Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2020 23:43:23 GMT -5
though i have not dated a person with a disability in the past, the attitude of being a burden or not being worth the effort expended seems quite common - or maybe that's just my type.
To echo some of the prior comments, however, I think there are genuinely people who thrive in relationships where they are able to maintain more of a caregiver-type role, at least in strict terms that would be conventionally viewed as “codependent.”
I’ve sort of seen this pan out as taking on more of their psychological burdens or working out traumas - I’ve never seen this as an overstepping of boundaries, and indeed I find some of the discourse surrounding “capacity” and “healing” in a highly individuated context to be a kind of cop-out for restorative community bonds.
I don’t think wanting to share a highly intimate space is selfish, even if one person may have more “stuff” (sorry for my lack of eloquence lol) to figure out, though it’s entirely within a potential partner’s rights to engage on a level they feel comfortable with, even if that means stepping back.
what I have also experienced is that relationships that progress from a point of a partner feeling or expressing sentiments of not being worthy of genuine love/care/affection for various reasons will implode eventually without sustained and strong efforts to communicate needs on both sides, and when these relationships do end, they can scar significantly because of the perceived imbalance in power and deep vulnerability displayed on the part of one if not all parties.
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rebeca
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Post by rebeca on Jun 20, 2020 7:20:44 GMT -5
Everyone is a 'burden' in some way or the other. I'm a fair handful in any relationship, just ask my exs And people do feel like they are a 'burden' on others justifiably or not. Having a disability just makes it super obvious, but that doesn't mean that the not-so-obvious things that people don't like about themselves are any less of a 'burden' in a relationship. I mean, take any kind of insecurity as an example, sooner or later the partner has to bear the consequences of someone's insecurity. Sometimes we all just need to say to ourselves "Get over yourself" and have a laugh. Also, trust that if the partner found it to be a 'burden' they'd leave. Everyone is an adult capable of making decisions.
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KingRichard
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Post by KingRichard on Jun 20, 2020 7:42:56 GMT -5
Everyone is a 'burden' in some way or the other. I'm a fair handful in any relationship, just ask my exs And people do feel like they are a 'burden' on others justifiably or not. Having a disability just makes it super obvious, but that doesn't mean that the not-so-obvious things that people don't like about themselves are any less of a 'burden' in a relationship. I mean, take any kind of insecurity as an example, sooner or later the partner has to bear the consequences of someone's insecurity. Sometimes we all just need to say to ourselves "Get over yourself" and have a laugh. Also, trust that if the partner found it to be a 'burden' they'd leave. Everyone is an adult capable of making decisions. This is what I come to realize later down the line still I would be lying if I said that it does not bother me anymore in my own opinion I think it's much harder for a person who ends up with a disability later in life than being born with the disabilities and being able to deal with your disabilities growing up I am a bit of a odd ball I was born with a learning disability and juvenile osteochondrosis spondylolisthesis but my juvenile osteochondrosis spondylolisthesis did not kick in until I was 18 years old which pretty much turned my world upside down and ended up losing my job do to being in chronic pain
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vienna37wheel
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Post by vienna37wheel on Jun 20, 2020 10:23:49 GMT -5
I can relate to this burden feeling. I didnt want to meet any women for like 10 years because i thought noone would like to have a relationship with me, if i cant do all the things that healthy people can do. Also i was afraid of rejection which would lower my self esteem even more. Luckily i changed my mind and after dating a few women my self esteem was back and i was also getting much positive feedback. Eventough having a relationship is still harder than for a healthy or non PWD.
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Post by mona on Jun 20, 2020 10:47:37 GMT -5
Luckily i changed my mind How did you? I wonder how people find ways to change those self-destructive mindsets and to get out of their comfort zone.
I'm happy you were able to have these good experiences and positive reactions.
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vienna37wheel
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Post by vienna37wheel on Jun 20, 2020 10:57:02 GMT -5
Luckily i changed my mind How did you? I wonder how people find ways to change those self-destructive mindsets and to get out of their comfort zone.
I'm happy you were able to have these good experiences and positive reactions. I was on dating sites. First i kept my disability secret to most but to some i opened myself and they still wanted to meet me. It took me months to trust a woman to meet her in person. And i was preparing her to every aspect of my disability to avoid dissapointment before i met her. Not many had so much patience But the few i met were openminded about my issues.
