[Rant] Unsatisfying sex life with partner

[andyca]

Jun 24, 2023 17:02:32 GMT -5 wonkywheeler said:

Thanks everyone for the kind replies. You are all awesome.
As for an update, I am slowly working to convince my wife to be more sexually active. We shall see if it works out. However, not having sex isn't the end of the world to me.

Hi, Sorry to hear you are going through this my friend. Feel for you. Relationships are difficult, even without a disability. If I could add my two cents, you will get much farther in your goals if you try less to convince her than to understand her. I dont know what your limitations are but understanding her, does not mean you cant take care of your needs. Just my two cents.

[King Cripple]

I'm always a big proponent of adjusting my mindset first to see where I can achieve happiness for myself rather than rely on someone else to make a different choice. There isn't always a viable option, and if your current situation ultimately proves to be untenable, you'll have to make a completely different choice altogether. But before you do anything you might regret, I have a few thoughts for you to consider.

I recently got out of a 3.5 year relationship, and we only had one sexual encounter in the last three years. While I don't believe it was ideal for either of us, certain circumstances were also completely out of our control. The thing I took upon myself to identify is what exactly sex represents to me in the relationship. Why is it important? What do I receive from it? I cannot actually achieve anything close to an erection or climax, so I've always thought about sex in broader terms than most. While it can be as simple as some carnal pleasure and physical release, sex can also serve as a cure for many other ails. Start by making an honest and thorough assessment of what it represents to you. Is it closeness? Is it vulnerability? Once you know what it represents to you, then see what you can do outside of the bedroom to fulfill those individual needs.

The other thing I'd try to do is redirect or repurpose whatever I was feeling towards a more productive endeavor. In other words, try to sublimate your sexual frustrations towards healthier pursuits. If I could elevate my heart rate and perform some sort of physical exertion, I'd most likely engage in such activities whenever I felt sexually unfulfilled. But like many other things in my life, this is not an option. So I'd often try to do something creative whenever the "mood" struck. It didn't need to be anything significant or profound. I'd pick up a piece of writing I was slowly scratching away at or work on a short poem simply to change my focus. And if your partner enjoys such activities, make her a part of it. She doesn't even need to know why.

In my opinion, too many guys believe the best outlet for their sexual frustrations is porn. I know this because I once thought this way, too. But I now believe this to be foolish and ultimately counterproductive. Are you familiar with the old Native American adage about the two wolves that live in us all? As it goes, there is a battle between two wolves in each of us. One is good. The other is evil. And the one that wins is the one you feed. If you're feeling sexually frustrated, porn will do nothing but add to your frustrations. So let that bitch starve until you and your partner choose to feed her proper.

[dutchdev]

@king cripple, so much respect for your response, essentially it comes down to mind over matter. The mind is such a powerful instrument which we don’t nearly use enough. A lot of our unhappiness can be redirected with the power of the mind. How many of us struggle, while we know our basic needs are met and even surpassed. Happiness is not mainly circumstances but the power to direct your mind to a happy place.

I once read a study where people where asked to grade their live and they repeated it several times over a couple of years. People kept grading their lives with more or less the same number regardless of circumstances. Including mayor highs and lows.

[Celaena]

Are you and your wife intimate apart from sex? Like, do you hold hands? Cuddle on the couch? Make out once in a while?

One thing that I realized about my own relationship recently was that my husband and I were almost never touching unless we were having sex. That meant that whenever he would touch me- lean in for a kiss, hug, etc,- I had this conditioning mindset that every touch would result in sex. Now, I love sex. It is awesome. But... I don't always want it. It felt like every touch led to the expectation of sex, if that makes sense.

To be clear, that was a mindgame I played on myself. My husband isn't a cuddler, he runs hot so we don't sleep pressed together, and having young kids means that unexpected non-sexual intimacy is rare.

I saw a video one day about a woman who makes out with her husband every day for the exact reason of having physical contact without sex. After I saw that, it was like something clicked. My hubs isn't naturally snuggly, but he can take direction and act. Knowing how I felt, now we are both making an effort to touch more and be more physically connected outside of the bedroom. It has made a positive impact for us, so maybe approaching things with your wife in a similar manner could be helpful?

Two other thoughts to echo what others have said about communication...

