|
|
Post by problemlover223 on Jun 14, 2009 13:38:41 GMT -5
How do u seperate ur devness from real rel? Im confused... I dont know if im mixing up what i look 4 in a guy with what i like about wheelers. Real rel. r so not about what u like & more about who u r as a person.I was just wondering what other ppl thought. Im not sure i know what im doing & would greatly appreciate diff points of veiw. Could it be im a dev but i dont want to b in a rel with a wheeler? I dont know if im even making sense...I feel like i was a happier dev bef i got in a rel with a wheeler. Now...not so much. Has that happened to anyone else?
|
|
|
|
Post by irishclaire on Jun 14, 2009 14:39:30 GMT -5
So now you're with a wheeler you're not happy? Maybe it's about the person. But I know for a fact that when I was with my ex my 'devness' went out the window.
|
|
|
|
Post by Inigo Montoya on Jun 14, 2009 14:47:33 GMT -5
I think (and take it all with a grain of salt... I didn't sleep a whole lot last night) but I think that it's the same when anything that you've fantasized about becomes reality. It's never what you thought it would be. So, in my opinion, the WHO is more important than the WHAT. And that's a danger and a problem with lots of people who base their relationships (mostly) on the other person's appearance more than personality and values. Any wheeler you wind up with should BE what you look for in a guy, with wheels. I'm thinking it'd be kinda like imagining dating any one "thing" and then actually dating the guy who has the "thing." Whether he's a doctor, lawyer, sports star, or a whatever your dream might be... you may imagine certain wonderful things.... and then find out that it's not all it's cracked up to be. There's gonna be crap involved in anything on this planet and happiness (I think) depends on being able to remember the awesome when you're knee deep in crap. It could be that you'd prefer the fantasy of it to the reality of it. (and if you do then that's okay) Or it could be that you've hooked yourself up with an asshole. Those assholes have a sneaky tendency to LOOK like what you want (camouflaged better than a rattlesnake on a forest floor, baby) and, sometimes they'll work to make you think that they're what you want until they've bagged you. Then they unleash the real dude. In advertising it's called "bait and switch" and is illegal. ;D There ya' go... the one thing I remember from the semester I majored in business, like 20 years ago. lol I'm rambling, not sure of my level of coherency either, and am shutting up now.  |
|
|
|
Post by irishclaire on Jun 14, 2009 16:59:28 GMT -5
Clover I couldn't agree more. This is something I've thought a lot about and it's come to my attention that a lot of the time the WHAT is more important than the WHO. Just because a guy fulfills your chair fantasy doesn't mean he's right for you as a person.
|
|
|
|
Post by Inigo Montoya on Jun 15, 2009 6:43:42 GMT -5
Yep, bananas, we'll totally agree with you agreeing with us. ;D
|
|
|
|
Post by problemlover223 on Jun 15, 2009 11:27:47 GMT -5
So.... we decided it was better NOT to bring the devo factor in the mix?? How its like impossible. At least 4 me. But im at a point where i dont know if i want 2 b in another rel with some1 in a wheelchair. Could be the one i know has 2 much exess emmo baggage & just scared me off but im still not sure.
Twilight i think im at that "out the window" pt with my devness 2. Care 2 explain a little more? Its feeling more like i od. U know like i had so much of something i wanted, that now its not that i dont want it. It just feels blahhh.
|
|
|
|
Post by irishclaire on Jun 15, 2009 16:33:44 GMT -5
My devness went out the window coz I didn't notice the chair anymore. Was weird. It was all about him and him only. Yeah there were still little things where I thought "ooh!" but it wouild be the same with any guy. Really, I'm questioning my own 'devness' at the minute in a big way.
