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Post by lucretia on Oct 19, 2014 20:28:09 GMT -5
didi, Just a note to say that I think you weren't out of line. I never saw you say that he was not a good person. And long ago, I was caught in a situation (out on the regular board) where I felt, strongly, the need to share about someone who was also a member here. I tried HARD to not indicate in any way at all who he was but he recognized himself in his behavior and was LIVID. It was ugly. Very ugly. I think there were maybe 4 or 5 people who knew that he was the one I was talking about before he made sure everyone knew. I have no clue who your ex is and don't really care. But I do find it curious, since he's, reportedly, one of the "good ones" who wouldn't read this section, that this stuff is getting back to him. So, I guess someone must be telling him what's said here. One wonders what positive purpose those people think it serves to tell him things that they apparently expect to upset him. Shit happens on the board and behind the scenes, I have seen guys (and devs) do much, MUCH worse than this. I know one guy who regularly posts in general about his ex, saying really ugly things. And I've seen more than one person whom I thought was one of the "good ones" take open pot shots at an ex. I didn't think that you were doing that at all. If you need to discuss it but no longer feel like you can here, please feel free to pm some of us. I SO AGREE!!! Add me to the list if you want to chat. I haven't talked to anyone who thinks you were over the line...
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Oct 20, 2014 0:45:28 GMT -5
didi - I hear you. I do. It's important to have some place to process your thoughts and feelings when you're going through a break-up. It's a healthy and, for most of us, necessary part of the process. And it's not wrong, in the right context. I do hope that you'll take up the kind ladies who've responded on their offer of a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on. I'm also sorry that I hurt you a lot. It was not my intention to do that. And, knowing your kind-hearted ex, I'm positive he wouldn't want you to be hurt or sad either. In retrospect, it definitely would've been wiser to PM you. But I was in a rush this morning and acting on emotion and I didn't have time to sit around and think a long time about the wisdom of it all. FWIW, I'm not taking sides in your break-up. What the hell do I know about what really went down between you two? I just know I would DIE if any of my exes were posting things about me like you're posting about him, in a place 1) where people we mutually knew could read it; 2) where I couldn't defend myself; and 3) where I hoped to find future romantic relationships. I mean, honestly, how would you feel if the situation were reversed? If there were a "PWDs Only" section of PD, and your ex was over there saying how awesome you were and how sweet and how kind...and also how lazy you were and how co-dependent with your parents and how "off" you were? To men you might like to get to know better at some point, romantically? And people were telling you about it but there was nothing you could do about it? Maybe it wouldn't bother you. I don't know. But it would bother me. So that's why I posted what I did. And what I hoped to accomplish by addressing you in my original post was to make you aware that many people do, in fact, know who you're talking about. And whether it's cool or not of other devs to "out" you to your ex by telling him what's going on in this sub-forum, it is happening. So now you know. Again, I'm sorry. I hope you find a truly safe place, and I wish you nothing but good things. This was SUPPOSED to be the safe place. I always find it kind of ironic that the biggest reason that it isn't is other devs.
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Post by didi on Oct 20, 2014 14:18:18 GMT -5
But I do find it curious, since he's, reportedly, one of the "good ones" who wouldn't read this section, that this stuff is getting back to him. So, I guess someone must be telling him what's said here. One wonders what positive purpose those people think it serves to tell him things that they apparently expect to upset him. I wonder about that, too :/
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Post by didi on Oct 20, 2014 14:19:34 GMT -5
First of all, I want to thank those who showed their support. It really means a lot to me. I pretty much had an emotional breakdown yesterday. I don´t care if people call me stupid, ugly, hyperactive etc I don´t define myself by my looks or intelligence but I definitely define myself by my character. So when someone hints at me being not empathetic and purposefully hurting my ex, I feel hurt and upset. Because I know I am NOT that person – I take a lot of pride in being a nice, helpful, open-minded, likable young woman. I knew that my breakup with my ex wasn’t going to be easy (for me emotionally and in relation with PD). I knew I wanted to share my thoughts and ask for advice or similar experiences, but I also knew I didn’t want to hurt my ex. What I didn´t know or expected was that my post will be shown to my ex if I post in DEVs only. So , in retrospect, if I had known that my posts would be shown to my ex and that I basically would be seen as “mean”, I wouldn’t have said a single word. @devvydowner I still stand strong behind the fact that I NEVER indicated who my ex could be! I always wanted to save his privacy as much as possible. I didn’t even mention that he is a member of the board! You accused me of ruining his potential dating pool because I said what I said. My response: Most people (still) don’t know who he is. Plus, the people who know him, have already formed an opinion of him and I don’t think my words will change that opinion for the worse. Also, all of them are in serious relationships. Just for your information: What I wrote in my previous post is not something that he heard for the first time. We had already discussed all of it. So it’s not like I was telling people things he was totally unaware of. Reading your post, @tc123 (and Ath) made me smile. THIS is exactly what I love about PD – THIS is exactly why I shared my views/thoughts. Because when someone says the exact same things that I’ve been thinking for –oh-so-long, then it makes me feel like I am not “alone”. That someone “gets” me – and that someone knows how difficult it can be at times. And believe it or not, my AB girlfriends just don´t get it. Because let´s be honest, there is a different dynamic in a dev/wheeler relationship. And yes, queenjane, it did make me feel better when I read your post – and all the “likes” from other devs who by clicking “like” indicated that they also didn’t know who I was talking about Again, thank you for your support and I will start writing some PMs now
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Post by dolly on Oct 20, 2014 19:00:14 GMT -5
i thought your comments were on-topic to the thread and i didn't feel like you were "bashing" anyone at all. it sounded like you understood why your ex had those traits or tendencies, but that it just didn't work for you as a partner in a relationship. i wouldn't think anything less of the person in question after reading your comments, but i also understood where you were coming from.
the irony in these situations is that often the post made in upset and response to the original non-identifying post are the ones that actually get people wondering or discovering who the person in question is. the situation Inigo mentioned earlier was a prime example of this.
the majority of us here probably didn't even realize your ex was a board member and it didn't even occur to us to care, but after the post made in his defense i expect many have discovered who he is, after all.
this *is* supposed to be a place where we can talk about the things you spoke about in your post. and i'm glad you felt comfortable to share your experiences with us in a way that did not unnecessarily identify the person you were speaking about. i hope you won't feel deterred from sharing your thoughts and feelings with us in the future. it's what this board is all about. we all benefit from this kind of interaction. not just your fellow devs, but countless lurkers too.
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Post by dolly on Oct 20, 2014 19:19:45 GMT -5
on the original topic of this thread... i'm an "acquired disability" girl. i'm primarily into guys with SCI, although increasingly open/curious about a few other things. so by the very nature of being a SCI dev, i lean towards the "acquired" side of the playing field. i think i prefer guys with acquired disabilities partly because of what inkdevil alluded to about body proportion, but also i think there is an attraction to the "before and after" aspect of it for me. that *transition* from one way of life to another is such a unique and challenging experience (in every way... mental, emotional, spiritual) that a man who can emerge from that with a strong sense of himself and a good sense of humour is very sexy to me, indeed. the social development aspect does come in to play for me as well, but there are so many exceptions to that on either side of the fence that it's not a clear-cut reason for my preference. i know there are many guys with congenital disabilities who are confident and socially awesome and many guys with acquired who aren't. although my preference seems fairly strong, it's simply a preference. obviously attraction to someone depends on the many various aspects of the person in question. i *do* have a distinct preference for disabled guys over AB guys, however.
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