Love languages. If you haven't had the conversation before, take some time to do a quick quiz together and talk about it. The whole idea is behind both receiving love the way you need, but also giving love to your partner in the way they need. Just having the conversation can open up some deeper conversation.

And when that doesn't work... Try to SBI model. Situation, behavior, impact. Frame the situation, how the other behaved, and how it made you feel. It keeps the blame away but opens up the conversation to better understand each other and frame your mindset without getting accusatory.

Situation: on Friday night, we were cuddled in bed after a date night.

Behavior: you were rubbing my chest and reaching lower, but then you turned away and said, "no sex for you."

Impact: I felt confused because I initially thought you wanted it with your hand dipping closer to my disco stick, then changed your mind. That makes me feel like I did something wrong/I'm not desirable/like you have no interest in me/etc.

Frame actions truthfully without letting your perspective cloud it in the behavior, then explain how you interpreted it.

I use this SBI model all the time and it has been so helpful in getting out of my own head and being able to explain why I feel the way I do instead of making assumptions.

This is long-winded, but maybe there is a nugget of wisdom in here to help!

Long story short: Make out every day without the expectation of anything more, do a love language quiz and talk about it, write down the SBI as things happen to have more productive communication.

[newjess]

Celaena absolutely love your response. My partner and I intentionally did this as well and it was very healing for me.

I was working through some heavy stuff when we first met, and physical intimacy had gotten to a place where it triggered my fight or flight response, due to associated feelings of coercion and pressure throughout my life (not from my current partner at all though, it was just this auto response from past history).

I asked if we could just take sex off the table for a bit so that we could be physically intimate without any pressure (for me) and he was incredibly patient and wonderful about it. This alone kickstarted my sex drive back, as I'm super demisexual, and feeling safe and supported in this way was truly amazing.

Of course our situations are different, but in general I think the idea of intentionally engaging in physical intimacy without any expectations is so important. Thanks for sharing your experience!

[wonkywheeler]

I really should have checked this thread more often after my last reply. There is a lot of good advice which I am interested in trying. I've also been talking to my physiotherapist about my sex life and she gave me similar advice as in this thread. Haha, although she also suggested it wouldn't be unethical to secretly find sexual fulfillment elsewhere if it saves my marriage. Anyway, lots of things to consider. Thanks again for everyone's input on this topic. I really appreciate it.

[mnquad07]

there's more to a relationship then sex. Unless it's being used as a reason to split up. I'm not a professional, nor did I ever play one on TV, but communication and needed conversation between both of you should take place. Put everything out on the table, EVERYTHING!

[quarantinetoughguy]

Mar 27, 2024 8:38:53 GMT -5 wonkywheeler said:

I really should have checked this thread more often after my last reply. There is a lot of good advice which I am interested in trying. I've also been talking to my physiotherapist about my sex life and she gave me similar advice as in this thread. Haha, although she also suggested it wouldn't be unethical to secretly find sexual fulfillment elsewhere if it saves my marriage. Anyway, lots of things to consider. Thanks again for everyone's input on this topic. I really appreciate it.

"Haha, although she also suggested it wouldn't be unethical to secretly find sexual fulfillment elsewhere if it saves my marriage."

LMAO. WTF??? 

HOW in the BLUE FUCK is it not unethical to "secretly" find sexual fulfillment elsewhere? 

people with this mentality make me sick. 

you're either WITH your partner and you RESPECT them enough to make these decisions together.

Or you're an unethical child sneaking around someone's back.

ALSO FYI it doesn't make you smart to successfully lie to someone who trusts you. It's easy to lie to someone who trusts you. I'm sure you could easily find fulfillment elsewhere and she'd never know..... but is that the type of person you are? no need to answer. Just rhetorical food for thought. 

[wonkywheeler]

Mar 27, 2024 14:23:11 GMT -5 quarantinetoughguy said:

Mar 27, 2024 8:38:53 GMT -5 wonkywheeler said:

I really should have checked this thread more often after my last reply. There is a lot of good advice which I am interested in trying. I've also been talking to my physiotherapist about my sex life and she gave me similar advice as in this thread. Haha, although she also suggested it wouldn't be unethical to secretly find sexual fulfillment elsewhere if it saves my marriage. Anyway, lots of things to consider. Thanks again for everyone's input on this topic. I really appreciate it.