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KingRichard
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Post by KingRichard on Jun 20, 2020 11:37:48 GMT -5
How did you? I wonder how people find ways to change those self-destructive mindsets and to get out of their comfort zone.
I'm happy you were able to have these good experiences and positive reactions. I was on dating sites. First i kept my disability secret to most but to some i opened myself and they still wanted to meet me. It took me months to trust a woman to meet her in person. And i was preparing her to every aspect of my disability to avoid dissapointment before i met her. Not many had so much patience But the few i met were openminded about my issues. I also tried dating sites first but had zero luck on online dating websites I thought I was getting some way with a person who had the same disability as me but she stood me up that was a four hour bus tip to meet her and a four hour tip back when I got back home I tried to massage her to find out what she was playing at but she blocked me that's pretty much what stop me going on dating websites like platy of fish anymore I have been just sticking to disabled groups on facebook
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vienna37wheel
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Post by vienna37wheel on Jun 20, 2020 12:09:05 GMT -5
I was on dating sites. First i kept my disability secret to most but to some i opened myself and they still wanted to meet me. It took me months to trust a woman to meet her in person. And i was preparing her to every aspect of my disability to avoid dissapointment before i met her. Not many had so much patience But the few i met were openminded about my issues. I also tried dating sites first but had zero luck on online dating websites I thought I was getting some way with a person who had the same disability as me but she stood me up that was a four hour bus tip to meet her and a four hour tip back when I got back home I tried to massage her to find out what she was playing at but she blocked me that's pretty much what stop me going on dating websites like platy of fish anymore I have been just sticking to disabled groups on facebook Thats a bad move from her, maybe you just had bad luck and you should try again. I think you need many attempts but one time it will be the perfect match. I' ve read somewhere in average you need like 100 online dates to find the right person. I dont even wanna know how many we need as disabled
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KingRichard
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Post by KingRichard on Jun 20, 2020 12:18:07 GMT -5
I also tried dating sites first but had zero luck on online dating websites I thought I was getting some way with a person who had the same disability as me but she stood me up that was a four hour bus tip to meet her and a four hour tip back when I got back home I tried to massage her to find out what she was playing at but she blocked me that's pretty much what stop me going on dating websites like platy of fish anymore I have been just sticking to disabled groups on facebook Thats a bad move from her, maybe you just had bad luck and you should try again. I think you need many attempts but one time it will be the perfect match. I' ve read somewhere in average you need like 100 online dates to find the right person. I dont even wanna know how many we need as disabled Well it's her loss and someone else's gain I think the main problem was I was upfront about my disabilities on my profile page I really did not like the idea of lying to someone about not having disabilities and no job is a big turn off for women I have had better luck with Facebook disabled groups and I am hoping to have a better chance of meeting someone from this website
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vienna37wheel
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Post by vienna37wheel on Jun 20, 2020 12:44:49 GMT -5
Thats a bad move from her, maybe you just had bad luck and you should try again. I think you need many attempts but one time it will be the perfect match. I' ve read somewhere in average you need like 100 online dates to find the right person. I dont even wanna know how many we need as disabled I think the problem was I was upfront about my disabilities on my profile page I really did not like the idea of lying to someone about not having disabilities and no job is a big turn off for women I have had better luck with Facebook disabled groups and I am hoping to have a better chance of meeting someone from this website Being upfront with the disability is the right way. I do it the same way now. This way you dont waste your time with people that dont accept it. I didnt know there are disabled groups on facebook for dating. Honestly i am not looking for a disabled partner at least nothing to big. It would handicap me even more. I tried dating a girl in wheelchair and came to this decision. So i rather go for regular dating sites.
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Post by infinatedreams on Jun 20, 2020 13:17:53 GMT -5
Cant say I've ever felt I was a burden at any time in a relationship, I know I'm not perfect (I'm a para 🤷♂️) but then I've never met a perfect partner, we all have issues. I guess the best relationship is where you both have your issues and they lean against each other and find that ideal balance, occasional wobbles are normal and with a bit of effort stability can be found. A good row about her carrying in the shopping in the rain whilst you zoom indoors, followed by online clothes shopping and a good shag being a perfect example. Burden + Effort = Happiness
Selfish to want a relationship ... is it bollox its human nature, it's normal and it can be healthy.
