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Post by Braced4Impact on Feb 24, 2021 10:23:45 GMT -5
While I don't feel it's selfish to want a relationship, I do feel that having a relationship with a disabled person like myself can be very frustrating and challenging, to the point that I feel I would benefit out of it a lot more than she would, so I would feel guilty about all those pitfalls.
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Post by atlwheelin on Mar 4, 2021 9:07:14 GMT -5
I’ve had relationships and I’ve been married/divorced. I wouldn’t necessarily say that I feel guilty for wanting a relationship as much as I feel unworthy or adequate enough to suffice as a sustainable partner. Does an AB like her too? Might as well give up on that one! Is it a toxic mindset? Absolutely. But is it my dilemma internally 🤷♂️
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Post by koala on Mar 24, 2021 1:14:28 GMT -5
I think this is such an important topic to discuss, and there are some really great insights throughout this thread. Having been in a relationship that ended with my husband needing a trach and being fully dependent on a vent, having a feeding tube, having a suprapubic catheter, needing a Hoyer lift for all transfers, and requiring a communication device (which all led to him needing 100% care 24/7 with me being the only one able to provide that care), I will still say with a resounding NO that it is not selfish for a PWD to want a relationship...regardless of the severity of their disability. Was it hard...Yes!! It nearly brought me to my breaking point many times. Was it worth it...HELL YES!! His condition did not change how I felt about him nor diminish in any way his contributions to our relationship. Sure, I had to work a lot harder to take care of him, myself, our dogs, the house, etc. Financially, it scared the crap out of me when it lead to the loss of my job and our having to rely on "miracles" to pay the bills. But I never did and never will regret choosing him as the one person I wanted to share my life with. There were times when I was beyond exhausted in every sense of the word, but I still had my love by my side. He was still the same sexy, intelligent, kind, loving man I had fallen in love with. He was still my confidante, my shoulder to cry on, my cheerleader, my support system, my best friend...everything I needed and wanted in a man. I am certain I would not have been able to handle the hardships we went through those last few years without him by my side.
The key, as others here have said, really is honest and open communication. There were times that he felt deeply insecure and inadequate...times that he told me I'd be better off putting him in a facility and walking away. There were also times that I felt I couldn't keep going...times that I actually entertained the idea of putting him in a facility (which ultimately caused an incredible amount of guilt and self hatred). However, we learned early on how important it was to be able to tell each other when these feelings started to creep in, so they wouldn't fester and grow. We created a safe space where each of us could tell the other exactly how we were feeling without fear of judgement or over-reaction. This was the absolute saving grace of our marriage. We both rescued each other from going off the deep end multiple times. Throughout our experience, we also found ways to deepen our relationship and rekindle our romance. I'm not kidding when I say we felt and acted like we were newlyweds again...it was thrilling and exciting and oh so beautiful.
I truly believe that ANY relationship with a person to whom you are fully committed and passionately in love is rewarding and worth it. Obviously, there will be struggles (unique struggles that other relationships won't have to face), but no relationship is perfect or easy. If you work together and make it a point to show each other every day that you still love and need each other, it can create a bond that is deeper and stronger than anything you could ever imagine. The blessings I received and the person I have become BECAUSE of (not despite) being his wife are things I wouldn't trade for the world.
