Does your family know?

[amy]

I was having lunch with my parents today and I told them how things have been getting kind of serious with my boyfriend. Namely, how we've been throwing around the M word. My boyfriend is an amputee (single BKA) and this topic came up, along with the pros and cons of marrying an amputee. I won't get into it, because some of them were really ridiculous and embarrassing.

Anyway, out of nowhere, my dad says like it just occurred to him: "Hey Amy, you date a lot of guys with disabilities, huh?"

I practically crawled under the table as he recounted all my previous boyfriends and all their disabilities, most of which were minor (like before my current boyfriend, I dated a guy who had severe hearing loss and wore a very sexy hearing aid... then there was another with a nerve injury from a car accident and couldn't use his right hand). Thank god he doesn't know about any casual dates I've had with wheelers because that would have really sealed it.

I really don't want my parents to know I'm a dev. Partially because I'm sure they wouldn't approve, but also because it's a sexual thing and I don't want them to know anything about my sexual preferences.

So my question to y'all is: does your family know you're a dev?

[irishclaire]

Short answer to that would be no.

My family didn't say anything till we broke up but my dad has now made it clear that he was 'worried' about my relationship with my ex, mainly coz he felt like I'd be 'missing out' on a lot of stuff. My friends felt the same but were all prepared to say nothing till I got hurt or we broke up (which happened anyway). They were also worried how far I was willing to move to be with him. Apparently the Atlantic is very large....but anyway, I just say nothing when people voice their previous concerns. As far as I'm concerned this is my life. I'll live it whatever way I want and as long as I'm not doing anyone any harm, then all will be well

[amy]

My mom actually had one "good" thing to say about it. She told me that if we get hitched, he will never ever leave me because nobody else would want him. Because we're all looking for someone who will cling to us out of desperation, right? Come on, Mom...... I think an attractive guy of 30 is very capable of finding a mate among the millions of single women in this country.

[irishclaire]

Haha well I'm living proof that that theory is wrong! We were engaged and he left me with no explanation, so it is possible. But I'm sure that won't happen you! I'm just saying that men are all the same (rage, rage.....haha)

[Dee Dee]

No, they don´t. That´s not because I´m embarrassed or anything, but as Amy said, telling one´s parents about sexual preferences is a big no-no. I can´t even watch a film with some sexual scenes in it, if my parents watch it too - I simply feel awkward

[Inigo Montoya]

Not taking it down completely b/c someone referenced it later... but not leaving it up to display my weirdness to everyone who comes later.

[Valkyrja]

No way!! LOL... My mom doesn´t know and... I´m not capable of telling my couple (I never know how to name my "non-husband").
I`m thinking of telling a friend of mine (she is so open as myself)... besides her husband is considered disable here in Argentina (he use a kane because of a problem in is hip and he made dialysis 6 times a week for 10 years now) so I supposed she could understand my devness. But, it´s something really hard to speak of.

[irishclaire]

It's like any fetish though, do we really NEED to tell people? Like a lot of things to do with what we prefer in the bedroom, it's nice to keep it private

[Claire]

No, but once my mother told me "You've always had a special love for the disabled, haven't you, Claire?" I almost choked. So I guess in a way it's obvious, but she doesn't really know what it's all about. Now she knows about BIID, so she probably thinks it's that.

[amy]

Clover: I'm in my late 20s. Still too young to feel comfortable discussing sex with the parents, I guess.

I agree with my mom that I don't think my boyfriend would leave me, but not because of his "inability to find someone else". I think if he's put up with my shit and breaking up with him and everything else and is still crazy about me after so many years, this one's a keeper. And while he may not be a wheeler, I think his stump is crazy sexy.

[devogirl]

No! My family does not know and I have no intention of discussing it with them ever. When I was in my 20s I suppose it was in the back of my mind that when I was older I would be able to talk about it with my parents, but now that I'm in my 30s, if anything I want to bring it up even less.

Living very far from my parents, I have tended to keep quiet about who I have been dating. However, I did tell them about two different guys, one in college, and one in my late 20s, and I suppose that was enough to establish a pattern. They may have also made a connection to my intense interest when I was very little. They were definitely very upset when I told them about bf #2, but they seemed to think it was a self-esteem problem. I really doubt it all added up to a sexual fetish in their minds.

So I'm sure they know something is up with me, but they don't really know anything about it, which I think now is probably for the best. My parents and other family members don't need to know the details of my sex life.

And Amy, I'm sorry to hear your mother made such a ridiculous comment. It's frustrating when you think your parents are being supportive then they reveal some lurking prejudice. I have many gay friends who were out to their parents, parents had meet the partners and loved them, but then as soon as there was talk of marriage or having/adopting kids, the parents suddenly got all homophobic again.

[amy]

Apr 26, 2009 17:20:55 GMT -5 devogirl said:

And Amy, I'm sorry to hear your mother made such a ridiculous comment. It's frustrating when you think your parents are being supportive then they reveal some lurking prejudice.

Unfortunately, I had no delusions they were being supportive. That was the only positive thing my mother came up with. Other than that, they hate him... and I suspect if he were AB, they would not feel that way.

I strongly suspect they think it's a self-esteem thing for me too. They keep telling me that they're "sure" I could do better.

[devogirl]

Ugh! I'm so sorry to hear that That is a difficult situation. So they think you're only with him because you have low self-esteem, or out of pity or something, but yet saying, "It's ok Mom, it's not low self-esteem, it's a sexual fetish!" probably will not solve the problem. If you admit this kind of thing to parents who are already hostile about the issue, chances are their first reaction will be to try to fix this weird fetish, or to blame themselves for causing you to be this way. Another reason I have no desire to discuss this with my parents.
While I am "out" with my friends, I don't expect my parents to react in the same sex-positive way. I don't usually advocate secrecy, but in this case a detailed conversation about devotees will probably make the situation worse. I think the best way to approach it is to focus on your partner, not you. Their reaction to him as an amputee is prejudiced and hurtful--don't let lingering shame over being "discovered" as a devotee cloud the issue. They need to learn to treat your partner with respect, although it might take a while for them to come around.
Of course this is easier said than done--I had some very unproductive screaming fights with my mom. Learn from my bad example: if you can keep your cool, things will be much better in the long run.

[Valkyrja]

LOL!!!... that´s a good one, Devogirl... "it´s a sexual fetish!" LOL

[amy]

Thanks for your advice, Devogirl. I have absolutely no intention of telling my parents the truth about me, so hopefully they'll accept that we're not just together because neither of us thought we could find someone better.