Motivation for Pretenders and Wannabes?

[lisa]

I am a devo. I am attracted to disabled men for reasons I cannot explain. I just know that the sight of a paraplegic in a wheelchair or using crutches and braces does something to me that nothing else does.

So I may be asking a question that has no answer: Why do pretenders pretend?

Question 2: What aspect of being a para or a quad drives the wannabe?

Is it different for everyone?

I mean no offense using the terms "pretender" and "wannabe." I don't know any other terms.

Pretenders and wannabes on the board, I would love to understand. Can you help?

[Lee]

That's a tough question, Lisa....

If you read my story, "The Perfect Couple", I tried to explain my feelings somewhat there. Obviously, it's hard to explain and I don't really understand it all that well myself.

Maybe someone else should take a stab at this first...

[Sean]

Heya Lisa,

This general topic is close to my heart, thanks for bringing it up

lisa said:

Why do pretenders pretend?

Keep in mind I can only speak for myself.

To me, using the chair helps me feel more calm. I feel I am more *me* when I wheel. It's a question of self-image. I perceive myself as a wheeler, and when I walk, I am really uncomfortable with myself.

I find myself generally more self-confident when I wheel.

Wheeling, for me, is not a sexual turn on. My late spouse once told me that she thought I was sexier when I was wheeling (she was a para), but not because of the chair. She said that my personality came through much more clearly and confidently when I was wheeling, which she found to be very attractive.

lisa said:

What aspect of being a para or a quad drives the wannabe?

Again, speaking for myself... It's a hard question to answer. The lack of sensation is attractive. The inability to control one own's movement is also attractive to me. Again, not a turn on. Dunno how else to explain it. (not concisely anyway, and I've been accused of being "verbose", yes Mr. W, you know who you are! ).

lisa said:

Is it different for everyone?

I would think it is.

That said, I do think that there are more similarities than not. I wish that all the different segments of the wannabe community rallied together, rather than playing petty politiks... Why do the amputee wannabes community have to think they are the "best" and that para wannabes are "sick"? (I know I'm speaking in general terms here, but I am speaking from 12 years of interaction in that community).

I also think that there are more similarities than differences between transexuals and wannabes. In fact, i coined the term transabled, which I would like to see used in conjunction with BIID, like transexuals and GID. Body Identity Integrity Disorder being the actual medical label for the "condition", and transability being the more usable label. But I seem to be the only one looking at this. To me, transabled is a much more palatable term than paraphilias, acrotomophilia, and other "naughty medical terms".

lisa said:

Pretenders and wannabes on the board, I would love to understand. Can you help?

Hehehehe, *I* would love to understand myself. I've done a lot of soul searching over the last 15 years or so. I sometimes think I have the answers (or mine anyway), and sometimes I realise I don't.... <shrug>

If you have a few hours to kill and a genuine interest in learning more about it, I invite you to visit my website: transabled.org There's my story, other people's "stories", some of my thoughts about wannabeism, disability, my life, etc. I'd love to know what you think once you've seen it

And are you the Lisa who wrote "Projects"? If so, I'm really enjoying it, and you ought to deliver the next installement sooner rather than later

[Lee]

I would agree with some but not all of the things that Sean said. Like every time I am running up a flight of stairs, I have this feeling like, "This is wrong... I should need to take the elevators." It's very hard to describe.

Unlike Sean, I do get turned on by it. I don't know if that puts me in the minority or the majority. Like he said, everyone is different.

I like that term, transabled. I believe that a lot of people just aren't born into the body they're meant to have. I've read stories about people who felt a need to become amputees to the extent that they were tortured by the presence of one of their limbs.

[lisa]

Wow. Thanks to both of you for trying to explain.

First Lee:

"The Perfect Couple" reads entirely differently if I look at it as part autobiography. I realize all stories are somewhat autobiographical, but this one becomes so much more powerful knowing there is some of you in Aidan. And it does explain a lot about the desire to be disabled (at least your desire).

Sean:

I checked out your site and left a comment there for you. Your site does go a long way toward explaining transability. Thanks for pointing me to it.

And yes, I am the same Lisa who wrote "Projects." I am glad you enjoyed it. I am working on a sequel and hope to have something posted soon.

[Lee]

lisa said:

"The Perfect Couple" reads entirely differently if I look at it as part autobiography. I realize all stories are somewhat autobiographical, but this one becomes so much more powerful knowing there is some of you in Aidan. And it does explain a lot about the desire to be disabled (at least your desire).

Well, it's autobiographical in that it explains how I feel. It's not autobio in that I don't live my life the way he does. He has a lot more balls than me.

