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Post by lars on Oct 6, 2014 18:22:17 GMT -5
If you don't take any risks at all...if you worry about the outcome of things you've never even tried...well, you're going to miss out on amazing experiences. I just wanted to pick up this gem and point out how true it is. L
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2014 18:33:25 GMT -5
Just chiming in my two cents, as someone who has dated a guy with SMA previously. Without a doubt we'd still be together if *he* hadn't decided that he'd be a burden and that it would be too complicated and selfish to have a future with me I think it would be really easy to slip into this mindset; no one likes to feel like a burden. While I'm not at all thrilled with the idea of a future SO having to help me with things even occasionally it's a small sacrifice to make considering all the benefits of a relationship and love.
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Post by Maurine on Oct 7, 2014 12:50:48 GMT -5
I've got a question to those who feel like a burden to their (hypothetical) partners. Is it because you're afraid that you'd put pressure on your partner and it might become too much work for him/her or at least make him/her at times feel obligated to do something despite being tired or stressed? Or is it that you dislike the idea of your partner helping you and in a way depending on him/her, no matter if he/she would love to help?
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Oct 7, 2014 22:01:52 GMT -5
I have a different take on it.
It annoys me when someone whom I want to have a relationship with makes decisions for me without my input. This 'I'm a burden.' so I can't have a relationship with you takes away MY autonomy... where do MY choices and MY desires factor into your decision for me?
If you're rejecting me because you don't feel an emotional connection or aren't attracted to me, fine, tell me the that. If you're afraid of getting hurt, or rejected, or potential relationship crash and burn... say so.
But don't make decisions for me that way. I'm an adult. I know what I want and what I'm willing to deal with... do I know exactly what it will/would entail to be with random disabled dude? No, because it's always different. But by the same token, HE doesn't know what it would entail to be with me.
I think that when you automatically decide that you can't have relationships because it's selfish of you or you might be a burden or whatever... you're being even MORE selfish. You're denying multiple women... or even one woman who might wind up with you... of the love that you're capable of giving. (If you're not capable of loving others or you're overwhelmingly self absorbed, ignore this.)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2014 23:54:35 GMT -5
I don't think that any of us that chronically feel like we're a burden are good relationship fodder. Unfortunately, no Dev is gonna change that attitude in a guy...it's something he must conquer on his own. When I was 14 weeks post-injury, I moved back into the house. I was missing both arms, and completely paralyzed from the waist down(effectively a low level quad) hoyer lift, catheters, dressing changes... you name it. My Dad helped with dressing changes, and I had CNA's that did virtually everything else. I was very careful to not be needy or high maintenance to my wife. After all, she had a few month old baby to care for, and a couple of older rug rats. Unfortunately, every time I needed a drink of water...or anything...she complained. She made it very clear that I was a burden. I was by nature, a very proud guy. I had to swallow my pride and I would ask friends and family for help... ie. grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, bring a meal etc. From a practical standpoint, that was all I could contribute in lessening her workload.
As I got stronger, I read to the kids...again, anything I could do to occupy their time and alleviate her stress. I started rehab, and never asked her to come encourage or support me... the few times of dozens that she came on her own volition...she made sure to tell me how hard it was to make the 10 minute drive...and how it was such a sacrifice...again, even though I was improving drastically and getting more function...needing significantly less care... I was still a burden.
I got a job with a communications company, I worked 10-12 hours a day, came home and was with the kids until I got the older ones to bed. Didn't ask for anything from her...but because I couldn't do the dishes for her... I was still a burden.
We separated like a year later. I definitely didn't want to be a burden on anyone...who does? I was horrifically lonely...and began to think that I'd have to find some poverty-stricken, third world, mail-order bride... at least that way I could provide her with a good quality of life to try to balance the 'burden'...and if I was real lucky, she might even fall in love with me...even though I was a burden.
