sometimes something is worse than nothing

[dolly]

do any of you go to fundraising events or attend some sort of activity where there are lots of guys in chairs around?

every time i participate in something like that i feel so good at the time...so in my element, so normal. but then afterwards there is this HUGE crash and i am swept over by a wave of isolation and feeling crappy about being 'this way'.

i was cruising along the past little while in a bit of a dev "lull" which i really needed. then BLAMMO and i am back to square one all over again.

being around guys in chairs just feels so 'right'. although i don't feel exactly devvy at the time (just more of a feeling of completeness, like all is right in the world), it definitely brings home the fact that *this* is what i like. unfortunately it also reminds me that chances are slim of finding what i am looking for. the old needle in a haystack adage.

as great as it is to spend time around wheelers, the opportunities are so incredibly rare that the fallout makes it almost not worth it.

i never feel more comfortable in myself than when i am with wheelers, but i feel worse after that ends.

i'm in that fallout place at the moment and wondered if anyone else experiences this.

[Emma]

I can't say I have had that experience in the same way Dolly since I was never able to bring myself to volunteer at events like those when I was a single dev. I have since attended similar events as the wife of a disabled guy and get to meet lots of people with disabilities. I too feel in my element somewhat when I am there. Like you said, not devvy but just comfortable with being around people with disabilities and the people who organize the events. I greatly enjoy the events and am sad when they are over. The way I get through that sadness is to think about the next time I will see those people. I also often get in contact with them online to keep the feeling going a bit but I too feel some fall out. Maybe you can try to get more experiences so you have another to look forward to when one is over.

[Dee Dee]

Well - I´m sorry to say that my experiences have made me conclude that nothing is better than something .

[Ath]

hugs

I crash too thinking that it will never be mine / never a part of my life.

When in us and uk I did help arrange one fundraiser in each area and in that environment it felt like 'This is me', to feel comfortable and confident and not least; being part of a community as well.
(But im very divided when it comes to big organisatiosn like MDA, telethon and that)

-In Sweden it feel's more like a closed circuit and you cant be part of it unless you have money to donate... wich is a slap in the face when you actually feel you can contribute.
I feel that if I would go to one of those events here I'd be stared at and not be welcomed. ^^

[dolly]

thanks for your replies, ladies.

i'm back on an even keel. even though i've come to expect it, i am somehow still surprised at the emotional rollercoaster ride that can ensue. i expected i wasn't alone in that experience and it's one of those questions i keep meaning to ask.

[Neffie]

I've spent the last 2 months on a massive Dev bender!!!! Seriously no website or sex toy is safe and it's like this week I came home one day I was bored and just thought....do I wanna have a wank? No, I didn't and the lull has started.

It's so weird as it comes (literally) in cycles and consumes you and then vanishes for no reason. I know it's nothing to do with my period or seeing a wheeler it's just like one day you want it and the next you're just meh....

I'm moving into a cuddly phase which I HATE as I can't relieve that need with a dildo. The only men I can cuddle are gay and they just don't count for me.
Ah well, it's just one of those things but Dolly, for crying out loud woman of all the wheelers you interact with, are none single??

WTF, just go mount one already!

[dolly]

lmao. i love your chutzpah, neffie. i really do! unfortunately i'm just not wired quite the same way. lol

[Ath]

Yeah neffie you are a real inspiration <3...

if it was that easy =)

[Emma]

I too go in phases. Went about a year with hardly any dev (aka online) stuff while I was dating a very hot, almost perfect, AB guy. But then when I was back into it. It still goes in phases for me but I have been in a big dev phase for about 4 months now.

[Inigo Montoya]

That shall be my new motto... Just go mount one already!

Disappointingly to many of you here, I plan to be an equal opportunity mounter. ;D

I be traitor... lol

[Devoblue]

Definitely a cycle thing for me too! I went through a huge dev phase in the last couple of months. It never really goes away completely but I go from NEEDING to come online and come here or go to places that indulge my dev side or i'll explode to feeling much more chilled out about the whole thing. It's never far from my thoughts though.

[doe]

Thanks for starting this thread Dolly. It's an interesting discussion.

I've been wondering about the whole cycle thing and the fact that dev cycles can be triggered by anything, not just something specifically dev/wheeler related or even related to hormone cycles. I strongly suspect that these cycles are triggered by how we feel about ourselves and where we see our place in the world. I wonder whether the peaks coincide with the times when we need more self affirmation or confirmation of our being... even with the guilt some say they feel. If you feel pleasure and pain then you exist and have some sort of legitimacy. Just some backyard psychologist theories I thought I'd share...


And Neff, love ya work, but to make it more commercial I suggest "Just Do Him". You never know Nike may really go for it ;D.

[Dee Dee]

Doe, I too think that the rise and fall of our dev feelings have a lot to do with our "being in the world" at a certain time.

Also, it depends on our successes and/or failures with wheelers ...

For the last couple of months I have felt very little devoteeism in me, and quite frankly it has been a huge relief. Now I can concentrate on my real life instead of chasing after something in cyberspace.

[Inigo Montoya]

Even when I'm in a lull I come here tho.

Maybe just too much a creature of habit. =/

[Neffie]

Yeah, even when I'm in a dev lull I could still get it up for a wheeler. No doubt there.

I don't know what drives this but I can say wheeler interaction has made a difference. Christ, I even managed to do it in my office one time - who can wait?

One of the main issues I've always had with AB guys is that I can't "get off". I'm a phenomenal faker - seriously! I mean I give it two verses of OH MY GOD with a repeat chorus of FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!
I even trained my lady bits to vibrate at the appropriate moment.....it's like a cross between the Jedi mind trick and the invisible thigh master.

Who needs the hassle of slapping vaseline on their bits or clenching their pelvis til it can crack a walnut?
I would like to just be with a man who can get me moist on sight and get me off just by transfering onto the bed.

That is the gospel according to Neffie