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Post by atlwheelin on Mar 24, 2021 3:14:40 GMT -5
I think this is such an important topic to discuss, and there are some really great insights throughout this thread. Having been in a relationship that ended with my husband needing a trach and being fully dependent on a vent, having a feeding tube, having a suprapubic catheter, needing a Hoyer lift for all transfers, and requiring a communication device (which all led to him needing 100% care 24/7 with me being the only one able to provide that care), I will still say with a resounding NO that it is not selfish for a PWD to want a relationship...regardless of the severity of their disability. Was it hard...Yes!! It nearly brought me to my breaking point many times. Was it worth it...HELL YES!! His condition did not change how I felt about him nor diminish in any way his contributions to our relationship. Sure, I had to work a lot harder to take care of him, myself, our dogs, the house, etc. Financially, it scared the crap out of me when it lead to the loss of my job and our having to rely on "miracles" to pay the bills. But I never did and never will regret choosing him as the one person I wanted to share my life with. There were times when I was beyond exhausted in every sense of the word, but I still had my love by my side. He was still the same sexy, intelligent, kind, loving man I had fallen in love with. He was still my confidante, my shoulder to cry on, my cheerleader, my support system, my best friend...everything I needed and wanted in a man. I am certain I would not have been able to handle the hardships we went through those last few years without him by my side. The key, as others here have said, really is honest and open communication. There were times that he felt deeply insecure and inadequate...times that he told me I'd be better off putting him in a facility and walking away. There were also times that I felt I couldn't keep going...times that I actually entertained the idea of putting him in a facility (which ultimately caused an incredible amount of guilt and self hatred). However, we learned early on how important it was to be able to tell each other when these feelings started to creep in, so they wouldn't fester and grow. We created a safe space where each of us could tell the other exactly how we were feeling without fear of judgement or over-reaction. This was the absolute saving grace of our marriage. We both rescued each other from going off the deep end multiple times. Throughout our experience, we also found ways to deepen our relationship and rekindle our romance. I'm not kidding when I say we felt and acted like we were newlyweds again...it was thrilling and exciting and oh so beautiful. I truly believe that ANY relationship with a person to whom you are fully committed and passionately in love is rewarding and worth it. Obviously, there will be struggles (unique struggles that other relationships won't have to face), but no relationship is perfect or easy. If you work together and make it a point to show each other every day that you still love and need each other, it can create a bond that is deeper and stronger than anything you could ever imagine. The blessings I received and the person I have become BECAUSE of (not despite) being his wife are things I wouldn't trade for the world. You have quite the testimony! Stories like yours would absolutely help shed some of the negative connotations uneducated joes slap labels on
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Post by koala on Mar 24, 2021 11:49:35 GMT -5
I think this is such an important topic to discuss, and there are some really great insights throughout this thread. Having been in a relationship that ended with my husband needing a trach and being fully dependent on a vent, having a feeding tube, having a suprapubic catheter, needing a Hoyer lift for all transfers, and requiring a communication device (which all led to him needing 100% care 24/7 with me being the only one able to provide that care), I will still say with a resounding NO that it is not selfish for a PWD to want a relationship...regardless of the severity of their disability. Was it hard...Yes!! It nearly brought me to my breaking point many times. Was it worth it...HELL YES!! His condition did not change how I felt about him nor diminish in any way his contributions to our relationship. Sure, I had to work a lot harder to take care of him, myself, our dogs, the house, etc. Financially, it scared the crap out of me when it lead to the loss of my job and our having to rely on "miracles" to pay the bills. But I never did and never will regret choosing him as the one person I wanted to share my life with. There were times when I was beyond exhausted in every sense of the word, but I still had my love by my side. He was still the same sexy, intelligent, kind, loving man I had fallen in love with. He was still my confidante, my shoulder to cry on, my cheerleader, my support system, my best friend...everything I needed and wanted in a man. I am certain I would not have been able to handle the hardships we went through those last few years without him by my side. The key, as others here have said, really is honest and open communication. There were times that he felt deeply insecure and inadequate...times that he told me I'd be better off putting him in a facility and walking away. There were also times that I felt I couldn't keep going...times that I actually entertained the idea of putting him in a facility (which ultimately caused an incredible amount of guilt and self hatred). However, we learned early on how important it was to be able to tell each other when these feelings started to creep in, so they wouldn't fester and grow. We created a safe space where each of us could tell the other exactly how we were feeling without fear of judgement or over-reaction. This was the absolute saving grace of our marriage. We both rescued each other from going off the deep end multiple times. Throughout our experience, we also found ways to deepen our relationship and rekindle our romance. I'm not kidding when I say we felt and acted like we were newlyweds again...it was thrilling and exciting and oh so beautiful. I truly believe that ANY relationship with a person to whom you are fully committed and passionately in love is rewarding and worth it. Obviously, there will be struggles (unique struggles that other relationships won't have to face), but no relationship is perfect or easy. If you work together and make it a point to show each other every day that you still love and need each other, it can create a bond that is deeper and stronger than anything you could ever imagine. The blessings I received and the person I have become BECAUSE of (not despite) being his wife are things I wouldn't trade for the world. You have quite the testimony! Stories like yours would absolutely help shed some of the negative connotations uneducated joes slap labels on I appreciate your kind response. As difficult as it is to talk about this part of my life, I'm always very open and candid about it, because I think it has the potential to open people's eyes to so much. I've always hoped that I could find greater meaning in my journey by using it to help others. Perhaps, this will be another way in which I can do that.
