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Post by BA on Jul 27, 2012 16:47:12 GMT -5
In life, there are things we can control and others we can't. Focusing on things we can control is empowering. Focusing on things we can't has the potential for the opposite effect. I think my life's work is to figure this out. I still haven't and I'm being real honest 'bout that. |
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Post by matisse on Jul 27, 2012 17:49:24 GMT -5
How many people do you know who would like to be taller, thinner, more attractive etc.? We may think of disability as a bigger issue than that, and it is, but it isn't different in kind, just magnitude. For many wheelers, it is a difference in kind. I think I am one of those. I'm getting deja vu in saying this, but I guess I'll say it anyway: All of the examples you mention are ones that people can work on and improve. I can't do jack about my disability. |
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Post by spurs2000 on Jul 27, 2012 17:49:50 GMT -5
I hate it. I literally wake up every morning and my first thought is "f*ck". I don't know if its the fact I'm in a wheelchair or that my life is "everyday is exactly the same". The wheelchair DOES keep me from doing what ever the hell I want. I was not built to be in a chair all day. I was born with a wanderlust. Even now I could pack a bag and leave my place and everything in it with a word. Since I've been in a chair things get good, go bad, get better...just like everyone else. But if I'm honest? I can't really remember being happy. There are many times where I am sated and cheerful and make those around me laugh their asses off....but sometimes its just a facade. I do it because I KNOW its tired and bad vibes affect those around me and that is a sh*tty trip to lay on someone looking for some social fun. I've said that I haven't accepted it and never will but I am at peace with it.....at the time I thought that was true but the dark, cold unfair mind set still comes to visit. The paralysis doesn't just affect your body it affects the mind, it affects your passion and drive and if you don't have those you lack purpose and if you lack purpose everything loses flavor. Some can adapt, they have the brain pan to succeed. I consider myself a smart guy but NOTHING interests me. Nothing sparks passion in me enough to engage the drive there for I lack purpose. Now to seriously f*ck with your mind. I've been in a chair since I was seventeen and this August 24th will be my 19th anniversary. you speak with a lot of truths that I truly identify with in life. If You need trumping to prove some inspiration October 19th will be my 27 anniversary and I was 15 at point of injury. You can still achieve and yes I do struggle to do so. |
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Post by BA on Jul 27, 2012 21:18:55 GMT -5
Matisse, there's a lot of crappy stuff about the physical and chemical make up of our bodies that we can't do jack about. Short stature, cystic acne, bipolar disorder and familial breast cancer are a few. I am thinking that Mike wasn't referring to hair color.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2012 4:56:10 GMT -5
YO RC, i hear u bro. was fully able in 2001, sophomore in high school, getting it in like any jock. its not even about being a jock, its losing that identity when its all you've known for a minute. either way, u seem like a good guy. good times dude. but i feel u, well adjusted? ahhh, i do my thing, but its not like it was. its truly a new thing. all u can do is adapt and move on. ppl get stuck, i notice that alot on here. get yourself a strong workout, a hobby, and a social life. i mean damn, this will never be the way we remember, but i'll be damned if i don't go all out on this. stay hungry RC. 22 going on prez.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2012 11:01:36 GMT -5
YO RC, i hear u bro. was fully able in 2001, sophomore in high school, getting it in like any jock. its not even about being a jock, its losing that identity when its all you've known for a minute. either way, u seem like a good guy. good times dude. but i feel u, well adjusted? ahhh, i do my thing, but its not like it was. its truly a new thing. all u can do is adapt and move on. ppl get stuck, i notice that alot on here. get yourself a strong workout, a hobby, and a social life. i mean damn, this will never be the way we remember, but i'll be damned if i don't go all out on this. stay hungry RC. 22 going on prez. Ahh the good old days haha. I was far from jock, but being in a band/having close friends in bands was integral in me weaseling my way into bed with women much much better looking then myself ha.Having been at this for a couple years i realized my mistakes. It hasnt been until the last year or so that ive begun to feel comfortable in my skin. I wasnt going out, i lost contact with a lot of friends. I was hugely hesitant to be around or associate with people who had gone through the same thing because i didnt want to see myself as "part of the club that no one wanted to be in". Now a days I getting out more, Im feeling more like i used to before my accident. Im even slightly more adventurous then before, as ive been traveling( New Orleans) or making plans to(Chicago). Will any of ever truly adjust to this? Will we ever be absolutely comfortable with our condition? I dont know. All i know is I can do this for now. And it helps knowing that there are others that understand and experience the same feelings. |
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Post by matisse on Jul 28, 2012 18:53:13 GMT -5
Matisse, there's a lot of crappy stuff about the physical and chemical make up of our bodies that we can't do jack about. Short stature, cystic acne, bipolar disorder and familial breast cancer are a few. I am thinking that Mike wasn't referring to hair color. I don't get it, are you saying wheeler's aren't susceptible to all these other things (which, incidentally, do have treatments for most of them)? The disability is on top of these issues that anyone may have, particularly for SCI's since those often come about through accidents. Do you really think that wheelers, on average, do not face issues that are far more significant that the average AB? Seems to me most people would agree with that proposition. I suspect NONE of my friends would trade their issues for my disability. On the other hand, I would not think twice about getting their issues instead of my disability. |
