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Post by lavly on Apr 1, 2012 21:32:33 GMT -5
this was one of the best things i have read on this board ... thank you ... it something i think about alot and have a really hard time asking guys about.
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Post by Dee Dee on Apr 2, 2012 13:40:56 GMT -5
Yeah Deeds, it can feel very awkward sometime, depending on the setting...every eye on you as u enter a room...things go quiet...can make u feel really odd! But other times people just don't give a damn. I like the latter better of course. i hate if i'm in the way...i.e. in bar last weekend, not enough room, waitresses stepping over my feet. i hate that...sticking out like sore thumb! So why do you think there are these differences as to whether people go quiet and everyone has their eye on you or if they hardly notice? Does it have something to do with how you feel yourself at the time? Another thing, I realise it was awkward at that bar, but it is not your fault that there was not enough room. Let us say that those waitresses tripped over someone else´s feet. Would it be less annoying and/or embarrassing for them? Is it because everybody notices? I am not sure exactly how to ask, but is there perhaps some sort of "added guilt" that comes with being in a wheelchair? (I.e. "I am probably in the way" etc.?) |
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Post by rollingtrouble on Apr 2, 2012 13:59:37 GMT -5
For me, rolling around outside makes me nervous at times. People stare, sometimes when they drive by me as I'm going up a hill, they stop and ask if I need help. Hell, I'm old but I have no problems going up hills. Maybe they stare because I am an "old" guy and they think I should be in a power chair, or maybe its because I roll in my underwear? I have no problems in a bar, I have fun with drinking and laugh, and the best part if I get wasted, I'm wheeled for convenience! Ha! ;D
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Post by rollingtrouble on Apr 2, 2012 15:32:17 GMT -5
Another thing to add for me, is the pleasure I get in the company of a woman. The touch, smell and feelings I get from just caressing and holding are so much more awesome to me now as a quad than before my SCI. The companionship of a real caring and loving woman is such a joy. To be intimate, although different now because of SCI, is just as pleasurable, maybe even more so in its own way. There are many ways to pleasure a woman, I have found, and that is so pleasurable and satisfying to me. I get all "tingly" thinking about it!  |
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Post by Pony on Apr 3, 2012 9:54:49 GMT -5
Well Trouble, i think u made up for the 'stripper night in undies' with that sensitive-man warm n fuzzy puppy-love post...; )
Deeds, you're right...there is a little 'guilt' involved, and embarrassment accompanied with getting in the way, or needing someone to hand something down to me, or cut my steak....i hate it with my every fiber, but just act like it's all cool. There's just nothing else to do except swallow your pride, which isn't easy sometime.
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Post by Dee Dee on Apr 3, 2012 19:23:30 GMT -5
I appreciate your answers, people replying is what makes this thread interesting. More people are welcome to offer their opinions! Hmm, Tony, but that is two different things, is it not? One thing is to maybe get in the way of someone (that happens to everybody all the time) and another thing is to need someone´s help? Why is it so embarrassing and/or annoying to ask for help, do you think? I must say, that as a devotee, the "helping aspect" is nice for me, I like it, it is part of the attraction in a good way I am sure that other devotees feel the same. |
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Post by rollingtrouble on Apr 3, 2012 20:52:40 GMT -5
Could it be a "guy" thing? For me, asking for help for help when I became a quad has been the hardest thing for me to do. I suppose that because before my SCI, I didn't feel I could or want to depend on anyone else but me. If things went bad, I could always depend on myself to make things better. You know, people will let you down at times, and usually when it was not a good time. At least if I ever let myself down, it was at a time and situation of my choosing. Its hard to break that. I remember going to a high rise office building in Austin one day, I was by myself and the doors were too awkward and heavy to open. I kinda sat there watching people go in, not even wanting to ask for help, figuring if I timed it right, I could make it in myself. Then a lovely red haired woman came up and asked me if I needed help, and she could tell I was embarrassed to ask. She was so nice and put me under her "spell". She helped me not only into the building, but accompanied me to and up the elevator to the 15Th floor where I needed to be. She was sooo sweet smelling and beautiful, and my heart was softened by her pure kindness and care. Never saw her again sad to say. I still think of her and that day often, and smile with a warmness in my heart. I'm sure she was a Devo, sent from heaven, an angel that put light into my heart. But I'm getting off topic here, guys hate asking for help, and I think that is a natural thing. To be strong and independent, not to cry or ask for help. I sometimes think its a blessing to be a quad in a chair, to feel all the feelings that before were not there.
