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Post by janewheeler on Jul 25, 2012 23:25:29 GMT -5
I'm sorry things have been so crappy for you, mellowcanuck.
Do you mind if I ask what your level of disability (how much you need help with) is?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2012 4:04:29 GMT -5
LOL One thing I have learned is vent that shit once in a while. Just a string of bad days. I'm a T-12 para.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2012 5:16:58 GMT -5
Prior to my accident I was adventurous, resourceful, adaptable, and had a healthy sense of humor and good self-image. I was super independent, and could do ANYTHING that I set my mind to. After my accident my self-image got kicked in the teeth(but that was more due to being rejected by my wife) It took me a year, and ultimately a relationship with a very high quality lady(10 rungs up the high class ladder from my wife) to realize that I still had significant value in the mystical realm of romance and intimacy. I'm slightly less adventurous...but not much. Far more adaptable and resourceful post accident(you have to be) Still funny from time to time. Struggle everyday with my lack of independence...but still surprise everyone around me with the stuff that I DO figure out. I was a very hard worker prior to my accident...now I focus that work ethic on other aspects of my life rather than let myself be devastated by my inadequacies and physical shortcomings. For me, it was a choice...I CHOSE not to be a victim...I CHOSE not to be a hard luck story...I WOULD RATHER BE ADMIRED THAN PITIED> I consciously choose every morning to wring every droplet out of this experience called life. I 'ultimately' made that decision after waking up from a 6 day, drug-induced coma...being informed that they'd amputated both arms, and fused my spine and that I'd never walk again. I did a quick self-eval 1.) Is wife worth living in a chair w/out arms? NO 2.) Are my kids enough to make me want to endure this kind of physical and emotional pain? Close...but not quite. I begged God to take my life...closed my eyes and expected it. 10 seconds later, realized it wasn't going to go down that way. I was always an 'all or nothing' kind of guy...If i didn't deem something worthy of my all...I didn't bother with it...I've never been half-a$$ about anything. My big life adjustment was right then and there. I decided that just 'surviving' wasn't going to cut it...I insisted on thriving instead. I've had other slight adjusting moments in the 13.5 years after...but I don't think that they are much different than most AB folks.
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Post by Peony on Jul 26, 2012 7:35:55 GMT -5
(Just wanted to say I really love this thread.)
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Post by lavly on Jul 27, 2012 4:09:06 GMT -5
(Just wanted to say I really love this thread.) +1
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Post by brace4impact on Jul 27, 2012 5:20:05 GMT -5
Agreed Alf, and I, like you try to live my life to the fullest. I will say this, bad as some of the experiences with my disability have been, it has shaped who I am as a person, and I appreciate that. When I was a kid, the most important thing to me was trying to be "normal" and just fit in. I realized no matter what I did, the disability would always draw at least some attention to me. So as I got older, my attitude shifted from trying to be invisible to saying "if they're going to stare, give them a good reason." So like you, I've done some amazing things that I might not have had the balls to do if I wasn't disabled.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2012 7:54:28 GMT -5
So glad to see all the contributions you guys. I appreciate the honesty in your posts.
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Post by Ximena on Jul 27, 2012 9:00:14 GMT -5
So glad to see all the contributions you guys. I appreciate the honesty in your posts. ditto!!
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Post by BA on Jul 27, 2012 9:25:18 GMT -5
I second that, Rival. Thank you guys, so much for sharing these things so honestly. I attribute the way people respond to adversity to so many factors especially upbringing (how they were responded to as kids and what they saw/learned at home) and basic,innate temperment (yes. I belive we are born with a biologically determined basic temperment be it easygoing, sensitive, high or low keyed). I would never deny the highly well adjusted kudos for their hard work and mental efforts, nor would I ever judge someone who has never fully successfully adjusted. I simply think its easier for some people than others whether the person arrives with the disability or picks one up along the way.