Eventually I did start dating...and guess what? I found that I had enough going for me, that it counter-acted any perceived or even actual burdensome aspects of our relationship. So I can't do dishes...I can order delivered Chinese...and eat with plastic forks...and throw everything away... not only did I do the dishes...but I also prepared dinner. The things that I can do for her, far outweigh the things that I can't. If I can simply listen to her, respect her, and go out of my way to say and do thoughtful things for her... I'm ahead of 95% of the AB male population. When she comes home from work... I can offer her intelligent conversation. How burdensome for a woman to come home from work, and not have that as even a remote possibility!
There are very few guys on this board...some I know quite well... that are NOT equipped to successfully contribute enough in a relationship to effectively nullify any measurable 'burden factor'. I'm talking about relationships with AB women here. Now throw into the mix that there are women here...that know as much about your injury/condition as you do... They already know what to expect assistance-wise...and aren't dissuaded one bit. They have an added physical attraction to you that NO AB will have... Why the heck wouldn't you give that a try? Get over yourself already....
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littlesparkle
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I love a man on wheels...
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Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by littlesparkle on Oct 12, 2014 7:25:20 GMT -5
When my ex and I started dating, the thought of the relationship being 'different' never crossed my mind. I think we dated long enough for me to know everything there was to know about his life and daily needs/routine etc. It became part of the relationship and it was the whole package I was committed to. He did ask me once if I had any doubts because it must have crossed his mind and because he got burnt before, but for me, it was a no-brainer. We loved each other, so we became a team. Sure I had to learn and do a lot of things that I normally wouldn't do in a different relationship but that was part of who we were as a couple. I must give full credit to him for trusting me to help him but also for being very patient with me when I was learning how to adjust to this new lifestyle. Did I miss the things I did with other bfs, sure, sometimes, but we also did a lot of amazing things that I never did with others, so we created our own experiences and moments. I, for on,e became more aware of the world around me, everywhere I go, I would automatically check if it's accessible, I would check for ramps or if the doors were wide enough, little things that I would never even thought about before. His problems became my problems. Sure a lot of things were different, some things needed more planning, we had to get up a lot earlier to go through his daily morning routine, sometimes we had to cancel plans at the last min because he had a UTI and wasn't feeling well . But I was ok with all that. I loved him and I loved us.
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Post by roger888 on Oct 12, 2014 9:56:03 GMT -5
I, for one became more aware of the world around me, everywhere I go, I would automatically check if it's accessible, I would check for ramps or if the doors were wide enough, little things that I would never even thought about before. His problems became my problems. Yes,this was exactly the same for my wife and through the experiences we have had,she has become more proficient in explaining my needs when booking a hotel room than me(for example)There is a certain way of explaining to someone that confusing needs of a quad with a para can make life for that para a lot harder and helping the uninitiated in realising that when you say you can't walk at all,you really can't walk a single step. Funnily enough enough,its not only my partner who is switched on to disabled access,my close colleagues are too.One of them lives for her holiday abroad and she always comes back with a rundown on + & - points of a particular destination she has been to for me.
