Ladies i need help

[xana]

Hi all,

i know i have not been an active member but i read all the posts but never give my two cents cause someone else has said what i am thinking and feeling. any way as the subject said i need some advice or else i think i will end up losing my mind or come close to it.

ok here is my dillema i have never actually live or been with a wheeler that is not the problem though. i met this great guy last year we chatted and he actually got me (i mean he understood me) i know i fell too fast for him (i have had such improper thoughts about him and its usually at church not a good thing) well i thought of him everywhere at work i will walk around with a stupid grin on my face that some people actually thought i had completely lost it. but now i do not even want to smile i just want to crawl in a hole and die. the thing is i am usually such a strong person but he just blow all of the barriers i had build around my heart away and i am left defenceless thank you very much.

ok i should get to the point and stop rambling. anyway the last time i did not hear from him he had a bad UTI but once he was better he was back online and everything was going great we were planning to meet and all that but i live half a world away and it cost an arm and a leg and a bit more to get to the States.( i mean i live in Seychelles and he is in the States) any way that is not the problem though it is part of the problem for me in meeting any of the guys on this board all of them live in Europe or the States no one lives anywhere near where i live ok rambling once again sorry.

well the thing is my wheeler guy i mean i have not heard from him since before christmas and i am kind of worried, and i have had all sort of thoughts go through my mind such as (he is de*d God forbid i hope it is just me worrying and that he is fine or he is sick in the hospital) i do not know what to think or do should i wait or should i try to move on with my life and try and meet someone else. what if i meet someone else and then he comes back. help me ladies i don't know what to do.

[georgia]

Xana, I know it's tough but try not to worry. If something bad had happened, it would likely have made its way onto the board. I say move on. Take your time. There are plenty of great guys on this board to chat with. There are hundreds of reasons why you haven't heard from this guy again, but just assume that he's moving on and you can, too.

[Claire]

I dunno, I really hate that kind of worry. Xana didn't say if it was someone on this board or not. I would actually try to call his place of work, or get in touch with family, or something. Then you would KNOW. There is nothing worse than not knowing. I'm not saying to stalk him or anything...just one call to see if he's okay. If he is, then you'll know that he has moved on. If something happened to him, you'll know that too. It would set your mind at ease.

[charlene]

claire said:

I dunno, I really hate that kind of worry. Xana didn't say if it was someone on this board or not. I would actually try to call his place of work, or get in touch with family, or something.

I wouldn't do that.
Maybe he just wanted to "get rid of her" the easy way.
I mean that's what happens online!!!

Xana, ask yourself if you would react in the same way if he was AB.
That's actually what AB and devogirl said on the other thread and I gotta admit thinking it over in an unemotional way helped me a lot.

Anyways, good luck with your decision!

[xana]

i have a feeling he got rid of me, like you said Charlene the easy way. complete silence until the message sinks in my hard head i suppose.
well if he was AB my reaction would be the same. i guess it is natural to worry once you have gotten to know someone. anyway i will think about it calmly and will let you all know. Thanks Girls

[devogirl]

Xana, I feel for you. I have been in a very similar situation, and it was awful. I met a wheeler guy, fell really hard for him. He lived about an hour away from me, so he was local, but we didn't know anyone in common. We had about 3 dates which were totally amazing, I was smitten, and he seemed to be too. He seemed totally into starting a serious relationship, none of that dodgy bullshit guys use to string you along. No, he called me every day, wanted to talk for hours, get to know everything about me, made all kinds of plans for the future, etc etc. Then he stood me up for a date, no phone call, nothing. Three days later said he had a bad UTI and was going into the hospital, then nothing. Calls to his cell phone got an automated message saying his voicemail was full. Weeks went by, and I was devastated. Had he been lying? Was he dead? How would I ever know? I was scared for him, confused and hurt for me. Eventually I got over it.

Then suddenly, several months later, he called me. We talked for a long time, I told him how upset I had been, he apologized profusely, and we met up in person one last time, not because I had any illusions that we would start dating, but I guess I wanted some closure. This time, I think I saw things more clearly. So what happened? I'm certain that all the health issues and the long hospitalization for a severe UTI were real, not just a lie to get rid of me. He really did have a lot of health problems, and I saw the evidence in person.

I also think he was sincere in all the nice things he said about me, and how much he really did like me. But I could see clearly later, that he was too immature and impulsive to have a real, steady, adult relationship, hence the flaking out and not calling. People (both men and women) can say nice things in the moment and mean them when they say them, but not have the emotional resources to follow through. It sucks, but for me it was easier to forgive him for being childish and inconsiderate than to think that he had intentionally deceived me. Anyway he is no longer in my life, and now I realize it was for the best.

So long story short: it is scary and not irrational to worry about his health. SCI guys can have serious health problems, more than the average AB. But chances are he's ok. It sounds in your email like you never met in person. People often form emotional relationships with partners they meet online, then drop them suddenly, and much more easily than if they had met in person, because the internet isn't "real." It's very painful to be in your situation, because you are totally helpless, but you just have to accept it and move on. Go out and exercise, do things to distract yourself, and live your normal life. Remind yourself that chances are he is fine, and whatever made him suddenly stop talking to you is HIS problem, not something you did.

[natasha]

Sorry to hear that Xana but like some girls say this can happen in online relationships!! Sucks but it does... My advice for you is to maybe go around or check online in your city if theres any disabled sports for example that maybe you could "accidentally" show up and maybe meet "casually"someone (I know its stalking,but you never know) of course if you're not too shy to expose yourself out there...

I think that you want to be with a wheeler so bad that maybe this hurt even more..So try to meet someone local...

good luck!!!

[xana]

Thanks ladies, Devogirl maybe he is ok but it will be great to have closure you know but i will move on like they say there are plenty of fish in the sea but the sea where i am located seem depleted of fish. i might try and migrate somewhere else where the population of wheeler is higher. because in seychelles i have not yet met anyone and there are n't any disbaled sports club, and i could take up stalking as a part time activity if ever i am anywhere near a large city. oh well its an experience and i am learning. so thanks ladies

[Claire]

I won't say that anyone has given you bad advice. It's GOOD advice. Very good. But it depends on how easy it is for you to move on.

I've been in this situation, although it wasn't a romantic thing. I have an online friend who has BIID like I do and we're very close, and he lives on the other side of the world. We can talk to each other about things we can't talk to anyone else about. We both have partners in our lives but we can't even talk to them about a lot of things. NO ONE understands like he does. But things were a bit difficult between us for short while, and then he had a minor health problem. Then he just disappeared. I was FRANTIC. It turns out that he was, indeed, in the hospital, (his minor health problem had turned into something less minor) and he had asked a local friend to email me but that person got the message screwed up. It was only a few days, but a bad few days. It's one of the worst feelings in the world, not to know. If you can let it go, then by all means, let it go, and move on. But if you give it some more time and you find that you can't let it go, I think it's best to find out for sure, so that you can get some closure.

I wish you luck.

[dolly]

xana, i feel for you. it's a tough situation. i agree that it's likely that he has just 'disappeared' the way people sometimes do on the internet. brutal, but it happens. and i'm sorry it has happened to you. however on the flip side i can understand your need to "know" as well. sit with it a while, try and move on. in the end i think the best advice is always to trust your gut which is easier to do once the initial emotional reaction fades.




(how much contact info did you have for him? ie. last (or real) name, phone #, etc?)