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Post by roger888 on Jul 27, 2012 9:32:18 GMT -5
So as I got older, my attitude shifted from trying to be invisible to saying "if they're going to stare, give them a good reason." There lies the secret to accepting yourself as you are. Whether you are 10 or 80,there will always be elements of society who who have this fixed opinion of you that they won't be prepared to bend even if you put a gun their heads.The part in life that I like the most is that they don't have to,their views won't make your disability worse(unless they someone tries to physically abuse you,but it makes sense to be aware of your environment at all times & disability willing,get them before they try to get you .).The only barriers that a wheeler should be concerned about are the ones he constructs for himself.Took me years to do that & I can't blame anyone but myself,I went to schools & colleges where I was the only disabled person,so I had the exposure to the same social activities as everyone else.I was moody bastard, until I finally grew up & the difference in how the world reacted to me was more than a coincidence. I suppose the message I have to any new wheelers out there is be disciplined,so that the mistakes you make (& there will be some) are minimised as much as you can.If you have a steady drip of f*ck ups,then depression gets its sticky fingers on you,so concentrate on what's ahead of you.If you want to do something in life,there will be a way,but you have to put the effort into doing it.Nothing comes to a lazy ass.Another thing, when I was in my late teens ,you didnt have an endless source of information,help & advice.It's not just there for you to wank over,it was inadvertently designed to help the poor old wheeler who is having to catch up with the world,so use it properly. One last word -Optimism....if you haven't got it,f*ck off,cos you might as well be dead.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2012 10:17:57 GMT -5
I suppose the message I have to any new wheelers out there is be disciplined,so that the mistakes you make (& there will be some) are minimised as much as you can.If you have a steady drip of f*ck ups,then depression gets its sticky fingers on you,so concentrate on what's ahead of you.If you want to do something in life,there will be a way,but you have to put the effort as well I think generally that is the best it of advice i have heard in ages!!
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Post by wheelie37 on Jul 27, 2012 10:21:19 GMT -5
State of mind has a lot to do with it.
Some people try to get out of the wheelchair and be "normal", but get down hearted and give up if they fail.
Some people just give up.
Some people use the situation to get attention and pity.
Some people make the most of the situation to get money, blue badge parking etc
Some people get on with life and do the best they can.
If people stare and judge you by how you look, disability or not, it is their problem.
It used to annoy me when I first became disabled.
I often have people stare whilst I get my wheelchair in or out of the car.
It could be they are stupid, or may be thinking how brave we are, or how they would cope in the same situation.
They may be thinking of a relation, or someone they know with a disability.
They may even be thinking of offering to help,or just be interested in how it is done, or type of wheelchair etc.
I just get on with what I am doing, and take life as it comes.
Think positive, and just be a person with a slightly more challenging life style!
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Post by matisse on Jul 27, 2012 11:29:17 GMT -5
On the one hand, I have dealt with the disability fairly well, and have managed to have a successful career and a family.
On the other hand, unlike what some folks have expressed, I see absolutely no upside to my disability. As I have said before, I am quite sure that I would be better off in every way if I was not in a chair.
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Post by janewheeler on Jul 27, 2012 14:46:47 GMT -5
I have depression -- well managed, but present. Two things help me regulate some of my emotions. The first is recognizing that EVERYBODY has problems of one sort or another. It helps me be compassionate towards others, but most often myself.
The big thing, though, is something that I think reflects what Alf said. I've found that it's necessary to figure out when and where to safely let out your emotions... and do it. Because (this is the key) there are tons of times out there that are REALLY, REALLY worth being scared or angry or frustrated about. If you weren't, you'd really be weird.
So yeah, I'd imagine that it's hard not to be bitter or otherwise upset about not being able to do one thing or another, or about somehow making a mess of something. Disability or not, anyone would be pissed off about not being able to get in somewhere that is right in front of you, or messing up your favorite outfit on a day you took pains to look nice. Shit happens.
So I think there's got to be a balance between developing a thick skin/learning to laugh things off and at the same time owning your disability enough to say, "You know what? I know I'm supposed to be a brave little soldier and all, but this legitimately sucks ass."
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Post by mike on Jul 27, 2012 16:17:48 GMT -5
I probably shouldn't be commenting on this thread, because my physical issues are so much less limiting than some of you, but...there are days when EDS really hurts, and those days suck. Other days I don't even think of disability, much less identify myself as disabled.
My notion is that I have limitations, but then we all do. It would be nice to be Superman, but I'm not. Then again, neither are you, so we're even on that score. I may not be built for the 'sprint events', so I compensate by driving a fast car. Lots of kids would like to race me, but can't. So we're even again. Lots of people are faster than me on a race track, but I don't feel bad about that either. At least I get to race, and am faster than some others.
I did give up racing sailboats, and somewhat felt like a wimp as there was another guy who raced in a wheelchair. This was serious long distance ocean racing. I just decided it wasn't safe for me anymore, and unlike the guy in the chair, had nothing to prove.
The important thing to me is that humans are very adaptable. I was very lucky that it was simple for me to change hobbies, and working wasn't ever an issue. Lots of people aren't that lucky, so it would feel awkward for me to complain. Besides, life doesn't provide convenient complaint windows where we can get our money back.
Although there are times when I wrestle with emotional issues, they are not associated with physical limitations.
In life, there are things we can control and others we can't. Focusing on things we can control is empowering. Focusing on things we can't has the potential for the opposite effect. How many people do you know who would like to be taller, thinner, more attractive etc.? We may think of disability as a bigger issue than that, and it is, but it isn't different in kind, just magnitude.
If you had purple eyes, it might be harder to find a mate who found that attractive, but dev's are living proof that somebody probably does like purple eyes.
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