Desires

[Ciao Bella]

I have been reading an amazing book called "Intimacy & Solitude" where towards the end, the author talks about desires and sex and intimacy in that context, something she wrote suddenly gave me the A-HA! moment and I thought was somehow appropriate to us devs. Of course, the idea is not hole-proof, but gave me another insight as to why I am a dev.

Stephanie Dowrick (the author) writes " Obssessive interest in your own and other people's looks( we can add here, physical attributes), material possessions, is in general, a symptom of a lack of a secure sense of self, and the genuine power-from-within that goes with that. Desiring someone else's wealth...may also express envy or a belief that with the addition to your life of those assets - your life might be substantially safer or more admirable than anything you can manage on your own...Fill me up, it pleads. Pour yourself into me for I am empty ( I personally thought these last two lines were beautifully and so succinctly written) (italics mine). She further says that "why someone would focus on ass rather than breasts, or lips or wallet, adds a touch of individuality to the scenario, but basically the play reamins the same. Out of my lack of wholeness, I focus on a part of you"

So at the risk of sounding like I'm going around in circles, I am a dev because there is something lacking in my own person, which the right para (whom I have found) fills. At the same time though, the author also posits that what we desire is an indication of what we want for ourselves, and while I am adamant that I am not a wannabe (no offense to those who are), I can't help but think just how much truth is there to what she's written? Could it be possible that self-proclaimed devs only, have a tiny bit of "wannabeism" in them?

Interested to read what the other devs think...

[charlene]

Aug 23, 2008 21:23:37 GMT -5 Ciao Bella said:

Desiring someone else's wealth...may also express envy or a belief that with the addition to your life of those assets - your life might be substantially safer or more admirable than anything you can manage on your own...Fill me up, it pleads. Pour yourself into me for I am empty ( I personally thought these last two lines were beautifully and so succinctly written) (italics mine). She further says that "why someone would focus on ass rather than breasts, or lips or wallet, adds a touch of individuality to the scenario, but basically the play reamins the same. Out of my lack of wholeness, I focus on a part of you"

So at the risk of sounding like I'm going around in circles, I am a dev because there is something lacking in my own person, which the right para (whom I have found) fills. At the same time though, the author also posits that what we desire is an indication of what we want for ourselves, and while I am adamant that I am not a wannabe (no offense to those who are), I can't help but think just how much truth is there to what she's written? Could it be possible that self-proclaimed devs only, have a tiny bit of "wannabeism" in them?

Interested to read what the other devs think...

Very nice quote, Isabelle.


While I can understand why somebody less fortunate (moneywise) would seek wealth in a partner, I still don't get why I want to be with wheelers.

For me it's not that simple to seize.

I mean, I know how it must feel to be with your perfect match, your soulmate, somebody who completes you. But for me that could as well happen with an AB.

All I know is, that it must be a (sexual) desire deep within myself and honestly, I stopped looking for a reason.

[Claire]

Isabelle, this so deserves and answer. I expected this chorus of "no effing way!" but I find it interesting that of all the devs who have logged in since you posted this, you got exactly one response.

So, I've been considering a response myself. The problem is that what I have to say, I've already said. But for whatever it's worth, I'll repeat myself now. If nobody ever posts because whatever topic we're discussing was talked about back in early 2006, then this place is dead.

I *don't* know the exact relationship between BIID and devoteeism. But clearly, there is a close one. The fact is that devoteeism and BIID go hand in hand, as evidenced by the huge percentage of people who experience both. There has actually been research done on this (apologies to those who have seen me post this before):

In 1996, an adjunct professor of social work at Loma Linda University in California did his doctoral dissertation on acromotophilia (the clinical term for “devoteeism”, although I hate the word). In a survey of 50 devotees, 25% of them also desired the disability they were attracted to. This information is found on page 213 of the book Better Than Well: American Medicine Meets the American Dream by Dr. Carl Elliott. There’s a whole chapter devoted to BIID in this book, and he talks about devoteeism as well.

Desire for amputation of a limb: paraphilia, psychosis, or a new type of identity disorder was a study conducted in 2004 by Dr. Michael B. First of the Columbia University Department of Psychiatry. (He concluded that it was an identity disorder, btw). In a study of 52 subjects, 87% of people desiring amputation reported being sexually attracted to amputees.

We don't see this here very much, for a couple reasons that I can think of.

From personal experience, many people with BIID that I know are devotees, but few of those are women. And the BIID eats them up more than the devoteeism does. The female devotees with BIID that I personally know are much more active in BIID circles.

The other is that the devs who post here who do have wannabe tendencies aren't saying so (because there are wheelers on the board and they don't want to displease?). I have been told privately and I will not disclose any names. Eric recently pointed out to me that in the beginning of this board, there was MUCH more discussion about BIID (they just called it "wannabe" back then, but I hate the term!) and pretending and the discussion was way more open. I was even surprised to find that devotees who I had only known as devotees actually admitted, then, to having pretended before. Then, when the wheelers showed up, all that dried up. I can understand why, given the controversy I was personally embroiled in when I first showed up.

But just to be clear, I'm not saying that all devotees have latent BIID. I don't know. My personal theory is one underlying cause with multiple possible manifestations. But I'm neither a neurologist nor a psychiatrist. What I *do* know is that the combination of the two is more common than what appears on this board, and they are very closely related.

[Ciao Bella]

That is very interesting, Claire. I don't know much about BIID except the little bits and pieces I've read about and what I personally encountered with a previous relationship. He was a self-admitted "wannabe" (I know you hate the term, but it's easier to type this word LOL) and a devotee of female amps. I will not pretend to understand the anguish he, you, and many others go through but I do empathize.

[me]

I think you hit the nail on the head Isabelle, well for me anyways.