blush -devness triggered by impotence

[Deleted]

While it's not an exact trigger of my devness, it is something that gets me going in the moment. For me, I think it's because there is so much more to love and intimacy than an erection. Now, compensating for the lack of "cooperation"? That's a huge turn on for me! Thanks to all of you that have shared thus far-I'm coming out of my shell a little!

[jacksongirl]

Nov 1, 2013 7:07:32 GMT -5 @queenofhearts said:

While it's not an exact trigger of my devness, it is something that get me going in the moment. For me, I think it's because there is so much more to love and intimacy than an erection. Now, compensating for the lack of "cooperation"? That's a huge turn on for me! Thanks to all of you that have shared thus far-I'm coming out of my shell a little!

I agree completely with this!! When I spoke to a friend of mine about my devness yesterday, her first question was "What about your sexual satisfaction?"  I pointed her in the direction of the devvy stories on the fiction page.  She called me last night and said "Wow, I take back everything I said about you not being satisfied."
I figure some ED is part of the package but it's not the whole package.  But yeah...it's a bit of a turn on for me too.

[ayla]

@lilyinblossom first off, thank you for finding such interesting old threads to revive! I'm enjoying your contributions.

It's a delicate topic, but I too find this aspect of disability a "plus." I find that so many able-bodied men (and pwd, before they learn better) think that sex = PIV and are totally focused on their own erections, their own stamina, their own orgasm. I don't know if this is due to pornography or some other cultural messaging. At any rate, this excessive focus on erectile function is a big turn-off for me. PIV is not the primary way I get pleasure so if that is off the table, or at least compromised in some way, I feel excited about the possibilities. I'm also not much into bodily fluids so a guy who can't ejaculate is also a bonus -- provided he can still experience the sensation of orgasm. Not that we get to pick and choose, but if I were asked to pick and choose, I wouldn't want him to sacrifice orgasm just so things stay tidier. >_<

The psychological aspect of impotence is not so strong for me; ideally, I would prefer a partner who has made peace with any ED and is ready to explore alternatives eagerly, not hung up on shame or frustration. Those emotions are to be expected, and if he does struggle with them a bit I could feel good that I may be able to help him over that mental hurdle -- but if he's already over the hurdle prior to meeting me, even better.

When it comes to "the dark side of devness," I can relate -- I have struggled with accepting that I am turned on by things that are not always positive in the man's life. One thing that helps me reframe it is to see that I'm not actually attracted to him struggling, I am attracted to the idea of being the helper/supporter/cheerleader/appreciator for that struggle. This doesn't apply to me so much in the ED realm (I don't feel aroused by him having "issues" with self acceptance here) but it does apply in other areas (e.g. wanting him to be non-ambulatory, preferring some amount of sensation loss). It's not that I see an able bodied guy and want him to be unable to walk, it's more that being unable to walk turns me on and I like the idea that those feelings of arousal (an automatic response for me) are somehow helpful to those who already can't walk. Once I turned the corner on accepting my devness more, I came to realize that I'm actually really into this feeling that I'm somehow magical; it feels incredible to know that just by existing, I help someone else feel differently about their own body and/or disability. I wish there were more of us, for sure, but it does feel good that this "weird thing about me" can actually be so valuable.

[Dani]

I find the obsession with erections and d... sizes that many men have very much a complete turn-off. 

[ayla]

@lilyinblossom you are so right, you can’t support someone that doesn’t need support! And isn’t it a wonderful thing for someone to enjoy being supportive? This is usually celebrated. So why do we devs guilt trip ourselves over it… 🤦‍♀️

[ichbin]

just like ayla I'm not into bodily fluids, so I don't mind at all that there is no such thing as sperm 

regarding impotence, I don't mind it at all because PIV isn't something I need. 

still, I enjoy hardening the male genital by touching it, just feels good, so if it weren't to stiffen at all, there might be missing something for me. 

however, all that has been said above regarding intimacy and supporting each other in vulnerable / embarrassing moments also counts for me. I like it when a guy shows his feelings and sex is not merely a "show" ("we do as it is supposed to work") but more a connecting on a deeper level of personal feelings and means of gaining pleasure through whatever ways.

[tanya]

Much like my thoughts on another thread on how much incontinence triggers my devness, I also have similar feelings about impotence which really hits my dev buttons.

I think it's largely to do with how vulnerable it makes the guy when they are unable to achieve an erection and/or ejaculate as these things are what society would say is what makes a man, a man. My ex with SB was able to get slightly hard but only when I touched his penis and genitals and it felt really good to know that I was able to get him aroused but otherwise he was completely flaccid.

I think it's also a question of being fascinated by how having a problem in the spine causes such major issues with a guy's ability to sexually function. I am fascinated by both acquired SCI where a guy's penis, which worked perfectly pre-injury, has been forced to stop working properly as a result of his injury. I am also intrigued by the effect of congenital disabilities on impotence and how someone has been born this way and trying to understand how that has happened to the extent that they are permanently unable to reverse their impotence.

I must confess that I do quite enjoy it when a guy gets frustrated by his lack of ability to become erect and ejaculate as it's his manhood which is effectively being attacked and it's nice to know that he needs me to comfort him and make him feel better. It feels really empowering to me and really turns me on.

I feel bad saying all of these things but I can't help the way I feel and it feels good to have a safe space to discuss this subject.