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benc3uk1978
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Posts: 29
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Separated
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Post by benc3uk1978 on Oct 13, 2014 17:10:39 GMT -5
As someone who requires a lot of help I just know how much of a burden it can be for people around you. Having had my family helping me during all my childhood, especially with my mum I realized how difficult it is to balance the needs of everyone involved. Most people - especially devotees for some obvious reason - are eager to help at first. But when it becomes a responsibility and an everyday thing, helping someone does become a burden for sure. You are depending on each other, no matter how sh*tty you feel or how much of a fight you just had. I can imagine many other people with disabilities have made similar experiences with family, friends or even their partners. Thus allowing someone to step into your life and ultimately having to consider spending your life together is a tough call if you don't have any other option to get the help you need. So I can see where the fear to be selfish for wanting a relationship comes from. There are so many possible misunderstandings in so many ways. For sure, a lot of disabled people I know (including myself sometimes, I have to admit) believe that they are just a bit more "maintenance" - but I think in that case you just need to play with open cards: I would not feel comfortable getting into a relationship when I feel I would burden my partner. To be sure about that, I need to be sure that we both have a very clear idea on what will be different and whether we want it that way. In the end for me it comes down to clear and honest communication, especially regarding expectations and limits, from both sides. Then there is no need to feel selfish I was married when I had my accident 3 years ago. we had been together for ten years . Whilst I was in a rehabilitation unit for 8 mnths which was quicker than prededicted. At that point ibcame home to a new council flat which is v small and I was having live in care. Im a high level quad sci incomplete so have good arm movment but only v v limited use of my right hand. The unit made sure my wife didnt have to do my intimate personal care needs. In my head at that point I felt although I realised how injured I was but felt with this care plan in place the impact to my wife would be minimal In reality the impact goes through both of you and a week my wife and I talked and she said she had to leave and wanted in her words a normal life. At the time it hurt like hell and on a dark day it still does. However the thought of us remaining together now 2 years on seems ridiculous. The thought of someone staying out of duty or sympathy is horrendous and as in my case we were both relativly young and unfortunately my wife no longer felt the same way physicaly attracted to me so thought of being in a sexless relationship is again ridiculous and destructive in the long run and huge resentment and guilt on both sides. I suppose now I would say im not shence me signing up for pd.But I totally understand and agree as long as the person and I have had a long open frank conversation about my care situation.If we have no guilt but if that conversation then personaly I would feel guilty. Every situation is obviously different but for me communication and honesty is the key x
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cripman33
Junior Member
Posts: 91
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by cripman33 on Apr 13, 2020 12:51:07 GMT -5
I've got a question to those who feel like a burden to their (hypothetical) partners. Is it because you're afraid that you'd put pressure on your partner and it might become too much work for him/her or at least make him/her at times feel obligated to do something despite being tired or stressed? Or is it that you dislike the idea of your partner helping you and in a way depending on him/her, no matter if he/she would love to help? For me it is both.
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Post by Inkdevil on Apr 13, 2020 13:58:52 GMT -5
Still on topic I guess, but please note this is an 8 year old thread! Members who have posted in it may have moved on, left this forum or potentially even this mortal coil.
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cripman33
Junior Member
Posts: 91
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by cripman33 on Apr 13, 2020 14:04:36 GMT -5
Still on topic I guess, but please note this is an 8 year old thread! Members who have posted in it may have moved on, left this forum or potentially even this mortal coil. I understand, just kinda wanted to try to revive the thread.
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Post by Inkdevil on Apr 13, 2020 14:07:15 GMT -5
Fair enough. Some of the names I see are a proper blast from the past! It’s easy to forget who’s come and gone over the years.
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KingRichard
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Posts: 200
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by KingRichard on Jun 19, 2020 1:42:24 GMT -5
I think the mean problem for us disabled people is we don't want to be a burden on anyone even if we do get help from carers but do I think wanting a relationship is selfish in of it's self no before my second disability kick in later in life I was and in a way still am a very independent person that likes to do stuff myself it has taken me a very long time to be able to just let other people help me out so I can see why some people might think that having a relationship is selfish I mean no one wants to be a burden on anybody but so long as the person you are going to have a relationship knows what he or she is getting into I see no problem with a disabled person having a relationship
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Post by mona on Jun 19, 2020 12:21:45 GMT -5
This is a very good thread, thanks for digging it up.
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KingRichard
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Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by KingRichard on Jun 19, 2020 13:33:47 GMT -5
This is a very good thread, thanks for digging it up. Well I thought I might as will add my own experience of having people help me out in my day to day business and how long it take me to even let people help me out it's not easy for someone who is so used to doing everything by themselves only to find out that you have a disability that pretty much makes what you was doing before the disability kicked in makes it 100 times it's a bitter pill to swallow that's for sure
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