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alchemist
Junior Member
Posts: 80
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by alchemist on Mar 24, 2021 14:55:56 GMT -5
I think this is such an important topic to discuss, and there are some really great insights throughout this thread. Having been in a relationship that ended with my husband needing a trach and being fully dependent on a vent, having a feeding tube, having a suprapubic catheter, needing a Hoyer lift for all transfers, and requiring a communication device (which all led to him needing 100% care 24/7 with me being the only one able to provide that care), I will still say with a resounding NO that it is not selfish for a PWD to want a relationship...regardless of the severity of their disability. Was it hard...Yes!! It nearly brought me to my breaking point many times. Was it worth it...HELL YES!! His condition did not change how I felt about him nor diminish in any way his contributions to our relationship. Sure, I had to work a lot harder to take care of him, myself, our dogs, the house, etc. Financially, it scared the crap out of me when it lead to the loss of my job and our having to rely on "miracles" to pay the bills. But I never did and never will regret choosing him as the one person I wanted to share my life with. There were times when I was beyond exhausted in every sense of the word, but I still had my love by my side. He was still the same sexy, intelligent, kind, loving man I had fallen in love with. He was still my confidante, my shoulder to cry on, my cheerleader, my support system, my best friend...everything I needed and wanted in a man. I am certain I would not have been able to handle the hardships we went through those last few years without him by my side. The key, as others here have said, really is honest and open communication. There were times that he felt deeply insecure and inadequate...times that he told me I'd be better off putting him in a facility and walking away. There were also times that I felt I couldn't keep going...times that I actually entertained the idea of putting him in a facility (which ultimately caused an incredible amount of guilt and self hatred). However, we learned early on how important it was to be able to tell each other when these feelings started to creep in, so they wouldn't fester and grow. We created a safe space where each of us could tell the other exactly how we were feeling without fear of judgement or over-reaction. This was the absolute saving grace of our marriage. We both rescued each other from going off the deep end multiple times. Throughout our experience, we also found ways to deepen our relationship and rekindle our romance. I'm not kidding when I say we felt and acted like we were newlyweds again...it was thrilling and exciting and oh so beautiful. I truly believe that ANY relationship with a person to whom you are fully committed and passionately in love is rewarding and worth it. Obviously, there will be struggles (unique struggles that other relationships won't have to face), but no relationship is perfect or easy. If you work together and make it a point to show each other every day that you still love and need each other, it can create a bond that is deeper and stronger than anything you could ever imagine. The blessings I received and the person I have become BECAUSE of (not despite) being his wife are things I wouldn't trade for the world. Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective on this topic. It is inspiring / encouraging to hear about your relationship, and the positives you highlight and take from it.
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brinzerdecalli
Full Member
I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
Posts: 217
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Mar 25, 2021 12:26:03 GMT -5
So this post is so full of amazing perspectives but I don't have time to read them all, so please forgive my brief quip... I used to believe dating someone was selfish and dating me was a burden they can and should avoid, and I shouldn't wish on my friend, muse, and/or love, but then I came to a realization... I'm not making them join me in a life-long torture full of nothing but pain, but instead I'm welcoming them to join me on a trial that holds more reward than they could dream of, and will find elsewhere. It's not selfishness but confidence/pride/self-worth, or maybe as far as arrogance/conceitedness/vanity, that says I am justified in my proposal or participation in a relationship. Anything an AB partner can provide, I can do it better but it just takes more patience, creativity, hard work, technology, or magic, and any worthy partner will believe that as well!
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Post by Dr. BiPAP Sachin on Mar 25, 2021 19:33:36 GMT -5
Selfish? I don't think so. Challenging? At times, yes (for both partners).
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Post by atlwheelin on Mar 25, 2021 20:26:38 GMT -5
Perhaps it’s wrong to view it as a selfish desire. After all, intimacy and acceptance is a feeling we all desire in some form or fashion. However, am I shocked or non-understanding when my attempts at forging a relationship meet a dead end wall? Absolutely not. The school of hard knocks offers free lessons.
I admire those of you who do have that self confidence in yourself. It’s a powerful, powerful tool. It’s one that is really hard to grab hold onto again when you let it go. I miss that part of me that refused to accept societal labels. That guy is still in there somewhere, he’s just in hiding.
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brinzerdecalli
Full Member
I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
Posts: 217
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Mar 25, 2021 21:16:04 GMT -5
Perhaps it’s wrong to view it as a selfish desire. After all, intimacy and acceptance is a feeling we all desire in some form or fashion. However, am I shocked or non-understanding when my attempts at forging a relationship meet a dead end wall? Absolutely not. The school of hard knocks offers free lessons. I admire those of you who do have that self confidence in yourself. It’s a powerful, powerful tool. It’s one that is really hard to grab hold onto again when you let it go. I miss that part of me that refused to accept societal labels. That guy is still in there somewhere, he’s just in hiding. You can find him again yo! I have faith in you!