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Post by BA on Jul 28, 2012 19:58:53 GMT -5
Matisse, there's a lot of crappy stuff about the physical and chemical make up of our bodies that we can't do jack about. Short stature, cystic acne, bipolar disorder and familial breast cancer are a few. I am thinking that Mike wasn't referring to hair color. I don't get it, are you saying wheeler's aren't susceptible to all these other things (which, incidentally, do have treatments for most of them)? The disability is on top of these issues that anyone may have, particularly for SCI's since those often come about through accidents. Do you really think that wheelers, on average, do not face issues that are far more significant that the average AB? Seems to me most people would agree with that proposition. I suspect NONE of my friends would trade their issues for my disability. On the other hand, I would not think twice about getting their issues instead of my disability. No, I am not saying that wheelers aren't susceptible to all those other things. I am saying that people live with very significant issues that cannot be fixed, that aren't always visible and that have a huge impact on the way people live their lives or have to alter their lives in order to live. Perhaps my examples were wrong. When I was writing this I was thinking of my neighbor's son who was diagnosed with schizophrenia in his second year of college and has since been in and out of hospitals. I am not sure what constitutes a disability other than I think it's something that significantly alters the way you live your life, then again I know a below knee amputee who has almost no life alterations except for using a prosthesis. What I do know is that I find the range of emotion expressed in this thread, relative to the topic of adjustment to living a life with alterations, frustrations, loss and gain is resonating strongly with me, no matter what the disability is. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2012 16:59:53 GMT -5
I believe it is to do with relativity. You know what sucks in your life. Compare it to other crap that has happened to you, is it worse or not so bad? And see from that how well and quickly you handle it. It is a big deal for the person but their terms of reference may not include a irriversible disability. Hence being over weight, and face with several years of battling to get into normal ranges or having an illness like depression which you know may ease off but take years to do so, is pretty shit for that person to handle. I don't think they would gauge it along a linear index and say yes I'm over weight but at least I can breath unaided so never mind and buck up. To them it is the worst thing they have to manage to get over. I am also sure that my husband wouldn't want someone to think "christ my hair looks bloody grey I am getting really old but at least I'm not joe blogs who has to sit around on a wheelchair all day".
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Post by matisse on Jul 29, 2012 18:24:35 GMT -5
I don't think they would gauge it along a linear index and say yes I'm over weight but at least I can breath unaided so never mind and buck up. I don't think they would either, but maybe they should. Are we better off with a society where compassion means that we indulge everyone's problems as equally severe, or where people actually appreciate how lucky they are, and work hard to address their problems? As I have said before, even with my problems, I feel lucky compared to what, 99% of the world? While I would happily trade places with a short AB guy in this country, I would not trade places with an AB hourly wage laborer in a Chinese OEM. As to AB's post, my comments have never been intended to suggest that there aren't folks who have very serious issues that are on the level of mine. There are, of course. I just think that most don't, not even close. I think I also said on the other thread that I believe here in the US, we are a spoiled society. I am not going to contribute to that by holding someone's hand until they show that they have made a serious, genuine effort to address their problems with old fashioned elbow grease. To the extent my attitude can be considered harsh, I think that edge is a direct result of my disability. I cannot separate what it takes for me to work and live, from what it would take someone else to get off the couch and do something productive with time that I unavoidably spend struggling, both physically and mentally, with my disability. I don't know how that relates to whether I am considered "well adjusted." It does mean that my success in life despite my disability, comes with strings attached. |
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Post by Dee Dee on Jul 29, 2012 19:17:43 GMT -5
Just a quick post to say that that was a great opening question Rivalcycle  |
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Post by vancityippy on Jul 30, 2012 23:55:40 GMT -5
Fascinating thread. I am really interested to hear the different ways that people cope and adjust. I find it difficult to hear about the struggle. I must admit, in my first dating encounter with someone with a SCI, I was slightly tortured by the fact that I was unable to fix anything. I so badly wished I could "cure" the injury, or heal his soul with my awesome listening skills,empathy and some love making...but I knew that I had no ability to mend something of that magnitude..It's a powerless position to be in.
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Post by brace4impact on Jul 31, 2012 5:17:43 GMT -5
Awesome love making is a nice distraction to the problems though  |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2012 5:41:16 GMT -5
Just a quick post to say that that was a great opening question Rivalcycle Thanks Dee Dee. So glad to see the reaction and responses to this question. Its been on my mind for a while. Ive had so many ups and downs with it so its nice to see I am in good company with the whole thing. |
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Post by BA on Jul 31, 2012 12:44:23 GMT -5
I thank you Rival for being open to bringing this up. I think it is giving a lot of people a safe space to talk about some really important stuff and the fact that you are bringing it up shows that you are in a good head space!
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