2023 19:20:02 GMT -5
Oh sorry mnquad07 I should have clarified that the second part of my comment was directed more to the OP. I was asking the him more about feeling “awkward and uncomfortable” because that’s how he described those situations in the past. However, I do believe that our attitude has a role in creating the situations we encounter. Just food for thought. Like it might not seem like it in the moment but these things have a butterfly effect. If you make it a point not to ask others for help, you don’t give them a chance to enjoy being helpful; to have a positive association, to think of you more readily when wanting to make introductions and so on. I think we need to act in line with our wishes and put out the energy we wish to receive, even if we don’t know the exact way in which those things may be connected. Edited: formatting |
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Post by mnquad07 on Feb 1, 2023 16:00:32 GMT -5
Oh sorry mnquad07 I should have clarified that the second part of my comment was directed more to the OP. I was asking the him more about feeling “awkward and uncomfortable” because that’s how he described those situations in the past. However, I do believe that our attitude has a role in creating the situations we encounter. Just food for thought. Like it might not seem like it in the moment but these things have a butterfly effect. If you make it a point not to ask others for help, you don’t give them a chance to enjoy being helpful; to have a positive association, to think of you more readily when wanting to make introductions and so on. I think we need to act in line with our wishes and put out the energy we wish to receive, even if we don’t know the exact way in which those things may be connected. Edited: formatting I can't really argue with that, nor do I want to. |
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Post by blueskye101 on Feb 1, 2023 17:49:23 GMT -5
Just a heads up. This has been discussed a lot in past. Every Dev has a different view. Check the search and you will find lots of answers in many threads.
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