Maybe?

[Ciao Bella]

I'm probably shooting myself in the foot here but let me ask you girlies out there...

Apart from the first difficult obstacle of finding the right guy, why can't/don't you just go out and try being with a wheeler even if it's just for a one-night stand (no offence to people who don't agree with this). My point is, if you think you can handle being with a wheeler after the first several encounters, then by all means do it! I have found that ever since I've been with my guy, I haven't been consumed by my devness and my life is now progressing towards other goals that were continualy being put on hold because that part of my life had not been fulfilled.

And please don't think that I don't know how hard it is being consumed by all this. I have lived with it practically my whole life, and i know first hand how difficult it is to try to finish a thesis or try to climb the corporate ladder or find and stick to a new hobby with your mind always wandering towards that wheeler you saw in the elevator or the guy with polio getting up the stairs with his crutches. I even attempted to write my thesis on disability and the media just so I'll have a reason to go out and meet wheelers (yes, pathetic I know - but that's just my point). And no, the panel didn't approve my suggestion for the thesis because I wan't related or involved with a disabled person (now, THAT is pathetic).

So go forth and find wheelers to date!

***you can shoot me now if you want***

[BA]

I think that there maybe are some girlies out there who are terrified to "try" being with a wheeler. I don't know why. Maybe the fantasy has been built up to such proportions over many years that if actually fufilled some sort of imaginary 'bubble' might burst. I don't know, I can only speak for myself. I had my opportunity, in my single days to date wheelers, and I did. I did not limit or restrict myself to wheelers at any point (sometimes I think I should have) and ended up married to an AB guy. If there were a site like this back in the day (oh, say 1983 or so), I am sure things would be different.

I think all unattached devs would really benefit from having several wheeler experiences. I say several because, it is truly unlikely that you will instantly meet the wheeler love-of-your-life/soulmate on the first try - and if you have one bad experience you don't want to generalize it to the entire wheeler community ( I've seen this happen too ).

My question is this. If you are unattached and have the longing, what do you think is actually stopping you from experiencing the real deal?

[Inigo Montoya]

I'll type this up, feel anxious about it and eventually (well, prolly quickly) delete it. lol And I don't think anyone's going to shoot you.

There are several reasons for me, actually. Chiefly that I suck with man relationships. Seriously. So much so, that I get to a place where I think a relationship will begin and that's the point that he's done. I don't know what the hell I do, but that's what happens... a life long pattern that my counselor hasn't been able to fix yet (or me with her help however you want to look at it).

Another thing is that I'm afraid of spectacularly f*cking up with a wheeler... that's if you totally disregard the fact that they're pretty scarce in my little country town. Men in general are pretty scarce, here. And by f*cking up, I mean saying absolutely the wrong things, etc. I have had one encounter with a wheeler, and during our short time together I know I said some things that were stupid. And there were other things that I feel like I handled badly through ignorance and my own insecurity.

I have also always felt weird whenever I have looked at any disabled dating sites. Weird as in no right to be signing up on one, like not being welcome there. Well, actually, any disability sites in general I would feel like I'd be likely to get thrown out or off. Like site admins have some psychic computer energy and would immediately know me for what I am. And I'm not sure it's as strong a drive for me as it is others here. Sometimes I feel like a fraud here too.

Anyway, there's a little for you, from one of the more chickensh*t devs.

[Claire]

I am with clover. Dating is a moot point for me now being married, but back in the day, when I was single, whenever I met a wheeler I was forever saying or doing something really st00pid. I'd get nervous and in trying so hard to act natural and act like their disability is no big deal and that I'm all enlightened about disability, I'd invariably give the impression that I'm extremely uncomfortable with their disability, my smile was forced, and I'd say or do something that I later regretted for being totally inane or inappropriate.

I just could not deal with them. Even later, when I was married and not looking to hook up, when I came across a wheeler in a situation where smalltalk was appropriate, I was still acting the same way. Couldn't strike up a conversation, or act normal. Stare at them, look quickly away if they saw me, and act like an idiot and generally give the impression that I have some big problem with their disability. Avoid them if possible.

I'm largely over this now but that only happened when I started interacting with them on a different level. I can't interact with them as a walking devotee. I *can* interact naturally with them as a wheelchair user.

[faith]

Okay ladies- you are touching on something that I also have been giving much thought too lately.

I tried to describe it to a friend...
Being a dev is just one of many things that makes us who we are.
We are moms, sisters, friends, daughters- we have jobs that often identify us- and we have a multitude of other interests.
But no matter how rewarding those other things are in our life, even if some of those areas overflow with joy, none of the other stuff FILLS the dev part of us.

In the past I have tried to hide those dev spaces or tried to cover them up with other things, but nothing is just that right fit.
Life is like a puzzle (now I sound like Forrest Gump!)- you have to find just the right piece to make it work.

And if the right piece is not in that spot- I know I keep going back to it again and again.
It may have taken me 40 years but I know now

isabelle- I think you are absolutely correct.

So here is a question for us all....
Is it worth the risk? Is stepping out to date a wheeler - even if we say something stupid or act giddy or something out of the ordinary- is it worth the risk?
I think it is... and if it doesn't work out the first time then we have learned something from it.
Take the lesson, learn from it and try again.

[devogirl]

Yes, it is absolutely worth the risk! When I was in my early 20s, I felt like there weren't any disabled guys around, and I was terrified of acting stupid. But once I decided to seek the guys out, suddenly it was like they were everywhere. Of course, the internet helped a lot. Don't feel guilty about using those dating sites, unless there is an explicit NO DEVS policy. If you are up-front, most of the guys are happy to meet a dev. Certainly the guys on this site want to hear from you--do you all see the personals section?

I understand that fear of talking to a guy, but I think as a dev it's very important to learn to get over it and relate to disabled guys in a positive, healthy way. Hanging out with my friend's basketball team helped a lot, since I got to know guys who I had no interest in dating.
On the other hand, physical attraction alone is not enough to build a long-term relationship on. But I'm with Isabelle: go forth you devo girlies and find guys!

[BA]

We do know that some of the guys on the site read this section avidly. Even if they aren't allowed to post, I think our 'girl thoughts' really do interest them. If one of our guy members saw what you wrote ( about being afraid, or not feeling confident with men) and sent you a personal message to chat, do you feel that you would respond to him? I am sure that many of the guys are equally afraid of screwing up a relationship, saying the wrong thing or whatever. I agree totally with Devogirl. How do you get over it, unless you look at the fear straight on and give it a try!

[Ciao Bella]

Agree with AB and Devogirl that 1 encounter and physical attraction alone are enough to base a lasting relationship on. Certainly you have to keep looking, and look in the right places. Certainly you have to give into the relationship as much as you take, even more. I understand the insecurity of some girls with not knowing what to say or do and I have to admit it can be troublesome and yes, quite draining, and not to mention ego-busting when you find a man you're trying to get to know but blows you off...happened twice on this board, I'm just really lucky that I met my partner on this board after those 2 "mishaps". Mind you, we didn't meet in the most ideal of circumstances and we had our fair share of problems, but we've worked them out, and are closer than ever.

I've this several times in the past, that it may be easier to get to know guys on this board for the simple reason that being a dev is out in the open...no explanation needed, one hurdle over and done with. Not that we need to explain ourselves to anyone anyway. And girls, use your paradevo network to your advantage! If any of the girls live relatively close by, and if they're with a wheeler, maybe try hanging out with them and like Devogirl, hang around sports events. If anyone of you lived near me, I'd gladly take you along to events we attend. PM me if interested!