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Post by BA on Nov 13, 2011 15:06:15 GMT -5
Gals, often it has been mentioned that devness comes with this terrible 'dark side' that we are loathe to deal with and talk about. I have been thinking about this quite a bit lately and have decided that I can't really figure out what is so terribly dark. What, the fact that I am turned on by someones' being in a chair? I am wondering, if that is such an awful and terrible thing. I wouldn't wish disability on anyone in reality, nor would I wish pain on anyone. What is so damned dark? Odd?, yes. Quirky and not mainstream, totally. Might there be an element of sado masochism underlying the devness, perhaps, but so what? I definitely have come to the point where I realize that feeling that this is a bad and evil thing is my own doing. I know some of you have always felt this way. Anyway, just thought I'd share.
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Post by Emma on Nov 13, 2011 15:30:59 GMT -5
I don't consider it a dark part of me, just a different, unusual and often misunderstood part of me.
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Post by devogirl on Nov 13, 2011 15:49:47 GMT -5
Might there be an element of sado masochism underlying the devness, perhaps, but so what? I think this is it. Especially for women who are not into conventional SM, the idea that you could be aroused by what someone can't do feels shameful and wrong. Also the obsessive feelings. So many of us grow up with this dirty little secret, to be indulged only in private. And the fact that some guys are lying when they say they're ok with it. So there is a compelling reason to keep some of the more disturbing fantasies and obsessive feelings a secret. I think this is also why people complain that the board has been "watered down." Since "nice" girls aren't supposed to have fetishes or want to look at porn, indulging in these things can feel "dark" but you're right that it really shouldn't. |
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Post by BA on Nov 13, 2011 17:00:25 GMT -5
Guys indulge in porn all the time as well as obsess about women and their various body parts. I just don't think they think twice about it, because it is part of the 'male' experience. As for the shame aspect of it, again I think it has much more to do with the messages we are given about 'poor disabled people, don't look, don't stare' from the time we are little children.
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Post by faith on Nov 13, 2011 23:00:45 GMT -5
The guy I am seeing has said several times that there is nothing positive about his injury, nothing at all. He doesn't view his disability as any part of a good thing in his life, only bad.
For me to find sexual pleasure in the one thing that causes him physical and emotional pain IS a dark feeling.
He knows how physically attractive I think he is and how I find ALL of him sexy, but there is a dark side to the connection between his pain and my pleasure.
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Post by BA on Nov 13, 2011 23:16:29 GMT -5
Faith, can I ask you a question? Do you take actual pleasure in his pain (physical and emotional)? Would you ever do anything to add to it or would you be more likely to want to take it away in any way you could?
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Post by faith on Nov 13, 2011 23:29:13 GMT -5
I would do anything... absolutely anything in this world to take his pain away.
If I thought he would have less pain with me out of his life I would leave tomorrow.
If I could remove some of his pain by taking it on my self, I would do it.
There is nothing I wouldn't do to lessen or make any part of his pain less.
And although this sounds contradictory to my earlier statements... I don't think I DO take pleasure in his pain. It isn't his pain I take pleasure in, but the injury that causes him pain brings some primal, guteral sexual feeling that is pleasurable. It is different I suppose than taking pleasure in his pain. I don't.
I am over the top in love with this man. WAY beyond his injury- it has lowered to a small 5% of my interest in him at this point. I just love him because of him. I love him and look forward to all we have together and the wonderful life we have built. And I would give it all up tomorrow if it meant he was healed and out of pain.
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Post by BA on Nov 14, 2011 0:01:37 GMT -5
I don't think I DO take pleasure in his pain. It isn't his pain I take pleasure in, but the injury that causes him pain brings some primal, guteral sexual feeling that is pleasurable. It is different I suppose than taking pleasure in his pain. I don't. One more question, Faith. Is it really the injury that has you react with a gutteral, primal, sexual arousal or is it the fact that you are turned on by the fact that he has to use a chair and the way he goes about his life in the world facing that challenge as well as his physical "vulnerability" ( I will use that for lack of a better word ) Btw, I thought the way you described your feelings for your b/f was absolutely beautiful. I do not see one single aspect of cruelty or sadism in your feelings other than the guilt you impose upon yourself for your initial visceral attraction. Is such an arousal not allowed and if not then why? |
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Post by faith on Nov 14, 2011 3:44:35 GMT -5
It is both the injury and the chair. It is everything about the way he moves, his strong shoulders, his lifting of his legs to reposition himself et. He is incredibly sexy both in his chair and out.
And, yes, part of my falling for him came because of vulnerability, both physical and emotional. He is a good communicator which for me is a must. All of those things have led to a greater intimacy and closeness.
I privately embrace my sexual arousal. I have told him that his legs are very hot to me, but I didn't tell him it was because they were heavy and still.
The guilt comes more from the fact that his injury is not positive to him in any way...but it is to me.
So, yes. My arousal is allowed in my private thoughts. I allow it because I know in my heart I would change things if I could, but I can not.
And maybe some of the darkness or guilt comes from what others might think... like I would want him this way. I don't. I would do anything to change his njury.
Not having a SCI injury would make him very happy and his happiness is much more important than my devness.
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Post by darkie on Nov 14, 2011 5:47:34 GMT -5
Faith, I am touched deeply by your posts and I found myself in what you wrote. I feel the same kind of devness in me. I feel guilt, I feel the same about pain. I definitely don't want anybody to be in pain.
The darkness of my devness is definitely that his injury that made him (actually not referring to a certain guy) a paraplegic and causes him pain is my pleasure and his struggle is my delight. For me this is so hard to admit and hard to write and tell. I feel ashamed.
And the same here...I'd leave in an instant if anyone would have less pain or if there would be a healing for sci.
Another point of darkness is, that I have to hide the fact that I am a dev, have to hide the feelings and emotions. Just one friend of mine knows about it and she accepts but I guess she doesn't understand. Acceptance is great but understanding would be better. She is a friend and I am thanksfull that I can be open with her to a certain degree. What really sucks is, that I have to hide all this from my husband. I wrote about it in another thread.
The fact that I have to hide this part of me hurts and I guess, there will be no 100% of intimacy and understanding possible if I am not allowed to be honest.
Faith, this may sound pathetic but I can feel the love you feel for this guy through every word you wrote.
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Post by ruthmadison on Nov 14, 2011 7:50:02 GMT -5
"For me this is so hard to admit and hard to write and tell. I feel ashamed. " I'm right there with you, Darkie.
Faith, your descriptions of your love are so incredibly beautiful. I am moved beyond words.
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Post by BA on Nov 14, 2011 21:57:06 GMT -5
And maybe some of the darkness or guilt comes from what others might think... like I would want him this way. I don't. I would do anything to change his njury. Not having a SCI injury would make him very happy and his happiness is much more important than my devness. I think worrying about what others would think and how they might judge is a huge piece of our secretiveness and guilt. |
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Post by Emma on Nov 15, 2011 0:49:03 GMT -5
I wonder if that could be why I don't really feel guilty.......because I have incorporated my devness into my life, well somewhat into my life. I'm not as open as Lucretia is but I have told a lot of people. Its hard to think back to before I met my husband and how I felt about it. I definitely hid it a LOT more and was always worried about a roommate, boyfriend or family member discovering what I did online. It was very freeing to be able to talk to him about the dev stuff I saw online as well as have the web page open in front of him.
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