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Post by Peony on Apr 3, 2012 21:08:50 GMT -5
Why is it so embarrassing and/or annoying to ask for help, do you think? I must say, that as a devotee, the "helping aspect" is nice for me, I like it, it is part of the attraction in a good way I am sure that other devotees feel the same. Not to be rude or contrary, but for me, that's not a part of being a dev at all...not that I am some stone-hearted b*tch, though! I think rollingrouble already summed it up, but most of the guys I know f*cking hate asking for help (or if they are ok...) ;D Honestly? I loathe asking for help as well. It's hard admitting you can't (or don't know) how to do stuff! Especially for those of us who are perfectionist control freaks! ;D |
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Post by Dee Dee on Apr 3, 2012 21:56:43 GMT -5
I think there is a difference in asking for help in general and then asking your significant other/partner/wife/girlfriend for help. I am a person who like to help others. It is part of my nature. Let us say a wheeler boyfriend asked for my help and was not embarrassed about asking me. Helping him would be nice for both of us Peony, I do not think you are rude or being contrary at all; one thing is for sure and that is that devotees are different and what turns one on may not work that way for the other. |
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Post by Dee Dee on Apr 3, 2012 21:59:29 GMT -5
RollingTrouble, why you feel that asking for help to open a heavy door is more embarrassing and awkward than wheeling around in your underwear - is beyond me ;D
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Post by faith on Apr 4, 2012 1:29:48 GMT -5
I sometimes think its a blessing to be a quad in a chair, to feel all the feelings that before were not there. This is interesting. Trouble... were those feelings really not there, or you chose not to feel them? I find this fascinating.... And, for me personally, I am attracted to helping. It is part of who I am ... as much a part of me as being a dev, maybe more. They are not connected in any way. Separate emotions and feelings. I can be a nurturer and I enjoy that part of my life. There is nothing sexual about it and they don't connect in my life. But both are part of me. |
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Post by Peony on Apr 4, 2012 5:30:18 GMT -5
You guys know I have no soul, right? Just checking.
And I read your replies with huge interest too, rollingtrouble. (And thanks for even starting this thread, Tony. I'm late to the fanparty, but really thought-provoking and interesting...and definitely one of the least talked about aspects, but often thought about for me as well.)
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Post by Emma on Apr 4, 2012 8:15:23 GMT -5
. Let us say a wheeler boyfriend asked for my help and was not embarrassed about asking me. Helping him would be nice for both of us . DD I know what you mean. I'm not one of those helper devs who want to be with someone helpless or who needs a lot of care. I enjoy helping with minor things and when they are disability related I enjoy it a little bit more. |
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Post by Pony on Apr 4, 2012 8:54:54 GMT -5
Thanks Peony, and the sensation thang is somewhat taboo because it really goes at the heart of who you are, and when someone hands me something to feel most times I just fake it, rubbing my hand across it, replying, 'ohhhh yeahhhh.' lol
As for the 'helping' aspect, it can feel empowering to help someone. I, too, enjoy this when it's someone deserving and you're not chronically being used. I never want my lover to be my caretaker. Now, that doesn't mean I want to shut her off from helping me at times, but I don't want to be dependent on my love interest to be caretaker. That being said, there can be a special bond that naturally forms between helper and receiver of help.
Deeds, most times I'm NOT ridden with guilt, or embarrassment, but at times those things creep in. as for getting out of the way...it only becomes when I can't possible get out of the way, and I just keep sitting there...feet sticking out there for someone to trip over!! Yeah, sometime i'll start feeling like 'f*ck, I CAN'T CHANGE THIS SITUATION....MAYBE THEY THINK I DON'T GIVEA f*ck IF THEY TRIP OVER ME.' Btw, i've gotten much better about asking/accepting help...it doesn't really bother me to ask anymore.
One thing funny though...i was pushing up Mt Everest one time, climbing veryyyy slow with extreme struggle....remember, being c5c6 means no triceps, and without those babies it's damn hard to push anything, much less a steep hill. anyway, i'm pushing this motherf*cker...fighting gravity...finally reaching the summit, and to my surprise there's this dude sitting there watching me battle the mountain - never asking if i needed a hand. I thought 'how f*cking weird to watch someone fight that and never even ask...'
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Post by faith on Apr 4, 2012 9:50:14 GMT -5
Tony... did you really climb Mt Everest? You rock dude!!
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