|
|
|
|
Post by Inigo Montoya on Jun 15, 2009 19:19:09 GMT -5
You can't keep the dev factor out of the mix. It's part of who we are. But it shouldn't be the ONLY factor or (in my OPINION) the most important factor. Someone in twilight's thread mentioned people who have a list of what they're looking for in a person. I've done this. And the easy things to think of are things like... broad shoulders, brown eyes, wheelchair... but you need to make sure that you have other things like... courteous, compassionate, laughs at my weird-ass jokes, listens to me... You need to be aware of what things you're willing to compromise on and how much. Blue eyes... yeah that's okay. A lack of compassion is not nearly as negotiable to me... What we're all looking for, I think, is a good man. And a good man is a good man no matter how he ambulates. A man who's not a good man is not made one because he has a physical feature that we lust after. I guess, in the long run, it matters most whether you're looking for a relationship or a booty call. If it's just booty call then his personality shouldn't matter much, I guess. If you can do that kind of thing. Twilight... hang in there... |
|
|
|
Post by problemlover223 on Jun 15, 2009 20:40:40 GMT -5
I dont keep the dev factor out it just doesnt seem to fit right after a while. Im also questioning my devness. It seems even a little superficial 2 me right now bc i got involved with this person bc of all the wrong reasons. I feel terrible...i do. Its like (and pls guys dont take it pers this is the dev only forum)i felt attracted 2 all the things he hates about his life. I just ended up feeling like a fuck up. Im at a point where i even question why i like guys in chairs or why it seems i do but then i dont. Im just a mess ppl...a mess. The sex is great & it would work out 4 me 2 just leave it at that but i know he doesnt feel the same way. Mayb its a little manipulation on his part. Booty call = do all my errands & turn into my mother. If we were in a rel i def would NOT mind but were not so i do mind. C? im a mess...
|
|
|
|
Post by Inigo Montoya on Jun 15, 2009 21:01:02 GMT -5
I'm sorry you feel like a mess.  Sigh. You get to where you're okay with it and then something happens and then you're a mess again. The upside is that I think other ppl have other things they're a mess about. I wish I could help. |
|
|
|
Post by irishclaire on Jun 16, 2009 17:01:34 GMT -5
problemlover, we are one and the same! I felt like that with my ex...he hated himself and the way he was. He was in the army before his accident and totally resented his chair. It didn't bother me. That was hard for us to overcome and I guess we never did. Our sex was great, but sometimes it's not enough. And he would switch from being loving and attentive to a moody b*stard, something I found difficult to deal with. It totally makes me wonder if there's any point in pursuing this attraction to guys in chairs. By no means am I generalising. But there's always gonna be that negative association. Just like I went out with a South African guy who was emotionally abusive and I now feel repulsed by SA men (apart from the accent....yum)
|
|
|
|
Post by BA on Jun 16, 2009 17:27:02 GMT -5
I dont keep the dev factor out it just doesnt seem to fit right after a while. Im also questioning my devness. It seems even a little superficial 2 me right now bc i got involved with this person bc of all the wrong reasons. I feel terrible...i do. Its like (and pls guys dont take it pers this is the dev only forum)i felt attracted 2 all the things he hates about his life. I just ended up feeling like a f*ck up. Im at a point where i even question why i like guys in chairs or why it seems i do but then i dont. Im just a mess ppl...a mess. The sex is great & it would work out 4 me 2 just leave it at that but i know he doesnt feel the same way. Mayb its a little manipulation on his part. Booty call = do all my errands & turn into my mother. If we were in a rel i def would NOT mind but were not so i do mind. C? im a mess... Your devness is far from superficial. It goes way deeper than you think. Sorry, but it's not quite like prefering "brown eyes". I think you are simply with the wrong person. You are physically turned on by him and that's the end of it. The attraction and great sex dwindle very quickly when all the other pieces aren't there, to the point where the focus is just on the negative aspects of the relationship, because other than the initial physical 'wow factor', nothing else is there. So don't be hard on yourself. I think it is very possible, though not easy by any means, to find a guy that rocks your devness as well as the rest of who you are. A major problem that we devs seem to have is that we'll stick with a wheeler just because we think he's the last one we'll ever find. If you imagine this guy as able-bodied, would you already have kicked him to the curb? If the answer is yes, then it's time to move on. |
|
|
|
Post by problemlover223 on Jun 17, 2009 1:16:38 GMT -5
Hmmmm guess its time 2 move on. Known it for a few days, just need 2 let it sink in. its just a rel already gone wrong. i dont know what were trying 2 hold on 2. but i guess it would feel just the same with any guy dis or not. but im pretty sure him being dis does change a lot of things. For a while i thought we could keep it a booty call but i guesss im not adult enough. hes sooooo needy its not really worth it although i really want it 2 b. good sex aint so good no more with all that exess emmo baggage.