As for dating, I've always been upfront about being a para, saves time and effort chatting someone up only to find out later they've a wheeler phobia.
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Post by freya on Jun 23, 2020 22:32:56 GMT -5
But while I was dating him, the things he thought were burdensome and the things that really did get to me and ultimately killed the relationship were completely different. Taking longer to do things, or not being able to go certain places, whatever, I didn't mind. Even the things that were really horrible and mortifying to him, like the time he shit his pants in public, it didn't make me love him less or want to get out of the relationship. No, what killed the relationship was his depression and suicidal tendencies that he buried under heavy drinking and took out on me. The real problem was mental, not physical. This is what happened with me and my ex 100%. Thank you so much devogirl for sharing this. I struggle with so much guilt sometimes that I should've done more, been stronger, stayed longer... etc etc. I NEVER minded the complications that came with his disability. Like you said, it never made me love him less or want to leave. It was the emotional issues that destroyed us. He was horrifically depressed, suicidal, and addicted to opiates. I was in recovery at the time, and have a history of depression. Eventually I completely burned myself out trying to fill that void inside of him. I was offering my hand out to a drowning man, and he pulled me under with him. I became depressed and suicidal, I relapsed to deal with the constant stress of trying to save him from himself. I lost myself. I wound up leaving him. If I hadn't I know without a doubt I would be dead right now. It was that bad. I also had a 4 year old daughter who was being hurt by all this. I had to save myself for my child. It ripped me open to leave. I still loved him so SO fucking much. I remember saying "If I stay, I know one morning I will wake up next to your dead body. I just can't handle that." He understood. He actually was so kind about it, just really, really sad. So, I left him. Eight months later he was dead. He had OD'd... his Dad found him the next morning... Dead in his bed. Even though logically I tell myself it had to happen this way, that you can't save someone who refuses to save himself, I have terrible guilt for abandoning him. I have recurring nightmares about him blaming me, being mad at me, or finding him dead. He never believed he "deserved" me. No matter how I tried to show him his disability didn't bother me, how I adored him, the bitterness and self-hatred just grew and grew. Every small thing he couldn't do...carry groceries, shovel snow, fix my car... it became a festering sore inside him. So, as to the topic of this thread: PWD DO deserve love, and there are people more than willing to love them in return. But, it's the PWD's inability to ACCEPT love that becomes the issue.
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Post by devogirl on Jun 23, 2020 23:09:28 GMT -5
Hey freya I'm glad you found this. When you mentioned what happened to you it made me think of my own experience with a depressed quad. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved, or love someone enough to cure their mental illness. For the record, in the case of my ex, he suffered from depression long before he became a quad. The injury didn't help, but it wasn't the cause of his depression. Romance novels are full of stories about broody, depressed PWD heroes who just need the right woman to come along and nurse them back to (mental) health but real life never ever works out that way. I hate that fantasy so much. I'm so sorry about what you had to go through but you definitely did the right thing. I hope you're getting help for the lingering guilt and nightmares.
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KingRichard
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Post by KingRichard on Jun 24, 2020 8:12:28 GMT -5
Hey freya I'm glad you found this. When you mentioned what happened to you it made me think of my own experience with a depressed quad. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved, or love someone enough to cure their mental illness. For the record, in the case of my ex, he suffered from depression long before he became a quad. The injury didn't help, but it wasn't the cause of his depression. Romance novels are full of stories about broody, depressed PWD heroes who just need the right woman to come along and nurse them back to (mental) health but real life never ever works out that way. I hate that fantasy so much. I'm so sorry about what you had to go through but you definitely did the right thing. I hope you're getting help for the lingering guilt and nightmares. I agree with you that no matter how much love you give to someone it's not going to cure them of there depression it's something the person has to do themselves with getting the right help even though I still have depression do to my own disability I realized I needed the right help otherwise I would have killed myself a long time ago I am much better know at dealing with my depression
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Post by Braced4Impact on Jun 24, 2020 13:32:48 GMT -5
I'm definitely not relationship material, and this is definitely one of the reasons. My self-doubt about my disability would ultimately probably be too much for most to handle, including devs. So, I just accept that about me and find other ways to feel fulfilled in life.
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