[lisa]

This may be an obvious question, but given the opportunity, you would live your life as a para? Or a quad?

[Triassic]

Transabled is a good term. It encompasses both pretenders and wannabe's, and even where devoteeism shades into it.

I wonder if the desire for attention has something to do with transabledness. You certanly do get that in the chair; plus a kind of shallow, generalized positive feeling from people.

[Sean]

Lee said:

Like every time I am running up a flight of stairs, I have this feeling like, "This is wrong... I should need to take the elevators." It's very hard to describe.

It *is* very hard to describe. But I'm with Lee on this, taking steps just feels awkward

Lee said:

Unlike Sean, I do get turned on by it. I don't know if that puts me in the minority or the majority.

I think, actually, it puts you in the majority. In any case from what I've been discussing with quite a few transabled.

I do find it difficult to fathom though. If one acquires a spinal cord injury, generally, one loses the ability to have sex (conventionally anyway). Loss of sensations, etc. Seems to be a tad incongruous to be turned on at the idea of not being able to be turned on...

Note this is not a judgement on the thing, just a statement of my own lack of understanding

Lee said:

I like that term, transabled.

I'm glad you do Yours is the first comment I've had in the year I've started using it. No one else has said "boo" one way or the other... <shrug>

Lisa said:

I checked out your site and left a comment there for you. Your site does go a long way toward explaining transability. Thanks for pointing me to it.

You're welcome Lisa. Got your comment and responded to it

Having that site up has two purposes for me. First is that I'd like people to get a better understanding, and since it's such a difficult topic to explain, exposing one's thoughts helps to paint a wider picture.

Second is that by keeping that sort of journal, I'm able to see where I've been, and kinda perhaps see where I'm going (hell in a handbasket? )

And third of course, though a much smaller part, is to share my fiction, and get a lot of kudos for it, but that's not happening much In fact, I've had people really upset with my "The Accident" story, and tell me in so many words

Cheers

[Sean]

lisa said:

This may be an obvious question, but given the opportunity, you would live your life as a para? Or a quad?

Not sure if this was for Lee or me...

Me, I chose to live as a para. If I had a choice in getting an SCI, I'd probably opt for L1-L2.

Quad just doesn't appeal, though I know I could happily live with it Though I like to have more independence than many quads can have. But it gets a little arrogant to pick and chose one's own disability...

[Sean]

Triassic said:

Transabled is a good term. It encompasses both pretenders and wannabe's, and even where devoteeism shades into it.

Thanks Triassic. Yes, I thought it was good, and that's part of how I came up with it. FWIW, you posted as I was writing my other post saying that Lee's the only one that ever commented on it

Triassic said:

I wonder if the desire for attention has something to do with transabledness. You certanly do get that in the chair; plus a kind of shallow, generalized positive feeling from people.

I'm sure that, for me, receiving attention is part of it, or was part of it at some point. I'm not sure that my transability and how it affects me now is the same as what caused me to become transabled. I do think these things evolve. I also think that to a point, the origins of how I came to feel the way I do are relatively useless in terms of coming to some sort of a satisfactory solution. (I hadn't framed this thought before, I'll have to do a site update with it! )

It is often said that to understand the cause of a problem is to have it mostly solved. As if understanding makes it all suddenly go away. I'm not sure this is true in this case. Having a better understanding doesn't hurt. But identifying the original cause(s) doesn't necessarily impact on today's situation.

But back to your question, yes, I'm sure that a certain need for attention is part of it. I'm not convinced, unlike some researchers have 'found' that it's the only source.

[Triassic]

It's funny Lee, how you mention how it feels wrong for you to take the stairs. That's how I feel about the elevator. Like; 'why the hell can't I walk stairs" because my body remembers it.

[Lee]

lisa said:

This may be an obvious question, but given the opportunity, you would live your life as a para? Or a quad?

I've thought about this one many times, but I still am not sure. Even though the idea turns me on, I definitely wouldn't want to live my entire life as a quad, although I might want to try it for a few weeks. I think being a low para would be good, but there's a difference between what you want in your fantasies and the reality of it.

[Sean]

admin said:

there's a difference between what you want in your fantasies and the reality of it.

Ohhh boy! I'm *so* glad I'm not the only guy with those "tendencies" that think that way... I think too often people forget that the *reality* of their dream is much different than than what they think it might be

[Ahiru]

lisa said:

This may be an obvious question, but given the opportunity, you would live your life as a para? Or a quad?

Me...I feel I'm "mean't" to be a T12 complete para