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Post by koala on Mar 26, 2021 0:30:58 GMT -5
So this post is so full of amazing perspectives but I don't have time to read them all, so please forgive my brief quip... I used to believe dating someone was selfish and dating me was a burden they can and should avoid, and I shouldn't wish on my friend, muse, and/or love, but then I came to a realization... I'm not making them join me in a life-long torture full of nothing but pain, but instead I'm welcoming them to join me on a trial that holds more reward than they could dream of, and will find elsewhere. It's not selfishness but confidence/pride/self-worth, or maybe as far as arrogance/conceitedness/vanity, that says I am justified in my proposal or participation in a relationship. Anything an AB partner can provide, I can do it better but it just takes more patience, creativity, hard work, technology, or magic, and any worthy partner will believe that as well! I absolutely love this attitude, and I wholeheartedly agree. The challenges that you tackle TOGETHER create the most incredible, unbreakable bond.
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Post by infinatedreams on Mar 26, 2021 18:30:00 GMT -5
ok so ive been thinking whether or not to chip in, but as im feeling 'that way out' I reckon I will, My first thought was 'fucks sake guys we do not have to justify why we should be in a relationship' ... If we can love and be loved then end of story, sure some of us come with 'baggage' some more than others but then that is for the other person in the realtionship to decide if it is for them or not.
Maybe its because im a para and more than capable of living without any assistance that I think like that, dunno. Sure some of the things can be challenging but then how many AB men bring their own challenges. And heres the thing, my Mrs once had a conversation with her girlfriends who asked the 'wont you be caring for him for the rest of his life' question her reply was 'he owns his own house, earns 3 times I do, totally independant and has accepted and treated my kids as his own, so girls who is 'caring' for who?' Its all about perspectives isnt it, we all bring different things/baggage to relationships. Sure the disability stands out like a sore thumb but it doesnt mean its the only hurdle to get over.
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pureligo
New Member
Posts: 19
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by pureligo on May 4, 2021 9:03:35 GMT -5
This is a really great topic! I've come to hate that b word - burden! The thinking pattern you guys have mentioned is really hard to break, and as the female half of the relationship, it can be really frustrating! My experience is limited to paras, so I can't speak to anything else, but what has worked for me is open, honest communication, both with your partner and with yourself. And an occasional backhand when the b-word comes up. J/k. Mostly. This is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to my bf after he expressed some of these same concerns, and I hope maybe it will help you guys understand this from a dev's (or my) perspective at least: I don’t know how to convince you that you are not and never will be a burden, that it has never and will never bother me that we won’t be able to do some things, that figuring out a way to make a house accessible for you is an exciting excuse to pull out some trigonometry and not a chore. Being honest about what you can and can't do, and what the lady is willing and capable of doing for you long term is the best way to work through this. The little things I do for my bf are not a burden and they do not make him a burden, but it's important to be honest with myself when it's too much. I don't mean too much in terms of ending the relationship, but being flexible about our plans, i.e. not going kayaking after I hurt my wrist, since I'm the one who does most of the lifting in unloading and loading the kayaks. We were recently in the mall, and something struck me as we were waiting in line for the elevator... most of the other elevator passengers were mothers with kids in strollers. Are those kids, with all their attending paraphernalia, the extra time it takes to get out the door, the forethought required before going certain places, a burden? Some people would say yes, but I bet if you asked the parents they would disagree. It's different from their single life and requires some lifestyle changes, but the love they have for their kids overrules all that. For me as a dev, that's my life with a wheeler. I don't mean that to sound patronizing at all, that's just the best metaphor I could come up with. Wow! True on so many levels.
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californiapara
Junior Member
Posts: 57
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by californiapara on May 4, 2021 21:20:10 GMT -5
Personally I’m still not used to needing help which makes it hard. I’m over feeling like a burden but I think it’s natural to want to be helpful and not watch your partner do most of the physical work. I think this is pretty universal between men and women and disabled and non disabled
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Post by Braced4Impact on May 5, 2021 11:49:12 GMT -5
In the end, though, it can be argued that anyone wanting a relationship is selfish. But is that such a bad thing? I'd say almost everyone wants to be loved, understood, cared for, have intimacy and someone to talk to. Selfish doesn't have to be a negative trait. I'd say very few relationships are born out of selflessness, like procreating to maintain the population of humanity (even that in and of itself is a selfish desire to want your specie to survive.) So, in the end, don't feel bad for wanting a relationship regardless of your ability.
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