"Haha, although she also suggested it wouldn't be unethical to secretly find sexual fulfillment elsewhere if it saves my marriage."

LMAO. WTF??? 

HOW in the BLUE FUCK is it not unethical to "secretly" find sexual fulfillment elsewhere? 

people with this mentality make me sick. 

you're either WITH your partner and you RESPECT them enough to make these decisions together.

Or you're an unethical child sneaking around someone's back.

ALSO FYI it doesn't make you smart to successfully lie to someone who trusts you. It's easy to lie to someone who trusts you. I'm sure you could easily find fulfillment elsewhere and she'd never know..... but is that the type of person you are? no need to answer. Just rhetorical food for thought. 

Don't worry. I think it was a tongue in cheek suggestion. She isn't actually suggesting I should cheat on my wife. I've known her my whole life and she's simply silly that way
Anyway, like I said. I am taking all suggestions here to heart

[ayla]

Secrets like this in a relationship would be unethical -- i.e., CHEATING. Either the terms of the relationship suit you or they don't, and you need to be honest with one another about that. In my opinion, being asexual and expecting your non-asexual spouse to live a sexless life on your account is unrealistic and a setup for disaster. The longer you "tough it out" the greater the likelihood (or at least temptation) of cheating...and also, the more time sunk into a relationship that isn't working, deepening the pain when it ends. I think you and your wife need to come to a mutually satisfactory arrangement as to what your sexual life will be. There are a whole range of options on the non-monogamy table, from occasional "secret" (as in, you have permission as long as she doesn't have to be aware of exactly who/when/etc) liaisons to full on polyamory and everything in between. I don't think permanent abstinence for one partner is a good solution, even if you may be willing to accept it now. Look at the long term impact on your partnership.

[quarantinetoughguy]

Mar 28, 2024 9:11:10 GMT -5 wonkywheeler said:

Mar 27, 2024 14:23:11 GMT -5 quarantinetoughguy said:

"Haha, although she also suggested it wouldn't be unethical to secretly find sexual fulfillment elsewhere if it saves my marriage."

LMAO. WTF??? 

HOW in the BLUE FUCK is it not unethical to "secretly" find sexual fulfillment elsewhere? 

people with this mentality make me sick. 

you're either WITH your partner and you RESPECT them enough to make these decisions together.

Or you're an unethical child sneaking around someone's back.

ALSO FYI it doesn't make you smart to successfully lie to someone who trusts you. It's easy to lie to someone who trusts you. I'm sure you could easily find fulfillment elsewhere and she'd never know..... but is that the type of person you are? no need to answer. Just rhetorical food for thought. 

Don't worry. I think it was a tongue in cheek suggestion. She isn't actually suggesting I should cheat on my wife. I've known her my whole life and she's simply silly that way
Anyway, like I said. I am taking all suggestions here to heart

wow. that's a pretty impressive next-level back-peddling

you clearly were not joking

But... you can pretend that you were, if you prefer that. Hehe! so quirky! 

Cheating on your wife "to save" your marriage is literally the definition of someone trying to be a justified sinner.

just talk to her and come to an agreement as two adults, you owe her that much. Don't sneak around like a rat.

[Green]

Mar 27, 2024 8:38:53 GMT -5 wonkywheeler said:

I really should have checked this thread more often after my last reply. There is a lot of good advice which I am interested in trying. I've also been talking to my physiotherapist about my sex life and she gave me similar advice as in this thread. Haha, although she also suggested it wouldn't be unethical to secretly find sexual fulfillment elsewhere if it saves my marriage. Anyway, lots of things to consider. Thanks again for everyone's input on this topic. I really appreciate it.

I believe you that it was a joke, but the fact that you shared your friend's joke here makes me wonder if there is something captivating about it for you. If you were suddenly sexually satisfied, regardless of who it was, would your marriage be saved? I mean, there is nothing wrong about saying that sex is important for you, and if there is truly not something underlying and deeper going on in the relationship, it's just a fundamental incompatibility. That isn't necessarily saying you shouldn't be married to her, more so that she should not be considered a romantic partner. But, that's assuming that the lack of sex is not a symptom of a larger issue.

Mar 29, 2024 9:35:38 GMT -5 quarantinetoughguy said:

you clearly were not joking

Read more carefully, his friend said it, not him.