AB mayb i wouldve gotten rid of him if he was a reg guy but in all honesty hes not & i didnt bc of that. dont yall sometimes make less than great choices bc ur a dev? i do all the time... honestly....i mean why lie if im trying to sort out how i feel & honestly read & try 2 c evs pt of veiw.
I sooooo feel u twilight...
|
|
|
|
Post by Inigo Montoya on Jun 23, 2009 18:00:04 GMT -5
I really try hard not to make bad choices period. (I'm assuming we all do.) As in, obsessive self examination over every decision. Which is not good really... Like... why do I want this? Is it to feed my ego? Is this practical and reasonable? That can keep you from acting when you need to. That has less to do with my devness and everything to do with my personality so maybe it doesn't belong here. But I do think that blaming bad decisions on your devness is prolly not a healthy path to trod. If you're aware of it then you can kinda watch that. I once worked with a guy, he totally turned me on (dev-related). But he was a mess... a total mess. Like missing work over drinking on the weekend and regularly coming in all bruised from fighting. I wouldn't even smile at him. I will readily admit that I don't think anyone should follow my path. I've missed a lot of stuff due to... I'm not sure what, too much caution, outright fear (I've seen a lot of bad shit go down in relationships, we all have) but I am telling you that you can look at a guy who touches something deep inside you, see that he's a train wreck waiting to happen and choose not to climb on. There are too many men here (right here!) who have what you want and have it together (as much as anyone ever does  ) for you to throw yourself under a bus. And now, in a fit of pure nosiness, did you move on? |
|
|
|
Post by Ciao Bella on Jun 23, 2009 19:52:29 GMT -5
Mayb its a little manipulation on his part. Booty call = do all my errands & turn into my mother. If we were in a rel i def would NOT mind but were not so i do mind. C? im a mess... Without sounding too rude, if you wanted to make this relationship work with this guy, I think having a good hard chat witih him about you not turning into his carer. I don't know the level of injury he has, but it sounds like it's pretty high for you to be doing his errands/turning into his mother. You are either his lover/mate or his mother/carer, can't be both - won't work. And yes, it does sound like he's manipulating you, knowing your devness and how sexy it would be to just jump him and he's baiting you with it...not good. If he thinks/knows he wants a real relationship with you, he's got to decide what role he wants you to play. Otherwise, he's just a selfish manipulating son-of-a-no-good-mountain! Wheelchair or not. You also said you fell for him for the exact reasons he hates about himself. Do you think, perhaps, you're trying to be his "salvation"? That if you're able to turn his psyche around, he'll, perhaps, be indebted to you for the rest of your lives? Please don't think I'm presuming, but this is how I'm reading your relationship with this guy, and no wonder you're confused! There's no reason to doubt your devness. It's part of who you are, and even if you end up with another wheelie, trust me, you'll still be looking at other wheelies (just purely looking, nothing more). The devness is what attracts you to a certain guy, what both of you do after the initial attraction is harder work (just like with any other relationship). I hope this helps and not make you more confused than ever |
|
Sigh. You get to where you're okay with it and then something happens and then you're a mess again. The upside is that I think other ppl have other things they're a mess about. I wish I could help. 
) for you to throw yourself under a bus. 