What am I?

[me]

Growing up my grandfather was in a wheelchair due to MS and I also had a deaf friend and another friend in a wheelchair at school. I can remember at a very young age pretending my Cindy doll was paralysed and thinking a older boy with a prosthetic leg was 'hot'. As a teenager I dated a couple of people with disabilities one of whom was a quad and a lot of the short stories I wrote had disabled characters in. I often dream about being paralysed and since one of my best friends broke her neck try to imagine what being paralysed is really like.
I'm still curious/fascinated by quadriplegia and am quite well educated about disabilities due to research, courses etc involved with both my degree and job and also several forum I joined to find information for my friend.
Through my friend I have had contact with several pretty hot wheelers and also some male dev's who seem obessed with the disability.
I'm often attracted to guys in wheelchairs especially quads but they are the type of men I'd be attracted to if they weren't in wheelchairs as well and have often thought that I'm attracted to them because I'm not scared etc of their disability due always having people with disabilities in my life and having some theoretical knowledge about paralysis. I don't obsess about disabled guys bodies and the guy who was a quad who I fell in love with (It didn't work out as I was with someone else and too scared to leap into a new relationship which I bitterly regret) I loved because of who he was as a person and despite of him being a wheeler. I also have no desire to become someones carer.
But I certainly have a fascination with/about wheelchair users/paralysis and I'm not sure if that's linked to my own disability or not.
I've been lurking on this site for nearly a year but have never really known what to post as i'm not sure if my a dev/pretender or what?
(I'm sorry if this is a little muddled, it's the first time I've really told anyone about this)

[BA]

Glad you finally posted, me. I don't think you have to define yourself as anything, really. I spent alot of time worrying about being labled as to what I 'was'. I never even knew the term devotee existed until 2 or 3 years ago. It sounds like you are about where a good bunch of us are, which is sometimes (alot, frequently, often, more than usual) surrounding ourselves (by chance or choice) with individuals who have disabilities.

Since you have had the exposure to people w/ disabilities, you comfort level is higher than most. Are some of your tendencies "dev' (seeking out, thinking about, dreaming about). It sounds that way. It doesn't make you obsessed with it.

One thing I will say. It sounds like you are on a few forums where there are a high number of male devotees of disabled women. I do not think you belong there. For whatever reason, male devotees are particularly obsessive, very focused on "the disability" and not the person and they make me uncomfortable. They love sharing photos and other visual types of things. Sometimes, downright skanky. I think to compare yourself to a male dev. is making you confused. Women are quite different in the way we experience the whole phenomenon. It is more emotional and diffuse.

So glad you posted and I hope you will join us and find you are not alone.

[Ciao Bella]

I would agree with AB about not having to label yourself as anything. You are comfortable with what you know and desire and curious about, and that should (to some people) suffice. However, I also see your point about giving a name (labeling) something in an attempt to reconcile reason to emotion.

Reading your post made me recall memories that I have forgotten. One of my best friends' aunt was a quadriplegic, and at such a young age, I was curious how she went about doing things, and most esp. how people would help her with her personal matters. I would be so happy when my friend invited me to their place for the afternoon coz that meant spending a good part of the day with her aunt just talking. In school, there was a girl with polio and braces. If I happened to be around when she needed to get up the stairs, I would offer my assistance. Later in university, my good friend's mom had MS. I would be secretly happy when we'd have to dress her up and put make-up on her and then take her out for a meal.

Although these situations happened by chance for me, it nevertheless strengthened my "dev" tendencies. I would then consciously seek out places where I could meet guys with disabilities. My suggested topic for my thesis was "Disabled Persons in Media and How they influence Society". Of course it wasn't accepted by the panel at the time. When I discovered the internet, I searched for paraplegia, polio, MS, MD - you name it, I found it. And that's how I found the label we now know as "Devotee". Though at the time, the information on devs left a sickening feeling in the tummy. Oh yes, like you I spent many days in the library reading up on different disabilities.

Sorry for boring you with details but I never really had the guts to tell my stories until now. And there's plenty more where they came from

[Claire]

me said:

But I certainly have a fascination with/about wheelchair users/paralysis and I'm not sure if that's linked to my own disability or not.
I've been lurking on this site for nearly a year but have never really known what to post as i'm not sure if my a dev/pretender or what???

Labels can help us to define ourselves, but they can also be damaging. A label allows us to fit into a community, but at the same time, can exclude us from others. Being able to put a label on confused thoughts and emotions can be validating, as well. It can help you both come to terms with them and come to understand them. But we are all so much more than the labels we attach to ourselves.

I've found that embracing the labels (devotee, wannabe, pretender) was liberating in one sense. It helped me realize who and what I was and find a community. But in another sense, I have found that in the end, the labels (wannabe and pretender specifically) are far from telling the whole story and they trivialize and juvenilize (if that's a word) the reality of "wanting [needing] to be" - they make it sound like a fad and a joy ride -- which it is decidedly not. And as AB said, "devotee" has negative associations of its own.

So, you're part of the wide "fascination with disability" spectrum. You may be a devotee and may have wannabe tendencies, but there is much more meaning to those words than what is commonly attached to them.

You're not a pretender, though, unless you've actually been pretending. And if you *have* been pretending, then if you have BIID, then it's not "pretending" at all. It's just using a wheelchair for different reasons.

Welcome, and I hope to hear more from you. Feel free to send me a private message.

[dolly]

"whatever" you are, and for whatever reason, you seem to like guys in chairs... so you definitely belong here, at least.

welcome.

[Ciao Bella]

thanks Dolly! your previous question about "outing" to wheelers is an interesting one. Would you like to start a new thread on that topic?